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Relationship Counseling: Blended families
Dear Dr. Ellen: I am a single dad of two sons ages 13 and 10. Three years ago I met a girl from school that I knew previously, who was also single with two sons ages 12 and 11. We became fast friends and last year started to date. Everything progressed very well and very quickly. Last December I asked her to marry me, she accepted and we started to plan for our future. We both owned our own homes and I sold mine. In January, my sons and I moved into her home with her children. The first month was heaven, then small differences in our parenting styles started to creep in.
We were continuing to search for a new home for all of us. I was under the impression that when we were in "our" home, we could draft one set of rules for all of the boys. We had absolutely no luck finding a 6 bedroom home. It got more and more difficult with the situation as my sons and I felt more like visitors than family. I talked to her about this and told her that I had decided to move out of her home until we could find "our" home. I also wanted us to attend counseling sessions that specialized in blended families. She took this as I did not love her enough. I tried to explain that it was because I loved her that I was taking this step, to fix things and then move forward. Well, now she tells me that she loves me and misses me and I am in her heart, but her mind is having many hesitations and she has asked me for patience. I have told her that I want our future, I want it more than ever, that we need to fix a few things. What should I do? - William
Dear William: You are thinking that when you find your six bedroom home, somehow you will all magically be one big happy family. Trust me on this one, it will not be the case. Everyone that first month was on their best behavior and what you saw later on was closer to everyone's true self.
I believe that opposites attract. It's your differences that attracted you to each other in the beginning. In most cases, people are attracted to someone who possesses traits they lack themselves. Her strengths are your weaknesses and your strengths are her weaknesses, like two pieces of a puzzle that fit together. You are completely different human beings. That is why each parent has a unique way of relating to his or her children. We are all different; not better or worse, not good or bad, not right or wrong, just different.
One of the most frequent arguments between parents involves how to raise the children properly. I maintain that there is no one proper way to raise a child.
Let's look at some common arguments:
One parent feels it's important for children to discover things on their own through trial and error while the other parent feels they need to be closely guided so they do the right things.
One parent feels young children should be in bed by 7:00 p.m. to get the proper rest while the other parent feels the children can stay up as late as they want, that they will get the sleep that they need.
One parent feels that it's important to include the children in every outing, the other parent feels they need to go out alone once in a while.
One parent feels that it's important for children to play competitive sports while the other parent feels that learning to cooperate together is much more important than competition.
One parent feels it's important to establish routines and schedules, the other parent feels children have an innate sense of what's best for them and should be allowed to establish their own schedules.
In all of these situations you can reach a compromise as long as you don't have the attitude that your mate is wrong and you are right. It's important to understand what it is in your partner's past that makes a particular issue so important to them. Then, from true understanding, you can come up with a solution that you both can live with. To help you compromise, ask yourself this: Keeping in mind that my mate is the most important person in my life, how can I solve this conflict and still validate my mate's feelings
without discounting my own?
I'll give you an example - Joan's husband came from a very strict upbringing. As a child, he always had to be in bed by 8:00 p.m. He vowed that if he ever had children, there would be no set bedtime, and they would establish their own sleep patterns. Joan, on the other hand, felt a loss of intimacy in their relationship because she never got to be alone with her husband. She wanted to have some adult conversation, but their ten year-old required constant attention. Finally, after both had attended my course (when I used to teach classes), they sat down and decided on a compromise. The outcome was that Gina, their daughter, was allowed to stay up as late as she wanted on weekends, but on week nights she would go to bed at 9:00 p.m. to get a good night's rest. That would give Joan two hours of uninterrupted time with her husband, since she never went to bed before 11:00 p.m. anyway.
Making this relationship and family work is going to take a lot of skills that you are both going to have to learn. She's asked you to have patience. I think that's exactly what is needed. I wish you had gone to counseling or joined a support group for blended families before attempting to live together. Both sets of children have already been through one divorce, they don't need another.
Before any couple gets married, I believe they should both be willing to do whatever is necessary to make the relationship work. That means that if you are having problems, you will read books, listen to tapes, even go to counseling to work on your issues - Not leave and think it will magically get better if you buy just the right house! You are probably going to have to slow things down to alleviate her hesitation and prove to her that you are in for the long haul. That means when the going gets tough and it will, you can be counted on to stay and work it out. She needs to understand that maintaining a little distance and staying away from each other won't solve the problem. - Dr. Ellen.
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