Dear Dr. Ellen: My husband and I have been together 8 yrs. We have been
married 2 of those 8 yrs. We have known each other for about 20 yrs. His
father died suddenly about 4 months ago. His sisters and his step-mom
agreed to sign everything over to him. We have another house that is in
my name from before we started living together. He has decided that he
doesn't want to be married anymore. But still wants us to live together.
He said that he's controlling things now and it's his way or the
highway. I love this man and I had planned on spending the rest of my
life with him. I just don't understand what he thinks will be different
if we are not married. I don't want to take steps backward. I want our
future to go forward. He said that I'm the one who is throwing this
away. I told him, he gave me no choice. I don't want to go back to
living together but not married. Should I give his way a chance or
accept the fact that we won't be together anymore? - Patty
Dear Patty: Most women who write to me seem to underestimate their value
in the relationship. You have been part of his daily life for 8 years.
You are going to have to take the chance that you mean more to him than
he even he realizes, and if not, then it's time to take the highway. How
happy and joyful do you think you will be if he files for divorce and
you continue to live together? My guess is that you will become cold,
distant and unresponsive as soon as that happens. We all have an inner
guide that tells us what to do. I know yours is telling you that his new
arrangement won't work. You need to follow your guide and not his. All
of a sudden he wants to be a free man? I don't think so. I think he
knows that if he just asks for a divorce without giving you any hope of
staying together, you may go after his newly acquired assets. If he
banks on you being the weak, "whatever you say dear" type of woman,
he'll have the freedom to see other women, go anywhere he chooses
without answering to you, and keep all his assets to himself. You are
going to have to take a very deep breath and do what your heart tells
you to do. I know you think you can't live without him, but what you
don't know at this point is that he probably can't live without you as
well. You both stood at the alter and vowed to stay married, "till death
do you part" and for him to break that vow means he does not want to
spend the rest of his life with you as husband and wife. He wants to
spend just enough time and give you just enough hope so that you don't
cost him anything in a divorce settlement. My advice is to go to a
lawyer immediately and see what you are entitled to receive. I think you
will see that he is asking you to agree to a very one-sided arrangement
where he has only his own best interests at heart. - Dr. Ellen
