Wednesday, June 25, 2008 at 3:27 PM
In a committed relationship, the decisions you and your mate make will
guide your life together. Whether it's deciding to buy a house, have a
baby, or change careers, your decisions will affect the dynamics of your
marriage. If you make your decisions based on fear, your marriage will
be haunted by insecurities, anxiety, and negative energy. If you make
your decisions based on love, your marriage will be touched by nothing
but warmth, confidence, and trust. A couple with those emotions will
never wind up in marriage counseling.
If you experience difficulty making a particular decision, there is
probably some kind of fear involved. To make the best decision possible,
use the following steps. First, ask yourself, "What am I afraid of?" It
could be fear of losing money, fear that you can't make it on your own,
fear that you won't succeed, fear that you'll disappoint someone else,
fear that you won't be loved anymore, or fear of losing someone you
love. So first, I really want you to face what you are afraid of.
Next, I want you to ask yourself, "If I were coming from a loving place
deep inside me, where I knew I was completely safe, that my instincts
were trustworthy and my motives were pure, how would I react and what
would I say or do?" The answer to this question is sometimes very
different than what you would normally do or say. You may be attending
individual or couples marriage counseling and the counselor has
encouraged you to do whatever makes you happy. The problem with that
advice is that once you think about your choices, you realize that there
are good and bad consequences no matter what decision you make. So, many
times neither decision will make you happy. Sometimes it comes down to
which will make you feel "less worse."
I've helped many people make difficult decisions in their life. One of
them was Monica, who attended one of my lectures very distraught. She
told me that her husband had come home from work a few days ago and had
proudly announced that his company was doubling his salary, making him
vice president of a new bank, and was moving his family from California
to Arizona.
Monica said that all she could think about was how lonely she would be
if she had to leave her friends and family behind. She couldn't imagine
coping with her nine-month-old baby without the help of her mother. She
knew no one in Arizona and didn't make friends easily. She had cried all
that night, and in the morning she had told Peter she didn't want to go.
Peter left for work that morning without kissing her goodbye for the
first time in their marriage. Monica set up an appointment for marriage
counseling with a therapist that was recommended by one of her friends.
The counselor told her husband that he had to think about someone other
than himself now that he had a wife and baby and he had to take Monica's
feelings into consideration. Then she told Monica that there would be no
point in making this move if she was going to be miserable. It would
only be a matter of time before she would come home as a single mom!
So, you can imagine the state Monica was in when she came to see me.
They were no closer to making a decision after their marriage counseling
session.
I asked Monica to picture the worst-case scenario, including all of her
fears. She did a pretty good job of it. She pictured herself crying
every day as she sat by herself in her lonely house with the baby
screaming. She felt isolated, depressed, and angry.
I simply asked her if her thoughts were supportive and coming from a
loving place. She said, "No, and they are making me miserable."
I asked her to pretend that she was coming from a loving place, a place
where she was safe and secure and all of her thoughts were supportive.
Then I asked her what she would do or say if that's how she felt. She
looked at me as if I were crazy and said, "But I don't feel safe and
secure. I'm scared."
I said, "I know that, but if you were coming from a loving place instead
of a fearful place, what would you do? Just for a moment, pretend."
Monica said, "Well, if I felt safe and secure, then I would be excited
about going. I would tell my husband how proud I am of him and what a
wonderful opportunity this would be for us. If I wasn't scared, I'd be
excited about buying our first home because the prices are so much lower
in Arizona than they are in California."
I did everything I could to convince Monica that she should make her
decision from that loving place where faith prevails and not from a
fearful place. I'm happy to report that Monica and Peter did move to
Arizona. I received a letter letting me know that she had joined a
"Mommy and Me" swim class and had made some wonderful new friends. They
bought a home in a good neighborhood and a lovely retired couple who
lived next door, were delighted to help out with baby-sitting.
If Monica had made her decision based on fear, she never would have
stepped out of her comfort zone and experienced a new adventure, and her
relationship with her husband would have been damaged, if not destroyed
completely.
To live your life in a fearful state is to rob yourself of pleasure and
new experiences. More importantly, when you live your life in fear, it
is impossible to experience a deep connection with others, especially
your mate.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008 at 3:26 PM
When you've gotten to the point in your marriage when all you see are
the negative qualities in your spouse, you run the risk that they will
eventually meet someone who sees the best in them. If your spouse rarely
gets a compliment from you, they are probably starving for attention. I
have always said, "If you don't have a love affair with your mate,
someone else will!"
What may start out as a harmless connection to someone, because they
feel unnoticed and unloved, eventually turns into an emotional affair.
Given enough time, the emotional affair will become a physical one.
I remember one night after class, one of my students stayed to speak
with me. She was distraught because her husband had told her that he
wanted to move out and file for a divorce. I asked her to tell me
exactly what had happened that could have lead to this point in their
marriage. She told me that her husband had worked in the corporate world
but a year ago had decided to quit and go back to school to get his
teaching credential.
