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In a committed relationship, the decisions you and your mate make will guide your life together. Whether it's deciding to buy a house, have a baby, or change careers, your decisions will affect the dynamics of your marriage. If you make your decisions based on fear, your marriage will be haunted by insecurities, anxiety, and negative energy. If you make your decisions based on love, your marriage will be touched by nothing but warmth, confidence, and trust. A couple with those emotions will never wind up in marriage counseling.

If you experience difficulty making a particular decision, there is probably some kind of fear involved. To make the best decision possible, use the following steps. First, ask yourself, "What am I afraid of?" It could be fear of losing money, fear that you can't make it on your own, fear that you won't succeed, fear that you'll disappoint someone else, fear that you won't be loved anymore, or fear of losing someone you love. So first, I really want you to face what you are afraid of.

Next, I want you to ask yourself, "If I were coming from a loving place deep inside me, where I knew I was completely safe, that my instincts were trustworthy and my motives were pure, how would I react and what would I say or do?" The answer to this question is sometimes very different than what you would normally do or say. You may be attending individual or couples marriage counseling and the counselor has encouraged you to do whatever makes you happy. The problem with that advice is that once you think about your choices, you realize that there are good and bad consequences no matter what decision you make. So, many times neither decision will make you happy. Sometimes it comes down to which will make you feel "less worse."

I've helped many people make difficult decisions in their life. One of them was Monica, who attended one of my lectures very distraught. She told me that her husband had come home from work a few days ago and had proudly announced that his company was doubling his salary, making him vice president of a new bank, and was moving his family from California to Arizona.

Monica said that all she could think about was how lonely she would be if she had to leave her friends and family behind. She couldn't imagine coping with her nine-month-old baby without the help of her mother. She knew no one in Arizona and didn't make friends easily. She had cried all that night, and in the morning she had told Peter she didn't want to go. Peter left for work that morning without kissing her goodbye for the first time in their marriage. Monica set up an appointment for marriage counseling with a therapist that was recommended by one of her friends.

The counselor told her husband that he had to think about someone other than himself now that he had a wife and baby and he had to take Monica's feelings into consideration. Then she told Monica that there would be no point in making this move if she was going to be miserable. It would only be a matter of time before she would come home as a single mom!

So, you can imagine the state Monica was in when she came to see me. They were no closer to making a decision after their marriage counseling session.

I asked Monica to picture the worst-case scenario, including all of her fears. She did a pretty good job of it. She pictured herself crying every day as she sat by herself in her lonely house with the baby screaming. She felt isolated, depressed, and angry.

I simply asked her if her thoughts were supportive and coming from a loving place. She said, "No, and they are making me miserable."

I asked her to pretend that she was coming from a loving place, a place where she was safe and secure and all of her thoughts were supportive. Then I asked her what she would do or say if that's how she felt. She looked at me as if I were crazy and said, "But I don't feel safe and secure. I'm scared."

I said, "I know that, but if you were coming from a loving place instead of a fearful place, what would you do? Just for a moment, pretend."

Monica said, "Well, if I felt safe and secure, then I would be excited about going. I would tell my husband how proud I am of him and what a wonderful opportunity this would be for us. If I wasn't scared, I'd be excited about buying our first home because the prices are so much lower in Arizona than they are in California."

I did everything I could to convince Monica that she should make her decision from that loving place where faith prevails and not from a fearful place. I'm happy to report that Monica and Peter did move to Arizona. I received a letter letting me know that she had joined a "Mommy and Me" swim class and had made some wonderful new friends. They bought a home in a good neighborhood and a lovely retired couple who lived next door, were delighted to help out with baby-sitting.

If Monica had made her decision based on fear, she never would have stepped out of her comfort zone and experienced a new adventure, and her relationship with her husband would have been damaged, if not destroyed completely.

To live your life in a fearful state is to rob yourself of pleasure and new experiences. More importantly, when you live your life in fear, it is impossible to experience a deep connection with others, especially your mate.

When you've gotten to the point in your marriage when all you see are the negative qualities in your spouse, you run the risk that they will eventually meet someone who sees the best in them. If your spouse rarely gets a compliment from you, they are probably starving for attention. I have always said, "If you don't have a love affair with your mate, someone else will!"

What may start out as a harmless connection to someone, because they feel unnoticed and unloved, eventually turns into an emotional affair. Given enough time, the emotional affair will become a physical one.

I remember one night after class, one of my students stayed to speak with me. She was distraught because her husband had told her that he wanted to move out and file for a divorce. I asked her to tell me exactly what had happened that could have led to this point in their marriage. She told me that her husband had worked in the corporate world but a year ago had decided to quit and go back to school to get his teaching credential.

Ann tried everything she could to convince him not to leave the business world. She ended up telling him she thought he was crazy; that he would never make enough money teaching. He went back to school in spite of Ann's protests, and in one of his classes he met a woman who was studying for the same degree as he was. This woman told him she admired him for quitting the business rat race. She pumped him up and gave him daily encouragement. They studied together, laughed together and eventually, he had fallen in love with this classmate.

Would this story have turned out differently if Ann had been supportive of her husband's decision right from the beginning when he shared his dream with her? Absolutely! If she had verbalized her faith in him and complimented him on his courage and perseverance, he wouldn't have needed someone else to make him feel good.

Once Ann learned what this woman had done and what she needed to do, she fought for her marriage with a vengeance. This woman never had a chance because Ann was armed with my information.

A letter from Judy recounted how a lack of attention and compliments from her husband almost let to the end of their marriage.

My husband was depressed because he was unhappy in his job. To make up for a dull career, he spent many evenings attending school board and city council meetings. I was definitely neglected.

I met this younger man through a friend of my daughter's. He was a college student and needed a place to stay over the summer. I offered an extra bedroom in our home. While living with us, he spent a lot of time watching me cook, decorate and garden. He couldn't say enough wonderful things about my domesticity. That whole summer, all I heard was, "You have such a green thumb", or "You have a flair for color and texture", or "You make better spaghetti sauce than my mother". He also made it clear that he was attracted to me.

Having heard these wonderful things made me realize how much I was missing in my marriage. I told my husband how I felt and I'm thankful that he was willing to listen to your CD's and make the necessary changes.

So, it's your turn to think about how your spouse feels when they are with you. Your marriage is the most precious gift you have. It deserves to be treated and protected in every way possible.

Does she remember to buy your favorite foods at the supermarket? Does he remember to put the toilet seat down? Is she especially patient with your parents? Has he gotten involved with a home improvement project? See how many wonderful things about him or her you can find that you have been taking for granted.

From now on, I want you look at your spouse in a way you may not have done for quite some time. Pay attention to his or her every move with an eye for the positive. Become your mate's biggest fan and you will affair-proof your marriage, not for those brief youthful years, but for a lifetime.

"I've been with someone else." Those words are like a wrecking ball that crashes through your life. The roller coaster ride that comes with infidelity is filled with hurt, betrayal, anger, love, threats, hope and depression. It may seem like your marriage is over... but it's not.

While you may not think so, your pain will force you to grow. Pain is our greatest teacher. Regardless of where the pain comes from, there are always lessons to be learned. Physical pain alerts you to a problem in your body that needs attention. Emotional pain does the same thing. It tells you that there is a lesson that you need to learn so you can grow stronger. It usually forces you to look inside and ultimately to stretch, grow, and gain more knowledge and understanding about yourself and your marriage.

What I have told thousands of people in your situation is, "You can use this pain to make your marriage so strong, that no one and nothing can ever come between the two of you again or you can let your pain lead to the end your marriage. If you choose the first statement, I promise that I can help you have a different marriage and the healing will begin.

What Was My Marriage Lacking

I know it's easy to blame your spouse and especially the other person involved, but it's much harder to look at yourself and ask, "Was there something lacking in me that made my spouse want to connect with another person?" Thousands of men and women, just like you, have learned how to use the pain of infidelity to make their marriages better than ever!

We were married for 8 years when I finally found out my husband was cheating. The crazy hours, nights, weekends - how could I have been so naive! I lost all respect for him and felt so violated. If it weren't for the kids and lack of finances, I would have left. Over time, we learned to tolerate each other. He was sorry for what he did but I made him pay for it everyday.

One night I fell asleep on the couch and when I woke up at 2:00 A.M. there you were on TV talking about why people have affairs. It was hard looking at myself and for the first time understanding that what I said, what I did and what I didn't do, all contributed to him finding someone else. You were right, it takes 2 people to have an affair and once I took responsibility for my part, the healing began." Shannon T. - Lexington

For over 20 years I've helped couples understand the reasons why infidelity has happened and how to prevent it from ever happening again. I have never found a case where a man or woman woke up one day and spontaneously decided to go out and have an affair. It's a decision that happens due to months or years of neglect and being taken for granted. If you use infidelity as a wake-up call, you can have a better marriage than you ever dreamed possible.

A Marriage Warning

If you don't have a love affair with your mate, someone else will! Here is an eye-opening fact that Oprah had me repeat 3 times when I was backstage on her show. It really does explain the "Why" of infidelity in a marriage.

A man falls in love because of the way he feels about himself when he is with a woman. When he doesn't feel good anymore he's going to find another woman who does make him feel good. That's what an affair is all about. It's not that he's in love with the other woman. What he's really in love with is the way he feels about himself when he's with the other woman. A woman feels the same way. Do you know how many times a woman will say to me, "Ellen, now that I'm in love, I feel beautiful, I feel sexy, I feel special and needed." We have a right to feel like that for the rest of our lives, and when we don't, we try to find someone else who will make us feel good.

I was doing a radio show in Texas and a man called up and said, "I don't believe this. I dropped a hamburger in my lap. I went to a pay phone and just had to call you up to tell you that what you're saying is so true. For three years I have been having an affair and I couldn't put into words why! My wife is pretty, she's intelligent and she's the pillar of the community. But the truth is that I feel like 'nothing' when I'm with my wife and I feel like a 'king' when I'm with this other woman."

I spoke to a woman who had been married for 9 years and started to have feelings for someone she worked with. She said, "My husband is successful, smart, good-looking but the other guy makes me feel beautiful and special."

Many people think that if they were better-looking or had more money, then things would be different. It's not about getting thinner, better looking or making more money. Some of the wealthiest people in the world are by themselves; some of the most beautiful people on earth are lonely. This is about how another human being feels about themselves when they're with you. So, it isn't about me, but how does my husband feel about himself every time he's with me. And, it isn't about my husband, but how do I feel about myself when I'm with him. If we both make each other feel so good about who we are, why would we ever want to be with anyone else?

We have the ability to make another human being feel that they are important, special, attractive, sexy, intelligent, funny, wanted and needed. That's what a loving marriage is all about and that's the lesson that needs to be learned. If you do, your spouse will never again want to be with anyone but you!

For an effective way to deal with infidelity without marriage counseling, take as much time as you need to listen to the free demos on this site. Turn your pain into determination and do everything in your power to prevent this from ever happening again.

Even though you did a search for marriage counseling, I'm going to try to convince you that no matter how far gone or hopeless you think your marriage is, marriage counseling is not the answer. "Why?" In marriage counseling, both of you will be discussing all the hurt and pain that has brought you to this point. That isn't going to make you walk out of a marriage counselor's office feeling closer and more connected. If you were in bad shape before going to marriage counseling, wait until you see how cold and distant you'll feel after marriage counseling.

The reason my programs work and are so much more effective than marriage counseling is that you don't rehash old wounds. You don't talk at all. You just listen. By listening to what I have to say, the stories I tell, and the examples I give from my own life, you'll know exactly what to say and do to feel closer and more connected. Most couples, who finally find me and have had years of marriage counseling with no results say, "All you do, week after week is rehash all the past wounds, where your program gives you a fresh start."

The truth is that you too could use a fresh start! If you don't learn how to fulfill each other's needs, then all you will have is continued disappointment and heartache.

When I saw you on Oprah, my husband and I had been in marriage counseling for 8 months. Two years before, our house went into foreclosure and we were forced into bankruptcy. I blamed my husband for his poor decisions and kept punishing him for doing this to me and the kids. The marriage counselor focused on my hostility and his inadequacies. It got us nowhere. Your program helped me focus on the exact opposite; all his good qualities and my love for him. What marriage counseling failed to do in 8 months, your program did in just a few days! Our home is now "rich" with love.

Marriage Counseling Can be Intimidating

When you attend traditional marriage counseling, it is always more difficult for one spouse than it is for the other. While one spouse finds it easy to share their whole life with a stranger, the other feels that their personal life is private. The spouse who is able to express themselves more easily is the one who has the upper hand in marriage counseling. The shy, more private person, is at a disadvantage because they are not comfortable verbalizing their feelings. With my programs, you won't be doing any talking. You will both be listening to your own, individual programs in the privacy of your home or car. Most people find it easy and convenient to listen for 15 minutes while going to and from work. When you are done, you will know why your mate fell in love with you, what went wrong, and exactly what to do and say to make it right and bring back the feelings you had when you first fell in love.

"I knew my marriage was on its last leg. My husband was cold and indifferent to me. We went to marriage counseling and he just sat there counting the minutes till it was over. Since he refused to open up to the marriage counselor, I eventually saw no point to going anymore. Before our last session, the marriage counselor gave us your programs and asked us both to listen to them. My husband was so relieved that he didn't have to go to marriage counseling anymore that he agreed to listen. I saw a change in him almost immediately and every day we got closer and closer. We just got back from Hawaii which was a second Honeymoon for us. I sent the counselor a 'Thank You' note for giving us your programs, but it is you that deserves our gratitude. Although you don't know us, we feel so connected to you and your programs have changed our lives." Penny H. - Hartford, CT

A Marriage Counseling Alternative That Works

Everyday, thousands of men and women hear, "I can't do this anymore!" As painful as those words are, they are the truth. How many times and how many ways does someone have to tell you, "What we are doing isn't working!" So, instead of attending Marriage Counseling, where you will be discussing the past, why not find an alternative to Marriage Counseling that is faster and more effective and moves you forward instead of backwards in time.

It's been my experience over the last 23 years that if your mate was in love with you in the beginning, they can feel like that again, even if you have been told by friends, family and a marriage counselor that there is no hope.

"My wife told me that she didn't love me anymore and was not sure she ever loved me and wanted a divorce. She finally agreed to go for marriage counseling and we went to a highly recommended marriage counselor in our area. He said that he wouldn't waste our time and would let us know in 3 sessions whether our marriage had a chance. After our 3rd session, this marriage counselor told us, "Once the chemistry is gone, you cannot ever get it back. My recommendation is for you the two to get a legal separation that will, in all honesty, lead to divorce." He told me that I had to accept that our marriage was over and we should live separate lives. I have no doubt that had we listened to this counselor, we would be divorced by now. Instead, we found you and realized that we had never stopped loving each other. There was just a lot of "stuff" that had gotten in the way. Your positive approach makes so much sense and it not only affected us as a couple but our children as well." Harvey W - Long Beach, N.Y.

If you would like to improve your marriage without marriage counseling, look no further because you have come to the right place. You will see how passionate I am about saving marriages. I am confident that yours will be the next success story I receive.

Recent studies show that making your mate #1 on your list of priorities not only saves your relationship. It could save your life!

Dr. Dean Ornish, noted researcher and director of the Preventive Institute in Sausalito, California, sites studies proving the healing power of love in his book, Love and Survival.

At Yale, scientists studied 119 men and 40 women who underwent a coronary angiogram to determine the degree of blockage in coronary arteries. According to their findings, patients who felt most loved and supported by their mates experienced substantially less blockage than those who felt isolated fom their partners.

At Case Western Reserve University in Cleveland, researchers studied nearly 10,000 married men with risk factors for angina, a heart condition. These men had high cholesterol, high blood pressure and EKG abnormalities ? perfect candidates for heart disease. Those who answered "yes" to the question, "Does your wife show you her love?" experienced less chest pain, almost half of those responding that their wives didn't show their love.

As Ornish states, "Although diet, blood pressure, and other risk factors play an important role in heart disease and angina, these forces can be significantly moderated by a loving relationship."

So it seems there may be truth in the saying that you can break someone's heart. All the more reason to show your mate your love ? today!

Five Reason Why Sex is Good for Your Health

If you knew about a pill that could give you more energy, fight infection, and prevent heart disease at the same time, would you take it? You probably would. How about receiving all this by engaging in more fun than popping a pill? That's right. We're talking about sex.

If you're reading this and thinking, "How can I get more energy from sex if I'm too tired to have it in the first place?" I have good news for you. The chemical your brain emits during sexual activity is the same chemical emitted whenever you hug, kiss or caress someone. So if having sexual intercourse seems like an unreachable goal at first, take baby steps.

Start by touching your mate. You've got 10 fingers, 2 hands, and 1 imagination. Use all three and you and your partner will be one step closer to feeling healthier. Whether you take baby steps toward sexual intimacy or you jump right into it, here 5 five important benefits:

Better circulation

Stronger heart

Healthier skin

Reduced stress

Stronger immune system

Through the years, I've heard many stories of couples who healed one another through their loving touch. One of the men in my class suffered from chronic sinus headaches. No amount of inhalers, decongestants, or vaporizers equaled what his girlfriend Christine could do by applying loving pressure on his head with her fingertips.

Another student told me how she looked forward every night to lying in bed next to her husband as he lightly stroked her arms. No matter what kind of day she had, she knew her stress would disappear with each loving caress she felt.

The next time you're on your way to the pharmacy for medicine to fight a cold, ask yourself when you last had sex or simply touched your mate. Who knows, increase your sexual intimacy and you might find yourself snuggling in bed with your partner more ? and driving to the drug store less!

I'm sure that your marriage could stand to have a little more fun and be a lot less serious. Often sheer playfulness will cause us to laugh harder than a funny story ever could. In my mind, playfulness includes all of those things you might have done as a kid: snowball fights, pillow fights, tag, hide-and-seek, tickling, dancing and even wrestling. Partners who can be playful with each other have a better chance of staying married than couples who aren't playful.

One of the best laughs I personally ever had was when my husband and I engaged in a round of "Big-Time Wrestling." My husband is six foot two and weighs 195 pounds. I'm five foot six and weigh 125 pounds soaking wet. So many years ago, when I told him that I was going to pin him to the floor so he couldn't get up, you can imagine his terror.

I told him he needed to play by my rules. He had to lie on his back with his arms at his sides, bent at the elbows, and palms up.

"Go for it," he said.

I sat on top of him with my knees pinning his upper arms and my hands holding down his wrists. Right off the bat, I sensed he wasn't trying that hard. So I said, "Come on, you can do better than that, you wimp!" That did it. He got serious and started to really try to lift me up. So then I got serious and tried harder to hold him down, grimacing with the strain.

When he saw the determined look on my face, he knew he was in a war. He started straining himself and that started me laughing. He let out a loud grunt, which made me laugh even harder. Then, with a burst of energy, he was able to turn me over and get on top of me. By now we were both laughing hysterically, wrapped in each other's arms, rolling on the floor.

That little wrestling match remains very vivid in my memory. Life can be so serious so much of the time. By letting go of stress and being playful, we add years to our life and memories that last forever.

I love collecting funny stories and this one was definitely a keeper. It comes from a man who took my advice seriously.

Dear Dr. Ellen,

Your program for men was just what I was looking for to get my marriage of twenty-six years out of the pits. You said you liked to collect stories, so here's how I tried to be less predictable and boring.

My wife and I had just returned from the Bay Area, where we watched sailboats and visited gift shops as part of a mini-vacation. When we got home, my wife worked on her students' report cards in our home office, while I decorated the living room using a sailing theme. I put a blue sheet over the windows for privacy and had it represent the sky. I hauled our mattress from the bedroom and put an oversized beach towel which had the theme of sailboats on it. Then I lit scented candles and placed them nearby. When everything was ready, I took off my clothes, hung three Ping-Pong balls by a string from my "you-know-what," went into our office and presented myself to my wife. I tapped her on the shoulder and when she looked up at me, I said, "You're right. I really am oversexed." Her laughter filled the room as I took her hand and showed her the living room. We pretended we were on board a sailing yacht on the bay at night, just the captain and his first mate, alone under the stars. I proceeded to give her a long massage with scented oil and was very well rewarded for my efforts.

Our do-it-only-in-the-bedroom routine turned into an imaginary voyage that has burned a memory into our minds forever.

Sincerely, Captain on Board (used to be bored)

If you have a story to add to my collection, please write to me and let me know if I can put it on my website. I think that most marriages could stand a little more laughter, playfulness and imagination.

I get calls from men and women who have been in marriage counseling for years. You would think that after years of seeing a marriage counselor they would have the ideal marriage and are only going for fine tuning at this point. I don't know why I am still shocked when I find out that they are worse off today than when they first started marriage counseling. Obviously, commitment to their marriage is definitely not one of their problems; otherwise they wouldn't have agreed to get help.

Think about how committed a couple has to be if they are faithfully coming in week after week, month after month, year after year, to discuss their marriage issues. Yet every day, a committed couple files for divorce because a marriage counselor feels that they have done all they can do and there is no future for them. After all, if a professional marriage counselor gives you this advice, it must be true. My life's work says it's not true.

Here is an email I received from a man who was fed up and wanted an alternative to marriage counseling.

Marriage Counseling Did Not Help After 5 Years

My wife and I have been in marriage counseling for five years and things have gone from bad to rock bottom! We started five years ago. We were having some marriage problems and wanted to get an objective point of view. Well, we have been faithfully coming twice a month and now we are in a position where we are both ready to file for divorce.

It now seems that there are three people in our marriage and we can't seem to make a move without consulting our counselor. I can't tell you how many times a week my wife or I will say, "I need to run this by John.", or "We better not make a decision until we see what John thinks." I realized how insane this whole thing was last week when my company asked me to go to the west coast for a few days to finalize a deal with a new client. My immediate thought was, "I have to check with John to see if he thinks this would take too much time away from the family."

I know it's crazy but I feel that we need to find a therapist that can help us detach from our therapist. My question for you is, that after 5 years, is it time to say goodbye to marriage counseling and fend for ourselves? - Ted

Here was my reply:

Dear Ted: Since you are the one who said that it has gone from "bad to rock bottom," it is clearly time to move on and stop going for marriage counseling. It is a shame that, instead of giving you the tools you needed to solve your problems, your marriage counselor has manipulated you both into thinking that you can't make a move without consulting him. It is the same crippling upbringing that many children get. The goal in child rearing is to give your child roots and then wings. It ought to be the same when couples go for marriage counseling. I am sure that you are not alone and many couples are having the same dilemma. Therefore, my suggestion would be to give the marriage counselor a deadline to end marriage counseling and tell him that you would like a summary of what needs to be done on your own. Perhaps a follow-up session to see how you are doing would help.

Marriage Counseling Alternative Secret

Here is the secret to turning your marriage around. Are you ready? Your thoughts have energy. So, to create what you want, it is important to think that you already have what you want. If your spouse is thinking about separating and that is what they are using their energy for, I want you to counteract that negative energy with three times the amount of positive energy.

I want every waking thought to be about staying together. Every night before you go to bed, think about what you have learned on my CD programs and the changes you are capable of making. Then picture yourself executing my homework assignments and your mate reacting in a positive way. Every evening before going to bed, picture you and your spouse laughing and enjoying each other's company. Be as detailed as you can. To help you, you can bring up the past when you were truly happy and content. Lastly, picture looking into each other's eyes and imagine the same passion that you used to feel. Repeat this exercise before you get up in the morning.

For your situation to change, your energy, your thoughts and your actions must all be focused on the outcome you are seeking. Do not pay attention to any negative thoughts. If one comes up, then override it with a positive thought. For example, if you have the following thought; "It is only a question of time before my mate walks out the door." Talk back to that thought and say, "That is not true. Once they see the change in me, they are going to want to be with me forever!"

It is also so important to be surrounded by people who are positive and supportive of your marriage because their thoughts affect you as well. If you are working with a professional and they believe that it is going to be difficult to save this marriage, stop going to this individual! If your friends, co-workers and family begin bashing your mate, it's only because of what you have told them in the past. Change what you tell them and they too will change their thoughts.

I hope you will join me on an incredible journey that will prove to everyone you know, that it is never too late to turn your marriage around.

How do you communicate with someone who slams doors, kicks cabinets, gives dirty looks, rolls their eyes or resorts to the silent treatment as a means of communication?

You may choose to ignore the whole thing, figuring it will soon blow over. Or, you may ask, "What's wrong?" and when your mate responds, "Nothing," the conversation is over. Unfortunately, neither of these methods of dealing with nonverbal expressions of anger does anything to increase communication and intimacy, but the following method does seem to work:

First, you have to be willing to commit five minutes of your time to breaking through the barrier. You begin with the same question you usually ask: "What's wrong?"

This time, however, when get the usual answer ? "Nothing" ? you're not going to drop it. Instead say: "Please tell me what's wrong. I know something is bothering you."

Once again, the answer you get will probably be is, "I told you. Nothing is wrong."

This is when it begins to get tough. Every bone in your body is telling you to leave well enough alone - it's not worth it! Yes, it is. Keep going. The fact that you are spending so much time and effort shows your mate that you really care.

By now you are about three minutes into this monologue. This time you say, "Please tell me what's wrong. I know you are upset. I must have done something to hurt you, but unless you tell me what it is, I'll never be able to do anything about it."

Your mate begins to weaken.

Here's your final attempt. I want you to say, "Please, please, tell me what's wrong, so I can make it up to you. You are the most important person in my life, and I love you with all my heart. Sometimes I can be so insensitive to you, and I just have to know what I did to cause you this pain."

Stick with this until you get an answer, no matter how discouraged you become. The alternative is worse. Living with a person who is angry and distant is no fun. This way, your mate will eventually cave in. It really will only take about five minutes and it will be over, and both of you will feel better.

While we're on the subject of non verbal communication, I want to caution you to watch your own nonverbal messages. You can send a negative message without saying a word. For example:

Your wife is talking to you. Your eyes never leave the newspaper. The message you send is, "I'm not interested in what you have to say. This newspaper is more interesting."

Your husband is telling a story you've heard many times before. You begin to just roll your eyes. The message you send is, "You are so boring. Here we go again."

You've just mad love and you are silent. The message you send is, "That was no big deal; certainly not worth talking about."

Your mate is telling you about an incident she experienced that day, and you look at your watch. The message you send is, "Hurry up and finish. I have more important things to do."

Sometimes it's not what you say, but what you don't say, that hurts.

If you have a story to add to my collection, please write to me and let me know if I can put it on my website. I think that most marriages could stand a little more laughter, playfulness and imagination.

Dear Dr. Ellen: My husband was transferred to another state and we have to move out of our old house within the next three months. Trying to get my two kids, ages 12 and 14 to help is next to impossible. We have been in this house for years and there is so much we still need to do before moving. Do you have any suggestions on how to motivate two unmotivated kids when it comes to pitching in to help? - Sarah

Dear Sarah: The Cosby show once had an episode involving his youngest daughter, Rudy, who refused to eat her brussel sprouts. After much coaxing and pleading Mr. Cosby became annoyed. He told Rudy that she could not get up from the dinner table unless she ate her brussel sprouts, and he didn't care if it took all night and all the entire next day. He and his wife went upstairs and got ready for an evening out. Rudy continued sitting at the dinner table with the sprouts on her plate. After a while her older sister came in with her friends. They rearranged the furniture and rolled up the rug. When Rudy sked what they were doing, her sister told her that they were going to dance. Rudy asked if she could dance, too, and her sister said, "Sure you finish all your brussel sprouts." She had hardly finished the sentence before Rudy had eaten all of it. The point is, we all want to know what is in it for us if we do what someone else wants us to do. For Rudy, the reward of getting up from the table wasn't enough for her to endure the torture of eating the brussel sprouts, but the chance to dance with her sister and her friends was enough motivation.

