Dear Dr. Ellen: When I was 20 I was proposed to by my husband (we've now
been married 25 years). During that time, my parents were having a
horrible time together and there was always tension in the home. My
father wasn't faithful to my mother, and yet he was extremely
charismatic, a real "people person" and had a great sense of humor. He
was his best self in public but behind closed doors he was verbally
abusive to my sweet mother. She was never good enough for him. They are
now divorced.
At 20, I was not really "in love" although I loved "Don." He was and is,
the complete opposite of my own father. He is kind, loyal, 100% honest
in all of his dealings, humble, and all 6 of our children absolutely
adore him. He couldn't be a better father. He is deeply spiritual,
although he is more on the serious side. We don't really laugh much
together.
The fact that we didn't laugh much bothered me when we were engaged. I
have always felt that laughter is very important. But when I was engaged
I felt foolish for thinking that was important. But I soon found myself
actually NEEDING to laugh in many situations and I really wish Don and I
could. I'm not sure how to develop this wonderful quality with him, but
when I get together with my siblings and friends, sometimes we laugh so
hard it almost hurts!
Going back to my reason for writing--the night before our wedding, I had
serious doubts. I knew deep inside that I was marrying "Don" for safety.
I knew he would never leave me or cheat on me, as my own father had
done. I knew it wasn't a good reason to marry though, and I felt
overwhelmingly scared. I was so nervous and sick that I just laid down
on my bed and wanted to cry. I didn't feel I could get out of it at that
point...just a few hours before our big wedding. After all, I did love
Don. He has such a good heart.
However, my soul mate was across the ocean on a mission for our church.
He would return in 18 months. This was the man who I loved all
throughout high school and college, the man who made me laugh and whom I
greatly admired. He wrote his first motivational book when we were best
friends (he was only 18) and he wrote such a beautiful chapter about me.
We sang together for assemblies as student body officers. We talked
until 3 AM about our dreams and goals in life. We had never even kissed,
but we were the very best of friends. "Richard" was just like my father
in the way that he could connect with people, and yet there was
something inside that scared me about that. Would he be faithful? I
wanted to wait until Richard returned home. But I didn't. I felt pushed
by my father to marry Don and the little girl inside of me still wanted
to please him. My mother adored him too and told me he was a "gift to me
from God." But I was actually immobilized on the bed all night. I
married Don the next morning, bright and early. Everyone was so happy
for us. But I couldn't stop thinking about Richard.
I live in California now, but I have bumped into Richard twice in our
hometown of Nevada in 25 years. He has written many books and he gives
motivational speeches around the country to teenagers. Richard is
financially independent and very happily married. He is a super hero to
my kids, as they have been to church camps where he has been one of the
speakers and he is just so ALIVE with joy and energy and love! He and
his wife have tons of friends all around the world because of his
travels and involvement with teenagers and reaching out to people.
Richard and I have a special friendship that says, "We're both happily
married with great kids and I love you as a friend." The second time I
saw Richard I was with some of my kids. He told us that he had always
hoped to marry me, and that on the eve of my wedding, he was on his
knees, across the ocean, praying that I would make the right decision.
He told our children that he was so glad that we both were happy and
ended up with such great companions. He truly is happy. I love his wife.
They both just radiate joy.
I guess it's a hard, cold fact that I indeed may have made a mistake at
my young age and there is simply nothing I can do at this point. I miss
Richard. I find myself thinking about him when I am driving alone or
cleaning the house and I begin to feel very lonely. I know it is WRONG.
I feel I am betraying my husband merely by thinking this way. I do
exercises to snap myself out of this way of thinking. But Don and I have
really struggled to make our marriage work. It hasn't come very
naturally. He is 10 years older than me and quite set in his ways
although he is truly a nice person. I just miss the laughter, the
spontaneity, the compete feeling of not having to TRY SO HARD every day.
Why should marriage feel like a long dry marathon instead of a dance?
I am grateful that I have wonderful children and a nice husband. But
with all my heart I would love to feel like a soul mate to my husband
and have it come as easily as it did with Richard. I have recently read
"I love you Ronnie" by Nancy Reagan and I cried the whole way through.
What a dream to have a love like that.
Dr. Ellen, is it too late for me? Or is it truly possible to have a love
with Don as wonderful as it would have been with Richard? My husband is
not a "people person" and doesn't like it when we have socials at our
home. He is a very busy lawyer and just wants to be able to unwind when
he gets home. I truly understand how he feels. But I have always wanted
to "make a difference" as a connected husband and wife in the lives of
others.
I know I cannot try and change Don's personality. That's not fair. I
made a decision 25 years ago and now I must and will live with it. I'm
just so sad sometimes. My sisters all married outgoing men with a great
sense of humor and it's so neat to see their love just shining through
so naturally to each other. For Don and I it many times feels like an
effort or a "performance."
I can't go back in time. What would you do if you were me? Honestly, I
really want to solve this once and for all. I do want Don and I to be
truly happy soul mates. I want to be able to laugh things off that we
normally fight about, and I would like to be able to reach out to others
and make a difference as well. My heart aches for true love. (And I'm
done with thinking about Richard...it hurts too much!) - Charlene
Dear Charlene: I don't think you made a mistake. I think you married the
man you were supposed to marry. I know a few motivational speakers and I
can tell you with absolute certainty that every one of them love being
the center of attention and life does revolve around them. They are
extremely egotistical. You may not think so, but he had no business
telling your children that he hoped to marry you and that on the eve of
your wedding, he was on his knees, across the ocean, praying that you
would make the right decision. That was poor judgment on his part, as
far as I am concerned. I don't think he's told his children that and
your children certainly didn't need to hear that either.
I know that you have created a fantasy of what your life could have been
like, living with this man instead of your husband. But, that's all it
is, a fantasy to make up for what is lacking in your own marriage. You
have been telling this "lost love" story to yourself, over and over, for
so long, that you honestly believe it. The truth was that even at 20,
you knew deep down that this man had the potential to hurt and
disappoint you. I didn't hear you say that he proposed marriage to you.
He just didn't want you to get married to someone else. If he had been
your knight in shinning armor and soul mate, he would have written or
called and said, "Please don't get married, because I love you and want
to marry you when I return. I don't think you would have married your
husband if you had known that Richard was serious about having a future
with you.
You asked me if it is truly possible to have a love with Don as
wonderful as it would have been with Richard? I don't think your life
with Richard would have been that wonderful. The price you would have
paid would have been too high. The connection and laughter would have
had to fit into his schedule. When a man has worked hard to become, as
you put it "financially independent" and has "friends all around the
world because of his travels," his wife and children have had to make
quite a few sacrifices. Behind their smiles and seemingly perfect life,
is a lot of disappointment and hurt because of all the family events and
celebrations he wasn't able to attend. If you asked his wife which she
preferred, I'm sure she would have chosen a husband who came home to
unwind every night and was there every weekend. If you asked his
children, whom they preferred, a successful dad who travels around the
world, or a dad who is in the next room and attending every soccer game,
I think you know what their answer would be.
There is not a doubt in my mind that if something happened to Don and
you had a second chance with Richard, later in your life, you would
finally see that this wonderful husband with the big heart, who the kids
adore, has really been the love of your life all along. - Dr. Ellen
