Main

In a committed relationship, the decisions you and your mate make will guide your life together. Whether it's deciding to buy a house, have a baby, or change careers, your decisions will affect the dynamics of your marriage. If you make your decisions based on fear, your marriage will be haunted by insecurities, anxiety, and negative energy. If you make your decisions based on love, your marriage will be touched by nothing but warmth, confidence, and trust. A couple with those emotions will never wind up in marriage counseling.

If you experience difficulty making a particular decision, there is probably some kind of fear involved. To make the best decision possible, use the following steps. First, ask yourself, "What am I afraid of?" It could be fear of losing money, fear that you can't make it on your own, fear that you won't succeed, fear that you'll disappoint someone else, fear that you won't be loved anymore, or fear of losing someone you love. So first, I really want you to face what you are afraid of.

Next, I want you to ask yourself, "If I were coming from a loving place deep inside me, where I knew I was completely safe, that my instincts were trustworthy and my motives were pure, how would I react and what would I say or do?" The answer to this question is sometimes very different than what you would normally do or say. You may be attending individual or couples marriage counseling and the counselor has encouraged you to do whatever makes you happy. The problem with that advice is that once you think about your choices, you realize that there are good and bad consequences no matter what decision you make. So, many times neither decision will make you happy. Sometimes it comes down to which will make you feel "less worse."

I've helped many people make difficult decisions in their life. One of them was Monica, who attended one of my lectures very distraught. She told me that her husband had come home from work a few days ago and had proudly announced that his company was doubling his salary, making him vice president of a new bank, and was moving his family from California to Arizona.

Monica said that all she could think about was how lonely she would be if she had to leave her friends and family behind. She couldn't imagine coping with her nine-month-old baby without the help of her mother. She knew no one in Arizona and didn't make friends easily. She had cried all that night, and in the morning she had told Peter she didn't want to go. Peter left for work that morning without kissing her goodbye for the first time in their marriage. Monica set up an appointment for marriage counseling with a therapist that was recommended by one of her friends.

The counselor told her husband that he had to think about someone other than himself now that he had a wife and baby and he had to take Monica's feelings into consideration. Then she told Monica that there would be no point in making this move if she was going to be miserable. It would only be a matter of time before she would come home as a single mom!

So, you can imagine the state Monica was in when she came to see me. They were no closer to making a decision after their marriage counseling session.

I asked Monica to picture the worst-case scenario, including all of her fears. She did a pretty good job of it. She pictured herself crying every day as she sat by herself in her lonely house with the baby screaming. She felt isolated, depressed, and angry.

I simply asked her if her thoughts were supportive and coming from a loving place. She said, "No, and they are making me miserable."

I asked her to pretend that she was coming from a loving place, a place where she was safe and secure and all of her thoughts were supportive. Then I asked her what she would do or say if that's how she felt. She looked at me as if I were crazy and said, "But I don't feel safe and secure. I'm scared."

I said, "I know that, but if you were coming from a loving place instead of a fearful place, what would you do? Just for a moment, pretend."

Monica said, "Well, if I felt safe and secure, then I would be excited about going. I would tell my husband how proud I am of him and what a wonderful opportunity this would be for us. If I wasn't scared, I'd be excited about buying our first home because the prices are so much lower in Arizona than they are in California."

I did everything I could to convince Monica that she should make her decision from that loving place where faith prevails and not from a fearful place. I'm happy to report that Monica and Peter did move to Arizona. I received a letter letting me know that she had joined a "Mommy and Me" swim class and had made some wonderful new friends. They bought a home in a good neighborhood and a lovely retired couple who lived next door, were delighted to help out with baby-sitting.

If Monica had made her decision based on fear, she never would have stepped out of her comfort zone and experienced a new adventure, and her relationship with her husband would have been damaged, if not destroyed completely.

To live your life in a fearful state is to rob yourself of pleasure and new experiences. More importantly, when you live your life in fear, it is impossible to experience a deep connection with others, especially your mate.

When you've gotten to the point in your marriage when all you see are the negative qualities in your spouse, you run the risk that they will eventually meet someone who sees the best in them. If your spouse rarely gets a compliment from you, they are probably starving for attention. I have always said, "If you don't have a love affair with your mate, someone else will!"

What may start out as a harmless connection to someone, because they feel unnoticed and unloved, eventually turns into an emotional affair. Given enough time, the emotional affair will become a physical one.

I remember one night after class, one of my students stayed to speak with me. She was distraught because her husband had told her that he wanted to move out and file for a divorce. I asked her to tell me exactly what had happened that could have lead to this point in their marriage. She told me that her husband had worked in the corporate world but a year ago had decided to quit and go back to school to get his teaching credential.

Ann tried everything she could to convince him not to leave the business world. She ended up telling him she thought he was crazy; that he would never make enough money teaching. He went back to school in spite of Ann's protests, and in one of his classes he met a woman who was studying for the same degree as he was. This woman told him she admired him for quitting the business rat race. She pumped him up and gave him daily encouragement. They studied together, laughed together and eventually, he had fallen in love with this classmate.

Would this story have turned out differently if Ann had been supportive of her husband's decision right from the beginning when he shared his dream with her? Absolutely! If she had verbalized her faith in him and complimented him on his courage and perseverance, he wouldn't have needed someone else to make him feel good.

Once Ann learned what this woman had done and what she needed to do, she fought for her marriage with a vengeance. This woman never had a chance because Ann was armed with my information.

A letter from Judy recounted how a lack of attention and compliments from her husband almost let to the end of their marriage.

My husband was depressed because he was unhappy in his job. To make up for a dull career, he spent many evenings attending school board and city council meetings. I was definitely neglected.

I met this younger man through a friend of my daughter's. He was a college student and needed a place to stay over the summer. I offered an extra bedroom in our home. While living with us, he spent a lot of time watching me cook, decorate and garden. He couldn't say enough wonderful things about my domesticity. That whole summer, all I heard was, "You have such a green thumb", or "You have a flair for color and texture", or "You make better spaghetti sauce than my mother". He also made it clear that he was attracted to me.

Having heard these wonderful things made me realize how much I was missing in my marriage. I told my husband how I felt and I'm thankful that he was willing to listen to your CD's and make the necessary changes.

So, it's your turn to think about how your spouse feels when they are with you. Your marriage is the most precious gift you have. It deserves to be treated and protected in every way possible.

Does she remember to buy your favorite foods at the supermarket? Does he remember to put the toilet seat down? Is she especially patient with your parents? Has he gotten involved with a home improvement project? See how many wonderful things about him or her you can find that you have been taking for granted.

From now on, I want you look at your spouse in a way you may not have done for quite some time. Pay attention to his or her every move with an eye for the positive. Become your mate's biggest fan and you will affair-proof your marriage, not for those brief youthful years, but for a lifetime.