Your children are upset because they don't want to leave their friends and would prefer to stay where they are. In order to get them to help, you will have to think of something that would be a great reward. For example: Encourage them to contribute things they want to get rid of in a family garage sale and put whatever money you make toward a vacation. Ask them for some suggestions as to where they would like to go. If money is an issue, it could be a recreational day at a theme park. The money could also be used to buy them something they have been wanting. Another idea is to tell them that once the garage is cleaned they can have a big going away party. It's not a bribe. The point is to find out what they would enjoy as a reward for the hard work that lies ahead for all of you. - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: My husband and I have been married for 8 years and we have two beautiful children, ages 5 and 2. About a year ago my husband lost his job and went into a deep depression. At the same time, a guy at work started paying attention to me. He'd come by my desk, telling me how beautiful I was and how lucky my husband was to have a wife like me. Well, I had an affair with this guy. I felt so guilty that I wound up telling my husband. What a big mistake! I should tell you that my husband is a great father, a wonderful lover and a great husband. We split up for a time but are now back together. So here's my problem. My husband is driving me crazy. One minute he wants to do everything and anything for me; the housework, take care of the kids, buy me flowers and is romantic, which I love. The next minute he's talking about the guy I had an affair with, accusing me of still seeing him or sleeping with someone else. Dr. Ellen, I'm not, but his jealousy is driving me crazy! He wants to know where I am every minute of the day and calls me if I have to work late. I know he doesn't believe me when I say I made a big mistake and I want our marriage to work. What should I do? - Julie

Dear Julie: First of all, you did make a big mistake! I know you had the affair at a time when your husband wasn't giving you any emotional fulfillment, wasn't paying attention to you because he was so wrapped up in his own misery. You were vulnerable and so this other man looked like your Knight in Shining Armor. But what you did violated your marriage vows and deeply hurt your husband. I know you want his forgiveness immediately but it's going to take a long time before that's going to happen. Time and your reassurance over and over again is what will make this marriage heal. You'll have to keep telling him how much you love him and how sorry you are. I know it's going to feel like a broken record but it's the price you're going to have to pay for what you did. He will eventually forgive you if he hears it enough times but understand this - he will never forget what happened! Both of you can use this crisis in your life to build a more loving, caring and nurturing relationship, but it's going to take time. - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: I would like to know - what is romance? You see, my wife has told me that I should be more romantic, and instead of ignoring her, I decided to give it a try. I said to my wife "So tell me what kind of romantic things you like so I can do them." Her reply was "If I tell you that such and such is romantic, and then you do that, then it won't be romantic anymore." Help. Please explain this romance thing to me. - Darren

Dear Darren: I always tell women to stop thinking men have ESP and can read your mind. Women are very intuitive and can read someone's mind but most men don't have a clue and have to be told what you want. They really do appreciate knowing what turns you on. If you are lucky enough to have a man that asks you what romantic things he can do for you, tell him! When I taught men's classes, I used to put the word, "ROMANCE" on the blackboard and ask them if they thought of themselves as romantic. Most of them thought I was asking them if they were good in bed. Of course, they all said, "yes". But to a woman, romance is spending time with her. When I put the word "ROMANCE" on the board in my women's class, the comments were about dancing close together, cuddling, holding hands while talking long walks, candlelight dinners, etc. In other words, most men are X-rated, and most women are PG. Men need sexual fulfillment in order to respond to a woman emotionally and women need emotional fulfillment in order to respond sexually. So, my advice to you is to ask your wife for a date next Saturday night. Take her out to dinner and a show. Come back home and put on some romantic music and ask her to dance. Run a bubble bath for her and tell her to relax and take as much time as she needs and when she's ready, you'll brush her hair and give her a massage from head to toe. That's romance! - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: I am holding a lot of anger and resentment towards my husband's family, particularly his father. My husband's dad treats him as if he is nothing. He seems as if he almost hates him. My husband became the "man of the house" at the age of 10 when his father had an accident and was confined to a wheelchair. I believe that is where his father's hostility towards my husband lies. Anyway, my anger and resentment towards his father is affecting our marriage and is only hurting my husband, however, I don't know how to control it. What should I do? - Jackie

Dear Jackie: It has to be very hard to see someone that you love treated so poorly by his father. Your husband sounds like a saint, having taken care of his father since he was 10. My guess is that you have already told your husband of the pain and resentment you feel seeing him being treated so poorly and he chooses to live with it rather than say something. You have no control over your husband's relationship with his family. You can only control your relationship with them. Remember, what you DON'T see can't upset you. I think that you need to distance yourself so you don't see how they are treating him. Tell your husband that you will no longer accompany him on family visits because it hurts to see someone you love being poorly treated and not appreciated. If he's on the phone talking to a family member, you leave the room so you don't hear the conversation. I think you'll find that your anger and resentment should subside. There is nothing wrong with your husband telling his parents the truth about why you are not there. If you are really brave, you could tell them yourself. Obviously, what I would hope for would be that your husband eventually confronts his father and asks him to be more respectful and kinder otherwise he will lose a son as well as a daughter-in-law and it will be his father's fault. Don't put your husband down and criticize him for not confronting his father right now. It will come in time. Make sure you give him all the praise, respect and admiration you can. Tell him how much you value him and you will not listen or watch anyone who doesn't! - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: My husband just walked out the door and told me that he didn't want a Valentine's card from me this year because he's sick and tired of my critical nature. It's true. He never seems to get upset at me but for some reason so many things about him annoy me. We've been married for 6 years and have a 2 year old and a 4 year old. I've been crying about what he said all morning and don't know what to do. I know he'll be upset if I get him a card and I'll be upset if I don't. - Meg

Dear Meg: To keep love alive, you have to be able to make your husband feel good about himself. When you first fell in love all you saw were his wonderful qualities. That's why they say, "Love is Blind." Unfortunately, as time goes you get so caught up in the business of raising children and the daily routine of life that you often focus more on what's wrong with a person than what's right. Honor his request and don't get a card. Instead, sit down and write him a love letter and include all the reasons why you love him. Before you do this I want you to really think about all the qualities you saw in him when you first fell in love. To help you shift from your present negative thinking to positive thinking, I want you to ask yourself these two questions:

1) How would someone else who has just fallen head over heels in love with my mate view the same personality traits that have begun to irritate me?

2) If my mate had only one more day to live, what would I be focusing on?

Remember there are at least two ways to view every personality trait, from a positive or negative viewpoint. I'll give you some examples. If you view your mate as unenthusiastic, another way of looking at it is that he is often patient, consistent and low-key. If you see your mate as indecisive, he's probably flexible, open-minded and philosophical. If he's disorganized, he's probably spontaneous, creative and multifaceted. If he's rigid, he's probably dependable, consistent and responsible. I hope you see my point. Everyone deserves to feel good about themselves when they are with you.

Then, after you are done with the love letter, make some love coupons and give them to him. If you don't have the time to do it by tomorrow, you can still use the idea for another occasion - the day you met, his birthday, or a no occasion gift. Somewhere write - "More valuable than money is my gift of LOVE to you. Because you are so special, you are worth my time, my energy and my effort."

Some ideas for coupons -

1. A morning of rest. Sleep as long as you want followed by breakfast in bed.

2. A soothing bubble bath followed by a massage from head to toe, guaranteed to relax that wonderful body of yours.

3. A lunch date at the restaurant of your choice. We'll enjoy the pleasure of each other's company. Who knows where we'll have "dessert"!

4. A steamy shower for two - guaranteed to make you feel clean "all over".

5. A shopping spree for the "nightie" of your choice. Let your imagination run wild and let me be your fantasy.

6. King for a day. You pick the day and your every wish will be my command.

7. One passionate evening in the room of your choice!

8. A snuggle date in bed. A day to watch T.V. and eat in bed. Nothing to do but relax in each other's arms.

9. Kiss and make-up session. If I have upset you in any way, just present this coupon and I'll listen to you, make it up to you and also say, "I'm sorry".

10. A 10-second kiss. You pick the time, day or night, and we will engage in a passionate 10-second kiss. I want to show you that, not only do I love you, but that I am still "in love" with you. Happy Valentine's Day! - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: It's been a long time since my husband and I have been away on any kind of vacation without the kids. We have 4 children, ages 11, 9, 6 and 3. My husband is a salesman by profession and has won a two week vacation to France for both of us. My parents have offered to baby-sit. I know it's a chance of a lifetime, but I have never left my kids for such a long time and so far away. What makes it even harder, was that when we told the kids about the trip, my six-year-old stormed out of the room and the nine-year-old started to cry. They couldn't believe that we were going without them. My husband wants to go but I'd feel too guilty. What do you think? - Sharon

Dear Sharon: Children know exactly how to make you feel guilty and get what they want. They are the masters of this game. Children are very self-centered and believe that the whole world should revolve around them. It's up to you, as a parent, to teach them that this is not the case. If you are waiting for your children's permission to have a vacation that doesn't include them, forget it! You'll be old and gray before it happens. Children do not know what's good for them, you do. I know they want you home all the time, but they also want fast food every night for dinner. So, in spite of what they want, the last thing they need is unhappy parents who sacrifice everything for the sake of the child and then wind up divorced. The best gift you ever give your children is a loving relationship with your husband. The happiest, most well adjusted kids come from a home where mommy and daddy love each other. So feel the guilt and book that vacation. BON VOYAGE - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: It has been 4 months since my husband left me. I was shocked and devastated when he told me that he had been having an affair for 6 months. I could not believe that he was throwing away 10 years of marriage, not to mention the pain he was causing our 8 and 10-year old children. I purchased your tapes and now I see why he had the affair and what I should have done differently. I admit that all my focus was on my children and my work. We had practically no sex life. My question is "Is it too late to patch this up. He has not filed for divorce and hasn't brought the topic up. He comes over to see the kids on weekends. It seems like he's staying longer and it's getting harder to leave. I feel like sometimes we are getting closer and then he'll still leave. I often wonder what she says to him- how she must be dreading the thought of him leaving her to come back to his family. I am so unsure what to do. I love him so very much and I want to grow old with this man. Thank you so much - Christine

Dear Christine: The only thing you can do, now that you are not living together, is to make the time count when he comes over to visit. Act happy, independent and busy with your life. Act like someone who he'd want to have an affair with. Do not be depressed and needy. I don't care if your heart is breaking, don't let him see that side anymore. When he says it's time to leave, say, "Okay, thanks for coming by" and seem anxious for him to leave or better yet, the next time, you make it a point to cut the visit short because you have plans. The point is that your behavior has been so predictable and I'd like you to be UNPREDICTIBLE. Then he'll start to wonder what's going on. Maybe you've met someone? Have an air of mystery to you. The more time he spends with you, the more angry the other woman will get and he'll get tired of her moods. You have to act like the other woman. Compliment him, talk to him, treasure the little time you have together and make it count, then sweetly kiss him goodbye. No accusations, no making him feel guilty, and no pathetic, or sad behavior. The more fun you are to be with, and a pleasure to talk to, the less time he'll want to spend with the other woman. It may take some time, but you can do this! - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: My husband of 2 1/2 years walked out on me on January 31, with just a "Please forgive me" written on the back of our wedding picture. I was devastated to find out that he was living with a 24 year old. (He's 27 & I'm 40). The affair has been going on for quite sometime, right in front of me, in public. When I asked him why, all he said was that she could give him one thing that I couldn't - children. I have no problem in that category. Since he's been with her, he has been speaking to me up until a few days ago, when I made the choice for him. What should I do? I love this man, and I know he still loves me. Should I wait until he finds out that the grass isn't greener on the other side or should I close this door and wait for another to open? I'm not a spring chicken anymore. Help! - Rita

Dear Rita: It is not very often that I respond to someone so harshly but I'm hoping to really shake you up. YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS! It's time to think about what's best for Rita. You mentioned that your husband had been seeing this girl for "quite some time." You've only been married for 2 1/2 years! Unfortunately, you married a "boy," not a man. This boy wants you to forgive him. Why should you? He is lacking honesty, integrity, and courage, all qualities that are part of a man with character. Trust is one of the most important aspects of a relationship and without it you can't build a life together. The man you are describing cannot be trusted. That is a function of his basic character and not his age. There is a saying, "Actions speak louder than words." What does it matter if a man tells his wife how much he loves her, and then abuses her everyday either verbally or physically? What does it matter if a father tells his daughter how much he loves her and then abandons her? What does it matter if a boy tells his girlfriend how much he cares about her but only has sex with her and never takes her out on a real date?

You say, "I know he loves me." His ACTIONS are not indicative of a man who loves you. My definition of "love" is, when someone else's happiness and well-being is just as important as your own. Do you really think that your husband is concerned with your well-being? When you asked him why he was having the affair, the answer he should have given you was, "Because I am a liar, a cheat and a coward and all I care about is myself." Now THAT answer I can work with, not his poor excuse for cheating. Also his writing, "I'm sorry," on the back of your wedding picture was cruel and insensitive.

You ended your email to me with, "I'm no spring chicken anymore." Well, 40 is not over the hill! You have a lot to offer someone even if you don't believe that right now. Take some time now to take care of yourself and grieve your loss. Close the door on this chapter of your life. You are still young enough to find a man who adores you and has good morals and values.

In time you will realize that you deserve to have a man who loves you with all his heart and don't you dare settle for anything less. Good luck! - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: My husband and I have been together 8 yrs. We have been married 2 of those 8 yrs. We have known each other for about 20 yrs. His father died suddenly about 4 months ago. His sisters and his step-mom agreed to sign everything over to him. We have another house that is in my name from before we started living together. He has decided that he doesn't want to be married anymore. But still wants us to live together. He said that he's controlling things now and it's his way or the highway. I love this man and I had planned on spending the rest of my life with him. I just don't understand what he thinks will be different if we are not married. I don't want to take steps backward. I want our future to go forward. He said that I'm the one who is throwing this away. I told him, he gave me no choice. I don't want to go back to living together but not married. Should I give his way a chance or accept the fact that we won't be together anymore? - Patty

Dear Patty: Most women who write to me seem to underestimate their value in the relationship. You have been part of his daily life for 8 years. You are going to have to take the chance that you mean more to him than he even he realizes, and if not, then it's time to take the highway. How happy and joyful do you think you will be if he files for divorce and you continue to live together? My guess is that you will become cold, distant and unresponsive as soon as that happens. We all have an inner guide that tells us what to do. I know yours is telling you that his new arrangement won't work. You need to follow your guide and not his. All of a sudden he wants to be a free man? I don't think so. I think he knows that if he just asks for a divorce without giving you any hope of staying together, you may go after his newly acquired assets. If he banks on you being the weak, "whatever you say dear" type of woman, he'll have the freedom to see other women, go anywhere he chooses without answering to you, and keep all his assets to himself. You are going to have to take a very deep breath and do what your heart tells you to do. I know you think you can't live without him, but what you don't know at this point is that he probably can't live without you as well. You both stood at the alter and vowed to stay married, "till death do you part" and for him to break that vow means he does not want to spend the rest of his life with you as husband and wife. He wants to spend just enough time and give you just enough hope so that you don't cost him anything in a divorce settlement. My advice is to go to a lawyer immediately and see what you are entitled to receive. I think you will see that he is asking you to agree to a very one-sided arrangement where he has only his own best interests at heart. - Dr. Ellen

Hello Dr. Ellen: What do you think about wives taking pictures of themselves for their husbands, to let them know what they have? Or is this asking for trouble? I happened to find out that my husband had recently looked at several revealing pictures of women on an internet auction. So I confronted him about it and I feel we're ok as long as it's not something that happens again. I should have emailed you then, to see why guys do that and how we should handle it. That was not his nature at all but they weren't horrible pictures either, even though it really hurt me that he saw what he saw and didn't come to me for it. Well, I'm quite interested to know how you feel about all this. Thanks, your student. - Jennifer

Dear Jennifer: The Internet is addicting and men have to use a lot of self-control to stay away from it. There is so much spam going on now and adult sites are sending unsolicited material right to everyone's email address. Many men cannot help but take a peek and before they know it, they are hooked. I am getting so many emails now from women who have caught their husbands spending time on adult sites. Ages ago, a man had to resort to going into a "sleazy" store in an undesirable part of town to buy an adult video. Then, when video stores became main stream, they kept the adult movies out of site, in the back of the store. The fear of someone seeing you was enough to prevent most married men from renting that type of video. Now, in the privacy of your home, it is difficult for men to stay away and understand why it hurts their partner so much. They don't consider it cheating and most women do.

Most men enjoy looking at beautiful women and get pleasure out of seeing them in magazines and on the Internet. However, once a man falls in love and gets married, he has more than himself to consider. My definition of true love is, "When someone else's happiness and well-being is just as important as your own." Hopefully, now that you have now told him how unhappy his behavior made you feel, he'll respect that. I know he wouldn't be very happy if you were viewing the same thing with men online. The truth is that if he continues this behavior, you will turn into an angry, cold, bitter and unresponsive woman.

A mature and loving man knows that he has to sacrifice certain things for the sake of a marriage. When you become parents there are even more sacrifices for the sake of the children. You may want to "party" till 4:00 a.m. but, if you are a responsible and loving parent, you know that your child needs you to be alert the next day, so you don't! If looking at naked women hurts your partner, then you simply control your impulses and don't do it!

I think taking the glamour shots or what they call "boudoir photography" is a great idea. It's a wonderful experience. You'll be shocked at how classy and sexy you'll look. You can present it to your husband with a cute note that says, "For Your Eyes Only." - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: I am 34 and my husband is 30. We were married nearly 2 years ago. My husband is also sober 15 years, thanks to AA. When we first got together nearly 3 years ago, our income levels were close, but in the last 2 years my income has tripled. In the last year my husband decided that he did not like what he was doing as a CPA and wanted to try something else. I was totally supportive and encouraged him to find whatever line of work would make him happy. He found a business idea and bought a new truck, all the supplies, memberships and insurance. Three months later he hated it and decided to sell the business because it was not what he wanted to do. I was ok with that, too. I have come to realize that he does not know what he wants to do but I see that as his issue. My job is to support him in any path he chooses. What I am having a hard time with is that he has started seeing a counselor. This person gave him homework to come home last week and talk to me about what is giving him such anxiety. He came home from the counselor to tell me that I have caused all of his anxiety because he is so worried about not earning as much as I do. He said that if I do not love him solely for the man he is and not for the income he has potential to make, that I have married the wrong guy. I told him that I do love him, whatever he makes, that I know and trust that he has TONS of potential and that he is his worst critic. Amidst all of this, he also wants to start a family which I too want, just not right now when I feel like everything is unbalanced. He asked if he could be a stay at home Dad. That was when I got upset. I told him that it would not be all right with me. I would feel cheated and resentful and that is something I have waited all my life to do even if it is only for a few months. Over the last few days, I realized that I am angry because I feel like I'm being punished for being successful in my career by the man I have so unselfishly and unconditionally supported. Can you shed some light on what I should do? Thank you! - Wendy

Dear Wendy: I think it is admirable that your husband had the courage to quit his job and try his hand at a business he thought would be successful. There is also no shame that he recognized early on that he made a mistake. It's also quite natural for him to have anxiety over making another wrong decision. Certainly a good counselor would validate his feelings and help him through this difficult transition period. It is hard for me to believe that he is seeing someone who is actually supporting the notion that your husband's anxiety is your fault. That is inconceivable to me after what you have written to me. Assuming it is the truth, it is obvious that you have been a very supportive and nurturing wife. Your husband should be so appreciative of having a woman who has been a true partner contributing, not only financially, but emotionally, to his well-being. You seem to have had only his best interests at heart. Of course you feel angry, frustrated and confused about getting blamed for his decisions and choices. It is not your fault and if he continues down this path, he will destroy the love you have for him.

You cannot be silent about this. You must tell him how much this has hurt you. You can validate his feelings by letting him know that you understand how awful it is to have his dreams shattered and how difficult it is to find the strength to go on. But you will not accept being the scapegoat.

He has gone through some disappointment and it will take a little time and lots of love and encouragement from you until he gets control of his life again. I have no doubt that a man who has been sober for 15 years and became a CPA, knows the meaning of commitment and dedication. He's just a little off track and needs to continually hear how much you believe in him.

Do not, however, bring a child into this world until you have a perfect understanding of what your roles will be. You have to decide on whether this is a deal breaker for you or not. If you are forced to work because he has chosen not to, then you will resent him and your child will suffer. Don't give any mixed messages here by saying one thing and really wanting another. If this has been your lifetime dream, you cannot agree to give it up. Make sure he is very clear that you will not work when the baby is born, period. So, if he really wants to be a stay-at-home dad, he will have to wait until you are ready to go back to work. You may decide on a few months or a few years. You can't take an opinion poll on this. This is a very personal decision. - Dr. Ellen

Hello Dr. Ellen: I have been married now for 6 months and have known my wife for 7 years. We are both 30 years old. During this time we have had our normal ups and downs and have been able to successfully work through them, usually after a day or so. I love my wife dearly and we have been talking about having kids and have just moved into a brand new house.

All of this has fallen apart lately. About 4 weeks ago we had a seemingly innocent conversation about our sexual history and about the number of partners we have slept with. We had a similar conversation 7 years ago and I was given a vague answer of 3 or 4 partners. We have built a life of great memories together so far and I have found her to be a great person who loves me, does not smoke or do drugs, hardly drinks and is no longer into the nightclub scene. Growing up, one of the things I had come to value in a partner is the ability to abstain from sex until marriage. My wife is very pretty and growing up in Australia, I was prepared to accept that she has had a sexual past. Anyway, at the end of the conversation, she had admitted that she had about 11 partners and when pressed, she admitted to 14. (all in a 3 year span)! When the conversation pressed on, I found out that she had had 1 night stands and used to pick up guys at nightclubs that she frequented. Now I look back at all her stories about nightclubbing and her flirting while drunk (in my presence) to the point of hugging and kissing those around her as a reminder of how she is (or was). If this is the number she did sleep with, what about the near misses! She has also had unprotected sex on occasions and has only recently had laser surgery to remove a wart virus (which affected our sex life). I cannot help but be horrified by her promiscuous past and have got very depressed about the details of her encounters. I have had sex myself but I was in long term relationships and had no where near the partners she has had. Now I cannot look at her and feel the same closeness that we have been used to. I cannot help but visualize all the guys having sex with her, sometimes as we are doing it. Horrible thoughts enter my head as I look at her and sometimes refer to her in my head as a "slut". I have not come across anything in my life as hard to overcome and have certainly not had to seek help before for anything. Sometimes I feel like getting even by sleeping around (I have thought about it only). I can't help but feel that maybe I missed out in my younger years by not having slept with a lot of women.

I feel that she has been able to experiment sexually and I haven't and it makes me feel a lot of hurt, jealousy and insecurity. We had such a big fight about our difference of opinion on this that we mentioned divorce already. We are hanging on desperately trying to find a way to solve this without leaving each other. I hope this reaches you and you can help. - Lance

Dear Lance: You can bet that in any long-term relationship, sooner or later, some unforeseen past event will wreck havoc in your life. It has simply come sooner in your marriage, rather than later. This is your test and I really hope that you don't fail. Your wife opened up to you because it has probably been haunting her for a long time and she feels guilty not telling you the truth.

There is no such thing as a "seemingly innocent conversation about our sexual history," and quite frankly I am surprised you didn't know that a conversation like that would bring up things that could potentially hurt you. Many men have lovingly stated that they didn't want to know anything about ex-lovers because they intuitively knew that it would serve no purpose and would affect them negatively. It was not fair of you to make it seem safe for her to share her past with you, and then reject her for being honest.

She trusted you and now you are making her feel sorry that she did. If you continue this, she'll never open herself up again to you. She took a leap of faith and was completely honest with you about her past. If you are not understanding and sympathetic now, it may be the last time she ever takes that chance again. The past is over and it cannot be changed. Most of us come into a relationship with excess baggage, things we would like to change and experiences we wish had never happened. Your tenderness and love has the ability to heal her wounds and make her feel whole again. Don't waste this opportunity. It's a gift you can give her for the rest of your life together.

She needs a husband who loves her for the woman she is today. The most important words a woman can hear when she has shared something from her past that she is not proud of, is, "I love you, no matter what! Your past is over and it has nothing to do with the present or the future."

If you are not up to the task, then she really will be better off without you. She will not be able to live with someone who has disgust for her. The worst thing you can do, is stay married and then make her feel bad and guilty for something that cannot be changed. Today, as you said in your email, you have a woman who loves you, does not smoke or do drugs, hardly drinks and is no longer into the nightclub scene. I think after reading this email, you had better take her in your arms tonight and tell her how far she has come, how proud you are to be her husband, and what a wonderful mother she will be in the future. If you don't, I can guarantee that you will be searching for another perfect woman who doesn't exist. - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: I would like to know the best way to handle a religion difference in our marriage. We have a 3 year old boy. I am not a Christian and my husband is. I would not feel comfortable with him taking our son to church although I know my husband can do what he wants and teach him what he wants. I would like to take him to Jewish classes with me and this is how I am raising him (our son). What do I do when he wants to take our son to church? What do we tell our son about the religious differences? Can I take him with me? - Carla

Dear Carla: This is definitely a personal issue that should have been discussed before you got married and certainly before having a child. I know that most clergy believe that a child should be raised believing in one religion. I have always felt that this is only possible to do if one of the parents does not have strong religious beliefs. Then it is easier to agree to raise the child believing in their spouse's religion. Spouses may decide to convert because they don't have strong feelings about their own religion and because their mate does, it may become a condition of marriage.

From your email it is apparent that both of you care about your son being exposed to each religion. Asking either of you to give up your place of worship or your method of worshiping God would rob each of you of your own belief system. I believe that a child should be raised knowing who his parents are. Therefore, explain to him that both mommy and daddy love God but we pray to him in different ways. That happens to be the truth. I also see nothing wrong with you and your son accompanying your husband to his place of worship and visa versa. Teach your child that when he is questioned about his religion, he should say "I am half Jewish because my mom is Jewish and half Christian because my Dad is Christian. So, I get to celebrate both religious holidays."

When your son is old enough he may decide that he prefers one religion over another. Until that time comes, expose him to the joys of both.

If I were you, I'd have a Christmas tree trimmed in blue tinsel and a Jewish star at the top. That will serve as a symbol for the love and respect that two different people have for one another. - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: I need advice regarding my relationship with my husband. I am married for 8 years. My problem is that I work swing shift and every other weekend. I always try to be nice and polite with my husband but when I am not around he does things behind my back. He is nice and patient with me but he does things like spends too much money on his family and then tells me after a week or month that he did that and is upset. His family accepts too much from him and he doesn't know how to say, "No". Last Saturday I was at work and he invited his family over our house. I feel uncomfortable when he told me that they were over when I was at work. Please help. I am so miserable. I told him at first that it was nice that they came over but he doesn't know that I feel it's not appropriate when I am not home. I understand that it's his mom, brother and sisters but it would be nice they came over when I am home. - Dana

Dear Dana: Obviously your husband knows what your reaction will be so he postpones telling you the truth as long as he can. There are only 2 reasons why people lie. Either they do not want to get into trouble or they don't want to hurt someone's feelings. I think the first one applies here. I'm sure that in the past he must have told you what he was doing for the family and received a negative reaction. So, the next time he hides it from you.

I am glad you said, "That is nice" because that is the appropriate response to your husband. He is not a child who is not allowed to bring people over when you are not at home. I see nothing wrong with a grown man inviting his family over on a Saturday. He is probably very lonely with you working swing shifts and every other weekend, which, by the way, is not good for a marriage. When two people hardly spend time together and are "2 ships passing in the night" there is a good chance that one or the other is going to crave companionship of some kind. I think you should be happy that it is his family.

As for giving too much to his family, you married a man who is responsible, generous and dedicated to his family. I am sure you knew this right from the beginning.

