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Relationship Counseling: Girl wants to take it too slowly
Dear Dr. Ellen: Every few years I move to a new area. I have been screwed over by every girl I've liked. Now I find myself very confused. I met a girl about 3 months ago. A month ago I found out she liked me which to me was a relief because I really liked her from the beginning. She told me she didn't want a relationship and if I wanted it to work I would have to take my time with her. I told her that was fine. Well, after hanging out with her and only her I decided to tell her not to make plans one night, that I had a special surprise for her. I told her to meet me at the park where we first meet and upon her
arriving she let me blind fold her and lead her to the top of a little hill and I uncovered her eyes. She was surprised to find that there was a blanket and candles and strawberries and I even handed her flowers. We sat around and talked for 2 hours about our own lives and just sharing stuff with each other. Then I told her to close her eyes. I kissed her really passionately. At first she really wasn't expecting it then she relaxed a little. That's all we did. All I was wanting was a little kiss to see if something was there and we both agreed it was. The next day she came up to my work and told me that that little kiss was too fast for her. I responded with, "How could we wait 3 months before I ever kiss you and it's still too fast??? Every time a girl says something like that to me, within a month she is in a relationship with someone else. My question is, What more do I need to do to make her understand and believe this is something good and not every guy will be this way for
her. - Joe
Dear Joe: You sound like a terrific guy and any girl would be lucky to have you as her boyfriend. I obviously don't know your girlfriend but from the response she gave to you, here are some possibilities. (1) She is very old fashioned and wants to know that there is really a future with you before she connects in a physical way. (2) She's been hurt in the past and doesn't want to act impulsively this time around. (3) She is not attracted to you in a romantic way and therefore doesn't feel comfortable with any physical contact. She sees you more as a friend and connects with you on an emotional and spiritual level and is hoping that in time she will feel differently. (4) She is not over her ex boyfriend yet and is still secretly hoping that they get back together again. If they do she has nothing to be ashamed of. (5) She has been physically abused in the past and has a very hard time with any sexual connection.
If you don't know which one of the above applies to her by now, you should ask her what has happened in her past that makes her so uncomfortable connecting with you in a physical way. You can't change the time she needs, but truly understanding why she feels as she does, will help you be more understanding and patient. Of course, you didn't mention whether she hugs you tightly or is willing to hold hand. If she doesn't and isn't willing to open up and tell you why, then only you can determine how long you are willing to continue having a platonic relationship with her. - Dr. Ellen
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