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Relationship Counseling: Boyfriend is not "daddy" material
Dear Dr. Ellen: I am a 23 year old mother of a beautiful 3 yr old girl. I have been in a relationship with a very special person for over a year now. He and I are very close and serious and I recently decided to move to Texas and start a life with him. During my move, my daughter had been staying with my mother so I could get everything set up. About 3 days ago, I brought my daughter to our new home for good. Things between Tom and I have become very odd, having a young child is very time consuming as most of my time after work is given to her. It has been 3 days that she has been in our home and he's become very distant towards me, barely speaking to me and it's very upsetting. This morning I felt like there was something bothering him and I asked him to talk to me. He replied, telling me that he didn't think he was ready to assume the responsibility of a child that wasn't his. The thing is, before moving, we discussed the issue of having a child in our home and I addressed the fact that I would never expect him to take the place of her father, that I would act as mother and father if I had to. Since she has been in our home, I have not asked him to do one thing for her. He talks to her, but doesn't really take up any time with her. I don't understand why he feels this way, it's not like I walked in the day I got back with her and said, "Time to start being daddy!" I am more than happy to give her my love and attention, but I feel like he doesn't want to deal with it. How can I talk to him about this without it completely getting ugly? I love him to death and want to spend the rest of my life with him. He knows being a mommy comes first for me and the fact that he said this really hurts. I feel very insulted. - Tracy
Dear Tracy: A year is certainly enough time to see if this man is "daddy material." Obviously it wasn't a requirement of yours and that was a big mistake. You are a package deal now and you cannot consider living with a man who does not love your child. What kind of a life would it be for your daughter, knowing that she has a biological dad who wants nothing to do with her and now the man who lives with mommy feels the same way. You cannot think about spending the rest of your life with a man who does not love your daughter as his own. Since you told him that you would never expect him to take the place of her father and that you would act as mother and father if you had to, tells me that you knew that he wasn't going to assume a parental role prior to your move. Unfortunately, you may have thought that he would eventually change his mind or you were so desperate to have a man in your life that it didn't matter. Either way, he has shown his true colors. Please don't wait any longer and lose what self-respect and dignity you still have. You need to find a place of your own or better yet, move back to where you were before. This child needs to be close to her grandma so she can get the love and attention she deserves and you can get some help in raising her.
The end of a relationship often brings heartache and pain, but there's a lesson to be learned from the despair, humiliation, and loss you experience. It usually forces you to look inside and ultimately to stretch, grow, and gain more knowledge and understanding about yourself. You deserve to find a wonderful man who loves you and will take an active role in parenting your daughter. You cannot settle
for anything less. You started your email by telling me that he was special. There is nothing special about a man who says that he is not ready to assume the responsibility of a child that isn't his. - Dr. Ellen
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