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Relationship Counseling: I am treated badly by the father of my kids
Dear Dr Ellen: I am 35 years of age, with three kids (two boys and one girl) from the same relationship that has lasted for more than twelve years. I have made my fair share of blunders, but more than anything else, I have been a slave. My man is not supportive in any way, and does not want to get married so I can be his legal wife. He does not want
me to buy anything, nor does he buy anything for me. It doesn't matter what it is, if I buy a bed, carpet or a computer game for the kids, we fight like hell. Now, this time I made it worse because I bought a car. My son has "autism" and I'm breastfeeding the other so there are times when I need to drive somewhere. He works quite a distance from home and he only comes home when it suits him (maybe after two or three weeks). He doesn't give me money to buy food, pay school fees or pay for rent and electricity. I tried several times to talk to him about this but it does not help at all. Each time we try to make things work he gets angry, hangs up his phone and switches it to "Off" so I can not talk to him at all. Then in about a week or two he'll talk to me again. I suspect he has some girlfriends and I feel enough is enough, because each time I sleep with him I feel sick. I
want out with all my heart but he keeps on promising me that everything will be okay. Should get out of this relationship or will I regret this decision? - Stacy
Dear Stacy: By ending this relationship the only thing that you will regret is not having had your freedom sooner. My guess is that the man you have shared 12 years of your life with is living a double life. Up to now he has had you exactly where he wants you while he has the freedom to come and go as he chooses. It is now up to you to decide whether you can continue to live like this the rest of your life. If he had his choice it would be to stay like this forever, no matter what future promises he makes.
My definition of true love is, "When someone else's happiness and well-being is just as important as your own." The fact that you have already told him how unhappy his behavior makes you feel, means that he either doesn't take you seriously or he doesn't care. Either way it doesn't sound like he has you or the children's best interests at heart.
You can't control what he does. You have never been able to do that and you will never be able to do that in the future. The only one you have control over is yourself. You are the one who controls the kind of life you want in the future. You deserve to have a good man who treats you with kindness and respect. The better you feel about yourself, the
more you would demand that from your mate. So, from this day forward, make yourself a promise. Set some new goals for yourself and make a plan to achieve them. What would you like to do with your life? Every night before you fall asleep, picture the kind of life you want. I can tell you that education is the way to get whatever you want. Read inspirational stories of men and women who followed their dreams. One of the reasons I encourage you to take classes is to meet other people who have goals and dreams and are doing something positive. As you elevate yourself, the people that you attract into your life will be so much better, both men and women.
I know it's hard to make changes in your life when you have 3 children and 1 has special needs. That's why you need to take baby steps toward claiming your independence. Try to make a plan to get yourself completely self-sufficient. Being a "slave" the rest of your life is to live a condemned life. Your children will suffer with a mother who is unhappy
and an absentee father who goes and comes as he pleases. I know you are confused right now but here is a saying that has served me well, "Out of confusion comes enlightenment." - Dr. Ellen
To solve your marriage problems without marriage counseling, visit Dr. Ellen's marriage counseling home page
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