Dear Dr. Ellen: I'm married and have two boys ages 11 and 12 who both
have A.D.D. I work three, 12 hr. night shifts. I work nights in order to
try to be home for my children on their return from school so I can help
them with their homework which they really need. My husband works during
the day so one parent is always home in an effort to try to keep
consistency with the boy's schedule. My dilemma is this. I'm feeling
squeezed because of my parent's situation. I am an only child. My dad
has been very sick for 7 years with Alzheimer's. I have made every
effort to try to be there for my mother throughout these years. The more
I do for her the more she demands. I was spending more time with my
parents than my own family. I then began to feel that I was not good at
anything. When I was with my parents I was riddled with guilt that I was
not with my children and visa versa. My mom has the finances to care for
my dad and I helped setup full-time help in her home and also helped her
with renovating their home for handicap access so my dad could be cared
for at home. My mother will not let my dad go to a nursing home for care
and insists on taking care of him. It's great that she wants to do this
but I live an hour away and can't be there all the time. My dad is
getting good care and I have tried to get my mom into a support group
but she refuses to go. She expects me to help more. I cannot give
anymore than I am right now. I stopped going over there 3 to 4 times a
week and now go once or twice a week. Recently my aunt told me in
confidence that after my father dies my mother is planning to write me
off. I was very hurt and being around my mom is like walking on egg
shells. You have to watch what you say or there is an explosion. I don't
call her anymore because all she does is yell at me and hangs up. I feel
sorry for her but I have a family to raise and need to be there for
them. I just wish I could do it guilt-free and not constantly feel torn.
I feel such a weight on my shoulders and I feel like I'm drowning. I
wake up in the middle of the night with constant worry. I wish I could
find some peace of mind. Am I wrong with how I'm handling this
situation? - Jackie
Dear Jackie: You are in a very difficult situation but I'd rather you
feel guilty than neglect your own children and destroy your marriage.
Your mom is feeling the strain of making the decision to take care of
your father at home all these years. Asking you to alleviate this burden
by spending all your free time with her is not fair to you or your
family.
Caring for someone with Alzheimer's has to be one of the most difficult
things to do but it had been her decision to care for your dad at home.
I honor that. She also has the right to decide that she doesn't want to
go to a support group. What she doesn't have the right to do is demand
that you give up what little time you have with your family to be her
caretaker and be the one who gives her all the emotional support she
craves.
You sound like a very loving and nurturing woman and your mom is very
lucky to have you in her life. She should be praising you every chance
she gets. There is nothing more frustrating and hurtful than being
unappreciated and always thinking, "No matter what I do, it's never
enough!" Since that will always be the case, you are the one who has to
set the boundaries and decide what you can and can't do. Remember, no
matter what you decide it will not be enough for your mom.
Sit down with your mom and tell her how hurt you are over what your aunt
said. Let her know how much you love her; that you are doing the best
you can, and you are sorry that she feels it's not enough. I believe
that as our parents get older and can no longer take care of themselves,
it is our responsibility to make sound decisions on their behalf and
make sure that they are taken care of to the best of our ability. That
means we have to take a good look at out own financial status, our own
time restraints, our own health and our own family commitments. Given
all that, I can't imagine living a life free of guilt. - Dr. Ellen
