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Relationship Counseling: Am I too old for him?
Dear Dr. Ellen: I am a divorced 58 yr. old woman who has met a divorced 37 yr. old man about 6 months ago at our church. He approached me the first time he saw me and
spoke to me and gave me his card. I rarely call men so I didn't call him. I continued to see him at church twice a week and he sits with me now. We have been out a few times and he is polite and a real gentleman toward me. He calls me sometimes and we have good conversations. My question to you is this - Do you think that I am too old for him? I have always dated men that were from 7 to 15 yrs. younger than I am, because I look younger and dress and carry myself with a cheerful, positive, attitude. I am no frumpy woman by any means. We are making plans to see each other a little more often other than church. He has asked me twice how old I am and I told him that I am timeless, and he just smiles. I am not to concerned at this point and trying hard not to project, but if we were to get more serious, should I tell him my age? We are having fun going out and we are getting to know each other slowly. There has been no physical contact at all other than a hug when we meet and are leaving each other, which is really good. Because we are Christians, we have talked about how first and foremost we want to obey God and be pure (celibate) because we are unmarried. We have both had relationships (sexual) in the past and we know how that changes EVERYTHING and we do not want that. I feel at times his attraction towards me and I also am attracted to him, but we do not act on it. We
are both strong in our faith and our beliefs and it feels really good to share this with him. I would appreciate your feedback. - Kara
Dear Kara: I don't ever feel that age matters but before you get more emotionally involved with this guy, you should find out if it matters to HIM. Keeping something
like that hidden is only going to hurt you in the long run if it turns out that he is concerned about that. Many men could care less because all that matters to them is
how well they get along, how physically attracted they are and how much they have in common. However, there are others who are bothered by it and worry what friends and
family might say. I think it's important to find out which group he belongs to. He has asked you twice and since you have avoided the answer, I am sure that it is on his mind. I do not believe that any relationship should begin by keeping secrets or avoiding a truthful
answer when a direct question is asked.
You may be thinking that if he gets to know you really well and becomes romantically involved with you, then it won't matter. That's the way it should be but there is no reason to postpone finding out before you get any closer.
Many women will hide the fact that they have a child from a previous marriage. Their thinking is the same. The truth is that they should not become emotionally involved
with a man who does not want children in his life or is uncomfortable with a step child in the future. Hiding the fact that you have children or your age instead of being proud of it, is not the way to begin a healthy relationship.
I am a great believer that if a relationship is meant to be then nothing you say or do is going to change that. If, on the other hand, a relationship is not meant to be, then
nothing you say or do is going to make it happen. - Dr. Ellen
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