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Relationship Counseling: How do I know if he really wants to be with me?
Dear Dr. Ellen: About six months ago, I broke up with my boyfriend of five months because I did not "trust" his feelings. He was not very good at telling me his feelings or being sweet to me. I was crazy about him and I worked very hard to not expect so much from him and be a stronger person. I thought that I was the one with the problem because I was insecure. I thought if only I could be more secure in myself, I could trust him. I guess when I laid it all out and finally asked him (after five months) what he thought of me and he said "Why do you have to push it?", I finally gave up. I broke up with him and told him when he was ready to talk about it, he could call me. Well, he did call a couple times for various reasons, not having to do with our relationship. Recently, I have been seeing him out and he has seemed so happy to see me, and he even has called me once, but he never said anything about "us". Finally, last week, he told me he loved me. He gave me his pager number and I was supposed to page him when I got home. Well, I didn't page him because I had forgotten the number, so I emailed him (I had no other numbers for him either, although he had mine...). He emailed me back and gave me the number and told me to get a hold of him. My problem is, if I give it another chance, is it really going to be any better? I would love to be with him, as I said, I really feel something for him. My friends don't really think I should. I just think that if I don't "try", I may regret it. Do I make the move, or do I wait for him? And how do I know he really wants to be with me? - Andrea
Dear Andrea: Whatever upset you about your ex boyfriend has not been resolved. He will be very motivated at this time because he realizes what he lost and wants it back. If you make it easy for him and get back together without requiring any changes in his behavior, he'll lose respect for you and you'll be right back where you started. Remember whatever we can have anytime, anyplace has never as much value as something we have to work for. It has to have felt good for him to have gotten so much attention from you and not having to treat you well or put too much effort back on his part. When you were no longer there he realized how important you are to him. If I were you I would first talk on the phone and refuse to see him until you really had a heart to heart conversation and told him what you needed from him. That alone would probably shock him because up to now you have probably been very predictable. BECOME UNPREDICTABLE! You deserve to have a man who loves you with all his heart and soul and don't you dare settle for anything less. I think it's very important to ask your boyfriend to listen to the "Light Her Fire" program.( It should definitely be one of your requirements) Everything starts in the brain and without new information you will both continue to relate to each other in the same way. From what you have described, I believe that you have probably been a loving, devoted and nurturing girlfriend. There aren't very many women who would have been as loving and kind to their mate if they weren't getting their needs met as well. He is very lucky to have someone like you in his life and he's just now realizing that. I always ask someone in your position, what advice you would give to your best friend if she came to you and asking for your advice as she describes the man you've been telling me about. Most of the time we give terrific advice to our best friend because we really care about their happiness and we don't care about ourselves enough to give the same advice. A good technique when you want some advice yourself is to say, "What would I tell my best friend. if she were in my situation?"
Next, I would like you to think about a time in the past when he showed you some affection. No matter how small a gesture, what was different about you at that time? Sometimes we change and don't even see it. Maybe you were happier, more confident or a little more independent. Try to be very honest and take a hard look at yourself. Here's another question to ask yourself. When I get a good response from him, what am I doing differently?" Lastly, relationships are like a seesaw. The more one person does, the less the other person has to do. So maybe it's time you think about doing less and maybe he'll decide to do more. I know this will be very hard for you but believe me, the end result will be worth it. - Dr. Ellen
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