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Relationship counseling: Acting needy is a turn-off
Dear Ellen: I just got out of a year-long relationship. There was a lot of dishonesty from her end. I know I pushed her into it to some degree, because I was very needy in the relationship and I pretty much squashed her independence. I realize how I screwed up and I hope to have the chance to change it after we have some time apart. I'm just worried that if we get back together (or when I get into another relationship) I'll repeat the same mistakes. No matter what I think in my mind, I get this feeling in my gut that I need to be with her at all times, and I get upset and jealous when she wants to spend time with other people. I know this comes from my own insecurities and worries that she'll find someone
better. I had always been very self-reliant and independent before I got into a serious relationship. Now that I'm single again I know I need to develop that sense of independence, and especially a sense of my own worth. I just want to make sure I don't repeat my past mistakes. Any advice? - Scott
Dear Scott: The breakup of a relationship often brings heartache and pain, but there's always a lesson to be learned from the despair and loss you experience. Some people learn quickly, and only have to make a mistake once to figure out how to correct it. Others may repeat self-defeating behavior several times before they understand its impact and others have to be hit over the head with a sledgehammer before they see the light.
It sounds like you do understand the lesson you need to learn and my hope is that you won't need to have a sledgehammer to realize that you have a choice. If you repeat your past mistakes by acting jealous, controlling and needy, the result will always be the same.
Desperation is a big turn-off to most women. Your mate wants to know that you are a complete human being, with or without her, and not dependent on her to feel whole. Use this time to develop your own goals, interests and views and get back to that independent, self-reliant man you are. When the next serious relationship comes along, keep monitoring your behavior. If you see your girlfriend start to distance herself from you, ask yourself two questions. First, "What was different about me when we felt warm, close and connected?" Sometimes we change and don't even see it. The second question to ask yourself is, "When I received a better response from her, what was I doing differently?" Try to be very honest and take a hard look at yourself. Don't wait until the relationship
is passed the point of no return before you correct your actions. What you'll get in return is a woman who loves, respects and admires you. - Dr. Ellen
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