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Couples Counseling: As the wedding nears we are fighting more
Dear Dr. Ellen: My boyfriend and I are engaged and we have been living together for a year now. We used to agree on everything and hardly ever argue. During the planning of our wedding we have disagreed on just about everything you could think of. I think of my wedding day as the most important day of my life and to my boyfriend it is just another Saturday night! He wants a small wedding, I want a large one. I want a professional photographer and he wants his cousin to take pictures. That's just three examples. There are many more. It's not that we don't have the money. We are both professionals making good money. We haven't been talking for 2 days now and are both thinking about throwing in the towel and splitting up. We are both stubborn and want our way. My question for you is, "Is it better for me to find an apartment and let him know what life is like without me or stay put and hope this blows over?" We do love each but don't know what to do. - Shelly
Dear Shelly: I don't believe that "Absence makes the heart grow fonder." I believe that if you separate now you'll grow apart and it will be "Out of sight out of mind." Planning a wedding is a very stressful time in any couple's life and like all of life's decisions, the art of compromise has to be learned. I think that a great relationship is built on caring, commitment, communication and compromise.
Here are two rules for reaching a compromise that have worked for me, as well as for thousands of other couples. First, discuss the problem you are having. Make sure you both listen and understand each other's point of view. Put yourself in the other person's shoes. If someone were to ask you to explain how your mate feels about this particular situation, you should be able to give his or her point of view accurately. Next, each of you should contribute possible suggestions to solving the problem. When two people can't agree, it is important for both of you to stop trying to win. An atmosphere of give-and-take will be most beneficial. I know that both of you will have to settle for less than what you want, but it's still better than a brilliant solution where one person wins and the other feels cheated, taken advantage of, or dominated.
Another piece of advice I give couples is that conflict should never lead to their break-up. I've always told my students that, "If two people agree on everything, then one person is not necessary in the relationship!" Arguing and finally compromising is healthy and necessary for two people who have different personalities, viewpoints, ways of doing things and different priorities. It is only through conflict and arguments that two people can understand the other's point of view and ultimately reach some kind of compromise. The bottom line - stay put and in this process, you'll find there is not only personal growth, but also more intimacy and sensuality between the two of you. - Dr. Ellen.
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