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Relationship Counseling: I have to do all the pursuing
Dear Dr. Ellen: I have been divorced for over nine years and finally found someone that I really like. We have been dating for about nine months but I have discovered some problems, and I don't know how to address them. She never calls me. I always have to call her and we only see each other once a week. Lately I have been trying to see her more often and I feel that she is resisting me. It seems like she can't talk to me about her feelings and that really bothers me. I want her to share more of her life with me. I want to know when she is having a bad day. I want to know what I have to do to get us closer together but she won't open up. I know she didn't grow up in a warm, loving environment and that is why I'm always the one who has to give her hugs and kisses. I would really like her to be the affectionate one once in a while. She isn't shy to say the least and that is why I can't figure that out. I don't want to break up with her because I love her very much. I would appreciate any help and ideas that you could provide. Thank you for your time. - Chad
Dear Chad: First of all, 9 months is not a long time to be in a relationship. She may have many different interests, lots of responsibilities or a heavy work schedule. Seeing you once a week may be all that she can handle right now. I don't think it matters who does the calling as long as she is receptive to your call and she is glad to hear from you. I don't think it matters who initiates the hugs and kisses as long as she responds to you. She may not be shy but she may be old fashioned and feel uncomfortable making the first move. As for sharing her feelings, she may be a person who is not comfortable doing that. As time goes by and she learns to trust you more and more she may open up. If she is a woman who likes her space, you cannot smother her. She will definitely pull away. Eventually you'll learn that a long-term relationship is like a seesaw. The more one person does, the less the other person has to do. If you call, she doesn't have to. If
you always initiate hugs and kisses she doesn't have to. If you provide all the romance, she doesn't have to. So maybe it's time for you to think about doing less and maybe she'll decide to do more. If you want to pick one thing so that you don't overwhelm her, that's fine. Perhaps you could start with, "The next time we see each other I'd like you to give me a hug." Be playful and not demanding. If she hugs you then let her know how nice it felt. If you sense that she just doesn't want to see you more than once a week then back
off for now. Whatever you do, don't come across as needy or dependent. For most women, that is a big turn off. You want her to care about you and not pity you. Always remember this, "Whatever we can have anytime, any place, never has as much value
as something we have to work for." If you feel you are doing all the work in the relationship then ask her to attempt a baby step towards some shared responsibility. If she is not willing to do that then maybe it is time for her to see what life is like without a wonderful guy like you. Often, we don't appreciate what we have until it is gone. - Dr. Ellen
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