"I've been with someone else." Those words are like a wrecking ball that crashes through your life. The roller coaster ride that comes with infidelity is filled with hurt, betrayal, anger, love, threats, hope and depression. It may seem like your marriage is over... but it's not.

While you may not think so, your pain will force you to grow. Pain is our greatest teacher. Regardless of where the pain comes from, there are always lessons to be learned. Physical pain alerts you to a problem in your body that needs attention. Emotional pain does the same thing. It tells you that there is a lesson that you need to learn so you can grow stronger. It usually forces you to look inside and ultimately to stretch, grow, and gain more knowledge and understanding about yourself and your marriage.

What I have told thousands of people in your situation is, "You can use this pain to make your marriage so strong, that no one and nothing can ever come between the two of you again or you can let your pain lead to the end your marriage. If you choose the first statement, I promise that I can help you have a different marriage and the healing will begin.

What Was My Marriage Lacking

I know it's easy to blame your spouse and especially the other person involved, but it's much harder to look at yourself and ask, "Was there something lacking in me that made my spouse want to connect with another person?" Thousands of men and women, just like you, have learned how to use the pain of infidelity to make their marriages better than ever!

We were married for 8 years when I finally found out my husband was cheating. The crazy hours, nights, weekends - how could I have been so naive! I lost all respect for him and felt so violated. If it weren't for the kids and lack of finances, I would have left. Over time, we learned to tolerate each other. He was sorry for what he did but I made him pay for it everyday.

One night I fell asleep on the couch and when I woke up at 2:00 A.M. there you were on TV talking about why people have affairs. It was hard looking at myself and for the first time understanding that what I said, what I did and what I didn't do, all contributed to him finding someone else. You were right, it takes 2 people to have an affair and once I took responsibility for my part, the healing began." Shannon T. - Lexington

For over 20 years I've helped couples understand the reasons why infidelity has happened and how to prevent it from ever happening again. I have never found a case where a man or woman woke up one day and spontaneously decided to go out and have an affair. It's a decision that happens due to months or years of neglect and being taken for granted. If you use infidelity as a wake-up call, you can have a better marriage than you ever dreamed possible.

A Marriage Warning

If you don't have a love affair with your mate, someone else will! Here is an eye-opening fact that Oprah had me repeat 3 times when I was backstage on her show. It really does explain the "Why" of infidelity in a marriage.

A man falls in love because of the way he feels about himself when he is with a woman. When he doesn't feel good anymore he's going to find another woman who does make him feel good. That's what an affair is all about. It's not that he's in love with the other woman. What he's really in love with is the way he feels about himself when he's with the other woman. A woman feels the same way. Do you know how many times a woman will say to me, "Ellen, now that I'm in love, I feel beautiful, I feel sexy, I feel special and needed." We have a right to feel like that for the rest of our lives, and when we don't, we try to find someone else who will make us feel good.

I was doing a radio show in Texas and a man called up and said, "I don't believe this. I dropped a hamburger in my lap. I went to a pay phone and just had to call you up to tell you that what you're saying is so true. For three years I have been having an affair and I couldn't put into words why! My wife is pretty, she's intelligent and she's the pillar of the community. But the truth is that I feel like 'nothing' when I'm with my wife and I feel like a 'king' when I'm with this other woman."

I spoke to a woman who had been married for 9 years and started to have feelings for someone she worked with. She said, "My husband is successful, smart, good-looking but the other guy makes me feel beautiful and special."

Many people think that if they were better-looking or had more money, then things would be different. It's not about getting thinner, better looking or making more money. Some of the wealthiest people in the world are by themselves; some of the most beautiful people on earth are lonely. This is about how another human being feels about themselves when they're with you. So, it isn't about me, but how does my husband feel about himself every time he's with me. And, it isn't about my husband, but how do I feel about myself when I'm with him. If we both make each other feel so good about who we are, why would we ever want to be with anyone else?

We have the ability to make another human being feel that they are important, special, attractive, sexy, intelligent, funny, wanted and needed. That's what a loving marriage is all about and that's the lesson that needs to be learned. If you do, your spouse will never again want to be with anyone but you!

For an effective way to deal with infidelity without marriage counseling, take as much time as you need to listen to the free demos on this site. Turn your pain into determination and do everything in your power to prevent this from ever happening again.

Even though you did a search for marriage counseling, I'm going to try to convince you that no matter how far gone or hopeless you think your marriage is, marriage counseling is not the answer. "Why?" In marriage counseling, both of you will be discussing all the hurt and pain that has brought you to this point. That isn't going to make you walk out of a marriage counselor's office feeling closer and more connected. If you were in bad shape before going to marriage counseling, wait until you see how cold and distant you'll feel after marriage counseling.

The reason my programs work and are so much more effective than marriage counseling is that you don't rehash old wounds. You don't talk at all. You just listen. By listening to what I have to say, the stories I tell, and the examples I give from my own life, you'll know exactly what to say and do to feel closer and more connected. Most couples, who finally find me and have had years of marriage counseling with no results say, "All you do, week after week is rehash all the past wounds, where your program gives you a fresh start."

The truth is that you too could use a fresh start! If you don't learn how to fulfill each other's needs, then all you will have is continued disappointment and heartache.

When I saw you on Oprah, my husband and I had been in marriage counseling for 8 months. Two years before, our house went into foreclosure and we were forced into bankruptcy. I blamed my husband for his poor decisions and kept punishing him for doing this to me and the kids. The marriage counselor focused on my hostility and his inadequacies. It got us nowhere. Your program helped me focus on the exact opposite; all his good qualities and my love for him. What marriage counseling failed to do in 8 months, your program did in just a few days! Our home is now "rich" with love.

Marriage Counseling Can be Intimidating

When you attend traditional marriage counseling, it is always more difficult for one spouse than it is for the other. While one spouse finds it easy to share their whole life with a stranger, the other feels that their personal life is private. The spouse who is able to express themselves more easily is the one who has the upper hand in marriage counseling. The shy, more private person, is at a disadvantage because they are not comfortable verbalizing their feelings. With my programs, you won't be doing any talking. You will both be listening to your own, individual programs in the privacy of your home or car. Most people find it easy and convenient to listen for 15 minutes while going to and from work. When you are done, you will know why your mate fell in love with you, what went wrong, and exactly what to do and say to make it right and bring back the feelings you had when you first fell in love.

