His Family is Causing Problems in Our Marriage
Dear Dr. Ellen: My husband is part of a large family. He has two
brothers and one sister. Every Friday night his parents have a Friday
night dinner where his grandparents, brothers, sister and kids all come.
They want us to attend every dinner. There is also a once a month Sunday
dinner. Everything is always at my husband's parent's house and they
live 45 minutes from us. His older brother lives maybe 5 minutes from
them and goes to everything. My husband and I have 2 children of our
own. My problem is that there is too much of his family stuff. If his
mom hasn't seen us for a week or so will start laying on the guilt about
how she misses us. If she misses us so much why not drive the 45 minutes
to our house? I'm fed up!! My husband's mother is trying to control him
and in doing so, control me. My husband works Mon-Fri from 5:30 am to
6:30 pm and I barely see him. I'm his wife, and our kids miss him. I'm
tired of hearing from him that his mom is not trying to manipulate him,
that she just misses him so much. I love my mom and when she misses me
she comes to our house. Please help. - Sylvia
Dear Sylvia: It's hard for me to believe that this is a shock to you to
find out that you were marrying into a close knit family. I am sure that
your husband participated in these Friday night dinners when he first
began dating you. You had to have known what you were getting yourself
into, right from the start. I am sure that your children (depending on
their ages) love the commotion of seeing their cousins, nieces, and
nephews. Also, you don't have to prepare for the dinner, nor do you have
to clean up after everyone because it's at your mother-in-law's house,
not yours. It would take you at least 45 minutes to do that on your own.
What you should be concentrating on is how lucky you are to have such a
family oriented husband who is not out with the guys, drinking every
Friday night but instead, wants to see his family.
I believe that when you have so many generations and family members
getting together once a week in order to eat and socialize, you are
surrounding yourself with a lot of support and love. I believe that your
children's lives are richer and fuller because of it. Depending on you
attitude, you can make your husband feel proud and excited about his
family and their love for one another, or you can make him feel ashamed
and embarrassed that he still wants to see them on a weekly basis. I
believe that you should be doing the former. Getting together as a
family and having that sense of belonging is not something we practice
in our country but it is the norm in other parts of the world. In other
countries, building a family history is important - it contributes to a
sense of belonging and connectedness that supports the stability of the
individual, the family and society as a whole. It is something that
should be practiced here in America, but instead everyone is caught up
in their own rush of life.
Your husband's grandparents are not going to be around much longer and
what a blessing for your children to have such a large gathering every
Friday evening. There are many people who are orphans or have strained
family relationships that would trade places with you in a heartbeat.
I'm sure that you will find many people who will see it through your
eyes. However, I get hundreds of emails from women whose husband's have
finally distanced themselves from their marriages because they are sick
and tired of being caught in the middle of the two women they love most
in this world. The men have told me that it eventually gets to be
exhausting and they feel torn in half. I want you to know that I do
believe in the saying, "A daughter is a daughter for the rest of your
life, a son is a son till he gets a wife." I agree that your husband's
allegiance is to you and you should be his first priority. My point is
just to open your eyes and have you look at this as a positive
experience instead of a negative one. If you keep going down the path
you've chosen, you will not achieve your ultimate goal, which is to be
closer to your husband. He will resent you in the long run for keeping
him from the family ritual. You need to ask yourself, "If we go once a
month or every couple of months and he has to endure his mom's
disappointment (which will not change), is my husband going to love me
more and feel closer and more connected to me? One of the questions I
always ask a woman is, "Do you want to be right or do you want to be
loved? - Dr. Ellen
