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Relationship Counseling: I am painfully shy
Dear Dr. Ellen: I am a very shy 23 year old male who has a problem with people. I have a job that up to now I love because I deal with computers and not people. My company has decided to send me out on sales calls along with a salesman. I am so shy that I usually have a problem looking people in the eye and I don't know what to do. I've lost sleep over this so I decided to see if you have any suggestions. - Jim
Dear Jim: You know the expression, "The eyes are the windows of the soul." When someone meets you for the first time and you don't make eye contact, that person starts thinking, "What is he afraid of," or "What is he trying to hide," or "There's someone with NO confidence." Usually the fear on your part is that, "If I look into your eyes, you'll see straight through me." The message comes in loud and clear. I'M AFRAID, I DON'T HAVE ANY CONFIDENCE. YOU ARE SUPERIOR TO ME. That is not a very appealing trait, unless of course you meet a gorilla. They say that you have to look
down so the gorilla knows he is superior and that there's no challenge. But I will assume there are no gorillas in your immediate future. So I want you to practice, practice until you get so good at looking someone square in the eyes that you would not dream of looking at someone's belly button or shoes. No matter how uncomfortable it feels, do it anyway. As people begin to pay more attention to you and respect you more, it will get easier and easier.
Also, look at your posture. Are you standing erect? Are your shoulders back, your chin lifted, and your head held high? Confident people walk a little faster and stand a little taller. Take some afternoon and be a people watcher. Go to a mall and just watch people as they pass. You will be amazed at what you can tell about someone just walking by. Some look like, "I'm important and have pride in myself" and you can see they have a
bounce in their step. They look confident. Then there are those whose posture and walk say, "I'm not confident at all." Pick out a confident person and walk behind them and mimic their style. Stay far enough behind so you don't get noticed, after all, I don't want them to call security because they are being followed.
I also want you to practice smiling. Smiling is such a simple act, but powerful medicine. I just saw a clip of a new video that shows nothing but babies smiling, one after another. It was an hour long show of different babies grinning from ear to ear. You cannot help but laugh and smile when you see that. When you smile at someone the message you send is, "I'm comfortable with myself and I'm happy." People want to be around people who are happy. Even when I was scared out of my mind doing a talk show or a lecture, I always made sure there was a smile on my face. I know you're saying, "But if I'm scared, how can I smile?" Like everything else I teach, it takes practice. The mirror is a great place to start. Practice when no one is around. Then move to the outside. Try it in an elevator, try it while you're jogging, try it in a restaurant. Practice looking into a stranger's eyes and if you get really brave you can add a nice big "Hi" and then a smile and watch how people react. You will get back what you give out.
One last thing I would like to tell is to voice your opinion when you are in this new setting. I know that this will also be really hard for you because your inner voice says, "If I say something, I'm going to say the wrong thing" or "My opinion doesn't count - who cares what I think," or "I don't want everyone to know how stupid I am." When you decide to say nothing, you reinforce your lack of confidence every time. It makes you feel even more inadequate and have a poor self-image. The opposite is true, too. The more you speak up, the more confident you will become and the easier it will be to speak the next time. It doesn't matter that your heart is pounding, speak anyway. So from now on, I want you to promise me that you will make a comment, ask a question or make a suggestion. At least something will come out of your mouth at the next meeting,
business conference, or family gathering. Remember action is the quickest way to get rid of fear and I want you to practice, practice, practice. - Dr. Ellen
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