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Relationship Counseling: Decision being based on fear
Dear Dr. Ellen: I just spent the last 2 nights arguing with my girlfriend. She wants me to go to her ten-year high school reunion and I think it's a waste of time and money. I'd have to pay for airfare, spend money on a hotel and rent a car. I'm sort of shy and uncomfortable in groups so the thought of spending time talking to people I don't even know would only make me feel like an outsider. My girlfriend says this is really
important to her and if I really loved her I'd go. I do love her and want to spend the rest of my life with her but don't want to go to her reunion. How can we resolve this when we both have such different point of views? - Paul
Dear Paul: In a committed relationship, the decisions you and your mate make will guide your life together. Whether it's deciding to buy a house, or going to a reunion, the decisions will affect the dynamics of your relationship. I believe that every decision we make is either based on love or fear. If you make your decision based on fear, your relationship will be haunted by insecurities, anxiety and negative energy. If you make your decisions based on love, your relationship will be touched by nothing but warmth, confidence and trust. So ask yourself this question, "What am I afraid of?" Here are some possible answers. a) Fear of losing money (it costs quite a bit to travel these days) b) Fear that you won't be accepted (you are "shy and uncomfortable" - your words, not mine) c) Fear that you may lose your girlfriend (after a fun-filled weekend with her classmates, she might decide that you are too quiet and not much fun to be around) d) Fear of not measuring up (maybe there will be some ex-boyfriends that you feel you can't compete with). Now, here comes the most important question to ask yourself, "What would I do if I were making my decision to go based on love and not fear?" My guess is that the loving
thing to do is to go to the reunion since it's so important to your girlfriend. Fear gets in the way of having a healthy, loving and supportive relationship. She wouldn't ask you to go if she wasn't proud of you. So, do let her show you off to all her high school friends and count yourself a lucky man to have a woman who wants to introduce you to her past and has nothing to hide. - Dr. Ellen.
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