Dear Dr. Ellen: I'm a 44-year old mother of a 19-yr old son and an 18-yr old daughter (in high school/working part-time.) I was divorced over 17 years ago and have been in a relationship for almost five years. Jim (44) is a hard worker and a kind man. We are struggling to get through each week until pay day. We own a small hobby farm and Jim owns his own auto repair shop. Over worked and undermanned, he works from 7am until 10pm most nights. I'm working two jobs also, varied hours, including shift work. I really love Jim with all my heart and soul. I thought we had a very open and honest relationship, until I discovered he has had two affairs. They both occurred while I was either in the hospital or recovering from major surgery. Actually, it was my daughter who discovered his affairs. Jim was using the internet chat lines for sex and even met with two women. When I confronted him he admitted his mistakes and wanted me to give him another chance. His excuse was a midlife crisis and being overly stressed. It was his way to escape reality. After a great deal of pain and suffering, I decided to give him a second chance. My daughter, who is spoiled (my fault), inconsiderate and selfish, doesn't want to forgive him. She only cares about herself, her friends and her world. She gives no consideration for other people's feelings. She is currently on a mission to split Jim and me up for good. She is very protective of me and wants us (her & I) to move out. I have had only three relationships since my divorce, and always felt that if you want me, you have to accept the package deal. To date, Jim is the only one to take on the package, that is, until now. The two of them are always at each other's throat or mine. He has stated to me that either my daughter straightens up her act or he's gone. I'm a wreck. I have to choose between my love for my children or my lover. Part of me is saying goodbye to him and part of me is saying the same to my daughter - it's time to move out. What do I do? - Donna

Dear Donna: I really think that your daughter has a good head on her shoulders and is the only one who is thinking clearly. As for caring for her friends and her world, that is what 18-year olds are supposed to be doing. How could you possibly think that your daughter is spoiled? This is a young woman who hardly ever sees you, due to the fact that you are working so much, has no biological or step-dad caring about her, lives with a man who spends his time in adult chat rooms and has had 2 affairs while you were recuperating, sees the family struggling financially every single day and works part-time, while going to school. If you think that is spoiled, you really need to take a hard look at what is really going on. As for her mission to split you and Jim up, I think she is completely justified in doing that. How blessed you are to have an 18-year old who wants to protect you and convince you to move out with her. She has seen with her own eyes what Jim has been doing and therefore has no respect for him. Of course there is conflict. He is the last person who should be directing her life and telling her what she can and can't do. He wants her gone so he can continue his addiction without having someone looking over his shoulder. He has learned that you will settle and believe his lies but your daughter will not. Do you realize that this is a role reversal and you should be the one who is protecting her? She has to see her mom living with a man who cannot provide for them financially, emotionally and spiritually. Jim has stated to you that either your daughter straightens up her act or he's gone. Well here's my advice to you. Tell Jim that either he straightens up his act or he's gone. There should not be a doubt in your mind that your daughter is the one who loves you unconditionally and Jim is leading a double life that is filled with lies. - Dr. Ellen