| |
Relationship Problems Solved Using Dr. Ellen's Programs. Over 1 Million Sold. As Seen On Oprah, Montel, Sally, The View. Solving Marital Problems Guaranteed Or Your Money Back!
Relationship Counseling: I keep dating men who are emotionally unavailable
Dr. Ellen: I have been divorced for seven years now and find dating like a battlefield. It seems since my divorce, the relationships I have had were with men who were not ready for one. They had all gotten out of relationships within 6 months to a year where it seems the other person cheated on them. The first thing I would ask them is if they were emotionally available and if they were looking for a relationship with possibilities of a future. The answer was always, yes. However, about four to six months into it, I would get the inevitable, "I am not ready for this." Each one seemed to tell me I was a wonderful woman and they could see themselves falling for me but they were not ready. With two of these men, the woman after me was the one they chose to get serious with. How do you know what time difference is for being a rebound or being a girlfriend? I am aware of the pattern I created and have taken some time away from relationships to get clear on what I want and how to break the cycle. I also welcome any of the reader's advice for this as well. - Carla
Dear Carla: It could take as long as 3 years to get over the fact that someone has cheated on you. Trust is the most basic and important part of a relationship. These men have been violated and hurt to their very core. If a man has been deeply hurt by a former girlfriend, it is going to take a long time to heal. There is a grieving process they must go through. It is emotionally draining when someone you love breaks up with you. But, it is far more devastating to discover that the person you love is lying and cheating. It takes even longer to get over that.
It's so easy to feel close to a man who is revealing his innermost thoughts and is really listening and responding to you. But you can't mistake his loneliness, confusion or
turmoil for love. If you are looking to help him heal by providing him with compassion, understanding and companionship for quite a while, then it's a good match. If you are looking for love and commitment, I suggest you move on and find someone else.
The next piece of advice would be to realize that you may be ruining your future with a man who just enjoys your company for the moment and isn't thinking about your future together and resents being forced to think about it. Here is where the saying, "Patience is a virtue," applies. The one who is ready for a committed relationship or marriage has to wait for the other to catch up. You can not expect someone to go from point A to Z when they are only at point B in their life.
It has never made any sense to me to ask someone that you have just begun dating, whether they are looking for a committed relationship. What man would say, "No, I just
want to fool around with you." Four to six months is much too little time for most people (there are always exceptions) to know if they want to spend the rest of their lives with you. The purpose of dating is discovery. It is to find out whether you are compatible and there is chemistry. Some people may know immediately that they have met their soul mate. For others, it takes a long time before they feel sparks flying. If you seem anxious for a commitment so early into the relationship, you may be coming across as needy and desperate. Those are not traits men find attractive.
It took my daughter's boyfriend (who is now her husband), one year just to say he loved her and 3 more years to ask her to marry him. Had she rushed or pressured him in any
way, to tell her he loved her or was committed to her before he was ready, she would have lost the man she would eventually marry. It may be a battlefield out there but I know that your knight in shining armor is waiting for you to find him. - Dr. Ellen
To solve your marriage problems without marriage counseling, visit Dr. Ellen's marriage counseling home page
| |
