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Couples Counseling: I want a good relationship with his children
Dear Dr. Ellen: I have been getting to know a wonderful man for the past 6 months. He is a young widower (his wife died after a couple of years being sick with cancer) with four children ages 14 1/2, 13, 9 and 7. This man is a good, solid Catholic (which is very important to me) and has a solid and honorable character. He's an officer in the Air Force and though he is very busy with his kids and work , etc, he finds time for me as well. Here's where I need the advice. As I get to know his children (we have yet to meet, because until he and I are sure that we're through the discerning stage and committed, they don't need to meet me and have their world upset), how can I honor the memory of their mother and give them the love that they need and I have to give, but still form a bond with them that can make us a family? This seems tricky to me. No one can, or
should try to take the place of their mother, but, if I marry this man, I want to be part of the family and have additional children (he and I have discussed this and we're both open to children). Can you advise me, please? I want a wonderful, loving relationship, but I want to care for these children's hearts at the same time. They have had tragedy and they don't need more. Thank you in advance for your help. - Samantha
Dear Samantha: I can tell from what you wrote to me that you will be a wonderful wife and a caring mother. I am touched that you care so much about the welfare of these children. Very often I receive emails from people who are jealous of the children and the
obligations that go along with raising them. You already know in your heart that you should honor the memory of their mother and yet give them the love that they need. You can do that by asking them questions about their mom. For example, "What do you
remember most about your mom?" or "What would your mom have said or done in this situation?" Ask to see pictures. The 13 and 14 year-old will have the most difficult time accepting a new woman in their dad's life. It will take them time to get comfortable with
you no matter how good your intentions are. I believe that if you show a genuine interest in what they are doing in school and their extra curricular activities, (Ask them if it would be okay to come to their games or events and give them lots of praise) they will eventually warm up to you. Act as if you are a close friend of this man and want to get to know his children. Spend quality time with each one individually by taking them out to either, breakfast, lunch or dinner. Tell them how you met their dad and that you don't want to change the relationship they have with him. Most children worry that they will
lose the love of the only parent they have left. If they understand that you would never let that happen, then you are not a threat to them and they will not be as guarded. Let them also know that no one could ever take the place of their mother and you just want to be a really good friend. Too many people want to be called "mom" or "dad" too early, before a child feels close to them. I feel that you have terrific instincts and you should trust yourself that when the time is right you'll know what to say. If you show genuine interest in their past and respect their present, you will have no problem being part of their future. - Dr. Ellen
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