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Relationship Counseling: I'm competing with my boyfriend's daughter
Dear Dr. Ellen: I really do love my boyfriend, but I am unsure of staying in this relationship. He has a nine (9) year old daughter and an ex-girlfriend he has to deal with. I understand that the mother should be involved in the child's life, but his ex-girlfriend is very dependent on him for things and he has a hard time saying no.
He always tells me that he doesn't want to make waves because right now he pays child support every week, and she could take him to court and get more. He also says that when she's happy, his daughter is happy. His daughter is very jealous. If the three of us are together and he tells me he loves me, she responds with "but he loves me more." If she's walking ahead of us and he's holding my hand she runs back and holds his hand.
If we are sitting on the couch watching TV and he is touching me then she jumps on him. She doesn't say hello or good-bye to me unless he tells her to. Every time we talk about this, his response is "she's only 9 years old."
Lately he has stopped touching me or holding my hand when his daughter is around. I tried to talk to him about this and his response was, "I don't see her that often and I want to make her feel loved." We have talked about getting married and I know he has put money down on a ring for me. I am very confused right now. I am having trouble deciding between what my head or my heart says. I love this guy a lot and would marry him tomorrow if it weren't for the extra baggage he has. I'm not sure if I can deal with this for the rest of my life. - Kathryn
Dear Kathryn: I'm sure that your boyfriend loves you if he's talking marriage. After all, he had a child with his ex-girlfriend and he didn't marry her. You mentioned the ongoing battle between your heart and head. Well, your heart is right! This relationship, like every relationship, is going to take a tremendous amount of work.
Your boyfriend has an obligation to his daughter to be a role model and make her feel loved. He will, for the rest of your lives together, have a relationship with his ex because she is the mother of his child.
Once you have your own child, you will completely understand that the feelings you have for a child are completely different than the ones you have for your mate. We all have the capacity to love many people in many different ways. For example, you love your parents differently than you love your boyfriend. He's right, his daughter is only 9 years old and needs to feel his love. After all, from her point of view, you are a threat and she wants her mommy and daddy to be together. You have to become this little girl's friend by also assuring her and saying the following things:
"Your daddy does love you more than anything else in the whole world. You are so special to me. You have a mommy who loves you and a daddy who loves you and I want to be your special friend." This way you become so much less threatening to her. I also agree with your boyfriend that while his daughter is with him, he needs to focus on her. If
he's going to hold your hand, he needs to hold hers as well. If he's going to give you a hug, he needs to hug her also. This insecurity of hers will not last forever, once she is feeling safe and loved. Eventually she'll be dating and her dad won't be the center of her universe but she really does need him now. If you make him choose between the two of you, you'll lose.
You said you would marry him if it weren't for his extra baggage. Well I don't know anyone who doesn't come with baggage. What if he had a terminally ill mom and he had to give her his time and attention? What if he had a sister or brother that he had to support because his parents weren't alive? I could go on and on but I'm sure you see my point. If I were you, I'd let your boyfriend know how special he is for wanting to be a good dad and a responsible person to his ex. He has to do a juggling act and try to make everyone happy.
If you aren't more supportive to his situation, eventually, it will become too much for him and you won't have any dilemma because he will be gone. - Dr. Ellen.
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