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Relationship Counseling: Boyfriend's son has problems
Dear Dr. Ellen: I have been in a relationship for three years with a man whose wife died of a brain tumor 5 years ago. We have enjoyed each other's company and over time, he has said he loves me and was 'getting used to the idea' of a future together. He has two kids, a 9yr. old daughter and a 13yr old son. I am a divorced mother of a 10yr old son.
I was looking towards marriage and blending our families. The problem is his 13yr. old son, Bret. We just returned from a family vacation (the first time we were all together for 1 week), and in his dad's words, 'things aren't working out'. His son Bret spikes his hair with red and black gel. He listens to heavy metal music, swears, and is rude to me and
my son. We have told Bret that this type of behavior is not acceptable but it continues and causes stress all around.
Some further details: Bret is very thin...his dad said he would make an appointment with his doctor to check if Bret may be anorexic. Also, his dad recently was diagnosed with a chronic kidney disease. I have been supportive throughout the kidney crisis and take him for better or worse. It's his son that is changing everything. Now his dad says that we won't go on a vacation all together again. I think our children should be a first priority for us single parents, but this seems like he is allowing his son to determine if we have a future together or not.
I waited for this man to be ready for a relationship after his wife's death, and I am willing to support him through his kidney disease, (no cure, just managed care). His son Bret is not a positive influence on my son and his actions make me uncomfortable. For example, his dad lets him watch movies, TV and video games that I think are inappropriate.
I love this man, and I am struggling with what to do. I would appreciate your advice. - Charlene
Dear Charlene: I don't think there is anything you should do at this time. It is going to take everything this man has, to reach his son and have some type of relationship with him. His son was 8 years old at the time his mom died and I am sure that his acting out is a result of the loss he feels. His daughter was only 4 at the time so her memory of her mom is not as vivid as his son's. His son is going through a difficult time and unless you are willing to put your own son in jeopardy, have boundless energy and love for this other boy, I can tell you that the probability of a successful blending of your two families is very low. As I've said many times before, the man you love is a package deal. You can't have him without his son. It would be one thing if his son was close to an age where he would be moving out to be on his own or going to college. At 13, he will be living at home for a long time. If he is rude and swearing at 13, can you imagine what he would be like at 16 or 17 and living with him on a daily basis?
If you truly want to marry this man then the whole family should be in therapy. Unless his son is willing to accept you as being part of his life, I would be against marriage and blending your families. I believe your son will have great difficulty if he has this boy as his step-brother. - Dr. Ellen
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