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Relationship Counseling: In love with a man who is still grieving
Dear Dr. Ellen: After 6 months, I have fallen deeply in love with a man whose wife died 2 years ago from a brain tumor. He has two small children to raise and is a great father. I know he cares for me but still has not said, "I love you" and is very non-committal about
a future together. Whenever I talk about the future I can feel his uneasiness and his wanting to change the subject. Do you think I should hang on or am I just kidding myself to think that I could have a future with this man? - Betsy
Dear Betsy: It sounds like you are just going to have to take things very slowly with this man. It has been only 2 years since his wife died of a brain tumor. I have been involved with the cancer community for quite some time. It is absolutely devastating to watch a loved one die of cancer or any disease. I am sure he loved his wife and I can't imagine the pain he must have felt with her dying and leaving him with 2 small children to raise. A
divorce is completely different than a death. One is a choice and the other is not. I am sure, that although he may not talk about it, he still thinks about his wife and is deeply hurt by the loss he feels. That is why he is half-interested and not a good candidate for marriage at this time.
I think what he needs from you right now is friendship, compassion and tenderness. In time, he may fall in love with you but you can't mistake loneliness, pain and confusion for love. I'm sure when you are together he enjoys being with you. But left alone, he is still grieving and dealing with the memory of his wife. There are so many emotions he feels and the guilt of falling in love again may be one of them.
You should live in the present and enjoy yourself with him. However, if you begin to act needy or desperate, it will be a turn off to him. If you looking for more time and commitment, this is not the man who will give it to you right now. If you can be patient, light-hearted and not demanding, you may become so much a part of his life that he won't be able to live without you. It is your call whether you want to wait. It could easily take him 5 years to get over her death. I know it's not what you want to hear and I could be wrong, but my experience tells me that time is the only thing that heals all wounds. Good luck and remember the saying, "Patience is a virtue." - Dr. Ellen
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