Ann tried everything she could to convince him not to leave the business
world. She ended up telling him she thought he was crazy; that he would
never make enough money teaching. He went back to school in spite of
Ann's protests, and in one of his classes he met a woman who was
studying for the same degree as he was. This woman told him she admired
him for quitting the business rat race. She pumped him up and gave him
daily encouragement. They studied together, laughed together and
eventually, he had fallen in love with this classmate.
Would this story have turned out differently if Ann had been supportive
of her husband's decision right from the beginning when he shared his
dream with her? Absolutely! If she had verbalized her faith in him and
complimented him on his courage and perseverance, he wouldn't have
needed someone else to make him feel good.
Once Ann learned what this woman had done and what she needed to do, she
fought for her marriage with a vengeance. This woman never had a chance
because Ann was armed with my information.
A letter from Judy recounted how a lack of attention and compliments
from her husband almost let to the end of their marriage.
My husband was depressed because he was unhappy in his job. To make up
for a dull career, he spent many evenings attending school board and
city council meetings. I was definitely neglected.
I met this younger man through a friend of my daughter's. He was a
college student and needed a place to stay over the summer. I offered an
extra bedroom in our home. While living with us, he spent a lot of time
watching me cook, decorate and garden. He couldn't say enough wonderful
things about my domesticity. That whole summer, all I heard was, "You
have such a green thumb", or "You have a flair for color and texture",
or "You make better spaghetti sauce than my mother". He also made it
clear that he was attracted to me.
Having heard these wonderful things made me realize how much I was
missing in my marriage. I told my husband how I felt and I'm thankful
that he was willing to listen to your CD's and make the necessary
changes.
So, it's your turn to think about how your spouse feels when they are
with you. Your marriage is the most precious gift you have. It deserves
to be treated and protected in every way possible.
Does she remember to buy your favorite foods at the supermarket? Does he
remember to put the toilet seat down? Is she especially patient with
your parents? Has he gotten involved with a home improvement project?
See how many wonderful things about him or her you can find that you
have been taking for granted.
From now on, I want you look at your spouse in a way you may not have
done for quite some time. Pay attention to his or her every move with an
eye for the positive. Become your mate's biggest fan and you will
affair-proof your marriage, not for those brief youthful years, but for
a lifetime.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008 at 3:26 PM
"I've been with someone else." Those words are like a wrecking ball that
crashes through your life. The roller coaster ride that comes with
infidelity is filled with hurt, betrayal, anger, love, threats, hope and
depression. It may seem like your marriage is over... but it's not.
While you may not think so, your pain will force you to grow. Pain is
our greatest teacher. Regardless of where the pain comes from, there are
always lessons to be learned. Physical pain alerts you to a problem in
your body that needs attention. Emotional pain does the same thing. It
tells you that there is a lesson that you need to learn so you can grow
stronger. It usually forces you to look inside and ultimately to
stretch, grow, and gain more knowledge and understanding about yourself
and your marriage.
What I have told thousands of people in your situation is, "You can use
this pain to make your marriage so strong, that no one and nothing can
ever come between the two of you again or you can let your pain lead to
the end your marriage. If you choose the first statement, I promise that
I can help you have a different marriage and the healing will begin.
What Was My Marriage Lacking
I know it's easy to blame your spouse and especially the other person
involved, but it's much harder to look at yourself and ask, "Was there
something lacking in me that made my spouse want to connect with another
person?" Thousands of men and women, just like you, have learned how to
use the pain of infidelity to make their marriages better than ever!
We were married for 8 years when I finally found out my husband was
cheating. The crazy hours, nights, weekends - how could I have been so
naive! I lost all respect for him and felt so violated. If it weren't
for the kids and lack of finances, I would have left. Over time, we
learned to tolerate each other. He was sorry for what he did but I made
him pay for it everyday.
One night I fell asleep on the couch and when I woke up at 2:00 A.M.
there you were on TV talking about why people have affairs. It was hard
looking at myself and for the first time understanding that what I said,
what I did and what I didn't do, all contributed to him finding someone
else. You were right, it takes 2 people to have an affair and once I
took responsibility for my part, the healing began." Shannon T. -
Lexington
For over 20 years I've helped couples understand the reasons why
infidelity has happened and how to prevent it from ever happening again.
I have never found a case where a man or woman woke up one day and
spontaneously decided to go out and have an affair. It's a decision that
happens due to months or years of neglect and being taken for granted.
If you use infidelity as a wake-up call, you can have a better marriage
than you ever dreamed possible.
A Marriage Warning
If you don't have a love affair with your mate, someone else will! Here
is an eye-opening fact that Oprah had me repeat 3 times when I was
backstage on her show. It really does explain the "Why" of infidelity in
a marriage.