Family is very important to him. He may act upset when he tells you because he knows you'll be upset as well. If you force him to do or give less you will have a husband who deeply resents you. If you make him choose between you and his family, I feel that you will lose in the end. You should be letting your husband know how lucky his family is having a son like him and how proud you are of him. - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: My new husband's niece is getting married and his brother and his wife talked freely about hiring a stripper for her party. I find the idea of bachelor & bachelorette parties disturbing, degrading and undermining the marriage commitment rather than innocent fun. I feel that expressing my opinion would invite other people to judge me as prudish, which I am not. I know that I could simply make excuses and not attend for myself but my husband will attend and it is upsetting to me. I have written a letter and would like your opinion. I'm hoping to convey the depth of my feelings, without being offensive. - Natasia

Dear Jake: I need to talk with you about the upcoming bachelor parties. As you might expect from knowing me, I have very strong feelings about this. I don't feel it is a simple matter of a night out, but rather one of serious issues of respect, morals and values, and of the sanctity of marriage. It is hard for me to put into words what it means to me if you feel a need to attend these, to entertain yourself in this way.

I suspect you probably did not have this problem with your ex-wife. I know women who deal with these feelings by acting as badly as they can at their own parties, but that is just as degrading to all concerned.

You probably wonder about my ex-husband. He did not attend any after his own. I almost didn't go through with our wedding because I felt we had a lack of shared values. I consulted my friend's husband who was an adult psychiatrist about my feelings at that time and he told me I was right to be concerned. Well, I just had to make you aware of my feelings. I love you. - Natasia

Dear Natasia: You cannot change the way you feel. All you can do is voice your opinion and hope that your husband acknowledges your feelings and respects them. You definitely should be true to yourself and if someone judges you, so be it. You are not alone. Many women have written to me and told me how upset they were about their future husband having a bachelor party that included a stripper. The best you can hope for is that your husband will only be an observer and not a participant out of respect for his marriage.

I really believe that if you send your letter to your husband you will not get the reaction you are looking for and he will be very upset. First of all, men become very defensive when being compared to other men. So, explaining what your ex did is not going to do anything but get him annoyed. Then, when he finds out that you were talking about him behind his back, the fact that your friend's husband sided with you and validated your feelings, will drive a further wedge between the two of you.

In my program I deal with the differences between men and women and explain that men are X-rated and women are PG rated. Therefore, many women would agree with you but I also feel that many men would agree with your husband. They simply don't see anything wrong with it. Most men who has a bachelor party today have a stripper or they all go to a strip club. The truth is that your husband would attend this party whether there was a stripper or not. He is going there to support his friend. I really think if you insist that he not go, he'll resent you and may go anyway.

I think a great relationship is built on caring, commitment, communication, and COMPROMISE, COMPROMISE and COMPROMISE! One of the things you have to do is to set up the conditions that will lead to a compromise. So, your letter needs to be about YOUR feelings and not the fact that your ex only went to his own party. Your husband will say, "Oh, I see, he's better than me - maybe you should have stayed with him!" Next, you are telling him that an expert thinks you're right and he's wrong. That's great, but all that proves is that you discuss your personal issues with other people instead of first talking about it with your husband. That will make him feel awful and his reaction might be, "You talked about me and what I was doing, to an expert behind my back?"

So, here's my suggestion: "We have a problem that we need to solve and I want us to come up with a solution that we can both live with." You are letting your husband know that you want this to be win-win for both of you rather than "I win and you lose." Stick to the problem you are trying to solve. Let him know exactly how you feel and maybe the compromise is that he will go, but promises not to touch or be touched. He definitely should provide you with that assurance and stick to it. I hope trust is not an issue between the two of you. When you write him this letter, ask yourself this question, "Keeping in mind that my mate is the most important person in my life, how can I solve this conflict and still validate my mate's feelings without discounting my own?"

I know that compromising isn't the perfect solution. Both of you will have to settle for less than what you want but it's still better than a brilliant solution where one person wins and the other feels cheated or dominated. - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: I'm married and have two boys ages 11 and 12 who both have A.D.D. I work three, 12 hr. night shifts. I work nights in order to try to be home for my children on their return from school so I can help them with their homework which they really need. My husband works during the day so one parent is always home in an effort to try to keep consistency with the boy's schedule. My dilemma is this. I'm feeling squeezed because of my parent's situation. I am an only child. My dad has been very sick for 7 years with Alzheimer's. I have made every effort to try to be there for my mother throughout these years. The more I do for her the more she demands. I was spending more time with my parents than my own family. I then began to feel that I was not good at anything. When I was with my parents I was riddled with guilt that I was not with my children and visa versa. My mom has the finances to care for my dad and I helped setup full-time help in her home and also helped her with renovating their home for handicap access so my dad could be cared for at home. My mother will not let my dad go to a nursing home for care and insists on taking care of him. It's great that she wants to do this but I live an hour away and can't be there all the time. My dad is getting good care and I have tried to get my mom into a support group but she refuses to go. She expects me to help more. I cannot give anymore than I am right now. I stopped going over there 3 to 4 times a week and now go once or twice a week. Recently my aunt told me in confidence that after my father dies my mother is planning to write me off. I was very hurt and being around my mom is like walking on egg shells. You have to watch what you say or there is an explosion. I don't call her anymore because all she does is yell at me and hangs up. I feel sorry for her but I have a family to raise and need to be there for them. I just wish I could do it guilt-free and not constantly feel torn. I feel such a weight on my shoulders and I feel like I'm drowning. I wake up in the middle of the night with constant worry. I wish I could find some peace of mind. Am I wrong with how I'm handling this situation? - Jackie

Dear Jackie: You are in a very difficult situation but I'd rather you feel guilty than neglect your own children and destroy your marriage. Your mom is feeling the strain of making the decision to take care of your father at home all these years. Asking you to alleviate this burden by spending all your free time with her is not fair to you or your family.

Caring for someone with Alzheimer's has to be one of the most difficult things to do but it had been her decision to care for your dad at home. I honor that. She also has the right to decide that she doesn't want to go to a support group. What she doesn't have the right to do is demand that you give up what little time you have with your family to be her caretaker and be the one who gives her all the emotional support she craves.

You sound like a very loving and nurturing woman and your mom is very lucky to have you in her life. She should be praising you every chance she gets. There is nothing more frustrating and hurtful than being unappreciated and always thinking, "No matter what I do, it's never enough!" Since that will always be the case, you are the one who has to set the boundaries and decide what you can and can't do. Remember, no matter what you decide it will not be enough for your mom.

Sit down with your mom and tell her how hurt you are over what your aunt said. Let her know how much you love her; that you are doing the best you can, and you are sorry that she feels it's not enough. I believe that as our parents get older and can no longer take care of themselves, it is our responsibility to make sound decisions on their behalf and make sure that they are taken care of to the best of our ability. That means we have to take a good look at out own financial status, our own time restraints, our own health and our own family commitments. Given all that, I can't imagine living a life free of guilt. - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: I am a 41 year-old man who has been married for 16 years and we have 5 children. My wife just turned 40 and I still think she is beautiful. Lately she has started wearing ugly clothes and she doesn't seem to care that she is turning me off by it. My frustration lies in the battle for her time. She is consumed with the kids, her friends, her church, and her hobbies. I have to literally fight with her to get any time with her, and then that time is worthless because of the fighting. The more time passes the more I am getting used to being alone. I find myself being able to relate to other women a lot better than my own wife. She used to have a career until 2 years ago. Now she home schools the kids. I try to pamper her, but the more I do, the lazier she becomes. Sometimes I can't stand being around her because she is so lazy about things that matter to me. She is the baby of 5 kids, so I guess she will never change. I am a perfectionist and can do many things done extremely well. How do I deal with the frustration and loneliness and learn to accept the way things are? It seems so simple to "just do it", but in reality it's not. - Carl

Dear Carl: I have a tough time attributing the word, "lazy", to a woman who home schools 5 children. I could imagine "exhausted" or "unappreciated" or "overwhelmed" as more accurate descriptions. Home schooling 5 kids is more than 1 full-time job, especially since there are no breaks and lunch hours. You mentioned that she had a career 2 years ago. I am sure that her work was rewarded with raises and praises, neither of which she is getting now. One of the things you might have to work on is being less critical. The only reason I say that is because you mentioned that you are a perfectionist. Perfectionists tend to criticize their mate's way of doing things and always feel that they could do things better. She may be escaping to friends, church and hobbies because it is a way for her to relax. It is so easy for all of us to blame another person for what they are doing to us. The harder question to ask is "What in me is driving my mate further and further away?" I have always felt that if a woman doesn't get the emotional fulfillment she needs from her husband, she will find it elsewhere. Try to take a baby step and invite her out to dinner. Schedule it far enough in advance so that you can find a babysitter. That would be a good time for you to talk about your feelings. You must include how you think she is feeling as well. Here's a good way to begin. Approach your wife in a very loving way and say the following, "I feel so lonely lately and I really want to work on us feeling closer and more connected. We seem to be drifting further and further apart. I know that you are extremely overworked and the job of home schooling our children is overwhelming. I want you to know how much I admire and appreciate what you are doing. I'd also like to know if there is anything that I can do to make your life easier?"

Then I'd like you to buy a calendar and ask her to fill in all of her commitments. You do the same. Then look at it together and say, "I'd like us to spend one night a week alone together. We could make that our "date night." Sometimes we can go out and other times we can stay in, but the rule would be, that no matter what, it's our night together. Remind her of what I always say, "The best gift you ever give your children is having a loving relationship with each other. The happiest and most well-adjusted children come from a home where "mommy" and "daddy" love each other. - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: Our oldest, soon to be 5, is going to kindergarten next year. I teach in a middle school in a public school system which happens to be in an affluent neighborhood with an excellent record of achievement and very good families. In fact, I attended this system and graduated 20 years ago. I really want my son to go to school there. My husband wants him to go to a Catholic school down the road from our home (we are Catholic). He went to Catholic school growing up and I went to a public school. My sister is a kindergarten teacher at the public school where I want my son to go. She would not be his teacher since she is his Aunt, but she would be there for him each day. In fact, we live down the street from each other so she could drive him to school each day and then a teacher bus would take him to my school (the middle school in the system) at the end of each day (the schools are about a mile from each other). My parents live right between the public school and my brother's three children also attend this public school system. I've forgotten some background info. I teach and my husband stays home with the kids. So, I could more easily be a part of my son's activities if he were at the school near where I teach. It would be too hard to get to the Catholic School for me during the day. I feel that I would be totally left out if he went there. In addition, it is EXPENSIVE and it would REALLY stretch us to do this. Then, there is the academic quality of each school. In my opinion, no contest! I know everyone says their kids are gifted, but our oldest may truly be and there are no enrichment (or special needs for that matter) programs available at the Catholic school. My husband likes the idea of religious things being around (on display) and talked about and thinks it will be a better environment. He feels public schools may provide bad examples that he says he saw first hand at my middle school-language, etc. I feel he will get what he needs through our home and religious classes without putting us in financial strain (he says it won't) and possibly not being able to offer our children other opportunities - piano, sports, etc. I've made a huge list of pros and cons and I continue to feel that I really want my son at my school system. (As do my sister. But obviously he can only go one place and a decision must be made. We don't live in my school system zone but since I teach there, my children can go there. I was hoping you might have some thoughts on this. - Marilyn

Dear Marilyn: I always believe that when there is a decision to make, you have to pick the one that feels less worse. Most people think once they make a decision they will feel good about it. Very rarely in life does that happen. Usually, it's a decision that unfortunately, no matter which way you go, it isn't going to feel good. That is the situation you and your husband are in right now. If you get your way and enroll him in the public school system you'll feel guilty for going against your husband's wishes. If you enroll him in the Catholic school, you'll feel resentful. If your husband gets his way, he'll feel guilty that he's not only going against your wishes but also the entire family. So, no matter what, both guilt and resentment are not emotions that will feel good for either of you. So, I decided to look at what is best for a 5 year old. I think going to a neighborhood school and coming home as soon as possible to be with his dad and siblings is best for a child who is in kindergarten. At that age, it doesn't matter whether the school is public or private.

I also don't think it's fair to make your sister responsible for driving him to school everyday. What if she gets sick? What if she has to go in early because the principal has called a teacher's meeting? What if she decides to take off a few days for a mini-vacation? What if the alarm clock doesn't go off? It might be fun for a while but that is a big responsibility for an aunt to take on for the long haul.

The next point I'd like to address is you being involved in your son's activities. Since you are teaching full time, I'm not sure how that would be possible. You couldn't leave your students in the middle of the day to go on a field trip or attend his class. As for being dropped off after school, you may have to help a student after class or detain someone for bad behavior or meet with a parent to discuss a child's progress. Think of the anxiety you would have knowing that your son is waiting for you to take him home. I think you would put a great deal more stress on yourself than you already have. Also, if he has to be picked up from school in the middle of the day because of illness or an accident, wouldn't it be easier for your husband to go and get him if he was close by rather than having to put the other 2 children in the car and drive a lot further to get him? (I'm assuming that the public school is a long drive.)

It is wonderful that your son has the benefit of a stay-at-home parent who can take him to and from school everyday. Children love routine and predictability. Kindergarten will be a big enough change for your child. Why increase his travel time to and from school which means less play time, expose him to more affluent children who may have a different lifestyle than he does, and increase the amount of people in his life who he will have to depend on daily. Your child is very lucky to have 2 wonderful parents who have his best interests at heart. But, you are right, someone has to make the final decision. Since your husband is home and has a deep bond with your son, why not allow him to be the one to make it. Here's what you should say, "You know how strongly I feel about the public school system. I've gone over it in my mind a hundred times and I know you have done the same. I'm going to leave the final decision to you because I know that you have our son's best interest at heart even though we see things differently. I am willing to enroll him in Catholic school if you feel that is best for him right now. In a year we can then evaluate his progress. If he is happy, likes his teacher, and makes lots of friends, and it is not a financial burden, then he can continue. If not, you'll agree that we will transfer him. If you decide that he can start public school, I promise to do the same. At the end of a year, we'll evaluate his progress. If he isn't happy, then we will transfer him to Catholic school.

As for your own peace of mind, try to realize that nothing has to be set in stone and nothing is "forever." What seems to be best for you and your child today may very well change after a year. - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: My ex-wife was the one who asked me for a divorce 2 years ago and now she wants to get back together again. I am 38 and she is 37. We don't have any kids (her decision) and during our 10 year marriage, she has had at least 3 affairs that I know about. I found out from friends when we got divorced that the men drank a lot, didn't treat her well and were verbally abusive. I always treated her well. I helped with the housework, bought her presents, took her out to dinner and was a loyal and responsible husband. I forgave her each time and it wasn't me that ultimately wanted the divorce. She thought she had once again found true love but the guy left her. All my friends think I'm crazy to even consider getting back together again but I still love her and want to make it work. Do you think that there is any chance it could? I value your opinion and will take whatever you say, to heart. - Patrick.

Dear Patrick: The type of woman you are describing has probably been through so much trauma in her life that she doesn't feel worthy of a good man. You sound like you are one of those good men! I have heard your story so many times that I could have predicted your present situation with almost 99% accuracy. There's always that 1% that will surprise me but most of the time when a man tells me that he is in love with a woman who has had many relationships with men who have treated her poorly, I know that deep within her, no matter how she appears, she has little or no self-esteem and was most likely either abused or abandoned as a child. Since her earliest experiences with love meant pain, turmoil, disappointment, chaos and heartbreak, it feels comfortable and familiar when she meets a man who represents all of those early feelings. When she first met you, on the surface, you may have seemed like one of those men that she is usually attracted to - unpredictable, unavailable and uninterested in her romantically. Once you fell in love with her, she saw your passion, affection, honesty and loyalty that are all traits that she wasn't used to and felt uncomfortable with them. The more she saw her life as stable, respectful and predictable, the more uncomfortable she became.

She is still at the point in her life where she is probably only attracted to men who will disappoint her and prove over and over how worthless she feels inside. She has a lot of work to do on herself before she understands that she deserves to be loved and that love is supposed to feel good and not something that continually disappoints her.

Because she has not undergone any type of therapy or listened to a program like mine, once you got back together, it would only a matter of time before she would once again create chaos in your life. She would love the challenge of getting close to you and once again you will be a couple for a short time and then she'll get bored. She is only interested in what she can't have. If you get involved with her again, you'll destroy any chance you have of finding true happiness because she knows how to pull your strings. Without new information, history just keeps repeating itself. As for you, I know that you are hurting and lonely but you have your whole life ahead of you. You deserve to find a woman who loves you with all her heart and soul and don't you dare settle for anything less!

Dear Dr. Ellen: My husband and I have been happily married for 9 years and have three beautiful daughters. When we met, we both fell in love instantly, feeling as if we had known each other forever, and were married a year later. Before we were married, my husband told me about a girl he had had a short (one month) relationship with, basically because he was lonely. He was also raising his nine year old daughter. Their relationship was basically one of convenience - they worked in the mall together and when the roads were too bad for her to drive the 30 miles home, he offered his place and well you know the rest. He said he had absolutely no feelings for her other than a friend and companionship. He also said he had no intentions of ever being married again, as his ex-wife had pretty much soured him on marriage. That was until we met, and 2 months later he was looking at engagement rings. Anyway, about two months after we met, she came to him at his place of work, telling him she thought she was pregnant. He told me about it but just kind of brushed it off because she had told him that doctors had told her there was no way she could ever get pregnant. That was the last he ever heard from her UNTIL two years ago. She called his sister at her place of business trying to get in touch with my husband. When my husband told me this, words cannot describe the mix of emotions I felt. I didn't even want to think about what she might be calling about. Well at this time, we were going thru a very rough time financially and business wise and he just couldn't handle it right then. Well she called back a few months later and told his sister to tell him that when the baby was born, she put my husband's name on the birth certificate because she needed a father's name since she was on Medicaid. The child was now 7 years old and this woman's husband wanted to adopt the child and she needed my husband's signature to do that since his name was on the birth certificate. First of all, he doesn't even know for sure if he is the father or not and hasn't bothered to find out, basically because of how sad and insecure I start feeling when he even starts talking about this. He can't understand why I feel intimidated and I can't understand why he feels the need to know if he is what I call "the sperm donor." She has her life and we have ours and all that was in the past. I just want it left that way. All I can see whenever he talks about this is the two of them together - even though I know he never loved her and there was never any connection. I guess just thinking that they might have a child together is enough connection for me to feel that it will always be a reminder of him with someone else, even though it was before we ever met. To me, making love to someone is about loving that person and if you don't love that person, how could you make love to someone. That's the way he feels now too, but back at that time, he was a much different person and just wanted companionship.

Dr. Ellen, I love him with all my heart and would do anything for him and I know he loves me and our children with all his heart and he loves our life together. But for some reason, I just can't stand the thought of going up to him and saying, "Honey, go see if she is your child and I will stop being afraid and hurt by confronting this." I've listened to your tapes and think you are great and realize that if I told him this he would love me all the more but how do I do this and choke back my tears and feelings? What is wrong with me? He says that my hurt attitude makes him feel as if he went out and committed adultery on me. I tell him that I realize all this was before us, but at the same time, a possible child will be a constant reminder of him w/someone else. But I didn't feel this way at all about his 9 year old daughter that he had custody of because he was MARRIED. She cheated on him, and he has absolutely no feelings for her because of how badly she hurt him. The confusing part is he had absolutely no feelings for this other girl either, but to me somehow it's different. Please help me understand why I'm feeling like this and how I can get over it. I'm even tearing up as I'm writing you this. That's how hard it is for me to even think about this situation. But I know it needs to be dealt with. I don't want to push my husband away from me because I can't deal with what might be. But the thing is, I never thought this past would ever amount to anything. The other part is, why does he feel the need to know if this child is his when he has a wonderful life already? What does he feel he's missing out on? Am I being totally uncaring and selfish? I'm so confused. I know I'm rambling but I really respect your opinions and need your advice desperately. By the way, I'm 35 and my husband is 40. I know I probably don't sound like a mature 35 year old the way I feel, but like you say "feelings just are". - Marie

Dear Marie: I believe that we can choose to live our lives in one of two ways. We can either live our life coming from a fearful place or we can live our life coming from a loving place. Deep down inside every one of us is a place where nothing exists but love. It is the place where we are pure, whole and unafraid and know the right thing to do. This, I believe, is our core, our essence, our soul. The words, "Honey, go see if she is your child and I will stop being afraid and hurt by confronting this" come from this loving place in your heart that knows exactly what to say to the man you love. Unfortunately, fear exists in all of us as well; fear of change, fear of loss, fear of rejection, fear of being less than perfect, fear of not measuring up, fear of taking risks, fear of doing or saying the wrong thing, and the list goes on and on. Every day we have to fight these two forces and I'm telling you that when you choose to live your life coming from a loving place rather than a fearful one, you are much happier and at peace with yourself. It may be difficult for a short time but as you look back on your life, in the long run, you are never sorry for making a decision that comes from a loving place in your heart. Regrets always come from a decision that was based on fear.

There is a saying, "The truth shall set you free." Truth comes from that loving place, while living a lie comes from that fearful place. As human beings we all have something in our past that we are ashamed of, that we wish wouldn't have happened and that if given the chance we would have done differently. Providing a safe environment in which you and your mate can share those feelings creates a bond between the two of you.

You have given birth twice yourself. You know how important your husband's love and support were during this very emotional time. If your husband does find out through a paternity test that he is in fact the father of this child, then it's up to him to ask for her forgiveness. After all, that meant that he chose to "brush her off" and abandon her and the child when she told him that she was pregnant. Put yourself in her position and think about how hard it was for her to go through her pregnancy alone, deliver this baby on her own, and then care for this baby alone. She asked nothing for herself or her child for all these years. If that is the truth, then your husband has been living a lie all these years. If he finds out that he is not the father and she only put his name down because she needed a father's name, then he no longer has to feel guilty about the irresponsible way he behaved so many years ago.

My definition of true love is, "When someone else's happiness and well-being is just as important as your own." I believe that the past has probably haunted your husband and not knowing the truth will continue to eat away, deep down at a "soul" level. There is another issue here that I feel very strongly about. If this child is his and she is old enough, she should know the truth about who her birth father is. I know that a certain radio psychologist, coined the phrase, "Sperm donor" and believes in many cases that the child does not need to know who that is. I believe that every young adult has the right to know the truth. If someday, her mother chooses to do that, she may want to meet your husband. If you continue to keep this a secret, then your children will feel deceived later on when his daughter tries to contact him.

I believe that the greatest gift you can give your husband is your total support in his pursuit of the "truth." I believe that you need to "feel the fear" and give him your whole- hearted support no matter what the outcome. The loving thing to do is for him to find out for sure through a simple blood test and then to sign the papers so she can be adopted by this woman's husband. Your tenderness and love have the ability to heal his wounds and make him feel whole again. Don't waste that precious gift that you have to give him. It's a gift you both will remember for the rest of your lives together. - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: I really do love my boyfriend, but I am unsure of staying in this relationship. He has a 9 year-old daughter, and an ex-girlfriend he has to deal with. I understand that the mother should be involved in the child's life, but his ex-girlfriend is very dependent on him for things and he has a hard time saying no. He always tells me that he doesn't want to make waves because right now he pays child support every week, and she could take him to court and get more. He also says that when she's happy, his daughter is happy. His daughter is very jealous. If the three of us are together and he tells me he loves me, she responds with "but he loves me more." If she's walking ahead of us and he's holding my hand she runs back and holds his hand. If we are sitting on the couch watching TV and he is touching me then she jumps on him. She doesn't say hello or good-bye to me unless he tells her to. Every time we talk about this his response is "she's only 9 years-old." Lately he has stopped touching me or holding my hand when his dughter is around. I tried to talk to him about this and his response was "I don't see her that often and I want to make her feel loved." We have talked about getting married and I know he has put money down on a ring for me. I am very confused right now. I am having trouble deciding between what my head or my heart says. I love this guy a lot and would marry him tomorrow if it weren't for the extra baggage he has. I'm not sure if I can deal with this for the rest of my life. - Kathryn

Dear Kathryn: I'm sure that your boyfriend loves you if he's talking marriage. After all, he had a child with his ex-girlfriend and he didn't marry her. You mentioned the ongoing battle between your heart and head. Well, your heart is right! This relationship, like every relationship, is going to take a tremendous amount of work. Your boyfriend has an obligation to his daughter to be a role model and make her feel loved. He will, for the rest of your lives together, have a relationship with his ex because she is the mother of his child. Once you have your own child, you will completely understand that the feelings you have for a child are completely different than the ones you have for your mate. We all have the capacity to love many people in many different ways. For example, you love your parents differently than you love your boyfriend. He's right, his daughter is only 9 years-old and needs to feel his love. After all, from her point of view, you are a threat and she wants her mommy and daddy to be together. You have to become this little girl's friend by also assuring her and saying the following things: "Your daddy does love you more than anything else in the whole world. You are so special to me. You have a mommy who loves you and a daddy who loves you and I want to be your special friend." This way you become so much less threatening to her. I also agree with your boyfriend that while his daughter is with him, he needs to focus on her. If he's going to hold your hand, he needs to hold hers as well. If he's going to give you a hug, he needs to hug her also. This insecurity of hers will not last forever, once she is feeling safe and loved. Eventually she'll be dating and her dad won't be the center of her universe but she really does need him now. If you make him choose between the two of you, you'll lose. You said you would marry him if it weren't for his extra baggage. Well I don't know anyone who doesn't come with baggage. What if he had a terminally ill mom and he had to give her his time and attention? What if he had a sister or brother that he had to support because his parents weren't alive? I could go on and on but I'm sure you see my point. If I were you, I'd let your boyfriend know how special he is for wanting to be a good dad and a responsible person to his ex. He has to do a juggling act and try to make everyone happy. If you aren't more supportive to his situation, eventually, it will become too much for him and you won't have any dilemma because he'll be gone. - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: I have been dating a man for several months now. He is a very polished man, well-bred, so to speak. He went to the best schools this country has to offer (high school as well as university). The problem I'm experiencing is that of an emerging inferiority complex. It is, I believe, my own problem. He has done nothing to contribute to my feeling this way. But the more I get to know him, the more I realize that there is a gap, of considerable size, in our intelligence and just general knowledge of everything. This is concerning me. I am afraid that I will never be able to keep his interest on a long term basis. That is what I am interested in, a mutually satisfying long term relationship. So, I guess my question to you is this: What are the chances for couples who have this type of difference? What advice can you give to the partner, in a relationship like mine, who has the lesser IQ? Do you know of any relationships that have thrived with this difference? What was their recipe for success? - Josie

Dear Josie: There has been a great deal of research in the area of intelligence. What they have found was that some people are very intelligent in an academic way but lack "emotional intelligence" which I bet you have. Many people have advanced degrees and high scores on IQ tests but lack empathy and other areas of the heart that are necessary for a long term relationship. You obviously compliment him in some way or he wouldn't be interested in you. While he may have gone to the best schools, and has a great deal of general knowledge, you may be good at reading people and know how they feel. You may get along well with people in social situations, be able to persuade people to see your point of view and be a very hopeful and optimistic. Those are the skills necessary for emotional intelligence. It is being "street smart." It is simply a different way of being smart. In a good relationship we have lessons to learn from each other because we all have different strengths. Do you have chemistry with this man, do you laugh, and do you connect with him emotionally? If the answer is "Yes" then enjoy what he has to offer and realize that you have insights and observations about life that he can learn from you as well. I believe that opposites attract for a good reason. We each bring to the table, our own experiences, intuition and gut reaction to things. It would be too boring to be with someone who was a carbon copy of ourselves. Celebrate your differences and realize that they will lead to growth for both of you. - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: I guess I already know what your answer will be using logic and common sense. However, being a common sense person, thinking this through so many times, I still need some help. It starts out like this. I was contacted a while back by the very first love of my life. I was only 13, he was 15. He moved away, breaking my heart and his too. Unfortunately at that age, you don't have many choices. It's now 30 years later. We talk a few times over the phone, laugh, and decide to meet in person. Well, the chemistry is incredibly strong, but both of us being married with children, do everything possible so that nothing happened. He came from an abusive home and survived a horrible childhood. His goal in life is to break the cycle and never have that happen to his children. He does love his wife, as I do my husband, but the problem we have is this incredible connection, a bond like I have never felt about anyone. I can feel it even when we occasionally email each other.