"I knew my marriage was on its last leg. My husband was cold and indifferent to me. We went to marriage counseling and he just sat there counting the minutes till it was over. Since he refused to open up to the marriage counselor, I eventually saw no point to going anymore. Before our last session, the marriage counselor gave us your programs and asked us both to listen to them. My husband was so relieved that he didn't have to go to marriage counseling anymore that he agreed to listen. I saw a change in him almost immediately and every day we got closer and closer. We just got back from Hawaii which was a second Honeymoon for us. I sent the counselor a 'Thank You' note for giving us your programs, but it is you that deserves our gratitude. Although you don't know us, we feel so connected to you and your programs have changed our lives." Penny H. - Hartford, CT

A Marriage Counseling Alternative That Works

Everyday, thousands of men and women hear, "I can't do this anymore!" As painful as those words are, they are the truth. How many times and how many ways does someone have to tell you, "What we are doing isn't working!" So, instead of attending Marriage Counseling, where you will be discussing the past, why not find an alternative to Marriage Counseling that is faster and more effective and moves you forward instead of backwards in time.

It's been my experience over the last 23 years that if your mate was in love with you in the beginning, they can feel like that again, even if you have been told by friends, family and a marriage counselor that there is no hope.

"My wife told me that she didn't love me anymore and was not sure she ever loved me and wanted a divorce. She finally agreed to go for marriage counseling and we went to a highly recommended marriage counselor in our area. He said that he wouldn't waste our time and would let us know in 3 sessions whether our marriage had a chance. After our 3rd session, this marriage counselor told us, "Once the chemistry is gone, you cannot ever get it back. My recommendation is for you the two to get a legal separation that will, in all honesty, lead to divorce." He told me that I had to accept that our marriage was over and we should live separate lives. I have no doubt that had we listened to this counselor, we would be divorced by now. Instead, we found you and realized that we had never stopped loving each other. There was just a lot of "stuff" that had gotten in the way. Your positive approach makes so much sense and it not only affected us as a couple but our children as well." Harvey W - Long Beach, N.Y.

If you would like to improve your marriage without marriage counseling, look no further because you have come to the right place. You will see how passionate I am about saving marriages. I am confident that yours will be the next success story I receive.

Recent studies show that making your mate #1 on your list of priorities not only saves your relationship. It could save your life!

Dr. Dean Ornish, noted researcher and director of the Preventive Institute in Sausalito, California, sites studies proving the healing power of love in his book, Love and Survival.

At Yale, scientists studied 119 men and 40 women who underwent a coronary angiogram to determine the degree of blockage in coronary arteries. According to their findings, patients who felt most loved and supported by their mates experienced substantially less blockage than those who felt isolated fom their partners.

At Case Western Reserve University in Cleveland, researchers studied nearly 10,000 married men with risk factors for angina, a heart condition. These men had high cholesterol, high blood pressure and EKG abnormalities ? perfect candidates for heart disease. Those who answered "yes" to the question, "Does your wife show you her love?" experienced less chest pain, almost half of those responding that their wives didn't show their love.

As Ornish states, "Although diet, blood pressure, and other risk factors play an important role in heart disease and angina, these forces can be significantly moderated by a loving relationship."

So it seems there may be truth in the saying that you can break someone's heart. All the more reason to show your mate your love ? today!

Five Reason Why Sex is Good for Your Health

If you knew about a pill that could give you more energy, fight infection, and prevent heart disease at the same time, would you take it? You probably would. How about receiving all this by engaging in more fun than popping a pill? That's right. We're talking about sex.

If you're reading this and thinking, "How can I get more energy from sex if I'm too tired to have it in the first place?" I have good news for you. The chemical your brain emits during sexual activity is the same chemical emitted whenever you hug, kiss or caress someone. So if having sexual intercourse seems like an unreachable goal at first, take baby steps.

Start by touching your mate. You've got 10 fingers, 2 hands, and 1 imagination. Use all three and you and your partner will be one step closer to feeling healthier. Whether you take baby steps toward sexual intimacy or you jump right into it, here 5 five important benefits:

Better circulation

Stronger heart

Healthier skin

Reduced stress

Stronger immune system

Through the years, I've heard many stories of couples who healed one another through their loving touch. One of the men in my class suffered from chronic sinus headaches. No amount of inhalers, decongestants, or vaporizers equaled what his girlfriend Christine could do by applying loving pressure on his head with her fingertips.

Another student told me how she looked forward every night to lying in bed next to her husband as he lightly stroked her arms. No matter what kind of day she had, she knew her stress would disappear with each loving caress she felt.

The next time you're on your way to the pharmacy for medicine to fight a cold, ask yourself when you last had sex or simply touched your mate. Who knows, increase your sexual intimacy and you might find yourself snuggling in bed with your partner more ? and driving to the drug store less!

I'm sure that your marriage could stand to have a little more fun and be a lot less serious. Often sheer playfulness will cause us to laugh harder than a funny story ever could. In my mind, playfulness includes all of those things you might have done as a kid: snowball fights, pillow fights, tag, hide-and-seek, tickling, dancing and even wrestling. Partners who can be playful with each other have a better chance of staying married than couples who aren't playful.

One of the best laughs I personally ever had was when my husband and I engaged in a round of "Big-Time Wrestling." My husband is six foot two and weighs 195 pounds. I'm five foot six and weigh 125 pounds soaking wet. So many years ago, when I told him that I was going to pin him to the floor so he couldn't get up, you can imagine his terror.

I told him he needed to play by my rules. He had to lie on his back with his arms at his sides, bent at the elbows, and palms up.

"Go for it," he said.

I sat on top of him with my knees pinning his upper arms and my hands holding down his wrists. Right off the bat, I sensed he wasn't trying that hard. So I said, "Come on, you can do better than that, you wimp!" That did it. He got serious and started to really try to lift me up. So then I got serious and tried harder to hold him down, grimacing with the strain.

When he saw the determined look on my face, he knew he was in a war. He started straining himself and that started me laughing. He let out a loud grunt, which made me laugh even harder. Then, with a burst of energy, he was able to turn me over and get on top of me. By now we were both laughing hysterically, wrapped in each other's arms, rolling on the floor.

That little wrestling match remains very vivid in my memory. Life can be so serious so much of the time. By letting go of stress and being playful, we add years to our life and memories that last forever.

I love collecting funny stories and this one was definitely a keeper. It comes from a man who took my advice seriously.

Dear Dr. Ellen,

Your program for men was just what I was looking for to get my marriage of twenty-six years out of the pits. You said you liked to collect stories, so here's how I tried to be less predictable and boring.

My wife and I had just returned from the Bay Area, where we watched sailboats and visited gift shops as part of a mini-vacation. When we got home, my wife worked on her students' report cards in our home office, while I decorated the living room using a sailing theme. I put a blue sheet over the windows for privacy and had it represent the sky. I hauled our mattress from the bedroom and put an oversized beach towel which had the theme of sailboats on it. Then I lit scented candles and placed them nearby. When everything was ready, I took off my clothes, hung three Ping-Pong balls by a string from my "you-know-what," went into our office and presented myself to my wife. I tapped her on the shoulder and when she looked up at me, I said, "You're right. I really am oversexed." Her laughter filled the room as I took her hand and showed her the living room. We pretended we were on board a sailing yacht on the bay at night, just the captain and his first mate, alone under the stars. I proceeded to give her a long massage with scented oil and was very well rewarded for my efforts.

