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Relationship Counseling: An ex girlfriend that can't be with a nice person
Dear Dr. Ellen: My girlfriend broke up with me about two months ago and I don't understand what is happening to her or why she didn't want to be with me. We didn't fight, we always had fun, and I loved her with all my heart. Two weeks before she broke up with me she was in love with me. You can't hide a thing like that. Now she says that
she just wants to be close friends and nothing more. I found out that she is seeing some other guy. She supposedly got involved with him a week after she broke up with me. Our friend said that he's nothing like me. He's a heavy drinker, verbally abusive and can't be trusted. If you would have seen us together the day before she broke up with me, you would swear that she was in love. How could she wake up the next day and decide that I am not the one she loves anymore? She had an abusive boyfriend before me who broke
up with her. I treated her with respect, always cared about her day and helped her out in any situation. I was there for her 100%. Any help or advice that you can give me so that I can understand this, would be appreciated. - Paul
Dear Paul: I am sure that you did everything in your power to be a caring and loving boyfriend. When a man tells me that he is shocked that the woman he loves broke up with him for no apparent reason and is now in the arms of a less than desirable man, I know that deep within her, no matter how she appears, she has little or no self-esteem. She was most likely abused (abandonment falls under that category as well) as a child. Since her earliest experiences with love meant pain, turmoil, disappointment, chaos and heartbreak, at an unconscious level, it feels comfortable and familiar when she meets a man who
represents all of those early feelings. She fell in love with you because, on the surface, you may have seemed unpredictable, unavailable and uninterested in her romantically in the beginning. Once you fell in love with her, your passion, affection, honesty, loyalty and predictability were a turn off to her. Once she started feeling that you could provide her with stability and respect, she felt, at an unconscious level, very uncomfortable because this was so foreign to her. She didn't experience those feelings when she was younger. It is only through years of therapy that she could come to realize that she deserves to be loved and that love is supposed to feel good and not something that continually disappoints you. She is still at the point in her life where she is probably only attracted to men who will disappoint her and prove over and over how worthless she feels inside.
Now here's where the story continues. I believe that as soon as you meet someone else that you truly love, this woman will see you in a romantic light and pursue you once again. She'll love the challenge and once again you will be a couple for a short time and then she'll get bored. If you remain friends, you will destroy any chance you have of finding true happiness because she now knows how to pull your strings. It will only be a
matter of time before she calls and tries to start up your relationship again. She is only interested in what she CAN'T have. As for you, I know that you are hurting and it will take time to heal. You have done nothing wrong. You'll hear me say this over and over in my advice column - You deserve to find a woman who loves you with all her heart and
soul and don't you dare settle for anything less! - Dr. Ellen.
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