It's not that anything is missing from my life. In 20 years of marriage, I have never strayed, nor have I had much of a desire to do so. But with this friend, I can't describe it any way other than an addiction. It's been 15 months now, and we both had hoped this would have faded. We have never given ourselves an opportunity to even be alone together, for fear of what may happen. We tried giving this thing distance, but then we're both miserable. - Stacy

Dear Stacy: I'm sure you do know my answer. If you both truly love your spouses and your children, you will stop corresponding with each other, PERIOD. If it was just a friendship that was rekindled after all these years, then the spouses would be informed and included. It is a decision that you can make to end it now. It is also a conscious decision to cross over the line. It doesn't just happen by chance. It is a decision to cheat or not cheat, live a life filled with lies or not.

It is also important to understand the reason you are able to form such a close bond. You are in a very controlled environment. There are no children to deal with, relatives, friends and money problems - just two adults spending quality time with each other. Stick in a couple of kids, living with each other every day, dealing with the relatives and money issues and let us see how much fun it still is!

You are cheating your husband out of having a wife who loves him with all her heart and is 100% there in mind, body and soul. The more time you spend thinking of this other man, the less time you spend thinking of your husband. I know that you know deep in your heart that what you are doing is wrong. You say that both of you are happily married. The way you judge your behavior is to turn it around and say, "If my husband was secretly talking on the phone and arranging to meet an old girlfriend or friend behind my back, would I consider myself happily married?" Would he consider himself happily married if he knew his wife was doing the same thing? Although you may think that you are not harming your husband by living this double life, you are destroying the intimacy that a husband and wife should share. What you both have consciously decided to do is to selfishly think about yourselves and pretend that you have not done this intentionally. Well you have. Make no mistake, in the end, you will cause many people a great deal of pain. Your husband and children will suffer. Your friend's wife and children will suffer and both of you will suffer by seeing the chaos you've created. I vote for both of you to end this now. Your husband and his wife do not deserve this. - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: We just celebrated our 17th anniversary. We have 2 wonderful kids, daughter, 16 and son, 13. My husband had to have 2 surgeries on his shoulder which has put him out of work for the past 6 months. Here's MY problem. He's been going to physical therapy 2-3 times per week for 2 1/2 - 3 hours at a time since the beginning of June. His therapist is a woman whose husband has cancer. They have this connection that REALLY bothers me. Starting in September (2-3 weeks after his 2nd surgery) he began calling her and vice versa on our cell phone. I only know this because one time when we were talking, he told me that he's not hiding anything and that there's a record of everything he does. So I began checking. He told me he's never met her anywhere outside of therapy and that they are just friends. This is extremely hard for me to understand. He told me that maybe he was just screaming for help and there she was. I have also since found out that he sent her an $80 bear for her birthday and that he wrote her this letter complimenting her on all her accomplishments, etc, and saying that things like he hopes their friendship continues after therapy is done (which should be soon). Then he signs it, with all my love, your friend. I have never doubted his fidelity or had any reason to not trust him, but now I am not sure. I love him so much and I am scared to death I'm going to lose him. He tells me to just give it time and things will be ok. I want to hug and kiss and be affectionate, but then I'm "smothering" him. How can I stop feeling this way? He doesn't know that I know about the bear or the letter. If he knew I was playing private detective, I'm not sure how he would react but it wouldn't be good. I really need some advice before I drive myself crazy. I am seriously thinking about trying to get some medication or something because I can't go on feeling this way. - June

Dear June: I have a question for you. If you had been in an accident and your husband found out that you gave your physical therapist an $80 present for his birthday, called him many times on the cell phone, wrote him a letter complimenting him on all his accomplishments and telling him that you hope your friendship continues after therapy and signed a card, "All my love," do you have any doubt at all that your husband would confront you? Look, I know this woman is probably going through a difficult time and your husband feels for her situation. But, you need to realize that you have a serious problem on your hands and could lose your husband of 17 years. Instead of worrying about how mad he'd get if he found out you knew, you should confront him with the truth and tell him that what he is doing is unacceptable behavior. Then, I would get on the phone with this therapist and let her know that if she continues talking or seeing your husband that you will report her behavior and she will lose her job. Your husband is doing what he's doing because he can. Good old June will be there no matter what. You are feeling the way you do because you are shoving your feelings deep down for fear of "rocking the boat". Well, the boat is already rocking. You would rather medicate yourself and stay in this awful limbo state and walk on eggshells than to bring this out in the open and confront him with the truth.

Here is what you should do and I don't care if it's a note or in person but you should tell your husband, "I love you with all my heart and want to spend the rest of my life with you but I will not share you with another woman and I certainly won't sit and watch you give another woman presents, phone calls and promises of a future." If you walk away with your head held high and your pride and dignity in tact, deep down he will respect you and I'm telling you that he will beg you to come back within 3 months if either you or he moves out. You completely underestimate your role in this relationship but worse, so does he. When you shock him with behavior that he doesn't expect, he'll come to the conclusion that he can't live without you. If you remain and become more pathetic, weak and dependent, all that will do is have him pity you. You want his love, not his pity. It is too exhausting to walk on egg shells and try to become everything he wants. You are perfect just the way you are and he needs to realize that. He is the one that is cheating you out of his undivided attention. - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: My husband gave me the shock of my life a few weeks ago. He admitted to having an affair that has him believing that he may want to leave this marriage of 6 years to be with this woman. Just a few months prior to that we talked about starting a family. I was devastated and it took me a week to stop crying enough to go back to work. He's not sure what he wants to do and doesn't want to call it quits with me until he is positive that is what he wants to do. He's moved out of the house and has gotten an apartment. We have a black tie affair that we have paid for almost a year in advance. I had told him to forget the black tie affair and he said no we should go. It surprised me because under the circumstances I thought he would love to get out of that. Here's my question. I know we will both be drinking (not heavily but enough not to drive) and he'll certainly be in no condition to drive back to his apartment. The black tie affair is within walking distance of our home. I was thinking of having him come back home and stay in the guest room. Do you think that would be okay? - Angela

Dear Angela: This is such a personal decision on your part. Since you are asking for my advice, I would say to cancel the black tie affair and cut off contact with him abruptly for the time being. It is the only way he will miss you and realize what a fool he has been. One of the reasons he may not want to cut it off completely with you is that if it doesn't work out for him with this other woman, he still has you. If he feels that he may lose you while he's deciding then maybe he'll speed up the process. I'm concerned about your night together because if both of you have too much to drink then there is a good chance that you'll wind up in bed together. You will feel awful the next morning when he says nothing has changed for him. If you refuse to go to bed with him, knowing that he is in the next room you will feel lonely, desolate and empty. Either way this will be a no win situation for you. He's holding the cards for your future together and what he says the next morning might set you back to square one and hurting just like you did when he first shocked you. So it makes no difference whether he stays in the guest room or not. I think the few hours of hope and pleasure that you might experience will not be worth days of pain that will follow. That's my honest opinion and I hope I have not hurt you. I personally have always thought staying in limbo is worse than hitting rock bottom. At least when you hit rock bottom there is not where to go but up. Limbo is forever and prevents you from getting on with your life. Good luck. - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: My husband says that since the birth of our baby, he feels very distant from me. We have been married for 5 years and it took 3 years for me to get pregnant so I take motherhood very seriously. Here is where I need your help. Our son, who is 8 months old sleeps in our bed every night. My husband resents that, but I feel that a child needs closeness and comfort and it's much easier than getting up and going into his room every time he cries. A child is this needy for only a short time and I think it's selfish for my husband to act needy as well. - Carol

Dear Carol: For years I've heard this complaint mostly from men - that once their child starts sharing their bed, they feel very distant from their wives and their sex life becomes nonexistent. After all, if the child is in your bed, you are not going to be cuddling, kissing, wearing a sexy nightgown or sleeping in each other's arms. The other problem I have with having your child sleeping in your bed is that you actually train your child to need you physically close in order for them to fall asleep. So forget about ever going out on a date or going away for a weekend getaway. You can't keep catering to your child's needs and forget about your husband's needs. Eventually your relationship is going to be destroyed. Listen to my rule: THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN A MAN AND A WOMAN MUST BE STRONGER AND OF A HIGHER PRIORITY THAN THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN A PARENT AND A CHILD. When a child is the center of attention, and everything revolves around the child, everyone including the child, suffers. Because, without realizing it, little by little, day by day, you will lose your identity as a woman, a wife and a lover and just become "mommy" 24 hours a day. I never thought twice about taking my own children into our bed with us when they were scared or sick. In a few days the cold cleared up, the diaper rash disappeared, the tooth finally cut through the gum or the fever was gone and it was time for my child to return to their own bed. There's a big difference with sharing your bed sometimes and sharing your bed all the time. Take your husband's feelings seriously and remember, what's best for your son is for mommy and daddy to love each other. I vote for teaching your son that it is his responsibility to fall asleep on his own, and if he should wake up in the middle of the night...to fall back asleep on his own. You reclaim your social life, your sex life and your own restful sleep. - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: My husband and I have a dilemma that doesn't seem to have a solution. In order for him to have a good night's sleep he has to have a fan blowing in his face. I can't tolerate the wind on my face. I start sneezing and wake up congested with a sinus headache. I have solved the sleeping problem by turning around and sleeping at the opposite end of the bed. Some nights I have to go into another room in order to sleep well. The dilemma is our relationship suffers. We miss out on being close, talking and such as we go to sleep. Any suggestions? - Kathryn

Dear Kathryn: You are absolutely right. This is a dilemma that doesn't have any great solution. The only thing you can do is to compromise like you have been doing. There is no reason why you can't still be together talking and lying next to each other until one of you falls asleep. The other person goes into the other room to get a good night's sleep. If you both take turns on different nights, you won't feel like you are always the one who is displaced. This way your husband is contributing to the solution as well. I think the alternative of you staying and suffering with physical symptoms the entire next day or your husband not sleeping well, will do more to damage to your relationship than leaving once in a while to get your needed rest. This is a problem most people face as they get older. Snoring, heavy breathing, difficulty in falling asleep and sensitivity to sounds are issues in many marriages. I think if you have to choose to be apart, you might as well choose the 8 hours of sleep. Being cranky and annoyed that lack of sleep causes will only drive a greater wedge between the two of you. You can snuggle before you go to sleep and crawl back into your bed in the morning as well. Something else you might try is to get one of those sound machines. They have every kind of sound imaginable and he may be able to fall asleep to the sound of a fan rather than the real thing. Just a thought! - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: I am an Indian girl who will be getting married shortly. Being Indian we believe in getting married with our parent's blessings. Unfortunately my parents have not agreed to my marriage. They don't approve of my choice. The boy's parents have agreed to get me married but I fear the comments that may occur by the rest of my, would be family. This makes me insecure. Please advise. - PT

Dear PT: I have always felt that the poet and philosopher, Kahil Gibran, was correct when he gave parents the following advice in 1923, "You may give them your love, but not your thoughts, for they have their own thoughts." So if your parents were asking for my advice I would tell them that every family has to have room for a child who sees the world differently than they do. Their expectation is to have a child who follows what they believe, mimics their likes, dislikes and what they have done traditionally for hundreds of years. Since this is not the case with their daughter, I would advise them to love you unconditionally and support whatever life you choose for yourself. But your parents have not asked for my advice, you have. So my advice to you is that you must weigh the consequences of your decision to marry a man with whom your parents disapprove. You have to ask yourself, "Is my love for this man strong enough to sustain itself if my family cuts me off and never speaks to me again." Your parents may very well come to accept this man as your husband as the years pass but you have to look at the worst case scenario that they never do. You have to be so sure of your love that it can withstand any cruel comments from your "would be family" as well as your parents. Your love has to be strong enough to survive in spite of going against family values and traditions. You have to be so sure that no matter what anyone says or does, this is the man that you want to spend the rest of your life with. If, on the other hand, there is a little voice inside your head which says, "I really do need my family's and "would be family's" blessings in order for me to feel secure in my decision, then maybe you should postpone your wedding. I am going to assume that your parents love you very much and have your best interests at heart. Maybe they see something that you don't see. That's where the expression, "Love is blind," comes from. You referred to yourself as a "girl" and your fiancee as a "boy" rather than as a woman and as a man. This leads me to believe that you both may be very young. Marriage is for adults who are willing to commit themselves to each other for better or worse, till death do they part. It is not a vow that should be taken lightly nor should it be something that is done without a great deal of thought. Whenever we are insecure or unsure of a decision, it is always wise to postpone making it until we have weighed all the pros and cons and can live with the cons. There will always be a certain amount of confusion that accompanies every major decision in your life. We have to honor that state of confusion by not acting impulsively. If you get as much advice and information as you can, hopefully, you will come to a decision you can live with. I wish you the best of luck. - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: I want you to settle an argument. My wife says she can't stand to see me in my old, worn-out jeans and an unshaven face on the weekends. I say that since I have to be in a suit and tie all week that I earn the right to relax on the weekend. What do you say? - Brad

Dear Brad: When you dated, you got ready for the evening. You took time and effort to make sure that you looked as good as you could for her. Being presentable for her was an important part of the courtship, and courtship makes a woman feel as if she's the most important person in your life. What message does the most important person in your life get when she sees you looking great everyday of the week and "grubby" on the weekend? I'll tell you what she is thinking, "He looks terrific for his job but I'm not worth the extra effort." My advice to you is to start with a small step. Pick one day on the weekend and do what you did when you were dating. I'm sure you showered, shaved, put on cologne and wore clothing that tried to impress her. Doing this will make her feel like she matters to you and she is worth your time and effort. Ask her to go shopping with you and have her pick out something for you to wear on the weekend that she likes, something casual and comfortable. So, I guess the bottom line is that I'm rooting for you to change YOUR mind, not hers. - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: I am a 40 year-old happily married male for 8 yrs with two daughters. My problem is that I am truly in love with another woman, aged 35, who is very happily married for 9 yrs with two children. We have been friends for over 14 yrs. We became closer as friends for the last 5 yrs and we also work for the same company. During the course of our working relationship we became very flirtatious with each other. It has now been 8 months that we have been telling each other how much we love each other. It's a love we both cannot explain. We also met for an afternoon in a hotel room although we did not make love to each other, we just wanted our bodies to be close together. It is difficult to explain how we feel but you must know that we have been trying everything possible to end what we have. Because we see each other so much we lose control. I have suggested that I would go as far as resigning my position at work to be apart. Please understand that we both love our families but we cannot seem to find the solution to this. We both have never cheated but we feel guilty with what we are doing. We know that if there were not children involved we would probably divorce our partners to be together. We know what the solution is. Why is it that we cannot act on it? WE LOVE EACH OTHER SO MUCH. We truly found each other's soul mate. - Don

Dear Don: If you are working with the same person day in and day out, you can develop a very close and special bond with each other. Many people today are spending much more time with their working partner than they are with their loving partner. We are always sending messages to each other, either verbal or nonverbal. It is okay to send the message that "You are so much fun to work with" or "We get so much accomplished here or "We are on the same wavelength and we really understand each other." But it is not okay to send the message - "I am interested in you outside of work or as a woman or man, or in a romantic way." It is a decision that you make to not carry it any further than friendship. It is also a conscious decision to cross over the line. It doesn't just happen by chance. It is a decision to cheat or not cheat, live a life filled with lies or not.

It is also important to understand the reason you are able to form such a close bond. You are in a very controlled environment. There are no children to deal with, relatives, friends and money problems - just two adults with shared professional goals, spending quality time with each other. Stick in a couple of kids, living with each other every day, dealing with the relatives and money issues and let us see how much fun it still is!

You are cheating your wife out of having a husband who loves her with all his heart and is 100% there in mind, body and soul. The more time you spend thinking of this other woman, the less time you spend thinking of your wife. I know that you know deep in your heart that what you are doing is wrong. You say that both of you are happily married. I wonder how happy you would be if you thought that your wife was doing the same thing that you are doing? Although you may think that you are not harming your wife by living this double life, you are destroying the intimacy that a husband and wife should share. What you both have consciously decided to do is to selfishly think about yourselves and pretend that you have not done this intentionally. Well you have. Make no mistake, in the end, you will cause many people a great deal of pain. Your wife and children will suffer. Your friend's husband and children will suffer and both of you will suffer by seeing the chaos you created. If you are not going to ask for a divorce and marry this woman then I vote for both of you to end this now and for one of you to change jobs as soon as possible. Your wife and her husband do not deserve this! - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: I am getting married in a week and a half. I have a major war going on between my fiancee and my brother. I feel like I'm stuck right between the two. The fight started over my brother being disrespectful in front of my fiancee's family. He tends to get rowdy when there's a crowd and people think he's funny. But the fact is he offended everyone. I kept walking up to him and saying, "Please stop." And he just kept going. By the time the gathering had ended, my fiancee's grandmother was totally offended. My brother was told that my fiancee's family did not appreciate his humor and that if he couldn't keep himself under control at the wedding he would be asked to leave. He yelled and screamed at my fiancee. He told him he was going to knock his teeth out. My brother has always been protective but now I'm put in a nasty spot. He says he will not attend the wedding at all. My sisters keep calling me, asking me to resolve this matter. They want us all to be there. At this point, I think a little respect is definitely in order. My fiancee said that was all he wanted. How do I resolve this? They hate each other now. And my niece and nephew are going to get hurt by this. It is so painful. I know he's wrong. My fiancee and his family are disgusted with him. How do I mend it all? I have tried to talk to my brother one on one. It didn't help. Do I just live my life and avoid him? I hate the fact that he loves me so much and yet he can be so rude. Please advise. - Joan

Dear Joan: Your brother should be the one who is begging you for forgiveness. I find it very interesting that your sisters feel sorry for your brother and not you. No one thinks a rowdy person is funny. The crowd may laugh, but trust me, deep inside everyone is embarrassed for him and saying, "I'm glad he's not my brother!" The fact that you begged him to stop and he didn't care about you, your future family or your fiancee just goes to show you that he is selfish and mean-spirited. Your allegiance needs to be your fiancee. Your brother has to learn that he cannot act disrespectful and expect people to pretend it never happened. Your sisters should be calling your brother to resolve this, not you. This is YOUR wedding day and everyone in your family should be concerned about your feelings and what he is doing to you. The last thing you need to do on that incredibly stressful day is to hope, pray and worry that your brother will behave himself. My guess, and it's only a guess, is that he has an alcohol problem and that is why he gets so rowdy. The only way he wouldn't embarrass you is to decide that you and your feelings matter to him more than the alcohol does. Since that is not the case, he has decided not to apologize or come to the wedding. As for your niece and nephew, I suspect that they've been hurt by his behavior many times. This is not something you can fix because he is the one who was wrong. Since your brother was the one who hurt your fiancee along with his family, you ought to be validating your fiancee's feelings, especially since you were there and actually witnessed the whole incident. You will be husband and wife soon and that should take precedent over anyone or anything else. So instead of being in the middle, take a giant step and stand next to your husband to be. - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: I have a situation with my boyfriend that has really concerned me for some time. We have been dating for a year and a half and have a great relationship. We are both 36 years old and headed in the right direction. What concerns me is his mother always calling and popping in at his house. This house was the house he grew up in and his mother still thinks of it that way. She must call him ten times a day and stops by the house unannounced! It's becoming a problem with me feeling comfortable and free to explore our relationship on different levels. I'm always in fear of the unknown! Plus, when she stops by she doesn't leave and when she does she gives him the guilt trip. Is this woman lonely or just too dependent on her son? She is 72 years old and lost 2 husbands and a son, years ago. She doesn't socialize with any women or belong to any clubs. She does nothing but make her sons feel guilty. What advice would you have for me to possibly pass along. I don't like to say anything to my boyfriend about his mother's behavior. I am sure he is aware, but, he feels guilty or responsible for her well-being. I've learned never to say anything about ones mother. I'd appreciate some response or I am just going to go crazy or worse, slip away! - Pat

Dear Pat: You are with a man who comes with baggage. In this case, it is not children or an ex-wife, it's his mother. You cannot change in a year and a half the relationship he's had with his mother for 36 years. At 72, his mother is not going to change. The loss of her son, your boyfriend's brother, as well as two husbands, has probably made them closer. Obviously, at some point she had more than just your boyfriend to depend on. It is hard to make a new life for yourself when you are in your 70's. I would advise you to really think this one through. You are wise enough to know not to say something about a man's mother. Are you wise enough to know whether you can, for the long haul, accept that she is a very important part of his life? It could even get worse as she gets older and possibly sickly. She may be back in the house. If you can't accept the fact that you are getting a "package deal", you should move on. If you make him feel guilty for loving her and being there for her, you'll eventually lose his love anyway. Should the two of you get married, she is going to be part of your life. The best you can do at that point is to say to her, "I love having you over, but I need you to call before you come, so I am not caught in an embarrassing situation." Remember, what you see is what you get. Ask yourself, "Assuming this situation stays the same, is my love for this man deep enough to cope with this?" Be honest with yourself. - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: My wife and I just have been married for only 2 months and our marriage is already in serious trouble. My wife and I met through ballroom dancing, fell in love and became inseparable ever since. We have always had problems, especially since she feels that "when she gives her opinion,"I always come back with reasons why she shouldn't think or feel that way," and "she doesn't ever feel that I back her up and see her side of a situation." In any case, we've had so many arguments and unhappiness that she finally decided that we should go our separate ways. I believe that we are meant for each other and I don't want the knot we tied to ever end. I've obviously never made my wife feel special. I need your help. What should I do? - Pete

Dear Pete: There is nothing worse than living with a man who is very controlling, who never sees your point of view and doesn't acknowledge your feelings. Ask your wife to give you two months to prove that you can change. Ask her again to explain what has made her so unhappy and really listen to her answer, acknowledge that you understand what she's feeling and promise that you will do everything in your power to change your behavior. If she won't talk to you, then write her a letter saying the same thing. If you get no response, then my best guess is that she has met someone else who is already fulfilling those needs. There are not too many women that would give up on their marriage after two months unless they had a better offer waiting in the wings. If she'll agree, take her away on a romantic weekend where both of you have nothing to do except concentrate on each other. My guess is that if there is no one else in the picture, it won't be too difficult to get back to the feelings you used to have if you'll agree that being right is not as important as being loved. If she won't listen to anything you have to say right now, let her know that you love her and hope that she will allow you prove that you are capable of changing. You'll have to wait until she decides that she is willing to give you another chance. You can't control someone's emotions and you certainly don't want to suffocate someone who already feels that she can't breathe. Right now she's feeling that you don't think her feelings are important and you don't understand her. She is angry and resents you right now. If she does give you another chance, realize that you probably have just one more chance and make the most of it. Make sure she feels safe to voice her opinion and that she has every right to express how she feels. Listen to what she tells you and tell her that you care about her point of view. This is your best chance at winning her back. Good luck! - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: I am in a situation where I need to tell my husband that I do not love him anymore. I can see that he is hurting deeply because I cannot return his love and affection. We have been separated for a year. This is my second marriage. The first one lasted for 16 yrs., and now I've been married for 4. My husband has a drinking problem. He used to drink every night and pass out. Now, he has cut down in the past year since I have moved out, but has not quit completely.

I have a 14 year-old son and a 12 year-old daughter from my first marriage, and they are my priority. I left him a year ago because my daughter started to be afraid of him. He just recently lost his mother and now is about to sell his family farm. He doesn't want to blow everything that he has worked for all his life on us living in separate households. He's told me several times that he doesn't want me just hanging on until the kids are grown and then find someone else.

How can I tell my husband that I care about him, but I cannot stay married. I don't want him to blame me for his financial situation because he took care of us for 4 years. Can you help me? - Jan

Dear Jan: I believe that you should tell him the truth. If you do there might be some personal growth possible for him. Many times when someone wants to end a relationship they aren't honest about the reason. Rather than hurt someone's feelings the person may say something like, "It's not you. It's me; I don't know why or I just need space." These kinds of vague excuses may lesson the painful impact, but they do a great deal of damage since they continue to give the other person hope that maybe you'll change your mind. He needs to know that you and your children were living on a daily basis, in your own home, with fear. All of you were walking on eggshells and you do not want to live that way any longer. As you so aptly put it, your children "are your first priority," and what's best for them is to have a role model they can look up to. The fact that he was passing out every night is not something that your children should be exposed to. It is not enough to know that now he is no longer passing out (so he says) but still has a drinking problem. He needs to seek help for himself and you will have to see a lawyer to work out the financial arrangements. As far as your children are concerned, hopefully, they are doing o.k. now and won't suffer any lasting effects from his alcoholic episodes.- Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: When my wife decided that she wanted to go back to school to get her Master's Degree I was very supportive. I get home fairly early to help out with dinner and the chores. I don't mind making sacrifices for her sake but now I find that our 5-year-old son is suffering because of her decision. I have a lot of resentment toward her and have no solution to a recurring problem. My son loves to play with his trucks and army soldiers. My wife's nerves are shot. She has a lot of studying to do and she expects our son to be quiet. She gets mad at him for being too noisy and then gets mad at me for not backing her up. I happen to love the fact that he's able to amuse himself and use his imagination and the noise doesn't bother me at all. I know you are supposed to present a united front for the sake of the child but I feel like she is the one that needs to relax a little. What do you think? - Kevin

Dear Kevin: I don't feel it is necessary to be in complete agreement about a particular situation or present a "united front." Children know what is going on. They know exactly which parent is pretending to agree with the other and many times all that does is leave the child feeling angry and resentful toward that parent. You can be true to your own feelings and still respect your wife's needs. Sit your son down and tell him that you need to talk to him about something very important. Tell him, "Mom is getting annoyed and upset more easily these days because she has a lot of pressure to pass her tests. "If I'm not home, you try to do some quiet-time activities - like coloring or playing with your sticker collection or watching TV or listening to your story tapes. When I get home, I'll take you to the park and you can run, yell, scream and make all the noise you want." This way you are telling your son the truth about what is really going on. A child can accept an honest, clear message that goes along with a parent's true feelings. As for your wife, I would suggest that she use a local library a few nights a week when you are home so she can get the quiet time she needs. It is important for all of you to deal with this as a family and come up with a solution that everyone can live with. - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: We've stopped making love and I need help! I like to make love at night with at least some romance and my husband wants to have sex in the morning when he gets up with absolutely no preparation. It's like we now have this wall up and neither of us is willing to budge. I'm sure not going to be part of "wham, bam, thank you ma'am" when he's not willing to take his time and feel close in the evenings. I honestly don't know what to do. - Gina

Dear Gina: When two people cannot agree on something it is necessary to compromise. Until you both stop trying to win or get your way, this is not going to happen. I always ask people, "Do you want to be right or do you want to be loved?" I know that compromising isn't the perfect solution, but it is still better than a brilliant solution where one person wins and the other feels cheated, taken advantage of, or dominated.