Our do-it-only-in-the-bedroom routine turned into an imaginary voyage that has burned a memory into our minds forever.

Sincerely, Captain on Board (used to be bored)

If you have a story to add to my collection, please write to me and let me know if I can put it on my website. I think that most marriages could stand a little more laughter, playfulness and imagination.

I get calls from men and women who have been in marriage counseling for years. You would think that after years of seeing a marriage counselor they would have the ideal marriage and are only going for fine tuning at this point. I don't know why I am still shocked when I find out that they are worse off today than when they first started marriage counseling. Obviously, commitment to their marriage is definitely not one of their problems; otherwise they wouldn't have agreed to get help.

Think about how committed a couple has to be if they are faithfully coming in week after week, month after month, year after year, to discuss their marriage issues. Yet every day, a committed couple files for divorce because a marriage counselor feels that they have done all they can do and there is no future for them. After all, if a professional marriage counselor gives you this advice, it must be true. My life's work says it's not true.

Here is an email I received from a man who was fed up and wanted an alternative to marriage counseling.

Marriage Counseling Did Not Help After 5 Years

My wife and I have been in marriage counseling for five years and things have gone from bad to rock bottom! We started five years ago. We were having some marriage problems and wanted to get an objective point of view. Well, we have been faithfully coming twice a month and now we are in a position where we are both ready to file for divorce.

It now seems that there are three people in our marriage and we can't seem to make a move without consulting our counselor. I can't tell you how many times a week my wife or I will say, "I need to run this by John.", or "We better not make a decision until we see what John thinks." I realized how insane this whole thing was last week when my company asked me to go to the west coast for a few days to finalize a deal with a new client. My immediate thought was, "I have to check with John to see if he thinks this would take too much time away from the family."

I know it's crazy but I feel that we need to find a therapist that can help us detach from our therapist. My question for you is, that after 5 years, is it time to say goodbye to marriage counseling and fend for ourselves? - Ted

Here was my reply:

Dear Ted: Since you are the one who said that it has gone from "bad to rock bottom," it is clearly time to move on and stop going for marriage counseling. It is a shame that, instead of giving you the tools you needed to solve your problems, your marriage counselor has manipulated you both into thinking that you can't make a move without consulting him. It is the same crippling upbringing that many children get. The goal in child rearing is to give your child roots and then wings. It ought to be the same when couples go for marriage counseling. I am sure that you are not alone and many couples are having the same dilemma. Therefore, my suggestion would be to give the marriage counselor a deadline to end marriage counseling and tell him that you would like a summary of what needs to be done on your own. Perhaps a follow-up session to see how you are doing would help.

Marriage Counseling Alternative Secret

Here is the secret to turning your marriage around. Are you ready? Your thoughts have energy. So, to create what you want, it is important to think that you already have what you want. If your spouse is thinking about separating and that is what they are using their energy for, I want you to counteract that negative energy with three times the amount of positive energy.

I want every waking thought to be about staying together. Every night before you go to bed, think about what you have learned on my CD programs and the changes you are capable of making. Then picture yourself executing my homework assignments and your mate reacting in a positive way. Every evening before going to bed, picture you and your spouse laughing and enjoying each other's company. Be as detailed as you can. To help you, you can bring up the past when you were truly happy and content. Lastly, picture looking into each other's eyes and imagine the same passion that you used to feel. Repeat this exercise before you get up in the morning.

For your situation to change, your energy, your thoughts and your actions must all be focused on the outcome you are seeking. Do not pay attention to any negative thoughts. If one comes up, then override it with a positive thought. For example, if you have the following thought; "It is only a question of time before my mate walks out the door." Talk back to that thought and say, "That is not true. Once they see the change in me, they are going to want to be with me forever!"

It is also so important to be surrounded by people who are positive and supportive of your marriage because their thoughts affect you as well. If you are working with a professional and they believe that it is going to be difficult to save this marriage, stop going to this individual! If your friends, co-workers and family begin bashing your mate, it's only because of what you have told them in the past. Change what you tell them and they too will change their thoughts.

I hope you will join me on an incredible journey that will prove to everyone you know, that it is never too late to turn your marriage around.

How do you communicate with someone who slams doors, kicks cabinets, gives dirty looks, rolls their eyes or resorts to the silent treatment as a means of communication?

You may choose to ignore the whole thing, figuring it will soon blow over. Or, you may ask, "What's wrong?" and when your mate responds, "Nothing," the conversation is over. Unfortunately, neither of these methods of dealing with nonverbal expressions of anger does anything to increase communication and intimacy, but the following method does seem to work:

First, you have to be willing to commit five minutes of your time to breaking through the barrier. You begin with the same question you usually ask: "What's wrong?"

This time, however, when get the usual answer ? "Nothing" ? you're not going to drop it. Instead say: "Please tell me what's wrong. I know something is bothering you."

Once again, the answer you get will probably be is, "I told you. Nothing is wrong."

This is when it begins to get tough. Every bone in your body is telling you to leave well enough alone - it's not worth it! Yes, it is. Keep going. The fact that you are spending so much time and effort shows your mate that you really care.

By now you are about three minutes into this monologue. This time you say, "Please tell me what's wrong. I know you are upset. I must have done something to hurt you, but unless you tell me what it is, I'll never be able to do anything about it."

Your mate begins to weaken.

Here's your final attempt. I want you to say, "Please, please, tell me what's wrong, so I can make it up to you. You are the most important person in my life, and I love you with all my heart. Sometimes I can be so insensitive to you, and I just have to know what I did to cause you this pain."

Stick with this until you get an answer, no matter how discouraged you become. The alternative is worse. Living with a person who is angry and distant is no fun. This way, your mate will eventually cave in. It really will only take about five minutes and it will be over, and both of you will feel better.

While we're on the subject of non verbal communication, I want to caution you to watch your own nonverbal messages. You can send a negative message without saying a word. For example:

Your wife is talking to you. Your eyes never leave the newspaper. The message you send is, "I'm not interested in what you have to say. This newspaper is more interesting."

Your husband is telling a story you've heard many times before. You begin to just roll your eyes. The message you send is, "You are so boring. Here we go again."

You've just mad love and you are silent. The message you send is, "That was no big deal; certainly not worth talking about."

Your mate is telling you about an incident she experienced that day, and you look at your watch. The message you send is, "Hurry up and finish. I have more important things to do."

Sometimes it's not what you say, but what you don't say, that hurts.

If you have a story to add to my collection, please write to me and let me know if I can put it on my website. I think that most marriages could stand a little more laughter, playfulness and imagination.

