Dear Dr. Ellen: A few months ago my husband confided in me that a 23
year old woman had gotten in touch with him, and told him that he may be
her dad. He actually met her one time and found out that all of her life
she thought that her dad was the man who raised her. Her mom and dad
went through a bitter divorce a few years ago. One night, when her mom
had too much to drink, she told her daughter that her real dad was
probably my husband. This young woman spent a long time agonizing over
whether to contact my husband because she didn't want to ruin his life.
This all happened long before my husband and I met.
My husband said that they had gone out for a year when she suddenly
broke up with him. Shortly after that she fell in love with someone else
and married rather quickly. My husband has no desire to do any testing
and simply told this girl that he couldn't imagine being her father.
He's had no contact with her since that time. Well, it's been eating at
me ever since this happened and I keep thinking that if she is his
daughter then he will have to divide his love between our 18 year old
son who is about to enter college, this new young woman and me. I want
to know what you think would be the right thing to do. Thank You. - Cindy
Dear Cindy: For the sake of everyone's peace of mind, it is important
for your husband to get a DNA test. If he turns out not to be the
father, then there is no need to ever have contact with this girl again.
If he is the father, then he should develop a relationship with his
daughter. Believe me, a person has the capacity to love more than just
one child and it doesn't have to be from birth. If you can be supportive
of your husband and give him your unconditional love, no matter what the
outcome of this test, then I think he will be less afraid to take the
test.
I want you to pretend for just a moment that you are his ex-girlfriend,
23 years ago. You have a child so it will not be that difficult for you
to use your imagination. Let's say you got pregnant at a young age by a
man you didn't really love. Because you are young and now have fallen in
love with a man that you think will be a more suitable husband and a
better father for your baby, you break up and marry this other man.
Because you were intimate with both men, you really aren't sure which
one is the father. It is just easier for you and especially your son, to
grow up thinking that your husband is his father. Of course, I have no
way of knowing whether she told her husband that she may have been
pregnant by another man. He may have thought from the beginning that he
was the father of her child. But regardless, here is the most important
part. I want you to think about what it would be like, if your son was
raised believing that your husband was his dad. Then, finally, as an
adult you tell him that there is a good possibility that another man
might be his father. Can you imagine the turmoil your son would be going
through? He doesn't want to intrude on this man's life because he knows
that he's married and has a child and yet he wants to know if he is his
biological father. How cruel would it be to withhold that information so
that he never knows for sure? This is about alleviating the anguish of a
young woman. Since you now know that it is a possibility, this will keep
eating at you and eventually erode your marriage if you don't find out
the truth. You can't ignore this and hope it will all go away. I believe
in the saying, "The truth shall set you free."
Your husband cannot be blamed for what happened 23 years ago because he
wasn't told about his girlfriend's pregnancy. But now he has a moral
obligation to give this young woman closure. If he is her dad, I would
like all of you to embrace this young woman and welcome her to your
family. Whenever you have difficulty in making a decision, there is
usually fear involved. To make the best possible decision, it is
important to ask yourself, "If I were coming from a loving place deep
inside me, if I knew I was completely safe, that my instincts were
trustworthy and my motives were pure, how would I react and what would I
do?" The answer to this question is sometimes very different than what
you would normally do or say, but it will be the right answer. - Dr.
Ellen