First of all, a little information goes a long way. In my audio program for men and women I explain that for many men their hormone level is highest in the morning. For many women their highest hormone level occurs in the evening. So you are not alone. Many men prefer sex in the morning while women like to make love in the evening. Your conflict began as a simple biological difference and has now escalated into a war where neither one is willing to please the other. Also keep in mind that romance is an acquired skill that has to be taught. You can either lead by "telling" or you can lead by, "showing." In my opinion, leading by example is the most powerful way there is to teach. Surprise him with a romantic evening and ask him to agree to a truce. Tell him how much you love him and ask him if he is willing to participate in a few romantic evenings in exchange for early morning sex. As silly as this may sound, take out a calendar and plan which days you'll make love in the evening and which days you'll make love in the morning. We put doctor and dentist's appointments on the calendar and we even schedule car maintenance on the calendar. Why not put the person you love most on the calendar? - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: My wife and I work in different sections for the same large government agency. While our duties are not related, she occasionally works with people that I also work with on a daily basis. Recently, she was having difficulty completing an action with someone, a female. I offered to assist her, since I'm often in the area anyway. My wife remarked that she was concerned that this person sounded very nice and I might have another reason to want to see her. I attempted to assure my wife that was in fact not the case, aside from the fact that I have no wish for any relationship outside of my marriage, I find this woman to be unattractive anyway. My particular concern is that this kind of jealousy played an important role in breaking up my first marriage. Since this is a trend, I may be doing something, quite unintentionally, that creates this tension. I am a nice guy, tend to be outgoing and interact easily with people (my wife thinks I am good looking, but I see my self as short, entering middle age and heading towards a bare dome). It is also possible that both my ex and current wife have self esteem problems, they are similar in other areas so why not this one as well. Dr. Ellen, my intent was to support my wife by assisting her, another way of showing I care, but the result was to create tension. I can not work or interact with women that would cause an equal opportunity problem. I probably won't offer to assist my wife anymore. What do you suggest? Oh, by the way, my wife is not the kind to admit any insecurities or conflicts so problems are not dealt with. Suggestions? - Ken

Dear Ken: Some women think that jealousy is proof of their love. In reality, it is proof of insecurity, and an insecure woman becomes very unattractive to most men. Some jealousy is normal in any love relationship. Every woman wants daily reminders that her mate won't find greener pastures, outgrow her, or find other people or activities that are more exciting and interesting than she is. But extreme jealousy will eventually ruin a perfectly good relationship. If you have friends, interests, obligations, and activities that take you away from her, it is the constant accusations that will eventually drive you away from her and not the other people, interests or activities. When two people love each other there has to be trust between them. TRUST is the most important ingredient in a relationship. If your wife doesn't learn to trust you then there is no solid foundation to build a life together. Here is what you should do. Write to her from your heart or have her listen to you as you describe how much you love her but how frustrated you are with her jealousy and control. Let her know that you do not want to spend the rest of your life together feeling mistrusted. She really does have to learn a new way to relate to you. If she says she will not change and that's the way it is and will always be, then, "What you see is what you get!" It is up to you to decide whether you can continue to walk on egg shells. She may have to lose you for a while before she decides that you are worth her time and energy to make some necessary changes. Most women have to be alone for at least a few weeks before they see things clearly. You deserve to be in a relationship that brings you happiness and fulfillment. This relationship will not work out if she doesn't trust you and you constantly have to reassure her. Although you didn't mention it in your email to me, your wife may have been hurt previously by someone who was guilty of these actions. If that is the case, then reassure her that you are different and that she needs to trust you because you have never given her any cause to be concerned. Or it could be that she was unfaithful in the past and is assuming that you will be the same way. Whatever has caused her to feel this way, this is a hurdle that you need to overcome. Telling her, in as loving a way as you possibly can, how much you love her; that you want to spend the rest of your life with her but this unfounded jealously must stop or it will drive a wedge between both of you, is your best chance to get her to change her behavior. - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: I have lost my desire for sex. I am 45 and my husband is 47. Every time my husband approaches me I turn him down. He's getting fed up with me and says that if something doesn't change then he'll find someone who is interested. I don't know what to do. I can't make myself feel like I'm in the mood when I'm not. - Joan

Dear Joan: I believe that you do not have to wait for a feeling to come first before taking action. When I speak in front of a group I ask couples to stand up and kiss for 10 seconds. I do this demonstration because I want to point out to people that even though they may FEEL distant, annoyed, embarrassed, humiliated or uncomfortable before the kiss, when they do it anyway, no matter how they feel, the result of their ACTIONS makes them feel connected, warm, tender, safe and even passionate. In fact, some of them enjoyed it so much that they didn't stop even when their time was up.

Some of us were taught to believe that we must FEEL a certain way before we can ACT a certain way. Quite frankly, if I waited to do things until I felt like it, I'd never do anything! I propose a different point of view: YOU CAN CREATE LOVE EVERY DAY BY DOING IT AND NOT WORRYING ABOUT FEELING IT!

For a lot of men, sex is the most meaningful demonstration of love and self worth. In the "Hite Report on Male Sexuality", hundreds of men were asked, "Why do you like intercourse?" The psychological or emotional reason most men gave was the feeling of being loved and accepted. One man summed it up by saying; "Intercourse continually reaffirms my close attachment with my mate. It tells me she loves me. It gives me confidence. It makes me feel wanted." This is not something your husband can live without. Sometimes, understanding sex from a man's point of view, helps bring out the warm, caring and tender feelings that are there inside you. Continual rejection will open him up to the possibility of seeking what he needs from someone else. Most women do not understand how strong a man's sexual drive is. We've all heard stories about successful politicians, actors, ministers, and other highly visible men who risk everything they've worked so hard to achieve for the sake of an extramarital affair. It doesn't matter who he is or how successful he is, every man wants to feel wanted and needed physically. Not only should you not continually reject him, but once in a while initiate sex. It was actor, Paul Newman, who once said, "I don't need to get hamburger outside my marriage when I get steak at home!"

Of course, there is another possibility. If you are not getting your emotional needs met, it is almost impossible to respond sexually. My course teaches men that, for a woman, kindness, gentleness, devotion, commitment, caring, attention, patience and compliments are all important if you want a woman to respond to your needs. A woman whose mate takes the time to let her know that she is special, needed, appreciated and loved will be far more available sexually than a woman who is neglected or ignored. - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: I need advice, and since I have always read the advice of others but never asked for any myself, please honor me with your reply. My ex was a sort of prize. I met him in Turkey where I taught English, then went back to Turkey when I was 23, married him, and brought him to America. Never mind how emotionally immature we both were - I had lots of hope. I soon learned that to take an immigrant out of his home isn't fair - I felt guilty that he was home sick, that he had never traveled, was dependent on his mother or parents for all his needs and autonomy, and was used to an extended family. When I was 3 months pregnant he decided he was homesick and went on a vacation to Turkey. Quitting his job, he then returned to America with his 14 year-old sister.

I was already a bit disillusioned by that time. I was all done with the wonderful fairy-tales I had envisioned. He was sexist and lazy. He wanted dreams to come true, with little want to make them happen. Though we had spoken of returning to Turkey, I knew that as a parent that was unrealistic for a female. I befriended a co-worker and poured my heart out. While "Alex" was in Turkey for over 2 months, "Steve" helped me with Lamaze classes and birth preparation. I knew I had a problem now, and was about to be expected to support 4 people, while my unrealistic and dependent spouse returned from Turkey with his sister - and no money, I might add. I had told him not to do that, and that he was very foolish. I also warned him that if he were so impulsive and irresponsible, I would divorce him. When he returned from Turkey, I moved out and left him with his sister. I had kept my word, and I was quite serious. This was no time to play games with a pregnant woman, and I was feeling quite abandoned by that time.

Alex stayed in the states for a few months, and then returned to Turkey with his sister. He returned again, but always complained about how he couldn't be a teacher because he didn't want to go through the trouble of taking the two classes necessary to upgrade his credential. He also wanted to be an air traffic controller, but did not want to wait to be a citizen. He was extremely impatient and unrealistic. I felt a bit guilty that I had brought him here - but not too guilty.

Now my daughter is 13 years old. Alex has disappeared from all contact for 3 years now. He has recently written to me. He says it's my fault his other girlfriend aborted his child because she didn't trust him to be responsible. He just doesn't take responsibility for his actions.

I have always considered myself honest, and I have had to put up with his pity-pot depression for all this time. He has never overtly blamed me as heavily as now because I think he should stop hiding and be a part of my daughter's life. But he says I "ruined his life" and I tell him that he is not holding himself accountable. Just how many men do this to women? And what am I supposed to let him do now that I have remarried? I really don't want him to be hostile to my new husband (1 1/2 years), and Rich really doesn't want any part of what looks like a battle just starting.

My goal is to get Alex to focus only on what's at hand and how to deal with our daughter's needs and his place in her life. That's not enough for him. He wants vengeance for his perceived failed life, and he seems to expect I owe him something. Yet he doesn't get it - I am the person who raised this child as a single mother. I think he may never "get it." What can I do? Thanks. - Suzie

Dear Suzie: First I want to tell you what an incredible woman you are. You have gone through so much and have landed on your feet. Your daughter and your new husband are very lucky to have you in their lives. As for your ex, you definitely have him figured out and your psychological assessment of him is right on the mark.

I assume that he is now in his 30's with absolutely no signs of having grown up, which entails thinking of someone other than himself. If he didn't change as a result of the birth of your daughter, I doubt that he will change when she is 13-years old. For your own and your daughter's sanity you have to accept and so does she that he will not be part of her life. I believe that if he is living here in America, you can collect for child support by going through the legal system. It may take years but for your daughter's sake, he needs to be identified legally as a deadbeat dad. I personally know of a woman who did this when her daughter was 8 and finally 20 years later, when her ex finally sold his house, her daughter received quite a sizeable check. You never know what his financial picture will be like in 20 years. He may get lucky and holding him accountable for as long as it takes, should be done legally. You can definitely do something about that.

Changing his basic core, which is selfish, irresponsible and lazy, is not something you have any control over. Having unrealistic expectations is what hurts people so deeply. If every birthday, holiday and special event in your daughter's life, has you and your daughter hoping to hear from her father, the disappointment and hurt will overshadow the joy and happiness she should be experiencing.

My advice is to be as honest with her as you can. Let her know, "Your dad has never been able to cope with life and certainly has never been there for you or I. As hard as it is, we both have to stop wishing that he was different. You have to go on with the realization that you have a mother who loves you with all her heart, a step-dad who cares about you deeply, and a father who will not be part of your life. I know it's so hard to understand and accept, but this is the life you have. I love you and will always be there for you." Kids can really cope with what is and the truth. They have a tough time when a parent isn't honest or makes up stories to cover for the other parent. I hope this helps. - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: I have recently been undergoing chemotherapy for breast cancer. I will be done with my treatments in June. My problem is that I have lost all of my hair and a great deal of weight and I can't stand to look at myself. My husband still loves me and tells me I look beautiful. My two children, who are both teenagers, are always complimenting my latest wig or outfit. My friends let me know that I am looking good as well. All of that doesn't seem to change how shocked I am every time I look in the mirror. I know you have had breast cancer as well because I've heard you say it on TV and wondered if you have any advice you can give me. - Sarah

Dear Sarah: While you are going through this whole ordeal, I would use your husband's, your children's, your friend's and your extended family member's eyes to see the beauty in you and I would put your own eyes on hold for a while. You cannot see what they see at this point because of everything you are going through. The saying, "Time heals all wounds," really applies here. There is no substitute for time! In time, not only will the physical scars heal and become invisible but more importantly, the psychological scars will heal as well. You and I are both so lucky to have wonderful husbands who love us from inside out and not the other way around.

You should definitely plan to get away and celebrate after this whole ordeal is over. It is important now to have something to look forward to at the end of your chemotherapy. It will help you get through this faster. I felt exactly the way you do even when my hair started growing back. My straight hair started coming in curly and everyone would say I looked so cute and I would think they were nuts or just didn't want to hurt my feelings. Now I look at some of the pictures back then and I can see why they said what they said.

Another thing that is important at this time is to be part of a support group. Hopefully, you already are but if you don't have one in your area, you should start one. I think it is comforting to talk to women who have been through what you are going through as well as women who are dealing with the same issues as you are. It feels so good to know that you are not alone or crazy, feeling and thinking as you do. I wish you all the best and I'll say a little prayer for you. - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: My daughter is 29 and has a 6 month little girl. Her husband just left her and she wants to move back home so she can go back to school and get her degree. I don't work, so I could certainly help her out. She's not lazy and I know she can do anything she puts her mind to. I don't think it's a problem but all my friends think it's a big mistake to let her come back and disrupt my husband and I. What's your opinion? - Patty

Dear Patty: I think that many people have lost sight of what a family unit is really all about. First of all, just knowing about your daughter's painful experience disrupts your life no matter what you decide to do. Knowing how your daughter must be suffering has to be painful to you as well. Abandoning your daughter at this time when she really needs you is unthinkable to me and obviously to you. Your daughter needs some time to sort things out. She also needs help with raising her daughter. Her idea of going back to school is a good one. Getting herself to a point where she can be independent will be good for everybody. What she needs is a shoulder to lean on and you and your husband can provide that. You will look back on this time as a very meaningful part of your life, especially if your daughter is able to get back on her own feet again and you and your husband were instrumental in helping her do so. Chances are you'll be closer than ever and what an opportunity to have your granddaughter there with both of you every day. Make sure to take some time for yourself and with your husband as well. You can work out a schedule that will benefit everyone. - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: I have been married for 13 years. For 10 of those years my husband worked at the same job with me. Three years ago he decided he was burnt out and quit his job. He has had many jobs since but none have been steady. For the past 6 months he has been out of work. I have been carrying the financial burden all on my own and I feel some resentment. He sits at home on the computer all day playing games and is not looking for work. Our family and friends put him down all the time because he's not providing for me properly. I feel so many things but the main thing is I am thinking about cutting him loose and making him stand on his own two feet. I love him and I hate to throw 13 years of marriage away, but I don't know what else to do. When I talk to him about looking for work, he gets angry and lashes out, saying I don't love him. Please help! - Veronica

Dear Veronica: A man's worth is not measured by having a job outside the home. If he does the cleaning, shopping for food and cooking while you work I'd say that you have a man who is contributing quite a bit. He may be doing a job search and using the computer to find work. If that is the case, your husband should be praised and encouraged especially if your family and friends are putting him down. The more he's criticized, the lower his self-esteem becomes and the harder it is to go out looking for work. You have to be the one person who believes in him even if the world doesn't. On the other hand, if he truly does nothing but play computer games, the house is a mess, the refrigerator is empty and the wash is piled high, you are living with an adult who is not pulling his fair share. If that is the case you have to let him know that his behavior is unacceptable and give him a time limit in which to find a job. If he shows no effort at all, then it's time for him to be on his own. I believe that you should give him a clear message in a loving way. Here's what I would say: "I love you with all my heart but cannot stay in a marriage that is not an equal partnership. I am giving you the next __ months to find a job.(That's a personal decision on your part.) If you are doing your best to try and find a position, I will stand by your side forever. If however, you do nothing and show no signs of progress then I choose to end this marriage." Then your job is to carry it through. It might just be the motivation he needs to become more self-sufficient. - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: My husband works very hard and is a good husband. He always respects me, doesn't raise his voice and is very supportive. However, he has some habits that really annoy me. About an hour after he comes home from work he will either leave to pay the bills (he won't mail them) or he will go over to his mother's and spend an hour with her. We have talked about this on several occasions. I think he should decrease the days he does this (7 day a week) to only 3 or 4. He is very adamant that he will not give up this ritual he does every day. Apparently this same issue caused problems in his first marriage and he is unwilling to negotiate. This is the only real complaint I have. He isn't running around on me or doing anything wrong, and believe me, with my past experiences with men, I would know if he was. He is very loving. Should I just grin and bear this, even though I want to spend more time with him? I work nights and I feel like our time together is too short as it is. Thanks. - Penny

Dear Penny: You married a wonderful man and much of it has to do to his upbringing. I have always felt that if a man loves and respects his mother he will be a terrific husband as long as he is not a "mama's boy" where he caters to his mother's every whim. You haven't described someone like that. You have to pick and choose your battles and cutting down on his one hour visits with his mom is not a battle you should try and fight. He has already stated that he is not willing to give this up and forcing him to do that will only make him resentful. You might want to consider changing to a day job so you can spend more time together even if it means a cut in pay. The long-term survival rate for couples who work different shifts is not very good. The lack of time together and lack of closeness eventually erodes most relationships. Taking away his one hour for himself either driving around paying the bills or visiting his mother isn't going to fix that. Appreciate your husband's kindness and consideration and know that there are many mothers out there who would love to have a son who is as devoted to them as your husband is to his mom. - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: My husband and I are both struggling to make ends meet. We live from paycheck to paycheck. I worry a great deal that my kids, ages 3, 4 and 7 don't have a lot of toys and nice clothes. It was especially hard on them during this holiday season when they watched TV and every new toy was advertised and every home looked like Martha Stewart came to decorate. Every time we have to explain that what they want is too expensive, it breaks my heart. Will they grow up resenting us for having them and then not being able to give them things that other kids have? - Jan

Dear Jan: The best gift you can ever give your children is belief in themselves. This is done by always praising them and surrounding them with love, not by giving them toys and nice clothes. The happiest, most well adjusted children come from a home where there is love. Remember this always "A shack can be a mansion when love lives there, and a palace can be a prison without love." Getting books from the library and reading to them, taking long walks and pointing out the beauty in nature, spending time talking to them, listening to them, going on picnics, smiles, hugs and kisses will be what your children will remember and feel blessed for having both of you as parents. - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: Please tell me how I make myself more and more desirable to win my husband back. He has to give me the chance to prove to him that I have changed. We've not been husband and wife now for almost eight months and separated a total of almost 3 years. I love him more than he can ever imagine. I know he will want me again if he will only open his heart. How do I do that? I know I can. I've made so many wonderful changes in myself and continue to do so! But this loneliness without him gets worse and worse. No one else will, or can ever take his place or even be close to what he is. So, even if I was with someone else, the loneliness and missing him and everything about him would make no difference. - Sally

Dear Sally: Unfortunately, you have been separated and not lived as husband and wife for a long time. It is easy to live in the past and be in love with the memories you have had together. It is even easier to live in the future and picture your life as it used to be when you were happy together. The problem is that the PRESENT, which hasn't existed for quite some time, doesn't exist. While you are thinking and dreaming about him, your husband has probably gone on to make a new life for himself. Here is the impossible to answer question I always get asked. How can I make someone love me again if he won't talk to me or see me? The answer is, of course, that it is impossible to show him the changes you have made if he will not talk to you or see you. I am going to assume that you have tried and he hasn't responded. There is no way to force someone's heart to open. I am a great believer that if a relationship is "meant to be" then in time the two of you will get back together. The problem for you is, "How do you fill your time until he comes to the realization that you are the love of his life?" You can't speed up the time for him to realize that you are the best thing that ever happened to him. He may have to experience life without you for the next two, five or even ten years before that happens. In the meantime, continue working on yourself. Keep growing, changing and becoming the best woman you can be, not to get him back, but for your own personal fulfillment. Continue learning from your past mistakes and make wiser decisions and choices in the future.

I always find it amazing that so many couples who are unable to have children finally adopt and then miraculously get pregnant. Once they relax and put their energy and focus into other areas, they wind up with what they couldn't have. I find it is exactly the same for women/men who finally stop waiting for a boyfriend/girlfriend or a husband/wife to come back into their lives. As soon as they fall in love again or pursue a career and stop thinking about the past and are very involved in their current life, the phone rings and there he/she is again. The boyfriend/girlfriend who left, or husband/wife who had an affair, wants to start over again. It seems that when you are busy doing other things and involved in living your life, the very thing that you kept hoping for, magically occurs. Anyone waiting for a phone call knows that as soon as they leave for a second, the phone rings. When you just sit and wait for that phone to ring it never does. So my advice is to get on with your life as if he is never coming back. If he doesn't come back, at least you haven't wasted your life waiting for him. If he does come back, you will have gained valuable life experiences during that time that should help you in the future. - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: I am sad and angry at the same time. My husband is constantly looking at pictures of unclothed women in magazines and wherever we go he flirts with other women. If we are at a party he ignores me and spends the whole evening talking to a pretty woman. If we are in a restaurant he flirts with the waitress or someone sitting at another table. We are only married for a year and he didn't do that when we were dating. It seemed then that he only had eyes for me and no one else existed. I find it very hard to make love to him because I feel so awful. He brushes my hurt feelings off as silly and tells me all men are like that. What can I do to convince him that my feelings count? - Gina

Dear Gina: Most men enjoy looking at beautiful women. However, once a man falls in love and gets married, he has more than himself to consider. My definition of true love is, "When someone else's happiness and well-being is just as important as your own." The fact that you have told him how unhappy his behavior makes you feel, means that he either doesn't take you seriously or he doesn't care. I can't help you if he doesn't care but I can help you learn how to show him that you are serious. Make one more attempt to sit him down and tell him how deeply hurt you are when he looks at other women in a magazine or flirts with other women. Ask him how he would like it if you stared flirting and looking at other men? If he lies and says it wouldn't bother him, then you really have to question this marriage. The other thing that I want you to do in that same conversation is to tell him that the next time he stares at another woman when he is with you, you will leave immediately. Your job is to follow through. If you are at a restaurant, do not say a word, just get up and call a cab and go home. If you are at a party, ask someone if they could give you a ride home or call a cab. You have to act immediately with no more explanations. You have already told him what you would do, so in order for him to take you seriously, you have to follow through. It is the only way his behavior will change. You do not want to turn into a nag. The truth is that if he continues this behavior, you will turn into an angry, cold, bitter and unresponsive woman. A mature and loving man knows that he has to sacrifice certain things for the sake of a marriage. When you become parents, there are even more sacrifices for the sake of the children. You may want to "party" till 4:00 a.m. but, if you are a responsible and loving parent, you know that your child needs you to be alert the next day, so you don't! If looking at women in magazines and flirting with strangers hurts your partner, then you simply control your impulse and do not do it! By the way, you can't stop him from looking at other women when he is not with you, but out of love and respect, he can and should not do that when he is with you. As for the pictures, if he truly cares about your happiness, then he will get rid of them as well. - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: I'm involved in a very complicated relationship. The man I've fallen in love with has broken up with his girlfriend, however they share a child and she is 6 months pregnant. Although this sounds like the problem, it's actually this: he has a very close female friend that he's known for many years and they used to date. They have kept in contact over the years; however she lives very far away. I'm concerned about this relationship because he still speaks very fondly of her and considers her to be one of his very best friends. I know that she also thinks and feels very fondly of him. I'm worried that he may be denying his true feelings for her, to himself and to me. Is she the one he really wants to be with? - Meg

Dear Meg: You are correct. You are involved in a very complicated relationship. It's not like his girlfriend, who is the mother of his child, is in his past and he has gotten over her. Just six months ago they made love and made a baby together and still didn't get married. What kind of man breaks up with his girlfriend who has a child with him and now is six months pregnant with his next child? You really should be questioning his character. My guess is that you are involved with a man who enjoys having several women in his life and tells each one a lie about the other. I wonder what he has told his ex girlfriend and "friend" about you. I don't think he is denying the feelings that he has, to himself. I think he is denying the feelings he has for his ex girlfriend and friend, to you. The more women in his life that he is busy talking to, the less time he has to spend talking to you. If you are in a serious relationship with this man, you should be his best friend. It is with you that he should be sharing his hopes, dreams, frustrations and daily experiences. Instead of asking me, "if she is the one he really wants to be with", you should be asking yourself the question, "Why would I want to be with a man who is so irresponsible that he would leave his child and pregnant girlfriend? You deserve to have a man who loves you with all his heart and soul and don't you settle for anything else. - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen - We just celebrated our 17th wedding anniversary. We have 2 wonderful kids, a daughter, 16 and a son, 13. My husband had to have 2 surgeries on his shoulder that has put him out of work for the past 6 months. Here's MY problem. He's been going to physical therapy 2-3 times per week for 2 to 3 hours each session since the beginning of June. His therapist is a woman whose husband has cancer. They have this connection that REALLY bothers me. Starting in September (2-3 weeks after his 2nd surgery) he began calling her and vice versa on our cell phone. I only know this because one time when we were talking, he told me that he's not hiding anything and that there is a record of everything he does. So I began checking. He told me he's never met her anywhere or time outside of therapy and that they are just friends. This is extremely hard for me to understand. He told me that maybe he was just screaming for help and there she was. I have also since found out that he sent her an $80 bear for her birthday and that he wrote her this letter complimenting her on all her accomplishments, etc, and saying that things happen for a reason and that he hopes their friendship continues after therapy is done. Then he signs it with all my love, your friend. I have never doubted his fidelity or had any reason to not trust him, but now I can't stop myself from always wondering and questioning and trying to find out what he's done now. I DO NOT want to feel this way. I ache so much inside. I can't eat or sleep. I love him so much and I am scared to death I'm going to lose him. He tells me to just give it time and things will be ok. I want to hug and kiss and be affectionate, but then I'm "smothering" him. How can I stop feeling this way? He doesn't know I know about the bear or the letter. If he knew I was playing private detective, I'm not sure how he would react but it wouldn't be good. I really need some advice before I drive myself crazy. I am seriously thinking about trying to get some medication or something because I can't go on feeling this way. - June

Dear June: I have a question for you. If you had been in an accident and your husband found out that you gave your physical therapist an $80 present for his birthday, called him many times on the cell phone, wrote him a letter complimenting him on all his accomplishments and telling him that you hope your friendship continues after therapy and signed a card, "All my love," do you have any doubt at all that your husband would confront you? You have a serious problem on your hands and instead of worrying about how mad he'd get if he found out you knew, you should confront him with the truth and tell him that what he is doing is unacceptable behavior. Then I would get on the phone with this therapist and let her know that if she continues talking or seeing your husband that you will report her behavior and she will lose her job. Your husband is doing what he's doing because he can. Good old June will be there no matter what. You are feeling the way you do because you are shoving your feelings deep down for fear of "rocking the boat". Well, the boat is already rocking. You would rather medicate yourself and stay in this awful limbo state and walk on eggshells than to bring this out in the open and confront him with the truth.

Your husband is like every man out there who will not appreciate how much you mean to him until you are gone and he sits with the silence. Here is what you should do and I don't care if it's a note or in person but you should tell your husband, "I love you with all my heart and want to spend the rest of my life with you but I will not share you with another woman and I certainly won't sit and watch you give another woman presents, phone calls and promises of a future." If you walk away with your head held high and your pride and dignity intact, deep down he will respect you and I'm telling you that he will beg you to come back. You completely underestimate your role in this relationship but worse, so does he. When you shock him with behavior that he doesn't expect, he'll come to the conclusion that he can't live without you. If you remain and become more pathetic, weak and dependent, all that will do is have him pity you. You want his love and not his pity. It is exhausting to walk on egg shells and try to become everything he wants. You are perfect just the way you are and he needs to realize that. He is the one that is cheating you out of his undivided attention. - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: My reason for writing you today is that earlier this year, I married a kind, considerate, precious, sweet man whom I had known for 4 months, sold or gave away most everything I owned, sold my business and moved myself and my 3 dogs to an island in the Caribbean to live "happily ever after." When I first visited there, I loved it, but since then I have grown to hate that place and fear it will be the death of me. It is hot, dirty, dusty and I am just plain miserable. I am presently in the states, staying at my parents home, wrapping up some business here and will be heading back down there soon.