Dear Dr. Ellen: My husband was transferred to another state and we have to move out of our old house within the next three months. Trying to get my two kids, ages 12 and 14 to help is next to impossible. We have been in this house for years and there is so much we still need to do before moving. Do you have any suggestions on how to motivate two unmotivated kids when it comes to pitching in to help? - Sarah

Dear Sarah: The Cosby show once had an episode involving his youngest daughter, Rudy, who refused to eat her brussel sprouts. After much coaxing and pleading Mr. Cosby became annoyed. He told Rudy that she could not get up from the dinner table unless she ate her brussel sprouts, and he didn't care if it took all night and all the entire next day. He and his wife went upstairs and got ready for an evening out. Rudy continued sitting at the dinner table with the sprouts on her plate. After a while her older sister came in with her friends. They rearranged the furniture and rolled up the rug. When Rudy sked what they were doing, her sister told her that they were going to dance. Rudy asked if she could dance, too, and her sister said, "Sure you finish all your brussel sprouts." She had hardly finished the sentence before Rudy had eaten all of it. The point is, we all want to know what is in it for us if we do what someone else wants us to do. For Rudy, the reward of getting up from the table wasn't enough for her to endure the torture of eating the brussel sprouts, but the chance to dance with her sister and her friends was enough motivation.

Your children are upset because they don't want to leave their friends and would prefer to stay where they are. In order to get them to help, you will have to think of something that would be a great reward. For example: Encourage them to contribute things they want to get rid of in a family garage sale and put whatever money you make toward a vacation. Ask them for some suggestions as to where they would like to go. If money is an issue, it could be a recreational day at a theme park. The money could also be used to buy them something they have been wanting. Another idea is to tell them that once the garage is cleaned they can have a big going away party. It's not a bribe. The point is to find out what they would enjoy as a reward for the hard work that lies ahead for all of you. - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: My husband and I have been married for 8 years and we have two beautiful children, ages 5 and 2. About a year ago my husband lost his job and went into a deep depression. At the same time, a guy at work started paying attention to me. He'd come by my desk, telling me how beautiful I was and how lucky my husband was to have a wife like me. Well, I had an affair with this guy. I felt so guilty that I wound up telling my husband. What a big mistake! I should tell you that my husband is a great father, a wonderful lover and a great husband. We split up for a time but are now back together. So here's my problem. My husband is driving me crazy. One minute he wants to do everything and anything for me; the housework, take care of the kids, buy me flowers and is romantic, which I love. The next minute he's talking about the guy I had an affair with, accusing me of still seeing him or sleeping with someone else. Dr. Ellen, I'm not, but his jealousy is driving me crazy! He wants to know where I am every minute of the day and calls me if I have to work late. I know he doesn't believe me when I say I made a big mistake and I want our marriage to work. What should I do? - Julie

Dear Julie: First of all, you did make a big mistake! I know you had the affair at a time when your husband wasn't giving you any emotional fulfillment, wasn't paying attention to you because he was so wrapped up in his own misery. You were vulnerable and so this other man looked like your Knight in Shining Armor. But what you did violated your marriage vows and deeply hurt your husband. I know you want his forgiveness immediately but it's going to take a long time before that's going to happen. Time and your reassurance over and over again is what will make this marriage heal. You'll have to keep telling him how much you love him and how sorry you are. I know it's going to feel like a broken record but it's the price you're going to have to pay for what you did. He will eventually forgive you if he hears it enough times but understand this - he will never forget what happened! Both of you can use this crisis in your life to build a more loving, caring and nurturing relationship, but it's going to take time. - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: I would like to know - what is romance? You see, my wife has told me that I should be more romantic, and instead of ignoring her, I decided to give it a try. I said to my wife "So tell me what kind of romantic things you like so I can do them." Her reply was "If I tell you that such and such is romantic, and then you do that, then it won't be romantic anymore." Help. Please explain this romance thing to me. - Darren

Dear Darren: I always tell women to stop thinking men have ESP and can read your mind. Women are very intuitive and can read someone's mind but most men don't have a clue and have to be told what you want. They really do appreciate knowing what turns you on. If you are lucky enough to have a man that asks you what romantic things he can do for you, tell him! When I taught men's classes, I used to put the word, "ROMANCE" on the blackboard and ask them if they thought of themselves as romantic. Most of them thought I was asking them if they were good in bed. Of course, they all said, "yes". But to a woman, romance is spending time with her. When I put the word "ROMANCE" on the board in my women's class, the comments were about dancing close together, cuddling, holding hands while talking long walks, candlelight dinners, etc. In other words, most men are X-rated, and most women are PG. Men need sexual fulfillment in order to respond to a woman emotionally and women need emotional fulfillment in order to respond sexually. So, my advice to you is to ask your wife for a date next Saturday night. Take her out to dinner and a show. Come back home and put on some romantic music and ask her to dance. Run a bubble bath for her and tell her to relax and take as much time as she needs and when she's ready, you'll brush her hair and give her a massage from head to toe. That's romance! - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: I am holding a lot of anger and resentment towards my husband's family, particularly his father. My husband's dad treats him as if he is nothing. He seems as if he almost hates him. My husband became the "man of the house" at the age of 10 when his father had an accident and was confined to a wheelchair. I believe that is where his father's hostility towards my husband lies. Anyway, my anger and resentment towards his father is affecting our marriage and is only hurting my husband, however, I don't know how to control it. What should I do? - Jackie

Dear Jackie: It has to be very hard to see someone that you love treated so poorly by his father. Your husband sounds like a saint, having taken care of his father since he was 10. My guess is that you have already told your husband of the pain and resentment you feel seeing him being treated so poorly and he chooses to live with it rather than say something. You have no control over your husband's relationship with his family. You can only control your relationship with them. Remember, what you DON'T see can't upset you. I think that you need to distance yourself so you don't see how they are treating him. Tell your husband that you will no longer accompany him on family visits because it hurts to see someone you love being poorly treated and not appreciated. If he's on the phone talking to a family member, you leave the room so you don't hear the conversation. I think you'll find that your anger and resentment should subside. There is nothing wrong with your husband telling his parents the truth about why you are not there. If you are really brave, you could tell them yourself. Obviously, what I would hope for would be that your husband eventually confronts his father and asks him to be more respectful and kinder otherwise he will lose a son as well as a daughter-in-law and it will be his father's fault. Don't put your husband down and criticize him for not confronting his father right now. It will come in time. Make sure you give him all the praise, respect and admiration you can. Tell him how much you value him and you will not listen or watch anyone who doesn't! - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: My husband just walked out the door and told me that he didn't want a Valentine's card from me this year because he's sick and tired of my critical nature. It's true. He never seems to get upset at me but for some reason so many things about him annoy me. We've been married for 6 years and have a 2 year old and a 4 year old. I've been crying about what he said all morning and don't know what to do. I know he'll be upset if I get him a card and I'll be upset if I don't. - Meg

Dear Meg: To keep love alive, you have to be able to make your husband feel good about himself. When you first fell in love all you saw were his wonderful qualities. That's why they say, "Love is Blind." Unfortunately, as time goes you get so caught up in the business of raising children and the daily routine of life that you often focus more on what's wrong with a person than what's right. Honor his request and don't get a card. Instead, sit down and write him a love letter and include all the reasons why you love him. Before you do this I want you to really think about all the qualities you saw in him when you first fell in love. To help you shift from your present negative thinking to positive thinking, I want you to ask yourself these two questions:

1) How would someone else who has just fallen head over heels in love with my mate view the same personality traits that have begun to irritate me?

