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Girlfriend does not want to be a step-mom
Dear Dr. Ellen: I am praying that you'll take a minute to respond to this email. I'm a 35 yr old male, who recently split up with my fiancee. I have two kids m-9, f-3 from a previous relationship that had ended about a year and a half, when a girl and I got together. Our relationship was truly wonderful. For the first time in my life, I really wanted to be a better, more thoughtful person, instead of demanding from my partner.
We split up because she decided that the kids, who she has never met (we were working overseas) were too much for her to deal with. She tried but became frustrated and although we remain desperately in love we haven't been able to find common ground on this subject. It's so sad, because everything else is perfect. We are madly in love, and treat each other well. She's 24 and really wanted a life together here in Canada (she's from South Africa), and I'm the only man she has known that hasn't let her down with broken promises. We just spent a blissful, beautiful week together here in Canada, and it
was like nothing had changed, including her fear of inheriting a ready-made family as she calls it. The kids visit me every other weekend, and one night a week. They live with their mother who has a partner, and her and I are respectful and decent towards one another. I really am trying to understand my girl's feelings and fears, but I wish I knew what to say and do. I am not looking for a mother for my kids-they have one. I would give anything to give my love the life she wants. She is jumping from country to country looking for work and a home. She admits that I have everything she could ever need or ask for, and I treat her like gold, but she still won't budge on the kids. My heart is broken. The only thing I can't do is leave my kids out of my life again--I was gone for 2 years for work purposes, and I thank God I have a relationship with them again. When she left today, she said she wishes she could marry me and share the life we dreamed of, but she can't see it now, and doesn't want to give me hope. I used to doubt her sincerity on this but no longer. I wonder if it's a matter of time and faith before we might be able to fulfill our dreams of a life together. Please help. Thank you. - Richard
Dear Richard: I know that you are hurting but the pain you are feeling right now is nothing compared to the pain you would be feeling if this young woman had deceived you into thinking she would be a great step-mom. There are so many women who are so desperate to get married that they will say anything to convince their partner that they would make a wonderful wife. Thank goodness she was honest with you. You may think that you are not "looking for a mother for your kids" but you are wrong. They definitely need a step-mom who loves and accepts them when they come over for the weekend. It will take a very loving and compassionate woman to give them the time and attention
they need. She'll also have to be unselfish and mature enough to share with them the precious little time they have with you. For the average 24 year old this is just too much to ask. There are definitely women that age who would gladly accept the role of wife and mother but your fiancee was not one of them. I frankly find it hard to believe that you would even consider marrying a woman who has never even met your children. How could you possibly consider spending the rest of your life with someone before seeing how she interacted and related to your children?
Seeing your children every other weekend and 1 night may not seem like much of an imposition for you but that can seem like an eternity for the wrong woman. You have more than just yourself to consider now. It so happens that you fell in love with a woman who is simply not ready to settle down and help raise your children. In reality, that is what she would have to do. Your children do not need to suffer any more than they already do knowing that their mom and dad are not together. The last thing they need is
a woman who is not ready to be part of their life and resents them being part of yours. It's pretty easy for any couple to have a "blissful, beautiful week together" without the children. In fact, I encourage couples to do that if they are to remain lovers while raising their children.
However, since this woman only sees herself as your lover and not a mother to your "ready-made family", you will have to continue your search until you find a woman who is completely committed to fulfilling both of these important roles. - Dr. Ellen
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