I have never met a kinder, more considerate person than this man. He cannot stand the cold and he has metal rods in his body from a previous malignancy and winters here get pretty cold. I want to suggest maybe we think about moving to a "happy medium" location, but I just don't quite know how to go about approaching all of this. I was so determined to make myself love that place for his sake, but I just don't know if I can. Thank you for listening and for your wonderful tapes. - Allie

Dear Allie: Any one of the things you mentioned - marriage, relocating, or giving up a career, takes a tremendous amount of effort and adjustment. You put so much pressure on yourself by experiencing all of the above at the same time. No wonder you are miserable. Humans are creatures of habit and don't do well with quick changes that affect major parts of their life. A four month relationship that leads to marriage would be difficult enough to adjust to, let alone moving to a place where you know no one. Then, on top of that, since you sold your business, you probably have to look for something to do to occupy your time. It's a formula for disaster for anyone, no matter how strong they think they might be. It's all too overwhelming and you are going to have to give yourself permission to mourn your past and be scared, uncertain and uncomfortable for a long period of time. You need to share your concerns with your husband and tell him that you will give it your all for whatever time period you feel comfortable. (Try to make it at least 1 year) and then I think your suggestion of moving to a "happy medium" location, is a good one. Please approach it from a loving point of view. Tell him how much you love him and you are determined to do everything in your power to adjust to the location for his sake but if you can't after "x" amount of time, would he consider moving to another location? He sounds like a wonderful man who will want to do everything in his power to make you happy and needs time to consider the possibility of not staying in the place he calls home. You may surprise yourself after a certain period of time and grow to love the place. It takes time to make new friends and call a new location, "Home." If you don't make the adjustment, at least you know you gave it your all for a reasonable period of time. That's not quitting and giving up. It's just another chapter in this exciting adventure called, "Life." - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: What do you do if you are always picking people apart? I am very critical of not only myself but everyone I meet. I seem to find the worst in people. I don't want to be this type of person anymore because it is affecting my wife and my kids. My wife says she is not willing to live with my negativity anymore but I don't know how to change. - Mac

Dear Mac: You are not alone. Many people find themselves focusing more on what is wrong with a person rather than what is right. I'm going to spend a little more time than I usually do in this column showing you some examples on how you can actually train yourself to change the way you see yourself as well as others. You can train yourself to make this shift from negative to positive by simply talking back to yourself as soon as you start to think a negative thought about someone.

Here are some examples of some negative traits that can be turned into positive

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Say you know someone who is unenthusiastic. How can we look at this trait as a positive? This person is calm and soothing to be around. He or she is usually level-headed and well grounded. This person doesn't get upset at trivial matters and isn't prone to mood swings. He or she is often patient, consistent, and low-key. Statements that would make this person feel good are:

I like the way you have such a calming effect on everyone.

I like the fact that you are so even-tempered.

It's such a pleasure to be with such an easygoing person.

It's such a pleasure to see you so relaxed and comfortable most of the time.

Is someone you know indecisive? Here is a person who is open to all possibilities. He or she usually sees many alternatives in any given situation. This person is often flexible, open-minded, and philosophical. Statements that make this type of person feel good are:

I like being with someone who takes time to make a decision and doesn't act impulsively.

I like being with someone who considers other people's feelings and needs along with his own. People who know you are lucky to have someone who listens to everyone's opinion and gives everyone a voice in the final decision.

Do you know someone who you think is egotistical? Here is a person who knows what he or she wants. This person is goal-oriented and usually assumes leadership roles. He or she takes on a great deal of responsibility. He or she is often independent, confident, and strong-willed. Statements that make this type of person feel good are:

I like the way you are always in control of a situation.

It is so wonderful to be with someone who feels good about themselves. You teach people to stand up for what they believe in.

It is great being with someone who is so positive in their approach to life.

Do you view someone as disorganized? This is a person who is fun to be with. He or she has the ability to live in the present. This person is never in a hurry and will make you stop and smell the roses. He or she is often creative, spontaneous, and multifaceted. Statements that make this type of person feel good are:

I like the way you can do many things at the same time. It's so nice to know someone who puts fun ahead of orderliness

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I like the way you don't let little things bother you. You always have such original ideas.

Do you know someone who you think is too emotional? Here is a person who usually lives life in a passionate way. He or she has a deeper level of understanding because he or she is very sensitive and intuitive. This person is often tender, compassionate, and sentimental. Statements that make this type of person feel good are:

I like the fact that you are deeply concerned about everyone.

I like the fact that I can tell you anything and you can feel what I feel.

I like the fact that you feel so passionate about life.

I like how deeply things touch you.

I hope these examples have helped you to see trait in your own personality as well as others in a more positive light. Life is too short to dwell on anyone's shortcomings. Put some blinders on and accentuate the positive. You will find out that you will have more fun and people will want to be around you as well. Everyone deserves to feel good. Help your children feel good about themselves by sending positive messages and supporting their dreams, and make your mate happy by verbalizing the things you love about him or her. You'll see that as you continue to notice something positive, even if it's just one little thing, you'll start to get a positive response back. When you make someone feel good about themselves, they will want to do the same to you. - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: I hope it's not too late. I have taken my wife for granted for so long and have not been supportive at all. I was controlling and gave her a guilt trip in the hope of her loving me back. I screwed up and now the wall is built and she will not take anything I say as I mean it. We are now going to marriage counselors. Each of us has our own counselor but it does not seem to be helping our marriage. I want to do what it takes to make our marriage right and give her the life she deserves. But right now I have done so much to offend her that she wants nothing to do with me. I realize that the last few years of our marriage have not been too exciting for her. I let our marriage become so mundane that she lost all interest in romance. Also, she got a job that I didn't like and I had no interest in it. What a mistake! Now she has totally shut me out and will not share any part of her life with me. We have two terrific boys and we both agree that we don't want to put them through a divorce. Over the last 11 years I told her that I loved her so often that it doesn't mean anything anymore. Now I realize that actions that speak louder than the words. I'm willing to change. I just hope that she stays around long enough for me to show her that I can changes. This is going to take a long time to fix. I would appreciate any suggestions on how to make this work. - Gerald

Dear Gerald: The first step in changing any situation is recognizing what you've done wrong. It sounds like you do. I know you want her to respond instantly to you, but it's taken years for you to get to this point and it's going to take time for her to believe that you can truly change. My suggestion is to write your wife a long love letter, letting her know how you've screwed up and how much she means to you. You need to take a lot of time wring this and make sure it comes from the bottom of your heart. You need to incorporate the following points:

1. If you can get back to loving each other, your sons will have the role models they need and deserve.

2. That you need new information to change your ways and the internal tapes in your head. That you are willing to take courses, read books, listen to tapes, etc., whatever it takes to make the necessary changes and win back her confidence in you.

3. Assure her that after you make these changes she still doesn't feel that your relationship is worth saving, you won't bother her anymore.

See what her response is. If she is open to trying, get to work! Good luck and don't give up hope. Keep loving her no matter how unlovable she seems and when you least expect it, she'll start to respond. - Dr. Ellen.

Dear Dr. Ellen: My husband says that since the birth of our baby, he feels very distant from me. We have been married for 5 years and it took 3 years for me to get pregnant so I take motherhood very seriously. Here is where I need your help. Our son, who is 8 months old, sleeps in our bed every night. My husband resents that, but I feel that a child needs closeness and comfort and it's much easier than getting up and going into his room every time he cries. A child is this needy for only a short time and I think it's selfish for my husband to act needy as well. - Carol

Dear Carol: For years I've heard this complaint mostly from men - that once their child starts sharing their bed, they feel very distant from their wives and their sex life becomes nonexistent. After all, if the child is in your bed, you are not going to be cuddling, kissing, wearing a sexy nightgown or sleeping in each other's arms. The other problem I have with having your child sleeping in your bed is that you actually train your child to need you physically close in order for them to fall asleep. So forget about ever going out on a date or going away for a weekend getaway. You can't keep catering to your child's needs and forget about your husband's needs. Eventually your relationship is going to be destroyed. Listen to my rule: THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN A MAN AND A WOMAN MUST BE STRONGER AND OF A HIGHER PRIORITY THAN THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN A PARENT AND A CHILD. When a child is the center of attention, and everything revolves around the child, everyone including the child, suffers. Because, without realizing it, little by little, day by day, you'll lose your identity as a woman, a wife and a lover and just become "mommy" 24 hours a day. I never thought twice about taking my own children into our bed with us when they were scared or sick. In a few days the cold cleared up, the diaper rash disappeared, the tooth finally cut through the gum or the fever was gone and it was time for my child to return to their own bed. There's a big difference with sharing your bed sometimes and sharing your bed all the time.

Take your husband's feelings seriously and remember, what's best for your son is for mommy and daddy to love each other. I vote for teaching your son that it is his responsibility to fall asleep on his own, and if he should wake up in the middle of the night.... to fall back asleep on his own. You reclaim your social life, your sex life and your own restful sleep. - Dr. Ellen.

Dear Dr. Ellen: Please help! I'm a salesman by profession and all day long I try to earn a living. I discuss, I evaluate, I critique, I talk. I really don't feel like coming home and doing more of the same. My wife, on the other hand, practically attacks me at the door and wants to talk. How can I make her understand that all I want is peace and quiet? I think I deserve that! - Neil

Dear Neil: I think a big difference between men and women is that women seem to enjoy conversation for its own sake. It's an end in itself. There are no ulterior motives. Most men, on the other hand, seem to engage in conversation as a means to an end. I know you had no problem talking when you were first dating because you had a goal in mind. You wanted her to find you desirable. So, you were charming, witty, and paid a lot of attention to her. You were interested in what she had to say. Once you knew that you had won her over, there was no the need to continue to do all those things. But, you are wrong! I understand that you want to relax when you come home, and you do deserve time alone but you also have to take your wife's feelings into consideration. It is not enough for her to have a man that says, "I'm home, aren't I. What more do you want?" If you think that your gift to your wife is giving her the chance to watch you eat, sleep and sit in front of the TV, you're in for a big surprise. She has every right to want the same man that she fell in love with, the one who took the time to let her know how special she was, how interesting she was to talk to. So, I want you to carve out 30 minutes a day to talk. Decide on a time that's convenient for both of you. I just don't want it to be a monologue. It has to be a time when both of you share your day with each other; 15 minutes for you and 15 minutes for her. She'll be thrilled if you tell her that when you come home, you need a few minutes to unwind but then at 8, 9, 10 o'clock, whatever time you decide, you'll spend 30 minutes of uninterrupted time with her. Benefits will come back to you in many, many ways. Just do it! - Dr. Ellen.

Dear Dr. Ellen: My spouse is an alcoholic. I knew he drank a lot when we were first married. We just had our 10th year anniversary. I just wasn't aware of how long it had been going on or why. He is very unhappy on the inside from childhood scaring, etc. He will admit to the disease, but is not ready to drastically change his life by getting help. I have been patiently waiting, and encouraging him to make the change on this own desire (not just because I want him to). We have great sex, but our communication and common interests are changing for the worse. I married him 'til death do us part', How can I help this situation? Please advise. - Brenda

Dear Brenda: Your question about how to help your husband would be the same as asking me how to help him if he was diagnosed with cancer. You could love him and have great sex but unless he went to a doctor for treatment for his disease you'd simply have to watch him deteriorate. The problem I have with calling alcoholism a disease is, that if you can put 12 people in a room and they can decide not to drink anymore, then how is it a disease. If you put 12 people with cancer, diabetes or AIDS in a room they can decide whatever they want and nothing they say or do will change their condition. I've always felt that people decide to drink or not drink.

Unfortunately, the only time someone goes for help or decides to change on their own is when they finally lose everything and everyone who matters to them. Then miraculously they are motivated to change. Watching someone who chooses to destroy themselves little by little, one drink at a time is not what marriage is supposed to be. I say that you stand by his side through thick and thin when events or situations happen that he has no control over. However, if he chooses the alcohol over you, he may need to know what it's like to lose the person who loves him more than anyone else in this world. That may be the only way to help him decide that you are more important than the alcohol. In the meantime I think you should go to a support group like Al-Anon. There are many other helpful sites on the Internet where you can get support and feedback from other people who have gone through what you are going through. - Dr. Ellen.

Dear Dr. Ellen: I'm married and have a 3-year-old daughter. I've always been a very capable person for as long as I can remember. When I was working in an office I prided myself in getting everything done quickly and perfectly. Now that I am a mother I am very critical of my daughter when I see her doing things that are not up to my standards. My husband thinks I should back off but I feel that when she does something she should be taught to do it right or not at all.

It's actually less work to do the household chores myself than to have her help. I'd rather wait until she's older when she will be more capable of following directions. I'd really like your input on this. Thanks. - Jean

Dear Jean: Everyone seems to understand the importance of practice when learning to play a musical instrument or participating in a sport. Many women, however, have a difficult time realizing that it also takes practice to become skilled at making beds, washing dishes, vacuuming or doing other household chores. If you take over a chore for a child because you know you can do it better and faster, then your child never gets the chance to practice. If you are the type of person who says, "I'll pour the milk because you'll spill it" or "I'll make the bed because you'll do a sloppy job" or I'll clean your room because it will take you too long," then you aren't giving your child enough practice doing things for herself.

It's important to realize that when a young child gives you help, it's probably going to take more time to complete the job than if you were to do it yourself. Instead of getting frantic about what needs to be done today, try to take a longer range view, keeping in mind the big picture.

Children between the ages of two and four seem to have great interest in helping. This is the ideal time to encourage them. Don't make the mistake of pushing your child aside or belittling her efforts because she is more trouble than help. Being patient and understanding while your child is still young will bring much better results than waiting until she's older and then suddenly trying to force her to do chores. If children aren't encouraged when they are interested, they can't be expected to want to help when they are older. Praise is one of the most valuable teaching tools and motivators that you can use as a parent. Lavish her with praise for any little thing she does, such as carrying her plate to the kitchen sink. You'll find that as you notice and praise your daughter, she will become more and more helpful. - Dr. Ellen.

Dear Dr. Ellen: My husband and I are both struggling to make ends meet. We live from paycheck to paycheck. I worry a great deal that my kids don't have a lot of toys and nice clothes. Will they grow up resenting us for having them and then not being able to give them things that other kids have? - Jan

Dear Jan: The best gift you ever give your children is belief in themselves. That is done by giving lots of praise and surrounding them with love, not by giving them toys and nice clothes. The happiest, most well adjusted children come from a home where mom and dad love each other. Remember this always - "A shack can be a mansion when love lives there and a palace can be a prison without love." Getting books from the library and reading to them, taking long walks and pointing out the beauty in nature, spending time talking to them, going on picnics, smiles, hugs and kisses will be what your children will remember and feel blessed for having you as parents. - Dr. Ellen.

Dear Dr. Ellen: I have been married for less than a year and my sex life is not going well. We were both virgins when we got married so both of us did not have any experience. I don't know what to do because I don't want to hurt his feelings and I am embarrassed to talk to him about it. He's not romantic at all and it's getting to the point that I dread going to bed with him because the only one who seems to be satisfied, is him. I don't want to ask my mom or friends for advice so I thought I would write to you. - Janet

Dear Janet: Let's put it this way, every man has the potential of being a great lover - some have just not lived up to their potential. Believe it or not, the job of teaching him about romance is going to be left up to you. Why? Because he, like many men, did not learn about romance and what to do to please a woman. After all, listen to any locker-room talk in high school and boys will ask each other, "Did you get any last night?" "Did you score?" "Did you conquer?" These are not tender, loving questions. These are selfish, immature questions, yet some men of all ages still operate on this level.

A man usually gets sexually aroused by looking at a magazine, an x-rated movie, large breasts or long legs. His response is immediate and his reactions are physical. For most women, sex is not an immediate reaction. It takes at least 30 minutes for her to become aroused. She also needs to feel emotionally connected to respond in a physical way. For a man to become a great lover, he has to be taught sensitivity, tenderness and patience.

When asked, men who are very romantic usually attribute their knowledge to a woman who told them what they needed from them romantically. Some men were lucky enough to learn about romance from their sisters who actually taught them what women respond to and how they like to be treated. Others have had experienced women give them lessons. Still other men have said that they have had women leave them because they weren't romantic enough and so the second time around they learned to do things differently.

Men are not mind readers. Their bodies work differently than yours. Your husband needs to know what pleases you. It's up to you to tell him what turns you on. Some women love to have their hair brushed or have their feet massaged. Others can't stand that. You have to communicate in a loving way, what pleases you. And the time to do that is NOT while you are in the middle of making love but before, when you are just beginning to kiss and you know he's in the mood. You can say something like, "You know what really turns me on is for you to hold me for a few minutes and talk to me, or read something to me." It doesn't really matter what it is, as long as it is something that will help you get in the mood.

Here are points to remember:

1) A woman gets aroused by words - I don't know any man who goes into a bookstore and buys a gothic novel. Men are much more visual.

2) A man's hormone level is at the highest level in the morning; so many times he wakes up and wants to make love. Her hormone level is highest in the evening and that's why she likes to make love after they've had a lovely evening together.

3) After a couple makes love, a man produces a hormone that puts him to sleep and a woman produces a hormone that makes her wide awake. So she wants to cuddle and there he is snoring! So she thinks, "He's just using me."

The bottom line: we are very different and we need to learn, understand and talk about our differences. You may feel embarrassed the first few times but it's worth it. For him to become a good lover, it's going to require you becoming a good teacher. - Dr. Ellen.

Dear Dr. Ellen: How do I get control of my life without letting my husband control or rule me. I am too emotionally in love with him and as a result, I give in to all his desires and wants. Even if I am not too happy with all of his decisions, I still do what he wants me to do. How can I change that? - Veronica

Dear Veronica: It is an awful feeling to give up who you are in order to make someone else happy. I know you don't want to, "rock the boat," or "make waves," but in a good relationship that's exactly what you have to do.

Wouldn't it be better if we fell in love with someone who was exactly like us, had the same personality, interests, likes and dislikes? Absolutely not! Do you know why? Because we're all on this journey called life in order to learn and grow. You learn nothing when you're always in complete agreement with another person. Conflict leads to growth. It does not have to lead to divorce. Most men and women feel that conflict or problems means that the relationship isn't working. I believe that a relationship cannot work UNLESS there are problems and conflicts. Your husband may feel that he should make all the decisions, but it's up to you to teach him differently. If you stand up for what you believe and want, yes, there will be conflict. But there will also be growth, compromise and respect for each other.

Your husband can only learn to be more tender and understanding by getting a negative reaction to his behavior when he acts like a dictator. I've heard so many women say, "I gave up everything for that man, I did everything I could to please him, and he left me." Of course these men eventually leave! When you give up everything, you give up yourself! Nobody wants to be with a sponge or parasite, or even worse, a "nothing." When you give up you, you cease to exist.

The next time you feel that you are living with a dictator instead of a partner because he hasn't asked for your opinion, clearly state your feelings and then stick to them. The key to standing your ground without inciting a riot is to use "I" statements instead of "You" statements.

For example, "I want to be included in this decision," instead of, "You never include me in anything." Here's another example. "I don't agree with what you want to do, so we'll have to discuss this further and come up with some sort of compromise" instead of "you are wrong and making a big mistake."

"I" statements take responsibility for your feelings. "You" statements always attack the other person. The first time you tell your mate how you feel, you may be told that you're stupid or ridiculous for feeling that way. Your obligation is to stand behind your feelings. You can respond by saying, "It may be ridiculous or stupid to you, but it's the way I feel." Your husband may become angry and withdrawn for a few days, but eventually he'll come around. This new behavior on your part will earn his respect in the long run. - Dr. Ellen.

Dear Dr. Ellen: My daughter is 29 and has a 6 month little girl. Her husband just left her and she wants to move back home so she can go back to school and get her degree. I don't work, so I could certainly help her out. She's not lazy and I know she can do anything she puts her mind to. I don't think it's a problem but all my friends think it's a big mistake that I let her come back and disrupt my husband and I. What's your opinion? - Patty

Dear Patty: I think that many people have lost sight of what a family unit is really all about. First of all, just knowing about your daughter's painful experience disrupts your life no matter what you decide to do. Knowing how your daughter must be suffering has to be painful to you as well. Abandoning your daughter at this time when she really needs you is unthinkable to me and obviously to you. Your daughter needs some time to sort things out. She also needs help with raising her daughter. Her idea of going back to school is a good one. Getting herself to a point where she can be independent will be good for everybody. What she needs is a shoulder to lean on and your husband can provide that. You will look back on this time as a very meaningful part of your life, especially if your daughter is able to get back on her own feet again and you and your husband were instrumental in helping her do so. Chances are you'll be closer than ever and what an opportunity to have your granddaughter there with both of you every day. Make sure to take some time for yourself and with your husband as well. You can work out a schedule that will benefit everyone. - Dr. Ellen.

Dear Dr. Ellen: I have an 8-year-old son. He is a large child. Both his father and I are large (not necessarily fat). His dad is big boned and so is he. My son weighs 100 lbs. but the doctor said he is only about 10 lbs. overweight. The doctor said not to worry because he is perfectly healthy. My son is bigger than his classmates. The problem is that he is getting picked on. The other kids call him "fatso" and stuff like that. My son is not one to fight and he gets his feelings hurt. How can I help him handle this problem? My son will be bigger than kids his age from now on. He is built just like his dad. I am frustrated and hurt because I do not know how to help him. My son is very handsome but now, even at 8 he is starting to obsess about his looks and build. If you could give me some advice I would appreciate it. - Laura

Dear Laura: First of all, I'm glad you took him to the doctor to find out that he's in good health. The most important thing you can do for your son is to let him know that it is safe to share his feelings with you. Set aside some time each day for him to share his day. Be there for him and it will make all the difference in the world as he grows to manhood.

As a mother of three I know this is breaking your heart right now. I want to assure you that most children are picked on, or made fun of, at some point in their lives. Whether it's someone who is called, "Bucky Beaver" because of their buck teeth, "four eyes" because they wear glasses, "Ugly Green Giant" because they are tall, "fatso" because they are overweight, "Dumbo, the Flying Elephant" because they have big ears (that was my nickname), children are cruel.

I believe they have to be taught compassion, understanding and tolerance. Children lash out at other children and cause them pain if they are experiencing pain in their own lives. A child in your son's class may be living with an abusive parent and have no control at home so he comes to class and let's out his frustration and anger on his classmates. A good-natured son like yours who comes from a loving home with parents who care, is no match for a neglected, verbally or physically abused child at his age. I'd get him involved in a hobby, sport or club as soon as possible so he begins to feel good about himself. Keeping your son active and involved will counteract the hurt he feels when he's called names.

I just saw a movie on TV about Tiger Woods. At one point when Tiger tells his mom how unfairly he's being treated because of the color of his skin, she says, "Tiger, don't talk back with your mouth, talk back with your golf clubs." I wonder who has the last word today!

Research the programs offered in your neighborhood, the extracurricular activities at his school and let him try everything until he finds something he really likes. For example, it might be a musical instrument, civic projects, art, drama or sports. The more he is exposed to, the better his chances are for developing lasting friendships with other kids who have similar interests. Encourage your son to excel by hard work and dedication. Let him know that the children who are hurting him are hurting as well or they wouldn't be so cruel.

I'd also have a meeting with his teacher and let him or her know what's going on. Suggest he or she have a lesson on kindness, tolerance and acceptance and how our behavior can affect others. If you don't get any help, I'd go straight to the principal and explain what needs to be done in the classroom. And let's not forget an area where "size does matter" - in sports. Someday he might be a welcome addition to any football, basketball, wrestling or track team. - Dr. Ellen.

Dear Dr. Ellen: You're going to think that I am the worst father alive but here it goes anyway: Ever since my wife gave birth, she pays very little attention to me. I know she's exhausted, and nursing the baby takes up a lot of time, but I can't help feeling jealous of my son. I don't know what to do with my feelings but I do know that I feel so awful for having them. - Pete

Dear Pete: Even though you can never have the biological experience of pregnancy or childbirth and cannot possibly understand the psychological turmoil that accompanies so many physical changes, you do have your own adjustments to make. Believe me you are not alone. Many men have said that they don't like having to share their wife's love with someone else, even though that someone else is only 7 pounds. The sheer physical pleasure of snuggling, caressing, rubbing, tickling, and holding that was once reserved for you is now shared with a child. Many times a mother may also feel hostility toward her child if she finds her husband paying more attention to the child than he does to her. This is a time when both partners need to feel loved and desired. Each waits for the other to give a kiss, a hug, a message or anything to show how he or she cares. Neither does anything. Both are disappointed and angry. Each person thinks, it was never like this before we had a baby!

The most important thing to do during this crucial time is to be sensitive to each other's needs and to share your feelings. Don't be afraid to admit that you feel jealous, resentful or hurt. I have found that many couples are ashamed of their feelings, thinking it's not right or "normal" to feel what they feel. Fear that your feelings are unacceptable will cause you to hide them and will interfere with open communication. Such a lack of communication can eventually destroy a relationship. Let your wife know that you need to feel close to her and together see if you can come up with a plan that will accomplish that. Helping out as much as you can with the housework, preparation of meals and holding and changing the baby, may give your wife the extra time she needs in order to give you the attention you need. - Dr. Ellen.

Dear Dr. Ellen: I've been married for 9 years and I have two children ages 2 and 5. Here's my problem. I work part time and never feel that there are enough hours in the day to get everything done. I'll admit that sex is the last thing that's on my list because I'm exhausted most of the time. My husband used to try and give me a kiss on the lips but I usually turned away. Now he doesn't even try anymore. I heard you on a talk show, talking about how important kissing is and I am embarrassed to say that now all I get is a peck on the cheek or forehead. How can I get back his kisses before he decides to give them to someone else? - Lisa

Dear Lisa: When a couple stands at the alter and vows to love each other, "Till death do us part," they take for granted that they will be intimately connected forever. The kiss at the end of the ceremony symbolizes that connection. The kiss, as far as I'm concerned, is the core of a relationship. It is a barometer of how things are going. If a couple is not kissing then they are having sex, not making love. If you are no longer kissing passionately, your relationship is in trouble. Most couples aren't even aware of when their relationship started changing. What started out as a passionate relationship, over time becomes a friendship. One day you wake up and realize, "Oh, my gosh, we're roommates and no longer lovers!

Well, I'm here to tell you that you can keep your friend but you must get your lover back too. When you give someone a peck on the cheek, that says, "I love you," but a 10-second kiss says, "I'm still in love with you!" Of all the homework assignments I give, the 10-second kiss has the most immediate and dramatic effect. If you give it in the morning it sets the tone for the rest of the day and if you give it in the evening it sets the mood for the rest of the evening. It's not your brother, sister peck on the cheek that feels comfortable and platonic. It's a passionate kiss that makes you feel warm, close and connected.

The plan is simple. I want you to shock your husband this week and give him a passionate 10-second kiss. You can do it in the morning or evening but I want it to be a surprise. I don't want the two of you having a conversation over whether or not you should do this. The only way that you are going to see the results is to just do it! When he says, "What's gotten into you, you can tell him, "We are not going to be just mommy and daddy anymore or roommates. From now on we are going to be lovers! Whenever we haven't seen each other for a long period of time, that's the way we are going to greet each other from now on!"

Before you kiss, you may feel embarrassed, uncomfortable, tense, annoyed or distant. After, I promise, you'll feel close, warm and connected.

When we kiss, we are exchanging our breath with one another. When we exchange breath, we are breathing in our mate's life force, his energy and he is breathing in ours. In this way we become one. This is why this is such an intimate act. By the way, the longest kiss in the "The Guinness Book of World Records," is 417 hours. Just be glad I'm only asking you to kiss for 10 seconds! - Dr. Ellen.

Dear Dr. Ellen: We've been married for 28 years, and my wife has been very, very repressed in being able to both communicate and also in being able to express her sexuality. We've been in therapy for this for 2 years and it's getting better, but my patience is about at an end. I need for her to open up to me, both verbally and sexually. She's making such slow progress that I just don't know if I can wait for years more, and feel miserable and frustrated and depressed that whole time, instead of just figuring I can't change her and getting a divorce and starting a new relationship. I don't want to throw away my marriage, but she openly admits that sex just isn't important to her, and it very important to me (it's a rejection issue for me). Any suggestions? - Stan

Dear Stan: I believe that opposites attract and that we each have something to learn from and to teach our mate. It is usually a man who teaches a woman that her body is beautiful and something to be proud of and enjoy. He also teaches her to become more physical, to enjoy sex, to relax and have fun. This is natural for a man because most of his life he reacts in a physical way. A man gets easily aroused by looking at a woman whether it be on film or in a magazines. His response is immediate and his reactions tend to be physical. If a man is a great lover, he has been taught tenderness, understanding, appreciation, sensitivity and patience. For a woman, sex is not an immediate reaction. It's usually a decision she makes mentally, not physically, when she is in the mood for sex. If your wife has told you that sex is not important to her, it may be a result of a lack of emotional fulfillment. If there is not a feeling of closeness, caring and understanding, she will not respond in the bedroom. Her mind is in control of her body.

