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Relationship Counseling: Boyfriend is the victim of a bitter ex-wife
Dear Dr. Ellen: I am thrilled to be dating a very wonderful man. I have known him for many years. He is very well respected and is truly a good, kind, and generous person. He is a leading community volunteer. He works a full-time job, and then devotes time to coach high-risk kids in basketball. He incorporates life lessons (many learned from you - he has your tapes!) into his coaching. He is loved by the kids and their care-givers. When there is a tragedy, he is one of the first there to assist in any way he can.
I wanted to ask if you have any advice that may help him, and of course myself. This very gentle man is the victim of a bitter ex-wife. She is very antagonistic and one of the most hateful people I have ever seen. They were married 25 years and have been divorced 12 years (the divorce was initiated by her), and evidently she continues to bad-mouth him to this day, especially to their three children. She has claimed he is prejudiced (so not true!), she called the police on him when he would not let his 17 year-old daughter leave his apartment in the middle of the night to go to an party by herself (his daughter called Mom to "make" Dad let her go). In this instance, his ex claimed he abused his daughter. She claims he does not pay child support, but it is well documented that he has never missed a payment, and even extended his payments beyond what he was required to do. The list goes on and on.
Is this woman just desperate to make herself look good at his expense, no matter what it takes, or is she mentally ill? The worst is that she will not stop - he is constantly harassed. The courts here very much do not favor fathers, plus the expenses would be too much to try this route. Seriously, I believe he needs a court order of protection, but as most people who are sick like this, she is a master liar and has proved so in a court of law before.
The effect of her bad-mouthing has been very harmful on the children, who are now around college age. They have all decided to have no contact with their Dad, and he grieves every day for them. I have heard some of their comments, and am shocked at what they believe. It is almost as if they are members of some type of cult and are brainwashed.
I have never once heard him bad-mouth his ex. He has simply gone on with his life, and continues to live a life of compassion and "doing the right thing". But his life is constantly disrupted as he is forced to deal with whatever she dreams up next. He has undergone counseling to help him deal with things. I wonder if his ex-wife, as sick as she is, will ever be able to "get well". Do you have any words on how to handle someone who is completely out of control? I also am not sure what my role should be in all of this. I provide support, but don't know what to do beyond that, or even how I should appropriately provide that support. I appreciate any advice you may have. We need some hope!
I'd love to hear from your subscribers! - Lisa
Dear Lisa: There are always two sides to a story and two versions of the "truth." Although you cannot be considered an impartial third party, I'm going to take what you have said at face value. Maybe I am naive but I still believe that in the end, goodness and truth shall prevail. In your mate's case this will take a long time. There is nothing you can do but support him with your love and understanding. I'm glad you asked this question and it will be interesting to see if any other men have experienced an unfair wrath of an ex-wife. We always hear stories about fathers who are "dead beat dads" or "Disneyland dads" but, we never hear about men who are paying child support and yet are prevented from ever having a good relationship with their children because the mother is revengeful and spiteful.
Our mind believes what it hears the most. If a child is told over and over how stupid and worthless they are, although it isn't true, they come to believe that it is. In the same way, if a mother is constantly portraying the father as a villain, and they hear it enough, they will accept it as the truth. Sadly, it isn't until they are much older and living on their own, that they will reach out and finally try to establish a relationship with him. No one wins in the present situation you are describing. The ex-wife is hurting, the children are hurting and the father is hurting.
I think your mate should write his children a letter telling them that he can't change the way they feel but he wants them to know that the door is always open and he wants to have a relationship with them anytime they are ready. If he can get their college address, at least the letters can't be intercepted. He just has to keep letting them know, every so often, anyway he can, in cards, letters or emails that he loves them and thinks about them every day. He may even want to set up a bank account in each of their names and every birthday or Christmas, he can put a little something in that account. Their mother has poisoned their minds but when they are older and certainly when they begin having a family of their own, they will realize that they need and want their father in their life. That is when they will be open to the possibility that there is another side to the story they have been hearing. - Dr. Ellen
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