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Relationship Counseling: Boyfriend has a volatile ex-wife
Dear Dr. Ellen: I am dating a really nice gentleman who has two wonderful children. He, the children and I get along wonderfully, the problem is his ex-wife. They have been separated for three years. We have been dating for six months. Her behavior is really starting to worry me. She has confronted me, calling me names, and not been clear on
expressing what her problem is with me. She has broken into his house looking for their separation agreement and ripping it up to shreds, damaged his car, and assaulted him physically in front of the children, just to name a few things. I have explained to him and her in a calm and friendly manner that I am not there to replace her or cause any harm. I've offered her to go for a tea and discuss any issues and concerns she may have in regards to her children and me but all I got back was a sever name calling session from her part that was very embarrassing. His stand in the whole thing is that she has done this before, that she will get over it and if it was not for the children, he would not have any contact with her. He called her a "psycho" and he does not seem to be worried over this situation. Do you think that perhaps he is so used to it that he does not see the wrong in it? All I know is that the children are getting hurt by all of this, and that is completely unacceptable in my view. What am I to do? I do not want to end a wonderful, caring and loving relationship with him because of his ex-wife and at the same time I don't want the children to be hurt. I am prepared to do what I can to remedy the situation. - Katrina
Dear Katrina: Unfortunately, what you see is what you get - a man who is kind and loving to you, who also has a volatile ex-wife. He is a package deal and you must decide if you can accept the package. My guess is that the ex-wife has many unsolved issues with her ex-husband and there is really nothing you can do about the way they interact
with each other. You said that she was his ex-wife but that they were separated. I'm wondering if he is legally divorced or not? If not, he may have given her hope in the last three years that eventually they would be together again. Every time he ends a relationship she is thinking that they have a chance again. Now you are in the picture and she rejects you because she still has feelings for him. I don't think he really believes that she is psychotic because if he did, then he would do everything in his power to keep the
children away from her and get a restraining order against her. My question to you is, "If he truly does believe that, why would you want to have a relationship with a man who does not protect his kids from an abusive mother? If his kids are hurting, why should it be you rather than their own father, who does everything in his power to prevent them from getting hurt? Somewhere deep inside he may feel that her rage is justified. Because he has children, he will have a connection with his ex-wife for the rest of his life. You cannot do anything to remedy this situation. You have no control over how other people conduct their lives. You only have control over what you do. My advice is to tell him that it hurts you too much to see how she treats him and at this point you do not want any contact with her at all. That means that you stay at home if he's picking up the children at her house. If she's coming to his house, find a reason to leave and come back when she's gone. If you know she's on the phone, leave the room so you don't hear the conversation. She is probably in a great deal of pain right now and hates her own life. If she finds happiness and falls in love again herself, she will be more accepting of his happiness. I'm sure you've heard the expression, "Misery Loves Company." The thought of him finding any happiness when she is so miserable, is intolerable to her right now. As for you, if he is only separated and not divorced, you may want to rethink about continuing a relationship that will never result in a total commitment to you. - Dr. Ellen
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