As for her ability to communicate, I'm going to assume that you've always been the more verbal and outgoing one. I teach people that you need to see your mate's traits in the same loving light as you did at the beginning of your relationship. You were attracted to your mate because of your differences. Can you imagine if you and your mate were both verbal? You'd always be competing for air time. If you were both quiet types, the silence would drive you crazy. Since you are the more verbal partner, the responsibility for deepening your communication will probably be yours. Encourage her to speak more and when she does, make sure you listen. Just because you have a different communication style doesn't mean you can't appreciate each other. I'm sure you've told your wife how unhappy you are with her. If she agreed to go to therapy there was a definite desire on her part to improve her communication skills and express her sexuality. Don't give up now when you are finally seeing some improvement, no matter how small. She's finally making some progress and it's important to let her know how much that means to you. If you remain critical, demanding and impatient, there will never be any reason for her to try to please you or make some changes.

Think about all the life experiences you've shared and memories you have. Don't throw it all away. Something has kept you together for 28 years and I think with a little more tenderness and support, you'll have another 28! - Dr. Ellen.

Dear Dr. Ellen: I have been a stockbroker for over 15 years and my job causes me lots of anxiety and stress. My wife has threatened to leave me for the first time in our marriage. She says that she can't stand my mood swings, which are tied to the stock market. If the market is up, I'm in a good mood. If it's down I'm in a bad mood. I don't want a divorce but I don't know how to separate my work from my personal life. Even on the weekends, I can't relax. - Lenny

Dear Lenny: Many men make the mistake of bringing their frustrations on the job home with them. What a mistake! Imagine that you have two glasses of water in front of you. One is clear and represents your personal life and the other is cloudy and represents your professional life. Why would you want to mix the dirty water with the clear, clean water? All you would end up with is two glasses of cloudy, dirty water. Why not keep them separate? If your job doesn't fulfill your expectations for the day and is a source of disappointment, don't bring it home. It's a decision you can make. Just because one part of your life isn't working doesn't mean that the other has to break down as well.

You can decide that you've done the best you can for eight hours each day, and now you will devote the rest of the day or weekend to making your home life the best it can be. Tell your wife that you are turning over a new leaf and that you intend to make the time you spend at home count every bit as much as the time you spend at work.

Everything we do in life is a decision. Once you realize that life without the woman you love will have no meaning, then deciding to give her your attention, affection and appreciation should be an easy decision. You may think that your self-worth is tied to the stock market but bringing happiness to your wife is more valuable in the larger scheme of things. - Dr. Ellen.

Dear Dr. Ellen: My husband and I have been apart 4 years, divorced for 2 years. We have two children. The oldest, a daughter, will be 21 years old in April. She started a relationship 6 months after I left the marital home, her first ever. I was angry when I discovered that my ex husband had allowed her boyfriend, Mike, to stay over the house while our daughter, Jean, was in her room next to her younger brother. After some time of Mike "living there" I spoke up. Mike & Jean moved out when she was 18 and he was 20 and got an apartment. My ex husband has continued to pay for her car insurance and financed a car (which he pays for) and life moved on. They have had this apartment for two years and have not been able to save a dime. Mike, in the mean time, has moved around in jobs and has been employed at a fast food restaurant for the last 4 months. Jean is working in a billing department for a local hospital and taking some college classes. The lease is up in two months and Jean wants to come home to save for their wedding and a house. However, Mike's mother and father are divorced and will not allow him to move back with either one of them. I know the same thing will happen again at the ex husband's house, Mike will be living there. They will live there, bill free. My ex and I have discussed this and he wanted me to write to you also. I feel like he will be enabling her to stay with Mike. Mike is a nice guy but has no ambition. I want her to struggle to be able to see what the future holds with this guy. What would Mike do if our daughter wasn't around, live in a shelter? Please give me some suggestions to tell my ex how to handle this. I did tell Jean she could come live with me but she knows I won't allow Mike to live there with her. - Kathy

Dear Kathy: Believe it or not, I don't think that your ex husband had anything to do with the love your daughter has for Mike. If this relationship is meant to be, then Mike sleeping or not sleeping in your ex's house would not have changed that. I have always felt that, as a parent, you have no control over what your children do or don't do, whether it's on a date or if they are away at college. Your behavior however, dictates whether or not they will share their lives with you or not. Perhaps 18 was a little young, but certainly a woman who is going to be 21 is old enough to know whether she is in love or not. I met my husband when I was 17 and he was 18 and I knew that he was the man that I was going to marry. My parents thought he was too shy and too poor. Nothing they could have ever said or done would have convinced me not to marry my husband. In fact, if they had made me choose between them and my husband, they would have lost. In time, they came to love and accept him but had they not; it would have been their loss. It may be your opinion that Mike isn't ambitious enough, but I believe that, "opposites attract." Your daughter is probably the go-getter and more of an achiever, but he brings something to the table or she wouldn't be in love with him. As hard as this is going to be for you to read, I am in complete agreement with your ex. Providing this couple a roof over their heads, while they are saving to get married and buy a house, is a very loving thing to do. He's not making any judgments and loves your daughter unconditionally. There are not many dads who would do that as evidenced by Mike's parents. If this couple can survive living in a parent's home, their love is meant to be. It's not about the free ride. It's about saving for their freedom as well. No one wants to remain a little boy or little girl if they don't have to. They want their independence as much as you do, maybe even more. If your daughter learns to admire, appreciate and respect Mike for who he is, this young man will soar. He might even surprise you as well. I know that you are not that good of an actress and your daughter must feel your disappointment with her choice for a husband. Please try and give her a different message. Tell her how much you love her and if this is the man she loves, you will love him too. After all, it's really all about how he makes your daughter feel. If he's respectful and loving, that's really all you can hope for. You cannot predict the future but you can be supportive of your daughter, no matter what! So my advice to you is to let your daughter know that she and Mike are welcome in your home. They may be more comfortable using your ex husband's home as their primary residence, but wouldn't it be terrific if they felt that they could also come over to your home anytime as well. Trust me on this one, your life will be richer if you can just let go and let your daughter live her life, which means making her own mistakes. I'm sure that she was deeply affected by your divorce and yet there was nothing she could do to stop it. All she could do was love her mom and dad no matter what. Give her the same gift. - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: I have a problem between my husband and my brother. My husband and I have been together for three years. During most of this time, my brother has given my husband the cold shoulder, often not speaking to him while in his company, due to his own insecurities. The problem is that my brother is this way with the rest of our family as well on many occasions. We are just "used" to him and I would always try to justify it that way to my husband so he wouldn't take it personally. I never did address it with my brother. Just recently my husband got really fed up with my brother on an issue of professional basketball tickets. My husband felt my brother was lying to him regarding these seasons' tickets. With my encouragement, my husband finally vented his feelings to my brother. However, he did so in an email. My brother called me shocked and surprised the obvious angry tone in the email. I tried to explain to my brother how his cold shoulder has been received by my husband over the years and asked him how he would feel if the tables were turned. My brother did understand this, however insisted it was nothing personal and assured me that he had not been lying to my husband on the issue of the tickets. After we hung up, my brother tried to call my husband to clear the air. The problem is, my husband told him he couldn't talk and told me that he just doesn't like my brother after everything that has happened. He also said he "knows" my brother is lying and is just going to feed him more "lies". Therefore, my husband has no intention of contacting my brother back in any way. I tried to tell him that I feel it's important to allow my brother to respond to the email and give his side to the story. I also asked my husband to consider the possibility that my brother was not lying, but that it was just a misunderstanding. My husband didn't want to hear it and instead began accusing me of taking his "side," to which I assured him was untrue and unfair to say. I don't know what to do. My husband is now 36 years old and has not spoken to his father since he's 21, so I know all too well how long my husband can hold a grudge. I don't know if I should just mind my own business or encourage further communication between the two. Please help. - Bonnie

Dear Bonnie: This is simply the straw that broke the camel's back. This would probably be no big deal and just considered a misunderstanding if it was an isolated incident. But it sounds like it's been years that your husband has gone along with everyone and excused your brother's bad manners and behavior. First of all, your allegiance is to your husband and to step into his shoes for a change. You've been able to do that with your brother, most of your life. This is a valuable lesson for your brother and it is finally your husband who is going to teach it. It may be like the little boy who cried "Wolf" too many times and when it was real, no one believed him. This is not really about this incident but about years of selfishness. There may be nothing your brother can do right now to make up for all his bad behavior and it will take time for your husband to get over this. It sounds like your husband has been reasonable so far and I have no reason to believe, that given a little time and validation of his feelings, he'll be able to talk to your brother again. As for not talking to his own father for all these years, I would bet that his father has done some very cruel things. It takes a lot for a son to cut off all communication and I am sure it is also an accumulation of many years of either verbal or physical abuse. It is time to say one last thing to both of them and then you need to step away and let "Time heal all wounds." To your husband you say, "You have turned the other cheek for all these years because of me and I love you for that. I truly do understand how you feel and don't blame you for being upset with my brother. In fact, if you had a sister who had been acting like my brother, I don't think I could have been as wonderful as you have been. I know this is going to take time and it is up to my brother to make things right." Then you go to your brother and say, "I know that my husband may have overreacted in this situation but he's really reacting to years of feeling rejected by you. He's not going to apologize for his email and how he feels. I hope that just this one time, you can swallow your pride and make things right between the two of you. I love you and don't want to see this family torn apart. This is a misunderstanding between the two of you and nothing I say will make a difference. He needs to hear it from you." Then you must do something you will find next to impossible; step away and leave it alone. - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: My husband of 3 years does not trust me and although he hid it very well, it's all out in the open now. He's finally admitted that he was in two other relationships where he was cheated on and now feels he cannot trust me. He also says I have done nothing to make him not trust me and I will agree with that. I have been 100 percent faithful to him. Our marriage fell apart 6 months ago when I caught him breaking into my email, reading everything and anything he could find. He also checks our caller ID daily, goes through my cell phone, my drawers, and my purse and just about anything he can get his hands on. I feel every person has a right to their own personal space that nobody has a right to go and he has crossed that line. When he finally confessed to all he's been doing, we got in a huge fight and he told me it was over because he didn't feel he could ever trust me and he moved out. Since then, we decided to see a marriage counselor. We spent 4 months of weekly therapy and things were going very well. I gave it my all and felt very good about where we were. In a session one afternoon he told me how much he loved me and that he does trust me now only to catch him going through my cell phone 10 minutes after our session. I was devastated that he would lie about his feelings and felt hopeless. We stopped the counseling for a month, then decided to go back and try again but this time; I'm finding it very difficult to give it my all. I've asked him to come to me and talk to me when he is having feelings of mistrust and we can work on them together. He told me that he would prefer to cross that line into my personal space to prove it to himself that I'm not being unfaithful because he doesn't trust that I will tell him the truth. If there is one thing I am very certain of, it is that I deserve to have my own personal space (what I mean by personal space is my own thoughts, emails with my sister etc...) and do not deserve to be treated like this. I also am starting to doubt our counselor and really need your advice. I feel that my husband has some serious trust issues that have absolutely nothing to do with me, and that until he deals with that, we don't have a prayer of having a true loving and happy marriage. Our counselor said he doesn't think either of us should do any individual counseling, that the success rate is far less if either of us does individual counseling. He feels we need to keep working on things together. I do think we need to keep working together but feel my husband needs to deal with his trust issue first. I should also tell you that his father has done the same thing to his wife that my husband is doing to me so this is something my husband has grown up seeing. I'm starting to feel as though this is a waste of time. I cannot and will not accept his behavior and if he isn't willing to do it any other way, what is the point of weekly sessions? Am I being too hard on him? Should I allow him to snoop through everything? At one point I did allow him to do whatever he wanted, thinking if he continued to never find anything, he would stop. That didn't help. I trust your judgment and would very much appreciate you helping me sort through this mess. Thank you very much. - Chris

Dear Chris: I believe that when two people get married, they do become one. I have been happily married for 38 years and I can tell you that my husband and I have absolutely no "personal space." We each know each other's passwords and he can look at all of my personal emails, anytime he wants, and I can do the same. We open each other's mail and never think about it being an invasion of privacy. I will give him my cell phone to use and other times I use his. When the wash is done, whoever has the time, will put it away. That means my husband goes into my drawers and I do the same thing. I can't think of one area where I would feel that he was overstepping a boundary because I haven't set up any. In fact, you mentioned receiving and sending an email to your sister. I can't imagine not telling my husband about a conversation I had with my brother. We are both very interested in each other's lives and the conversations we have with family members. I do think you are being too hard on him and should let him snoop to his heart's content. When you love someone, you have to do everything in your power to insure that they are secure with your love, especially since you know that he has been hurt before and has trust issues. There is not a human being alive that doesn't come into a marriage without some baggage. I think that the future success of your marriage is going to depend on whether you accept that we all have hang ups based on our upbringing and experiences. Of course you had nothing to do with his present issues, but that doesn't mean you can't help him heal. I think you can build a wonderful life if you can decide that your life will now become an open book (to your husband) and live with the motto, "what's mine is yours." I don't think that too many people would agree with me on this one and it will be very interesting to see other people's reactions to your situation. - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: My husband and I are happily married for 5 years now and we are blessed with 2 beautiful daughters, aged 3 and 19 months. The problem is my husband's sister, a single parent, is dying of cancer and she has 2 kids, a boy, 15 and a girl, 10. She is his only sibling and she wants us to have the custody of her kids. I have no problem taking in her daughter, but my fear is about the boy. He is really bad news. I mean, he not only uses foul language, he beats up on his sister, fights with his mom, watches porn, smokes and I wouldn't be surprised if he is taking drugs. My sister-in-law is slipping away and her son is really out of control. Every time they visit, he would bring porn tapes into our house and even after we confronted him, he wouldn't mind us and still tried to sneak them in. We caught him trying to log into porn sites with our internet account and when my husband confronted him, he lied and said that they are just pop-ups and it was not his fault. My husband is really torn within because his sister, who is 15 years older than him, had been like a mom to him all his life, taking care of him when he was a child and doing things a mother should do. Their own mother, also a single parent, worked all the time and she is in her 60's now and she lives with us and takes care of our kids while my husband and I both work full-time. My mother-in-law is really putting a lot of guilt on my husband talking about how family sticks together, etc. but she is really blind to her only grandson's actions. We have tried to talk to her but she thinks this is what all teenagers do and all he needs is a father figure in his life. But personally, I think he is beyond that. He needs to be in a boot camp or something. I am really afraid of the possibility that he might rape our daughters or even kill us in our sleep. My husband said that if we turn him away, he will end up on the street and either kill or be killed. Personally, I would be less afraid if I didn't have two young toddlers at home who are totally defenseless and can be easily influenced by his cursing all the time. The boy does not respect or listen to anybody and we really don't know what to do with him. My sister-in-law has about 2-3 months to live and she needs to make out her will but her position is either, take both of my kids and keep them together or the deal is off. Am I selfish in denying her dying wish after all that she did for my husband, or should we just take her "ticking bomb" son in and hope for the best?? Please help!! - Jill

Dear Jill: This is a very difficult situation that you are in, but I really can't see you taking in a child who is so out of control. Whatever he is doing now will only get worse when his mother dies. I can't imagine the pain this young man is going through but I don't believe that you are equipped psychologically to handle this type of child. You would need years of training to take on this type of responsibility. This is truly a decision of what will feel "less bad." Either decision you make, will not feel good. If it was just you and your husband, I think I would guide you differently, but since you have more than just the two of you to consider, I think that you would be subjecting your own children to a dangerous individual as well as his friends. Usually, as the saying goes, "Birds of a feather, stick together." The 10 year old deserves a chance but your sister-in-law is making this an impossible situation by demanding that this be a package deal. I think you are going to have to be honest with her and tell her that you have decided that you cannot handle the 15 year old. Even if he has not been part of this boy's life, you should try and contact his biological father, who is really responsible for him and should be involved in his future. If not, you will have to look into a good program (boot camp) that could possibly shape him up. If there are no other relatives or alternatives, then perhaps your husband's mom could move in with these children for the next few years. You would then either have to find live-in help, or quit your job to stay home with your children. I do not think your marriage can survive two full-time working parents, a disturbed teenager, a newly acquired 10 year old, a live-in mother-in-law and two children under the age of 4. You do not want to follow in the footsteps of his sister and mom. You'll need to be the strong one here because someone has to be looking at this from a rational point of view. In this case, following your heart will lead to disaster. It will be interesting to hear what our subscribers think. - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: I was recently married after a two-year courtship. Because this is a second marriage for Bob and me, we had a private, small ceremony and an open house where we invited family only so they could get to know one another. My son John, 23, is an only child, and has few relatives. He was very excited that he would become part of my husband's large family, who has lots of "cousins." A couple weeks prior to the wedding, my son asked me to speak to my husband's brothers and sisters and ask them to pass along that he was inviting his new cousins to his home after the open house, which was held in the early afternoon. He took a day off work to get ready. At the open house, he found out that none of my husband's brothers and sisters had mentioned this to their children, so he personally walked around to each new cousin to invite them to his home. I walked around with him to introduce him. Each cousin said they would be there. They were excited about getting together. None of them showed up. To make it worse, I overheard the cousins planning to go to a cousin's home, and John was not invited. I think that John was hurt by this situation. Although he has not personally been invited to the Thanksgiving dinner that is being planned by Bob's family, I felt that I could invite him. He declined. When I talked to my husband, I mentioned that I thought John was somewhat hurt about the above incident. His reply was that they didn't mean anything by it, John should get over it, and he didn't want to discuss it again. I do not plan to be in the middle or even necessarily pursue anything, but now I am looking for peace of mind myself. I would appreciate any comments you may have. - Janet

Dear Janet: It's hard to believe that in a two year courtship, your son would not have already met your husband's family at Christmas or Thanksgiving. As for this particular disappointment, since it was not a formal invitation, and John didn't call his cousins directly, I feel that your husband's brothers and sisters simply thought of it as a nice, casual, unplanned "afterthought" and it was not a big deal. I'm sure, if they did mention it to their own children, it was a "by the way, John wants to have the cousins over his home after the wedding." Young adults, in their early 20's are all living their own lives and their parents have very little influence over what they do or don't do. His cousins probably felt uncomfortable going to John's house without really knowing him. For them, the less embarrassing way out, was to smile politely and have no real intention of going because they had already made other plans, not realizing how hurt he would be. How many times have you heard another adult say, "I'll call you" and they don't, or "We should get together soon," and you never hear from them? I think that it will take time for his cousins to think of him as "family" and that happens over time and many family gatherings. John sounds like a wonderful, mature, young man who has every reason to be hurt. He went out of his way to personally invite every one of them and they never showed up, after agreeing to come. The thing that concerns me the most is your husband's reaction. You would think that he would be concerned about his family's lack of sensitivity to his new step-son. Instead, his comment that "John should get over it, and he didn't want to discuss it again," sounds very cold and insensitive to me. I would think that he would want to talk to John himself, just to praise him for what he tried to do, and let him know how he understands his disappointment. You may want to talk to your son and tell him to try and make one more attempt by coming to Thanksgiving. Explain to him that they just don't really know him and that would be a great chance for them to see what a terrific young man he is. Most importantly, it would mean so much to you to have him there. He may think that now that you have a new family, you don't need him and that is the last thing you want him to think. Regardless of whether he agrees or not, you should validate his feelings and tell him how proud you are of him. - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: I have a daughter who is a single mother of my 6 year old grandson. They lived with me until Ben was 3, and we are very close. My daughter is getting married in a few months and has moved in with her fiance, Sam (whom I adore). He has two daughters, one of them being the same age as Ben. I really like both of his girls, but I really want to spend alone time with my grandson. The problem is that I want to pick Ben up from school sometimes, but the daughter who is his age, always wants to do or go wherever he goes. When my daughter approached her fiance, his comment was that his mother always includes Ben and would never think of picking up just the girls. I don't mind picking them up too, but it's just that sometimes I want to do things with just him. Am I being selfish? - Gina

Dear Gina: I believe that it is very important to spend time alone with each of the grandchildren. Each child needs that precious one-on-one time when all your attention is focused on him or her. I speak as a former teacher, relationship expert and grandmother, when I say that your instincts are 100% correct and your daughter and her fiance are wrong for making you feel badly about spending time alone with Ben. I do believe that right now, it is important for these children to bond and all three should be included as much as possible, but doing that all the time, cheats each child out of the quality time with his or her grandmother. That same principle applies to parents as well. If a parent does a good job, each child will feel connected and special because they enjoy some private time with each parent. It is definitely important for you to bond with your future granddaughters and I believe that will happen much more quickly, if each of them can spend some time alone with you. Making it a group outing, every single time, will cheat Ben out of the special bond you have developed. But, in the end, you don't want to create friction and so I think it is important that you come up with a solution that will be a win/win for everyone. Talk to your daughter and Sam and tell them that you would like to begin a "Special Day With Grandma" for each of the children. You might want to share my response with them and hopefully, they might see that what you want to do is actually very healthy for all the children. If Sam is as wonderful as you say he is, I can't imagine him not seeing this from a different point of view. After all, just because his mom does things a certain way, doesn't mean it's the right way. - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: I'm seeking some advice on how to handle a post-affair problem. My husband cheated last year with a woman he employed in his office. To cut a long story short, she got another job in another state on his advice and moved away. It was at this point our relationship hit rock bottom. Not long after her move, he began to contact her again. Then he told me he had no feelings for me anymore. We separated for three months and it was during this separation that he decided that our relationship meant so much more to him and cut off all contact with this woman. Now, we're back together and working on ourselves individually and on our relationship together. So things are good and we are committed to staying together and being happy together. Our sex life is back and things should be rosy. My problem is that this woman continues to try to make contact, the latest being a birthday card to my husband just last month. My take on it all was that this woman could send him a card every day if she's stupid enough; it would be whether he responded to her that would bother me. I remind myself that she is living hundreds of miles away with no chance of seeing him. However, on speaking to our counselor about this, her advice was that my husband has obviously not made his situation clear enough to this woman and that I should be questioning why he has left this avenue open to her. I should be questioning whether he really has ended things properly. So, a can of worms has been opened and it is now feeding my insecurity. I have spoken to my husband about this and how it has made me feel and he has reassured me he is ignoring any contact she attempts to make. I know he is the type of person who likes to please, so I imagine he would have let this other woman down as gently as possible. I do believe him when he says it is over and he is ignoring her. I guess I'd like another viewpoint and maybe a suggestion as to how to handle this. - Natalie

Dear Natalie: Most women would not try and make contact with a married man unless they have not shut the door completely. When a man ends an affair, he may say something vague like, "Right now, we need to cool things," or "I'm going to stay married, but who knows if it will work?" or "I think for now, we should try and stay away from each other." In his mind, he is ending it, but not with the conviction and decisiveness that other woman must hear, if she is to believe what he is saying. Ask your husband to return the card with a note that he writes in front of you saying, "As I told you, I am committed to my marriage and would appreciate it if you would not send me any more emails, cards, phone calls, etc. Our affair is over and I do not wish to hurt my wife anymore than I already have. I'm so sorry for the pain I caused you as well but I hope you will respect my request." Then YOU mail the letter. If he refuses, then he is saying that her feelings are more important than yours and he wants to keep the door open. Many people don't realize that an on-going affair means that there was an emotional connection as well. So, long after the physical affair stops, they may still keep up the emotional connection they have. There are secret phone calls and emails wanting to know how the other person is doing and how much they are missed. This is still cheating you out of the exclusive physical and emotional connection the two of you must have if you are going to make your marriage work. You will know by the reaction you get from him, once you make the above request, whether he really has made a complete and honest break. A man, who is truly sorry, will do everything in the world to protect your feelings and prove that this other woman no longer means anything to him. If that means returning the card in front of you, he'll do it. Your husband should be saying, "If it takes me the rest of my life to prove my love to you, I am prepared to do that." - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: I'm a 44-year old mother of a 19-yr old son and an 18-yr old daughter (in high school/working part-time.) I was divorced over 17 years ago and have been in a relationship for almost five years. Jim (44) is a hard worker and a kind man. We are struggling to get through each week until pay day. We own a small hobby farm and Jim owns his own auto repair shop. Over worked and undermanned, he works from 7am until 10pm most nights. I'm working two jobs also, varied hours, including shift work. I really love Jim with all my heart and soul. I thought we had a very open and honest relationship, until I discovered he has had two affairs. They both occurred while I was either in the hospital or recovering from major surgery. Actually, it was my daughter who discovered his affairs. Jim was using the internet chat lines for sex and even met with two women. When I confronted him he admitted his mistakes and wanted me to give him another chance. His excuse was a midlife crisis and being overly stressed. It was his way to escape reality. After a great deal of pain and suffering, I decided to give him a second chance. My daughter, who is spoiled (my fault), inconsiderate and selfish, doesn't want to forgive him. She only cares about herself, her friends and her world. She gives no consideration for other people's feelings. She is currently on a mission to split Jim and me up for good. She is very protective of me and wants us (her & I) to move out. I have had only three relationships since my divorce, and always felt that if you want me, you have to accept the package deal. To date, Jim is the only one to take on the package, that is, until now. The two of them are always at each other's throat or mine. He has stated to me that either my daughter straightens up her act or he's gone. I'm a wreck. I have to choose between my love for my children or my lover. Part of me is saying goodbye to him and part of me is saying the same to my daughter - it's time to move out. What do I do? - Donna

Dear Donna: I really think that your daughter has a good head on her shoulders and is the only one who is thinking clearly. As for caring for her friends and her world, that is what 18-year olds are supposed to be doing. How could you possibly think that your daughter is spoiled? This is a young woman who hardly ever sees you, due to the fact that you are working so much, has no biological or step-dad caring about her, lives with a man who spends his time in adult chat rooms and has had 2 affairs while you were recuperating, sees the family struggling financially every single day and works part-time, while going to school. If you think that is spoiled, you really need to take a hard look at what is really going on. As for her mission to split you and Jim up, I think she is completely justified in doing that. How blessed you are to have an 18-year old who wants to protect you and convince you to move out with her. She has seen with her own eyes what Jim has been doing and therefore has no respect for him. Of course there is conflict. He is the last person who should be directing her life and telling her what she can and can't do. He wants her gone so he can continue his addiction without having someone looking over his shoulder. He has learned that you will settle and believe his lies but your daughter will not. Do you realize that this is a role reversal and you should be the one who is protecting her? She has to see her mom living with a man who cannot provide for them financially, emotionally and spiritually. Jim has stated to you that either your daughter straightens up her act or he's gone. Well here's my advice to you. Tell Jim that either he straightens up his act or he's gone. There should not be a doubt in your mind that your daughter is the one who loves you unconditionally and Jim is leading a double life that is filled with lies. - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen, I've been reading your advice for a couple of years now and all that you say is 'right on'...Perhaps you can help me think through my dilemma. My husband had an affair and because I trusted him completely, felt utterly betrayed. I was able to forgive him and his co-worker and figured time will heal my wounds, with the Lord's help. My husband and I are still together and it's been 7 years since the affair. I'm able to talk about it without any anger and even joke around about certain aspects of it. I felt that I've been able to deal with this situation because it's rare that I would run into her. By the way, they still work for the same company in the same department. I just close my eyes to whatever could be there... For a short time, they worked in different sections of their building. Sounds petty, but that helped me a lot. Recently, their whole department moved to a new location and they're now 4 cubicles apart. Ok, so I was still able to deal with that. But I was surprised at myself when I bumped into her one day and felt a surge of anger that I thought was gone. I am requesting feedback on your thoughts about my situation. Is there a better way of handling this? Is it unreasonable to ask that he find another job, at this juncture in time? Have I not forgiven both of them? - Sally

Dear Sally: You have forgiven your husband but you have not forgotten. To be quite honest, there would be something wrong with you if you didn't feel anger when you saw this woman. Her affair with your husband hurt you deeply and I doubt whether you have ever really told her off. Anger is hurt that is covered up. I'm sure what you would like to say is, "I want you to know that my marriage is stronger than ever, but even after all these years, the sight of you makes me sick!" Since you aren't going to do that, there is unfinished business with her. I'm sure you have said all there is to say to your husband but not to the woman he had the affair with. Finding out that they are 4 cubicles away from each other is like putting salt on a wound. Of course you react negatively when you see her. You just have to do a lot of talking to yourself to get through it. It's almost as if our cells have memory and when we see someone who represents old wounds, all the feelings come to the surface again. In 1991 I was diagnosed with breast cancer and then in 1995 I had a bone marrow transplant. Every time I go in for my 6 month check-up, my stomach is in knots. When I am in the car driving to the doctor's office, I play music, take deep breaths and try and think positive thoughts. No matter what I do, as soon as I pull into that parking lot, I feel like I'm going to pass out. My pulse races and my heart feels like it's coming out of my chest. It doesn't matter that it's been 13 years since my initial diagnosis and 9 years since the recurrence and I am cancer free. My mind remembers when I had to face this crisis. Your husband's affair was your crisis and you will never be the same trusting wife that you once were. When he violated your marriage vows, you were forever changed. It would have been very reasonable 7 years ago to have demanded that he find another job if he wanted to make your marriage work. You are a saint for not making that one of your demands. In order for him to have had an affair with a coworker, it meant that they had to have had an "emotional affair" before they ever had a physical one. I don't think anything good can come of them now being so close to one another. I vote for him either transferring to another department or putting a resume together. Is there any doubt in your mind that if the tables were turned, he'd ask the same of you? Of course, I'm giving you my opinion. Let's see what feedback you get from others who may have been in a similar situation. - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: My 32 year old wife lost her 43 year old sister last week to cancer. My wife is naturally distraught and the month prior to her sister's death she spent all but six days at their house helping John, her brother-in-law(43), niece(21), and nephew(18) take care of her sister and provide support for them. I was home taking care of our two boys and not able to be with her and give her the support I should have. While there, my brother-in-law and my wife leaned on each other a lot for support. He is not close to his own family and since the death they have continued to support each other.

