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Relationship Counseling: Fell in love with someone else's boyfriend
Dear Dr. Ellen: I'm desperately in love with someone. We met in Mexico when I was working there for 2 months in a hotel and he came to stay at the hotel for 3 weeks. We had a relationship for two weeks even though I knew he had a girlfriend. I let my feelings
go. I think he is my true love. When he left he almost cried and we kept in touch by phone. I stayed in Mexico and then came back home. He only lives about a half hour from me but he didn't break up with his girlfriend. I called him one day to meet, he came to see me, and he said that he had feelings for me but that he wanted to try to make things work with his girlfriend. I acted like I agreed and told him that it was the best thing to do but to do that we would have to break all contact with each other so that he could give her an honest chance. Now I'm miserable. I love him so much but he doesn't know and I walked away without fighting for him and now I might not see him again. - Julia
Dear Julia: I know this is a hard time for you but you absolutely did the right thing. I would, however, question this man's character. How could you possibly trust someone who would get into a short-term relationship, knowing that he's probably talking and lying to his girlfriend while he's seeing you? Would you want to be his girlfriend at home knowing how he acted with you? To describe to you what character is all about I'd like to tell you about the son of a good friend of mine. We just attended his wedding. When he
first met his future wife, he was in an exclusive relationship with someone else but was having problems. They met through a mutual friend. They hit it off right away at dinner but then this young man said that before he would ever ask her out he would have to break up with his girlfriend because it wasn't fair to want to date someone else and stay in the relationship. He told her it might take a couple of weeks before he felt free to date. It took almost a month for him to call but when he did, he had completely ended the other relationship. Now that's someone you can respect. My guess is that you will probably get a call from this guy again, sometime in the future. I can't imagine him having a great
relationship with a woman he leaves for 3 weeks and never asks her to join him. Instead, he begins a relationship with you. Garth Brooks has a song called, "Thank God for
Unanswered Prayers." I hope you meet and fall in love with someone who is honorable and most of all, trustworthy. Sometimes our unanswered prayers are really a blessing in disguise. And yes, you did the right thing because I always believe you should behave as you would want others to behave. Let's say that you were in a relationship with a man like you are describing. He met another woman who he had a fling with. Then he told that other woman that he was going to try to make his relationship with you work. Wouldn't you want that woman to respect his wishes and not beg or vow her undying love for your boyfriend? You are a woman who he can respect and admire for your understanding and "class" in this situation. You may not feel great right now but I'll bet that someday you'll look back and feel pretty good about yourself, saying what you said. - Dr. Ellen
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