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Relationship Counseling: Dealing with a long distance relationship
Dear Dr. Ellen: I have fallen very much in love with this girl. Because we don't study at the same university, we have little time together. Now, I'm going to study abroad in another country and it will be for a long period of time. I don't know how to keep our relationship going. We have not kissed yet. I think the first kiss will be a romantic memory. Could you tell me how to kiss in a romantic way and how can we can keep our
relationship going? It's all my problem. - Mason
Dear Mason: You can stay connected by e-mailing each other, writing letters and once in a while having a conversation on the phone. Although the latter can be expensive, you can find a long distance carrier that will make it affordable.
There is something about hearing a person's voice that makes for a more intimate connection. Most of the time, in the beginning of a relationship, the physical attraction is usually so strong that it gets in the way of the emotional, intellectual and spiritual connection. If you don't have the physical connection preoccupying 90% of your time
then you can really get to know someone and fall even more deeply in love with them.
You will both have to fight the loneliness of being apart and make every attempt to see each other periodically. Many people find it too hard to have an exclusive commitment when there isn't a strong foundation to begin with and there is no defined time limit. It's one thing to know that you'll be apart for 6 months and then you'll be back together. It's another to say, "I'll be gone for four years, please wait for me." I am a great believer in fate. If you are truly meant for each other, then no matter how many people you date, no matter how much time elapses, no matter how far apart you are, you'll somehow wind up together.
If on the other hand, you are not destined to be together, then nothing you do will change that. As for a specific technique for kissing, let me assure you that it will feel completely natural if the two of you are a romantic match.
Let me tell you about my first kiss: I came from a very strict upbringing. I was not allowed to date until I was 16. The boys that I went out with were just friends. Then, in my junior year, I met Steve. He asked me to a high school dance. We agreed that we should dance with other people as long as we would save the last dance for each other. We wound up dancing the last two slow dances together. We talked the entire time on the
bus ride home. It felt so natural to ask him to come in and finish our conversation. We sat in the living room and talked for about two hours. I remember having a piece of hard candy in my mouth and out of the blue Steve asked, "When are you going to finish that candy?" The question took me by surprise and I asked, "Why do you want to know?" He said, "Because I want to kiss you." My heart started pounding as I realized that I was
going to get my first real kiss. How could he want to kiss me with braces on my teeth? What if his lip got caught on the metal? Obviously, he didn't care. He was focused on only one thing. I kept the candy in my mouth as long as I could, but the moment had finally come. He put his arms around me, pulled me close and gave me THE KISS. The fireworks began and I never wanted that night to end.
When people ask me if it was love at first sight I always say, "no, it was love at first kiss." He gave me my first kiss but it was not to be my last. In the next few years, lots of dating and kisses followed, but nothing ever came close to the feeling I had with Steve. Six years later I married the man who gave me my first kiss and we've been married now for 37 years. - Dr. Ellen.
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