We have been married now for over 10 years, after dating for six years. I have always been her support system for dealing with anything and our marriage is rock solid. We have had no marriage problems before, nor has my wife ever given me any reason to feel the way I do now about her becoming as close as she has to my brother-in-law. I am not only feeling mad that I am not able to give her the grieving support she needs, but I am jealous of the fact that she is getting that support from her brother-in-law. I was not feeling too bad about them leaning on each other until the day of the wake when I was trying to find her to tell her I was headed back to my hotel room (she was staying at their house) and I had to knock on my brother-in-law's bedroom door to find her. When I was told to enter she was sitting on his lap in a rocking chair and they were talking. I was raised in a house that we did not shut our doors unless we were doing something we did not want someone else to see (i.e. changing or using the bathroom), or if you were hiding something, and the fact that they had to shut the door to talk to each other really bothered me, not to mention I didn't think it necessary to be sitting on his lap to talk and cry. I know that there is nothing going on between the two of them but it's the emotional attachment that they are developing that bothers me most. She say's that when she's around him and her niece and nephew, it makes her feel closer to her sister. I know she needs to grieve and do what she needs to get through this, but at the same time I'm uncomfortable with her getting the emotional support she needs from someone else, especially another man who is also grieving. I don't know if it's the right thing for them consoling each other, because neither one is really thinking straight right now.

My brother-in-law is a great person and I have no reason to distrust either of them, but on the other hand he is a man who had to give up his entire relationship with his wife a while ago, because of her illness, and to me it seems natural that he could see my wife as someone to fill that hole he now has. It also doesn't help my thinking this since everyone who met my wife at the wake commented on how much her sister and her looked alike.

I'm looking for an answer one way or another to either validate my concerns or let me know that I am way off base and have nothing to worry about. I want to focus my energies on doing what's right for my wife and not let the green-eyed monster get the best of me. Right now I am not sleeping because I am so upset about these feelings I'm having and the fact that she is getting support from someone else. It also did not help when she said she was going back to my brother-in-law's house (300 miles away) in two weeks to help clean out her sister's closet. The reason for going does not bother me so much as the fact that it is Valentine's Day, which we in turn do not get to be together for, and they will be, while both my niece and nephew will be out with their significant others. That weekend is also our two son's final wrestling tournament that she will miss, and with all the time she has spent down there already she has missed almost all of their matches already. I am also just starting the busy time at my work and will have to do a lot of extra juggling with babysitters, since the kid's are also off from school on that Monday (she is too, since she's a teacher). When I expressed these concerns to her she got mad and said she would just take the kid's with her, even though she'd be disappointing her own children by making them miss their final tournament of the year. I know I've got a lot of things going on here, but any advice or direction would be greatly appreciated. - Bob

Dear Bob: It is absolutely devastating to watch a loved one die of cancer. I am sure that your wife and her brother-in-law must have spent hours talking, while caring for her sister. They have definitely formed a close bond.

I, too, am pretty sure nothing physical is going on because otherwise you would have heard them scramble when they heard a knock on the door. Also, when you walked in, you would have felt their discomfort if they were doing anything else but consoling each other. However, from what you have described, I still think that you do have every reason to be concerned. It is still very inappropriate for your wife to be in your brother-in-law's bedroom sitting in his lap on a rocking chair and then choosing Valentine's Day to clean out a closet. I know she is grieving and probably not thinking straight but her this strong emotional connection to her brother-in-law could lead to a physical affair in the future. If you had a "rock solid" marriage like you describe, she would realize that she has spent a great deal of time away from you and the boys and now that her sister is gone, it is time to spend some quality time at home. Certainly Valentine's Day and your son's final tournaments would qualify as important quality times. The fact that she is not concerned about either, means she has disconnected from her family and connected to her brother-in-law.

I know that right now your wife cannot get past her own pain and doesn't realize that you and your children are hurting as well. You must explain your feelings to your wife. Here is what you should say to her. "I know that you are having a hard time with the loss of your sister, but both sons are feeling the loss of their mother and I am feeling the loss of my wife. I know John is also going through a difficult time and therefore is welcome in this house anytime. I do not feel it is appropriate for you to be going there on Valentine's Day, especially since both our niece and nephew will be on their own dates. I really want to be with you on that day because I love you so much and I want to take you out to dinner. After all you are still my Valentine. However, I also realize that John will be alone, so why not have him come here and join us. I also know that it would mean the world for the boys to know that their mom is watching their last tournament. I'm sure they would love having their uncle attend as well. Please ask John if you could postpone going another week. Then I can go and help you in anyway I can." If she refuses to change her plans, then she is making a conscious decision that her brother-in-law's feelings of loneliness are more important than her own children and your feelings. - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: I need help with family issues. My husband hates my family and refuses to try to get along with them. Instead, he always looks for more reasons to hate them and opportunities to hurt them. My family hasn't liked him from the beginning. He was involved with drugs when we met and b/c of it, my family has never accepted him. They didn't want me to marry him but knew it was what I wanted and my father paid $12,000 for our wedding. At least they try to get along with him but he only sees it as them being "fake" to him. He suspects that they always talk about him behind his back. My sister has a similar problem with her boyfriend (who is also the father of her baby). My husband says that my family will have a problem with anyone we are with, but I don't think that is the case.

My issue - he doesn't respect any of my family members and it makes it really hard for me to be happy. This is especially true at holidays. What can I do? Sometimes I think it's just not worth it and I'd rather divorce and try to find someone that loves me enough to try to get along with my family. I really want to have children but I'm afraid to add anything to this unstable situation. Please help! - Jennie

Dear Jennie: When you come from a close knit family, you assume that the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with will embrace your family as well. Often that is true, if your husband also comes from a close family. If, however, your husband doesn't have a good relationship with his family and while he was growing up, holidays meant disappointment, rejection or loneliness, then family get togethers are negative to him. So for him, he does everything in his power to sabotage them.

I'm going to assume that your husband experienced a great deal of pain growing up and drugs were his way of dealing with it. So, every holiday that you look forward to, Christmas, Mother's Day, Father's Day, someone's birthday or anniversary, for your husband, it is a reminder of what he didn't have growing up. So, instead of enjoying every celebration, he makes your life miserable by either not wanting to be included or going and making negative comments about everyone.

Anyone who has read my weekly advice columns for any length of time has probably heard my definition of true love. It is, "When someone else's happiness and well-being is just as important as your own." The fact that you have probably told your husband how unhappy his behavior makes you feel, and he doesn't care, means that he is very self-absorbed and could care less about how anyone else feels. A loving husband would say, "Family is important to my wife, therefore I will do everything in my power to gain the love and respect of her family."

Your mom and dad have always wanted what's best for you and no one can blame them for not accepting a man who was involved with drugs. My guess is, and it's only a guess, that they have issues with your sister's "boyfriend" because, even with a baby, he has not committed to marriage.

It is up to your husband to prove to your parents that he is worthy of their love and respect. That happens over time when they see how happy he makes you feel. That certainly won't happen if your husband "looks for more reasons to hate them and opportunities to hurt them." You are absolutely right in wanting this issue resolved before you bring a child into this world. You must weigh the consequences of your decision to marry a man who wants nothing to do with your family. You really have to ask yourself, "Is my love for this man strong enough to sustain itself if my family is no longer part of my life." If there is a little voice inside your head, which says, "I really do love my family and want them to be part of my life and my future children's lives", then you have to take a hard stand now. In this case, I believe that writing a letter to your husband will be more effective than having a conversation which will probably end in a heated argument. Let him know that every time he speaks poorly about your family, he is hurting you deeply. Tell him that you don't expect him to feel differently but it is important for you to see him act cordial and respectful. Give as many examples as you can where you explain how he reacted in a certain situation and then let him know what you would have preferred to hear him say instead. For example, "When my mom and dad gave us money to get married, you showed no appreciation. I would have liked to hear you say, "That was really generous of them to contribute to our wedding expenses." At the end of the letter, let him know how much you love him but you cannot continue to have your family attacked. They will be part of your life forever and you are no longer willing to hear anything negative. If that is too much to ask of him and he refuses to participate in family celebrations and events, then you will have to decide which has more value to you, your marriage or your family. Only you can make that decision. - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: A pool salesman was at my house today. He was a high-pressure type of salesman. You know the type. They offer you a better deal if you are ready to sign on the dotted line today. I made mention of the fact that I did not appreciate his type of sales tactics. I had already told him at the beginning of his presentation that I get 3 estimates and presentations BEFORE I sign anything. Well anyway, he didn't like that I suggested he was a high pressure salesman and told me he never quite had that kind of reaction before. Basically he was mad because he didn't make the deal and decided that he was going to put me in my place. Well, that just didn't go over well with me and I told him so. But what really upset me was the way my husband was acting. He got up from the table, went into the kitchen when this guy and I got into it. Then on top of that he told me that I should stop. I felt this guy was insulting me in my own house, and said "whatever" and just left the table. I called one of my friends, told her what happened and she said her husband would have defended her. I felt my husband should have done the same. I was really mad and called my husband a "pansy" and that his sister told me once he was afraid of his own shadow. This is not the first time my husband has not stood up for me. He acts like he is scared of conflict. I don't like it either, but I'm not going to let someone disrespect me in my own home. I don't know what to do about my relationship with my husband now. Everything happens for a reason, so maybe this needed to happen. Any advice is appreciated. - Betty

Dear Betty: I believe that you fell in love with your husband because he probably has a low-key personality and is easygoing and relaxed. The fact that he is a peaceful and agreeable man who avoids conflicts doesn't make him a "pansy." You could have simply thanked the salesman for coming and said, "My husband and I will talk it over. I really appreciate your time and we'll get back to you." If he tried to pressure you after that, you could have said, "That's a great deal and I really appreciate that offer but we never make a decision without thinking about it for a few days and getting a few more estimates."

To begin with, it is very risky in this day and age to invite a stranger into your home under any circumstances. He was obviously very unprofessional and the fact that he got mad at you could have escalated into a volatile situation. I am sure that your husband was very uncomfortable, didn't want this to escalate and just wanted him to leave. Everyone has a different way of dealing with conflict and many times a man doesn't defend a woman because he feels that her reaction is too extreme and inappropriate and he would have handled it in a different way. Your husband has obviously seen you in "action" before and knew you could handle yourself. Your friend may be someone who does not speak up and depends on her husband to do it for her. In any case, I don't feel that your friend's response was constructive. She could have taken a more neutral position or given your husband the benefit of the doubt. Instead, you complained about your husband and she made matters worse by saying that her husband would never do that.

Every woman wants to have a knight in shining armor that will save her from harm or in this case verbal abuse from a stranger. However, the way you went about it was hurtful and wrong. You will never achieve what you want by demeaning your husband and using his sister's hurtful comment to support your position. A more effective approach anytime your husband disappoints you is to describe what happened and then let him know what you would have preferred to have happened instead. For example, in this situation, you would have said, "When you saw him getting mad, I would have liked to hear you say, "We always discuss all of our options and we are not making a decision tonight. I'm sorry that you are disappointed but it's how we do things." I would have then felt supported by you.

Attacking his manhood will only alienate him further. He doesn't instinctively know what you expect from him. By calmly taking each situation and explaining what you need from him in order to feel protected and supported, will eventually get the desired response you are looking for. You need to learn how fragile a man's ego is and how to get what you want by building him up and not tearing him down. He, on the other hand, needs to learn that every woman wants a man who will support and protect her - someone she can lean on. I'm sorry to be so hard on you, but I see too many marriages end in divorce because both people didn't know how to make the other person feel good about themselves. - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: My husband wants to leave me because he's tired of hurting me. His grown children, from a previous marriage, will not accept me and they will not let their kids come around me. My husband wants to be part of his grandchildren's lives. He's very close to his children and they are always having family gatherings. I am not invited and yet he goes because they want him there and he wants to be there too. He spends more time with them than with me. He has decided that he is not willing to give up his children and grandchildren for the sake of our marriage. What can I do to keep my marriage? - Maggie

Dear Maggie: There is nothing you can do except to let him go. Once you do, he'll realize that he misses you and maybe then he will take a hard stand with his children. They should not be controlling his life. You are not some woman he just picked up. You are his wife!! If you are not welcome in their lives, then he should not be going to "family" functions. If they want their dad and their children's grandfather in their lives, then he should be insisting that they will have to accept you as his wife as well. What kind of a wimp did you marry? I know that it takes a long time to accept a new wife, but they will never be willing to do that if he doesn't demand that of his children. Tell him to pack his things and leave! When he begs you to take him back, and he will, don't you dare unless he is willing to call a family meeting and insist that you are going to be part of it. As hard as that would be, he needs to say, "I know that it will take a lot of time to accept that I have remarried. It's a choice that I have made and, as my children, I expect you to respect my decision. I would do the opposite for all of you. You may not agree with it, but it is my life and I will not pretend anymore that I am single. I am married to Maggie. All I am asking from all of you is to give her a chance. She is my wife and like it or not, she is part of my life now and wants to be part of yours. I'm asking you to give her the opportunity to get to know you and visa versa." Then you need to say, "I know it's hard for you to accept the fact that your dad has remarried. I don't expect to be your mom or your children's grandmother. They already have that. I would just like to be your friend. If your father is invited to a family function, I would like the opportunity to attend as well. If I can't because there would be too much tension with your mom and him, then we can come at another time."

The two of you have to be a team and if he's not willing to do that, I can't see this marriage surviving. - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: My husband will buy expensive jewelry for his 15 year old daughter and I am wearing $3.99 earrings! I never ask for things, only what I need. I really resent that he gives her white gold earrings and chains over $100 just because that's what she asks for. We recently spent $30,000 for her to go to a boot camp to straighten her out. So why the expensive gifts too? I know he is good to my kids but they don't ask for things as much and I sure don't either. If I do need something I will either find it on sale or go without it. Now my husband is wanting to take all of us on a cruise and mentioned duty free jewelry. On our honeymoon he didn't buy me anything but yet he is planning on buying jewelry for her. I am so angry and don't know how to handle this. - Beth

Dear Beth: The Beatles said, "Money can't buy you love." Your husband thinks that the more expensive the gift, the more his daughter will love him. Of course, he is absolutely wrong. No matter how much money he gives her or how expensive the gifts, it isn't going to make her love him more or less. I know that you are hurting but so is your husband, especially since his daughter is having behavior problems. I'm sure he feels guilty knowing that in some way he has contributed to her problems. I know that if one of your children needed help, you would be there for them as well and get them into a program that promised to help them. I have a feeling that your husband would support that as well. It sounds like you married a very kind and loving man and please don't let his daughter ruin what the two of you have. He's secure in your love as he should be. He doesn't know what to do, so he's spending money. It isn't going to change anything, but it's a journey he'll have to go on to find that out. Keep loving and admiring him for the good you see in him. You already know what he needs to find out, that money can't buy happiness and it certainly doesn't buy love. Spending more quality time alone with his daughter is what she wants and needs. I'm sure that his daughter is jealous because he married you and he is with your children more than he is with her. I would, if I were you, gently encourage your husband to spend more time with his daughter by doing things that don't cost very much. Tell him to spend the money on special outings they can share together, rather than gifts. Instead of you being jealous, you need to realize that the better his relationship is with his daughter, the better he'll be as a husband and step dad. - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: When I was 20 I was proposed to by my husband (we've now been married 25 years). During that time, my parents were having a horrible time together and there was always tension in the home. My father wasn't faithful to my mother, and yet he was extremely charismatic, a real "people person" and had a great sense of humor. He was his best self in public but behind closed doors he was verbally abusive to my sweet mother. She was never good enough for him. They are now divorced.

At 20, I was not really "in love" although I loved "Don." He was and is, the complete opposite of my own father. He is kind, loyal, 100% honest in all of his dealings, humble, and all 6 of our children absolutely adore him. He couldn't be a better father. He is deeply spiritual, although he is more on the serious side. We don't really laugh much together.

The fact that we didn't laugh much bothered me when we were engaged. I have always felt that laughter is very important. But when I was engaged I felt foolish for thinking that was important. But I soon found myself actually NEEDING to laugh in many situations and I really wish Don and I could. I'm not sure how to develop this wonderful quality with him, but when I get together with my siblings and friends, sometimes we laugh so hard it almost hurts!

Going back to my reason for writing--the night before our wedding, I had serious doubts. I knew deep inside that I was marrying "Don" for safety. I knew he would never leave me or cheat on me, as my own father had done. I knew it wasn't a good reason to marry though, and I felt overwhelmingly scared. I was so nervous and sick that I just laid down on my bed and wanted to cry. I didn't feel I could get out of it at that point...just a few hours before our big wedding. After all, I did love Don. He has such a good heart.

However, my soul mate was across the ocean on a mission for our church. He would return in 18 months. This was the man who I loved all throughout high school and college, the man who made me laugh and whom I greatly admired. He wrote his first motivational book when we were best friends (he was only 18) and he wrote such a beautiful chapter about me. We sang together for assemblies as student body officers. We talked until 3 AM about our dreams and goals in life. We had never even kissed, but we were the very best of friends. "Richard" was just like my father in the way that he could connect with people, and yet there was something inside that scared me about that. Would he be faithful? I wanted to wait until Richard returned home. But I didn't. I felt pushed by my father to marry Don and the little girl inside of me still wanted to please him. My mother adored him too and told me he was a "gift to me from God." But I was actually immobilized on the bed all night. I married Don the next morning, bright and early. Everyone was so happy for us. But I couldn't stop thinking about Richard.

I live in California now, but I have bumped into Richard twice in our hometown of Nevada in 25 years. He has written many books and he gives motivational speeches around the country to teenagers. Richard is financially independent and very happily married. He is a super hero to my kids, as they have been to church camps where he has been one of the speakers and he is just so ALIVE with joy and energy and love! He and his wife have tons of friends all around the world because of his travels and involvement with teenagers and reaching out to people. Richard and I have a special friendship that says, "We're both happily married with great kids and I love you as a friend." The second time I saw Richard I was with some of my kids. He told us that he had always hoped to marry me, and that on the eve of my wedding, he was on his knees, across the ocean, praying that I would make the right decision. He told our children that he was so glad that we both were happy and ended up with such great companions. He truly is happy. I love his wife. They both just radiate joy.

I guess it's a hard, cold fact that I indeed may have made a mistake at my young age and there is simply nothing I can do at this point. I miss Richard. I find myself thinking about him when I am driving alone or cleaning the house and I begin to feel very lonely. I know it is WRONG. I feel I am betraying my husband merely by thinking this way. I do exercises to snap myself out of this way of thinking. But Don and I have really struggled to make our marriage work. It hasn't come very naturally. He is 10 years older than me and quite set in his ways although he is truly a nice person. I just miss the laughter, the spontaneity, the compete feeling of not having to TRY SO HARD every day. Why should marriage feel like a long dry marathon instead of a dance?

I am grateful that I have wonderful children and a nice husband. But with all my heart I would love to feel like a soul mate to my husband and have it come as easily as it did with Richard. I have recently read "I love you Ronnie" by Nancy Reagan and I cried the whole way through. What a dream to have a love like that.

Dr. Ellen, is it too late for me? Or is it truly possible to have a love with Don as wonderful as it would have been with Richard? My husband is not a "people person" and doesn't like it when we have socials at our home. He is a very busy lawyer and just wants to be able to unwind when he gets home. I truly understand how he feels. But I have always wanted to "make a difference" as a connected husband and wife in the lives of others.

I know I cannot try and change Don's personality. That's not fair. I made a decision 25 years ago and now I must and will live with it. I'm just so sad sometimes. My sisters all married outgoing men with a great sense of humor and it's so neat to see their love just shining through so naturally to each other. For Don and I it many times feels like an effort or a "performance."

I can't go back in time. What would you do if you were me? Honestly, I really want to solve this once and for all. I do want Don and I to be truly happy soul mates. I want to be able to laugh things off that we normally fight about, and I would like to be able to reach out to others and make a difference as well. My heart aches for true love. (And I'm done with thinking about Richard...it hurts too much!) - Charlene

Dear Charlene: I don't think you made a mistake. I think you married the man you were supposed to marry. I know a few motivational speakers and I can tell you with absolute certainty that every one of them love being the center of attention and life does revolve around them. They are extremely egotistical. You may not think so, but he had no business telling your children that he hoped to marry you and that on the eve of your wedding, he was on his knees, across the ocean, praying that you would make the right decision. That was poor judgment on his part, as far as I am concerned. I don't think he's told his children that and your children certainly didn't need to hear that either.

I know that you have created a fantasy of what your life could have been like, living with this man instead of your husband. But, that's all it is, a fantasy to make up for what is lacking in your own marriage. You have been telling this "lost love" story to yourself, over and over, for so long, that you honestly believe it. The truth was that even at 20, you knew deep down that this man had the potential to hurt and disappoint you. I didn't hear you say that he proposed marriage to you. He just didn't want you to get married to someone else. If he had been your knight in shinning armor and soul mate, he would have written or called and said, "Please don't get married, because I love you and want to marry you when I return. I don't think you would have married your husband if you had known that Richard was serious about having a future with you.

You asked me if it is truly possible to have a love with Don as wonderful as it would have been with Richard? I don't think your life with Richard would have been that wonderful. The price you would have paid would have been too high. The connection and laughter would have had to fit into his schedule. When a man has worked hard to become, as you put it "financially independent" and has "friends all around the world because of his travels," his wife and children have had to make quite a few sacrifices. Behind their smiles and seemingly perfect life, is a lot of disappointment and hurt because of all the family events and celebrations he wasn't able to attend. If you asked his wife which she preferred, I'm sure she would have chosen a husband who came home to unwind every night and was there every weekend. If you asked his children, whom they preferred, a successful dad who travels around the world, or a dad who is in the next room and attending every soccer game, I think you know what their answer would be.

There is not a doubt in my mind that if something happened to Don and you had a second chance with Richard, later in your life, you would finally see that this wonderful husband with the big heart, who the kids adore, has really been the love of your life all along. - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: I am a 34 year old male who has received your column for the last 3 years. I've always wanted to write to you but never had the guts. It's gotten so bad that I don't know who else to turn to and I am hoping you can give me some guidance. I am embarrassed to say that my wife has a terrible temper and beats me up. I always see TV shows about domestic violence to women but I have never seen one on men. I'm not sure if anyone has ever experienced what I am going through but I don't think I can take much more of this. I'm too embarrassed to tell any of my friends or family because I know they would laugh at me and think I was a wimp. Every time my wife and I get into an argument, she completely loses her temper and starts slapping me, kicking me, and then it escalates into throwing dishes or whatever else she can get a hold of. I have never hit a woman in my life because it's not the way I was raised. I'm no angel but I don't deserve to be treated like this. She's talking about having kids and I can't imagine a child dealing with her temper. Please help. - Carl

Dear Carl: First of all, you are not alone. The first thing you must do is gather as much information as you can about your situation. Thank goodness we have the Internet because all the information you'll ever want is there. According to a site called www.batteredmen.com there are 850,000 men who are battered each year. My advice for you would be the same as it would be to a woman who was being abused. You need to remove yourself from this situation and not come back until she agrees to get help. Your wife needs to recognize that she has a serious problem and it is not going to go away without some professional help. I don't think she'll come to that realization until you leave and she realizes that she is going to lose you. A woman who abuses her husband will abuse her children as well. You are 100% correct in not wanting to put a child in this dangerous environment. I'm very proud of you asking for help and I know that my subscribers will have words of encouragement for you. Please call your a local domestic violence hot line in your area and try and see a counselor. Many shelters now are taking calls from men as well. At the very least, the next time this happens, call 911 and file a police report. If you have to, get a restraining order. I don't think for one minute that this is a laughing matter. Your life may depend on what you decide to do! - Dr. Ellen

Dear Dr. Ellen: My neighbor flirts excessively with my husband. She wears extremely low cut blouses. Then, when she talks to him she rubs up against him and talks dirty. If I say anything, I'm considered "jealous". Well, this has gone on for two years and as a result, our intimacy really suffers. I've confronted my husband numerous times and I think he has finally gotten the message. How do I confront my neighbor "friend"? - Paula

Dear Paula: Talking to your neighbor right now will do nothing to change what is going on. It is your husband who needs to let her know that this has got to stop because it is crossing the line and it is hurting his wife and his marriage. He has no control over what she wears, but he has control over whether he stares or not. He has no control over what she does, but he has control over his reaction to what she does. She is really crossing the line by talking and acting the way you have described. You don't mention whether she is married as well but I will assume that she isn't and could care less about what other people think. I believe that this is a control issue and this woman enjoys "playing your husband" and seeing him squirm and making you uncomfortable. If you confronted her now, she would probably deny it and say that she doesn't know what you are talking about and accuse you of being jealous over nothing. Only when your husband decides that you are more important than the fantasy he may be having or the "emotional affair" they may be having, will this stop. When she does or says something inappropriate, he is going have to say, "I know that I haven't said anything in the past but please don't do that anymore because it makes me uncomfortable and it's affecting my marriage." In order for him to do that, he would have to think that your feelings are more important than hers. That is obviously not the case right now.

I think that most men would feel very flattered if an attractive woman was flirting with them. However, a loving husband would say to himself, "I do know that this is wrong. I certainly wouldn't like it if the same thing was happening to my wife so I will have to put a stop to this now. My wife is hurt by my neighbor's actions and the last thing I want to do is hurt my wife's feelings." The fact that he dismisses this as your problem and that you are "jealous" is hurtful and insensitive. I cannot imagine why or how you could endure this torture for the past 2 years, and then call her a neighbor "friend". She is not a friend in any sense of the word. She is undermining you and your marriage. I very rarely advise people to give ultimatums but in this case I believe it is necessary. Either he puts her in her place or he can pack his bags because you will not stand one more minute of this immoral behavior. If he has a problem telling her face to face, let him write her a note. - Dr. Ellen