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Relationship Counseling: I'm pregnant, he wants to marry me
Dear Dr. Ellen: I just found out I am 5 weeks pregnant. My boyfriend of two years and I are both ecstatic. Although it wasn't "planned" it is welcome. He has mentioned that he wants to get married before the baby comes along, to legitimize the birth. I feel like that
is the wrong circumstance to get married under. It is not an affirmation to me that he wants to be with me, and clearly the child will be able to do the math. What are your thoughts on this age old shotgun wedding? - Suzie
Dear Suzie: Your child will do the math when he's old enough, no matter what. I feel that if given the choice, your child would prefer to know that he or she was conceived out of love and his or her pending birth caused you to get married rather than because of his
pending birth, you decided to hold off getting married. That would be so much more confusing and upsetting.
I personally know a couple from India who had an arranged marriage. They did not know each other at all in the beginning and their love for each other today is stronger than probably any couple I know. We can all learn something from them. They view love differently than in our culture. They look at love as an ongoing process. In fact, I never forgot that they said that they don't like to refer to themselves as human beings, because "being" implies stagnation. They think of themselves as human "becomings." The husband said to me, "It's an ongoing process, always learning, always growing, always increasing our love for one another as we get to know one another." I thought about how wise and beautiful that message was. So many more marriages last here in the U.S. when two people start out as friends and then become lovers. You and your future child are lucky to have a man who loves you both enough to want to commit the rest of his life to you. Believe me, there are many men who choose to run when they are faced with the responsibility of a child. Maybe you didn't hear the exact words you wanted to hear, but his intention is honorable and there is something to be said for honor, character, commitment and responsibility. With those wonderful traits and 2 years of experiences together, you can create a lifetime of love and a stable environment for your child. - Dr. Ellen
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