2) If my mate had only one more day to live, what would I be focusing on?

Remember there are at least two ways to view every personality trait, from a positive or negative viewpoint. I'll give you some examples. If you view your mate as unenthusiastic, another way of looking at it is that he is often patient, consistent and low-key. If you see your mate as indecisive, he's probably flexible, open-minded and philosophical. If he's disorganized, he's probably spontaneous, creative and multifaceted. If he's rigid, he's probably dependable, consistent and responsible. I hope you see my point. Everyone deserves to feel good about themselves when they are with you.

Then, after you are done with the love letter, make some love coupons and give them to him. If you don't have the time to do it by tomorrow, you can still use the idea for another occasion - the day you met, his birthday, or a no occasion gift. Somewhere write - "More valuable than money is my gift of LOVE to you. Because you are so special, you are worth my time, my energy and my effort."

Some ideas for coupons -

1. A morning of rest. Sleep as long as you want followed by breakfast in bed.

2. A soothing bubble bath followed by a massage from head to toe, guaranteed to relax that wonderful body of yours.

3. A lunch date at the restaurant of your choice. We'll enjoy the pleasure of each other's company. Who knows where we'll have "dessert"!

4. A steamy shower for two - guaranteed to make you feel clean "all over".

5. A shopping spree for the "nightie" of your choice. Let your imagination run wild and let me be your fantasy.

6. King for a day. You pick the day and your every wish will be my command.

7. One passionate evening in the room of your choice!

8. A snuggle date in bed. A day to watch T.V. and eat in bed. Nothing to do but relax in each other's arms.

9. Kiss and make-up session. If I have upset you in any way, just present this coupon and I'll listen to you, make it up to you and also say, "I'm sorry".

10. A 10-second kiss. You pick the time, day or night, and we will engage in a passionate 10-second kiss. I want to show you that, not only do I love you, but that I am still "in love" with you. Happy Valentine's Day! - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: It's been a long time since my husband and I have been away on any kind of vacation without the kids. We have 4 children, ages 11, 9, 6 and 3. My husband is a salesman by profession and has won a two week vacation to France for both of us. My parents have offered to baby-sit. I know it's a chance of a lifetime, but I have never left my kids for such a long time and so far away. What makes it even harder, was that when we told the kids about the trip, my six-year-old stormed out of the room and the nine-year-old started to cry. They couldn't believe that we were going without them. My husband wants to go but I'd feel too guilty. What do you think? - Sharon

Dear Sharon: Children know exactly how to make you feel guilty and get what they want. They are the masters of this game. Children are very self-centered and believe that the whole world should revolve around them. It's up to you, as a parent, to teach them that this is not the case. If you are waiting for your children's permission to have a vacation that doesn't include them, forget it! You'll be old and gray before it happens. Children do not know what's good for them, you do. I know they want you home all the time, but they also want fast food every night for dinner. So, in spite of what they want, the last thing they need is unhappy parents who sacrifice everything for the sake of the child and then wind up divorced. The best gift you ever give your children is a loving relationship with your husband. The happiest, most well adjusted kids come from a home where mommy and daddy love each other. So feel the guilt and book that vacation. BON VOYAGE - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: It has been 4 months since my husband left me. I was shocked and devastated when he told me that he had been having an affair for 6 months. I could not believe that he was throwing away 10 years of marriage, not to mention the pain he was causing our 8 and 10-year old children. I purchased your tapes and now I see why he had the affair and what I should have done differently. I admit that all my focus was on my children and my work. We had practically no sex life. My question is "Is it too late to patch this up. He has not filed for divorce and hasn't brought the topic up. He comes over to see the kids on weekends. It seems like he's staying longer and it's getting harder to leave. I feel like sometimes we are getting closer and then he'll still leave. I often wonder what she says to him- how she must be dreading the thought of him leaving her to come back to his family. I am so unsure what to do. I love him so very much and I want to grow old with this man. Thank you so much - Christine

Dear Christine: The only thing you can do, now that you are not living together, is to make the time count when he comes over to visit. Act happy, independent and busy with your life. Act like someone who he'd want to have an affair with. Do not be depressed and needy. I don't care if your heart is breaking, don't let him see that side anymore. When he says it's time to leave, say, "Okay, thanks for coming by" and seem anxious for him to leave or better yet, the next time, you make it a point to cut the visit short because you have plans. The point is that your behavior has been so predictable and I'd like you to be UNPREDICTIBLE. Then he'll start to wonder what's going on. Maybe you've met someone? Have an air of mystery to you. The more time he spends with you, the more angry the other woman will get and he'll get tired of her moods. You have to act like the other woman. Compliment him, talk to him, treasure the little time you have together and make it count, then sweetly kiss him goodbye. No accusations, no making him feel guilty, and no pathetic, or sad behavior. The more fun you are to be with, and a pleasure to talk to, the less time he'll want to spend with the other woman. It may take some time, but you can do this! - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: My husband of 2 1/2 years walked out on me on January 31, with just a "Please forgive me" written on the back of our wedding picture. I was devastated to find out that he was living with a 24 year old. (He's 27 & I'm 40). The affair has been going on for quite sometime, right in front of me, in public. When I asked him why, all he said was that she could give him one thing that I couldn't - children. I have no problem in that category. Since he's been with her, he has been speaking to me up until a few days ago, when I made the choice for him. What should I do? I love this man, and I know he still loves me. Should I wait until he finds out that the grass isn't greener on the other side or should I close this door and wait for another to open? I'm not a spring chicken anymore. Help! - Rita

Dear Rita: It is not very often that I respond to someone so harshly but I'm hoping to really shake you up. YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS! It's time to think about what's best for Rita. You mentioned that your husband had been seeing this girl for "quite some time." You've only been married for 2 1/2 years! Unfortunately, you married a "boy," not a man. This boy wants you to forgive him. Why should you? He is lacking honesty, integrity, and courage, all qualities that are part of a man with character. Trust is one of the most important aspects of a relationship and without it you can't build a life together. The man you are describing cannot be trusted. That is a function of his basic character and not his age. There is a saying, "Actions speak louder than words." What does it matter if a man tells his wife how much he loves her, and then abuses her everyday either verbally or physically? What does it matter if a father tells his daughter how much he loves her and then abandons her? What does it matter if a boy tells his girlfriend how much he cares about her but only has sex with her and never takes her out on a real date?

