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My boyfriend won't commit
Dear Dr. Ellen - I have been seeing my boyfriend now for almost 3 years. He is in the last year of law school and I thought that we would get married after he graduates. He says that he loves me and definitely wants to get married but not until he establishes his career. I don't want to waste my life thinking that we will get married when it's not going to happen. What should I do? - Sherry
Dear Sherry - When both people are at different stages in their life; for example: one is going to school and the other has already graduated or one is building their career and the other isn't focused on that or one is ready for a committed relationship and the other isn't, there has to be respect for each other's goals and where they are in their lives. Here is where the saying, "Patience is a virtue," applies. The one who is ready for a committed relationship or marriage has to wait for the other to catch up. You cannot force someone to go from point A to Z when they are only at point B in their life.
Yes, I think you should talk about how you both feel and hear what he has to say. If he isn't ready to commit it's important to listen to the reason he is giving. There's a big difference between someone saying, "I don't feel ready and someone saying, "You are not the person I want to spend my life with." In that case, get out!! Many times a person tells the truth but their mate doesn't want to hear it. In the case where one person feels they aren't ready, the one who is has to slow down. The slower one has to set the pace for the relationship. If you force someone to speed up, they will only resent you in the long run and the relationship will end. If you want to spend the rest of your life with this man, then you should slow down and go at his pace. I know someone whose boyfriend took one year just to say he loved her. They are now married and had their first baby. Had she rushed him or demanded that he tell her he loved her before he was ready, she would have lost the man that she eventually married.
While you are waiting for him to commit for the long haul, you may want to purchase my audio cassette program, "Light His Fire." Once you begin doing and saying what I suggest in tape #2, "Admiration and Appreciation," he won't know what hit him! - Dr. Ellen
To solve your marriage problems or relationship problems without marriage counseling, visit Dr. Ellen's home page at www.lightyourfire.com
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