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Relationship Counseling: A Mother's Day message
Dear Dr. Ellen: I am 36 years old, happily married and have 3 children, ages 14, 12 and 8. My mom died very suddenly 3 years ago and I have not been able to get over it. We were not very close. She never really let me get close but I always felt that maybe someday we would be. Now there's no chance of that ever happening and it leaves such an empty hole in my heart. Mother's Day is coming up and my husband and children always come up with something special. Last year it was breakfast in bed, which ended with me sobbing uncontrollably as I thought about my mom and the relationship we never had. I just thought maybe you had some advice on how to get through this holiday
without breaking down again. - Brenda
Dear Brenda: Losing a parent suddenly can be a very traumatic event in a person's life. The fact that you weren't close probably left you feeling guilty that you didn't spend time with her before she died. Every Mother's Day is a reminder of that. It is quite normal to still be grieving, even three years later. Don't be so hard on yourself. Give yourself permission to grieve for as long as it takes. Just be sure to let your children know why you are so sad on that day. It's important to let them know that you didn't have a close
relationship with your mom and you will never let that happen in your family.
Hallmark has these great cards that lead many of us to believe that most people have a wonderful, loving, nurturing mother and that simply isn't true.
I want you to know that my mother never said, "I love you" to me. All she ever said was, "Wait, someday when you have kids, you'll realize what I went through." Well, when my third child was born, there was a TV movie called, "Roots" that affected me deeply. My husband and our 3 children flew 3000 miles back to N.Y just so I could tell my mother how much I loved her and that I now understood how hard it was raising children. Here's
what her response was. "You had to come three thousand miles to say that, you couldn't just pick up the phone?" I was foolish enough to think that I could somehow get close to her.
I know that every Mother's Day I had a tough time finding a card that I could send because she wasn't supportive or there for me. All those sentimental, mushy cards never
felt right. I would look at every card and think, "No this is not her... no this is definitely not our relationship." Then finally, I'd find a card that said, "Happy Mother's Day. Hope you have a great year or something like that" - very general and unemotional.
Every year when my own kids gave me what I call a "mushy" card, I finally realized what a great teacher my mom was. She taught me what NOT to do with my own children. I told them everyday how much I loved them and gave them unconditional love. I also let them know that there was nothing they could ever do that would make me stop loving them.
When Mother's Day comes, think of your mom as your greatest teacher. Be thankful that you are now the Mom that you never had. She did the best she could and now you can do better.
The following is a story that I have given to every mother I know because it touches my heart, no matter how many times I read it.
It seems that an angel slipped out of heaven and spent the day roaming around the earth. As the sun was setting, he decided he wanted to take along some memories of his visit.
He noticed some lovely roses in a flower garden, plucked the rarest and most beautiful, and made a bouquet to take back to heaven. Looking on a bit further, he saw a beautiful little baby smiling into his mother's face. The baby's smile was even prettier than the bouquet of roses, so he took that, too. He was about to leave when he saw the mother's love pouring out like a gushing river toward the little baby in the cradle, and he said to himself, "Oh, that mother's love is the prettiest thing I have seen on earth; I will carry that, too."
He winged his way back to heaven, but just outside the pearly gates he decided to examine his mementos to see how well they had made the trip. The flowers had withered, the baby's smile had faded, but the mother's love was still there in all its warmth and beauty. He discarded the withered flowers and the faded smile, gathered all the hosts of heaven around him, and said, "Here's the only thing I found on earth that would keep its beauty all the way to heaven---it is a mother's love."
Happy Mother's Day to all of you! - Dr. Ellen
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