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Relationship Counseling: I worry about my son's safety
Dear Dr. Ellen: My son will be 16 years old in a month and desperately wants to drive. He is a responsible young man who I'm sure would be a good driver but I keep giving him reasons why he should wait. I tell him that he's too young, that he has plenty of time for driving, that it's too expensive, etc. He comes back with good arguments like all his friends were allowed to drive when they turned 16; that his part-time job will pay for gas
and that he'll do any chores we want him to do to earn extra money to pay for all his expenses. We can afford to get him a car but the bottom line is that I really worry that he'll get into an accident and be hurt seriously or he might even get killed. I know it's stupid but I worry all the time about him. He's our only child and we love him dearly. What should I do? - Margie
Dear Margie: You obviously love your son very much and you don't want him to get hurt, but he is growing up and eventually will be an adult and on his own. This is just
one step in the process of becoming a man. My guess is that you are a worrier, by nature. Let me spend a few minutes talking about worry. Worry is the feeling that something bad is going to happen in the future. Worrying doesn't change anything. The thoughts just keep you upset and unhappy. They are feelings, not facts. As I see it, worry is nothing more than a picture of the future that you don't want to happen. Suppose your worst nightmare were to become a reality and your son did get into an accident. That means that you would have to go through it twice; once in your imagination as you worry about it, and again when it occurs. The truth is that most of what we worry about never happens.
In Julius Caesar, Shakespeare wrote:
Cowards die many times before their deaths;
The valiant never taste of death but once.
You need to fight your negative thoughts. When a negative thought pops into your head about the future, fight back and change the picture to something positive. Here are some examples of what I mean.
You're up for a promotion, but you're worried that your colleague will get the promotion instead of you. Imagine yourself jumping for joy as your boss congratulates you on your promotion.
Your entire family is traveling long distances to spend Thanksgiving with you. You're worried that the turkey will be dry and the gravy will be lumpy. Visualize everyone sitting at the table enjoying the feast you prepared and raving about the delicious, moist turkey.
And finally, picture you son running into the house, giving you a big hug and telling you he just passed his driving test and that you are the greatest mom in the world for having the confidence in him and letting him get his license. Don't be a coward by dying a thousand deaths. Be a hero to your mate, your children, and yourself by relinquishing worry for a positive outlook. - Dr. Ellen
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