Dear Dr. Ellen: Please tell me how I make myself more and more desirable
to win my husband back. He has to give me the chance to prove to him
that I have changed. We've not been husband and wife now for almost
eight months and separated a total of almost 3 years. I love him more
than he can ever imagine. I know he will want me again if he will only
open his heart. How do I do that? I know I can. I've made so many
wonderful changes in myself and continue to do so! But this loneliness
without him gets worse and worse. No one else will, or can ever take his
place or even be close to what he is. So, even if I was with someone
else, the loneliness and missing him and everything about him would make
no difference. - Sally
Dear Sally: Unfortunately, you have been separated and not lived as
husband and wife for a long time. It is easy to live in the past and be
in love with the memories you have had together. It is even easier to
live in the future and picture your life as it used to be when you were
happy together. The problem is that the PRESENT, which hasn't existed
for quite some time, doesn't exist. While you are thinking and dreaming
about him, your husband has probably gone on to make a new life for
himself. Here is the impossible to answer question I always get asked.
How can I make someone love me again if he won't talk to me or see me?
The answer is, of course, that it is impossible to show him the changes
you have made if he will not talk to you or see you. I am going to
assume that you have tried and he hasn't responded. There is no way to
force someone's heart to open. I am a great believer that if a
relationship is "meant to be" then in time the two of you will get back
together. The problem for you is, "How do you fill your time until he
comes to the realization that you are the love of his life?" You can't
speed up the time for him to realize that you are the best thing that
ever happened to him. He may have to experience life without you for the
next two, five or even ten years before that happens. In the meantime,
continue working on yourself. Keep growing, changing and becoming the
best woman you can be, not to get him back, but for your own personal
fulfillment. Continue learning from your past mistakes and make wiser
decisions and choices in the future.
I always find it amazing that so many couples who are unable to have
children finally adopt and then miraculously get pregnant. Once they
relax and put their energy and focus into other areas, they wind up with
what they couldn't have. I find it is exactly the same for women/men who
finally stop waiting for a boyfriend/girlfriend or a husband/wife to
come back into their lives. As soon as they fall in love again or pursue
a career and stop thinking about the past and are very involved in their
current life, the phone rings and there he/she is again. The
boyfriend/girlfriend who left, or husband/wife who had an affair, wants
to start over again. It seems that when you are busy doing other things
and involved in living your life, the very thing that you kept hoping
for, magically occurs. Anyone waiting for a phone call knows that as
soon as they leave for a second, the phone rings. When you just sit and
wait for that phone to ring it never does. So my advice is to get on
with your life as if he is never coming back. If he doesn't come back,
at least you haven't wasted your life waiting for him. If he does come
back, you will have gained valuable life experiences during that time
that should help you in the future. - Dr. Ellen