You say, "I know he loves me." His ACTIONS are not indicative of a man who loves you. My definition of "love" is, when someone else's happiness and well-being is just as important as your own. Do you really think that your husband is concerned with your well-being? When you asked him why he was having the affair, the answer he should have given you was, "Because I am a liar, a cheat and a coward and all I care about is myself." Now THAT answer I can work with, not his poor excuse for cheating. Also his writing, "I'm sorry," on the back of your wedding picture was cruel and insensitive.

You ended your email to me with, "I'm no spring chicken anymore." Well, 40 is not over the hill! You have a lot to offer someone even if you don't believe that right now. Take some time now to take care of yourself and grieve your loss. Close the door on this chapter of your life. You are still young enough to find a man who adores you and has good morals and values.

In time you will realize that you deserve to have a man who loves you with all his heart and don't you dare settle for anything less. Good luck! - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: My husband and I have been together 8 yrs. We have been married 2 of those 8 yrs. We have known each other for about 20 yrs. His father died suddenly about 4 months ago. His sisters and his step-mom agreed to sign everything over to him. We have another house that is in my name from before we started living together. He has decided that he doesn't want to be married anymore. But still wants us to live together. He said that he's controlling things now and it's his way or the highway. I love this man and I had planned on spending the rest of my life with him. I just don't understand what he thinks will be different if we are not married. I don't want to take steps backward. I want our future to go forward. He said that I'm the one who is throwing this away. I told him, he gave me no choice. I don't want to go back to living together but not married. Should I give his way a chance or accept the fact that we won't be together anymore? - Patty

Dear Patty: Most women who write to me seem to underestimate their value in the relationship. You have been part of his daily life for 8 years. You are going to have to take the chance that you mean more to him than he even he realizes, and if not, then it's time to take the highway. How happy and joyful do you think you will be if he files for divorce and you continue to live together? My guess is that you will become cold, distant and unresponsive as soon as that happens. We all have an inner guide that tells us what to do. I know yours is telling you that his new arrangement won't work. You need to follow your guide and not his. All of a sudden he wants to be a free man? I don't think so. I think he knows that if he just asks for a divorce without giving you any hope of staying together, you may go after his newly acquired assets. If he banks on you being the weak, "whatever you say dear" type of woman, he'll have the freedom to see other women, go anywhere he chooses without answering to you, and keep all his assets to himself. You are going to have to take a very deep breath and do what your heart tells you to do. I know you think you can't live without him, but what you don't know at this point is that he probably can't live without you as well. You both stood at the alter and vowed to stay married, "till death do you part" and for him to break that vow means he does not want to spend the rest of his life with you as husband and wife. He wants to spend just enough time and give you just enough hope so that you don't cost him anything in a divorce settlement. My advice is to go to a lawyer immediately and see what you are entitled to receive. I think you will see that he is asking you to agree to a very one-sided arrangement where he has only his own best interests at heart. - Dr. Ellen

Hello Dr. Ellen: What do you think about wives taking pictures of themselves for their husbands, to let them know what they have? Or is this asking for trouble? I happened to find out that my husband had recently looked at several revealing pictures of women on an internet auction. So I confronted him about it and I feel we're ok as long as it's not something that happens again. I should have emailed you then, to see why guys do that and how we should handle it. That was not his nature at all but they weren't horrible pictures either, even though it really hurt me that he saw what he saw and didn't come to me for it. Well, I'm quite interested to know how you feel about all this. Thanks, your student. - Jennifer

Dear Jennifer: The Internet is addicting and men have to use a lot of self-control to stay away from it. There is so much spam going on now and adult sites are sending unsolicited material right to everyone's email address. Many men cannot help but take a peek and before they know it, they are hooked. I am getting so many emails now from women who have caught their husbands spending time on adult sites. Ages ago, a man had to resort to going into a "sleazy" store in an undesirable part of town to buy an adult video. Then, when video stores became main stream, they kept the adult movies out of site, in the back of the store. The fear of someone seeing you was enough to prevent most married men from renting that type of video. Now, in the privacy of your home, it is difficult for men to stay away and understand why it hurts their partner so much. They don't consider it cheating and most women do.

Most men enjoy looking at beautiful women and get pleasure out of seeing them in magazines and on the Internet. However, once a man falls in love and gets married, he has more than himself to consider. My definition of true love is, "When someone else's happiness and well-being is just as important as your own." Hopefully, now that you have now told him how unhappy his behavior made you feel, he'll respect that. I know he wouldn't be very happy if you were viewing the same thing with men online. The truth is that if he continues this behavior, you will turn into an angry, cold, bitter and unresponsive woman.

A mature and loving man knows that he has to sacrifice certain things for the sake of a marriage. When you become parents there are even more sacrifices for the sake of the children. You may want to "party" till 4:00 a.m. but, if you are a responsible and loving parent, you know that your child needs you to be alert the next day, so you don't! If looking at naked women hurts your partner, then you simply control your impulses and don't do it!

I think taking the glamour shots or what they call "boudoir photography" is a great idea. It's a wonderful experience. You'll be shocked at how classy and sexy you'll look. You can present it to your husband with a cute note that says, "For Your Eyes Only." - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: I am 34 and my husband is 30. We were married nearly 2 years ago. My husband is also sober 15 years, thanks to AA. When we first got together nearly 3 years ago, our income levels were close, but in the last 2 years my income has tripled. In the last year my husband decided that he did not like what he was doing as a CPA and wanted to try something else. I was totally supportive and encouraged him to find whatever line of work would make him happy. He found a business idea and bought a new truck, all the supplies, memberships and insurance. Three months later he hated it and decided to sell the business because it was not what he wanted to do. I was ok with that, too. I have come to realize that he does not know what he wants to do but I see that as his issue. My job is to support him in any path he chooses. What I am having a hard time with is that he has started seeing a counselor. This person gave him homework to come home last week and talk to me about what is giving him such anxiety. He came home from the counselor to tell me that I have caused all of his anxiety because he is so worried about not earning as much as I do. He said that if I do not love him solely for the man he is and not for the income he has potential to make, that I have married the wrong guy. I told him that I do love him, whatever he makes, that I know and trust that he has TONS of potential and that he is his worst critic. Amidst all of this, he also wants to start a family which I too want, just not right now when I feel like everything is unbalanced. He asked if he could be a stay at home Dad. That was when I got upset. I told him that it would not be all right with me. I would feel cheated and resentful and that is something I have waited all my life to do even if it is only for a few months. Over the last few days, I realized that I am angry because I feel like I'm being punished for being successful in my career by the man I have so unselfishly and unconditionally supported. Can you shed some light on what I should do? Thank you! - Wendy

