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Couples Counseling: Fear of Commitment
Dear Dr. Ellen: I've been divorced for many years and have had a few relationships that have ended poorly. I have learned some painful lessons. I now find that I am meeting a higher caliber man because I have raised my expectations. Now that I am getting to know some really good ones, I am reluctant to make a commitment. I fear that I might have to give up some of my independence. What I dread the most is changing the plan that I have
for myself. My daughter is 16 and will finish high school in 2 years. I would love to move away from this small town, but I have promised her that I will stay until she is done with school. I am tired of driving an hour just to go dancing or see a play. I'm self-employed so I can make a living anywhere. I recently met a man that I really like. He wants a commitment from me and I just can't do it. He has three young boys (4,7, & 10) from a previous marriage, and I really didn't see being a step-mom in my future. Moving away isn't a viable option for him. My question is, do I go for this guy who has a few
relationship kinks, but is more willing to work on building a solid relationship than anyone I have ever known? It kind of squashes my plans for my future, but would create a "family" future in its place. Or do I just end it before it goes any further because I don't think I will be happy if I am trapped in this small town for another decade or more. I'm not sure if I am just afraid to make a commitment or if the problems presented make it
not worth it to me. Any help would be greatly appreciated. - Karen
Dear Karen: I think if you read your own email you'll see that you have answered your own question. It sound like your inner guide is very strong and all you have to do is listen to it and honor your own feelings. I think you are doing the right thing by waiting until your daughter finishes high school and then pursuing your dream. Two years is a long time and there is no reason not to see this man. If you are honest with him and tell him exactly what you are planning to do, it's his choice whether he wants to spend the next few years with you without a commitment on your part. The last thing your daughter or his children need is another divorce. He is a package deal and his kids are part of the package. If you do not want to be a step mom then don't try and convince yourself that you should. When you walk down the aisle this time, it should be without one doubt in your mind that this is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with. You may move away, only to find out that what you are looking for is in your own backyard. It's a journey that you will have to go on and I don't think you can speed up the process. You have to take this relationship one day at a time and if he wants more than you can give, it's time that he moved on. Let that be his choice and not yours. Your obligation is to be as honest as you can be. Dr. Ellen
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