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Relationship Counseling: I am too shy to start a conversation
Dear Dr. Ellen: I am a very shy 35 year old male who never knows how to start a conversation with a woman or what to talk about so I usually say nothing. My friends have given up on me and don't invite me to go to parties anymore. I can't say that I blame them. I wouldn't want me at a party either. I'm not bad looking because I see women smiling at me at work and also if I'm out somewhere. I just can't think of what to say. I could never use an obvious pick up line because it would make me too uncomfortable. So my question is what do I say after, "Hi.?" - Brad
Dear Brad: You need to use what I call "The Barbara Walters technique." That means you should try and learn as much as you can about other people. Forget about you trying to make a good impression and find out what is special and unique about the person you
are talking to. Most people want you to pay attention to them and if you develop the ability to make them seem like they are interesting, special and unique, they'll think you are wonderful. I teach men and women that we all want to be with people who make us feel good about who we are. The easiest way to do this is to pretend you are Barbara Walters or any other talk show host and ask questions that do not require a simple yes or no answer. For example, if you would like to start a conversation with someone at work you might ask, "How did you get started working here?" If you are at a party you might ask, "What made you decide to come here tonight?" Here are a few more: What do you like to do outside of work? How has your life changed in the last few years? What do you expect will happen in the next year to you? How are you coping with that? Notice the questions you want to ask are not questions that a person can answer with a yes or no response. They are open-ended. If you asked the question, "Are you enjoying yourself," it only requires a yes or no answer and then you've found out nothing. But if you saw someone standing by themselves you could go up to them and say, "You look so serious
or happy (whatever the case may be), what are you thinking about?" That requires them to give you some information about themselves.
Many times, if a person is shy, they put a lot of pressure on themselves to continually come up with interesting and exciting topics for conversation. That isn't necessary. Most people want you to pay attention to them. So, after you've asked them a question and
they answer it, repeat back what you heard them say. You almost feel like a parrot at first, but you'll get the hang of it. So let's say I've said, "Gee you look so serious, what's on your mind?" I hear back, "They've just laid off a lot of people at work and I'm afraid I'll be next." Now fight the tendency to come back with, "Just think positively and it won't happen," or "Why worry till it happens." Instead, repeat what they just told you, only put in your own words. For example," You mean the company has been downsizing and you may have to look for another job?" Another example is that someone says, "My friend was supposed to call and it's getting late. I don't know where she is." You would then say, "Your friend was going to call you at a certain time and she didn't, so you're worried?" If a person feels understood, they'll want to continue talking to you.
The only other thing you need to know is that people love to know that what they are saying is important. So saying things like, "That is very interesting. I like your point of view; Sounds like you've done your homework; How'd you get to be so smart or funny?" are all statements that make another person feel good.
Spend some time watching someone who is very comfortable around people and notice how truly interested they are in other people. One more piece of advice - Practice, practice, practice! - Dr. Ellen
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