Dear Wendy: I think it is admirable that your husband had the courage to quit his job and try his hand at a business he thought would be successful. There is also no shame that he recognized early on that he made a mistake. It's also quite natural for him to have anxiety over making another wrong decision. Certainly a good counselor would validate his feelings and help him through this difficult transition period. It is hard for me to believe that he is seeing someone who is actually supporting the notion that your husband's anxiety is your fault. That is inconceivable to me after what you have written to me. Assuming it is the truth, it is obvious that you have been a very supportive and nurturing wife. Your husband should be so appreciative of having a woman who has been a true partner contributing, not only financially, but emotionally, to his well-being. You seem to have had only his best interests at heart. Of course you feel angry, frustrated and confused about getting blamed for his decisions and choices. It is not your fault and if he continues down this path, he will destroy the love you have for him.

You cannot be silent about this. You must tell him how much this has hurt you. You can validate his feelings by letting him know that you understand how awful it is to have his dreams shattered and how difficult it is to find the strength to go on. But you will not accept being the scapegoat.

He has gone through some disappointment and it will take a little time and lots of love and encouragement from you until he gets control of his life again. I have no doubt that a man who has been sober for 15 years and became a CPA, knows the meaning of commitment and dedication. He's just a little off track and needs to continually hear how much you believe in him.

Do not, however, bring a child into this world until you have a perfect understanding of what your roles will be. You have to decide on whether this is a deal breaker for you or not. If you are forced to work because he has chosen not to, then you will resent him and your child will suffer. Don't give any mixed messages here by saying one thing and really wanting another. If this has been your lifetime dream, you cannot agree to give it up. Make sure he is very clear that you will not work when the baby is born, period. So, if he really wants to be a stay-at-home dad, he will have to wait until you are ready to go back to work. You may decide on a few months or a few years. You can't take an opinion poll on this. This is a very personal decision. - Dr. Ellen

Hello Dr. Ellen: I have been married now for 6 months and have known my wife for 7 years. We are both 30 years old. During this time we have had our normal ups and downs and have been able to successfully work through them, usually after a day or so. I love my wife dearly and we have been talking about having kids and have just moved into a brand new house.

All of this has fallen apart lately. About 4 weeks ago we had a seemingly innocent conversation about our sexual history and about the number of partners we have slept with. We had a similar conversation 7 years ago and I was given a vague answer of 3 or 4 partners. We have built a life of great memories together so far and I have found her to be a great person who loves me, does not smoke or do drugs, hardly drinks and is no longer into the nightclub scene. Growing up, one of the things I had come to value in a partner is the ability to abstain from sex until marriage. My wife is very pretty and growing up in Australia, I was prepared to accept that she has had a sexual past. Anyway, at the end of the conversation, she had admitted that she had about 11 partners and when pressed, she admitted to 14. (all in a 3 year span)! When the conversation pressed on, I found out that she had had 1 night stands and used to pick up guys at nightclubs that she frequented. Now I look back at all her stories about nightclubbing and her flirting while drunk (in my presence) to the point of hugging and kissing those around her as a reminder of how she is (or was). If this is the number she did sleep with, what about the near misses! She has also had unprotected sex on occasions and has only recently had laser surgery to remove a wart virus (which affected our sex life). I cannot help but be horrified by her promiscuous past and have got very depressed about the details of her encounters. I have had sex myself but I was in long term relationships and had no where near the partners she has had. Now I cannot look at her and feel the same closeness that we have been used to. I cannot help but visualize all the guys having sex with her, sometimes as we are doing it. Horrible thoughts enter my head as I look at her and sometimes refer to her in my head as a "slut". I have not come across anything in my life as hard to overcome and have certainly not had to seek help before for anything. Sometimes I feel like getting even by sleeping around (I have thought about it only). I can't help but feel that maybe I missed out in my younger years by not having slept with a lot of women.

I feel that she has been able to experiment sexually and I haven't and it makes me feel a lot of hurt, jealousy and insecurity. We had such a big fight about our difference of opinion on this that we mentioned divorce already. We are hanging on desperately trying to find a way to solve this without leaving each other. I hope this reaches you and you can help. - Lance

Dear Lance: You can bet that in any long-term relationship, sooner or later, some unforeseen past event will wreck havoc in your life. It has simply come sooner in your marriage, rather than later. This is your test and I really hope that you don't fail. Your wife opened up to you because it has probably been haunting her for a long time and she feels guilty not telling you the truth.

There is no such thing as a "seemingly innocent conversation about our sexual history," and quite frankly I am surprised you didn't know that a conversation like that would bring up things that could potentially hurt you. Many men have lovingly stated that they didn't want to know anything about ex-lovers because they intuitively knew that it would serve no purpose and would affect them negatively. It was not fair of you to make it seem safe for her to share her past with you, and then reject her for being honest.

She trusted you and now you are making her feel sorry that she did. If you continue this, she'll never open herself up again to you. She took a leap of faith and was completely honest with you about her past. If you are not understanding and sympathetic now, it may be the last time she ever takes that chance again. The past is over and it cannot be changed. Most of us come into a relationship with excess baggage, things we would like to change and experiences we wish had never happened. Your tenderness and love has the ability to heal her wounds and make her feel whole again. Don't waste this opportunity. It's a gift you can give her for the rest of your life together.

She needs a husband who loves her for the woman she is today. The most important words a woman can hear when she has shared something from her past that she is not proud of, is, "I love you, no matter what! Your past is over and it has nothing to do with the present or the future."

If you are not up to the task, then she really will be better off without you. She will not be able to live with someone who has disgust for her. The worst thing you can do, is stay married and then make her feel bad and guilty for something that cannot be changed. Today, as you said in your email, you have a woman who loves you, does not smoke or do drugs, hardly drinks and is no longer into the nightclub scene. I think after reading this email, you had better take her in your arms tonight and tell her how far she has come, how proud you are to be her husband, and what a wonderful mother she will be in the future. If you don't, I can guarantee that you will be searching for another perfect woman who doesn't exist. - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: I would like to know the best way to handle a religion difference in our marriage. We have a 3 year old boy. I am not a Christian and my husband is. I would not feel comfortable with him taking our son to church although I know my husband can do what he wants and teach him what he wants. I would like to take him to Jewish classes with me and this is how I am raising him (our son). What do I do when he wants to take our son to church? What do we tell our son about the religious differences? Can I take him with me? - Carla

Dear Carla: This is definitely a personal issue that should have been discussed before you got married and certainly before having a child. I know that most clergy believe that a child should be raised believing in one religion. I