A man falls in love because of the way he feels about himself when he is
with a woman. When he doesn't feel good anymore he's going to find
another woman who does make him feel good. That's what an affair is all
about. It's not that he's in love with the other woman. What he's really
in love with is the way he feels about himself when he's with the other
woman. A woman feels the same way. Do you know how many times a woman
will say to me, "Ellen, now that I'm in love, I feel beautiful, I feel
sexy, I feel special and needed." We have a right to feel like that for
the rest of our lives, and when we don't, we try to find someone else
who will make us feel good.
I was doing a radio show in Texas and a man called up and said, "I don't
believe this. I dropped a hamburger in my lap. I went to a pay phone and
just had to call you up to tell you that what you're saying is so true.
For three years I have been having an affair and I couldn't put into
words why! My wife is pretty, she's intelligent and she's the pillar of
the community. But the truth is that I feel like 'nothing' when I'm with
my wife and I feel like a 'king' when I'm with this other woman."
I spoke to a woman who had been married for 9 years and started to have
feelings for someone she worked with. She said, "My husband is
successful, smart, good-looking but the other guy makes me feel
beautiful and special."
Many people think that if they were better-looking or had more money,
then things would be different. It's not about getting thinner, better
looking or making more money. Some of the wealthiest people in the world
are by themselves; some of the most beautiful people on earth are
lonely. This is about how another human being feels about themselves
when they're with you. So, it isn't about me, but how does my husband
feel about himself every time he's with me. And, it isn't about my
husband, but how do I feel about myself when I'm with him. If we both
make each other feel so good about who we are, why would we ever want to
be with anyone else?
We have the ability to make another human being feel that they are
important, special, attractive, sexy, intelligent, funny, wanted and
needed. That's what a loving marriage is all about and that's the lesson
that needs to be learned. If you do, your spouse will never again want
to be with anyone but you!
For an effective way to deal with infidelity without marriage
counseling, take as much time as you need to listen to the free demos on
this site. Turn your pain into determination and do everything in your
power to prevent this from ever happening again.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008 at 3:25 PM
Even though you did a search for marriage counseling, I'm going to try
to convince you that no matter how far gone or hopeless you think your
marriage is, marriage counseling is not the answer. "Why?" In marriage
counseling, both of you will be discussing all the hurt and pain that
has brought you to this point. That isn't going to make you walk out of
a marriage counselor's office feeling closer and more connected. If you
were in bad shape before going to marriage counseling, wait until you
see how cold and distant you'll feel after marriage counseling.
The reason my programs work and are so much more effective than marriage
counseling is that you don't rehash old wounds. You don't talk at all.
You just listen. By listening to what I have to say, the stories I tell,
and the examples I give from my own life, you'll know exactly what to
say and do to feel closer and more connected. Most couples, who finally
find me and have had years of marriage counseling with no results say,
"All you do, week after week is rehash all the past wounds, where your
program gives you a fresh start."
The truth is that you too could use a fresh start! If you don't learn
how to fulfill each other's needs, then all you will have is continued
disappointment and heartache.
When I saw you on Oprah, my husband and I had been in marriage
counseling for 8 months. Two years before, our house went into
foreclosure and we were forced into bankruptcy. I blamed my husband for
his poor decisions and kept punishing him for doing this to me and the
kids. The marriage counselor focused on my hostility and his
inadequacies. It got us nowhere. Your program helped me focus on the
exact opposite; all his good qualities and my love for him. What
marriage counseling failed to do in 8 months, your program did in just a
few days! Our home is now "rich" with love.
Marriage Counseling Can be Intimidating
When you attend traditional marriage counseling, it is always more
difficult for one spouse than it is for the other. While one spouse
finds it easy to share their whole life with a stranger, the other feels
that their personal life is private. The spouse who is able to express
themselves more easily is the one who has the upper hand in marriage
counseling. The shy, more private person, is at a disadvantage because
they are not comfortable verbalizing their feelings. With my programs,
you won't be doing any talking. You will both be listening to your own,
individual programs in the privacy of your home or car. Most people find
it easy and convenient to listen for 15 minutes while going to and from
work. When you are done, you will know why your mate fell in love with
you, what went wrong, and exactly what to do and say to make it right
and bring back the feelings you had when you first fell in love.
"I knew my marriage was on its last leg. My husband was cold and
indifferent to me. We went to marriage counseling and he just sat there
counting the minutes till it was over. Since he refused to open up to
the marriage counselor, I eventually saw no point to going anymore.
Before our last session, the marriage counselor gave us your programs
and asked us both to listen to them. My husband was so relieved that he
didn't have to go to marriage counseling anymore that he agreed to
listen. I saw a change in him almost immediately and every day we got
closer and closer. We just got back from Hawaii which was a second
Honeymoon for us. I sent the counselor a 'Thank You' note for giving us
your programs, but it is you that deserves our gratitude. Although you
don't know us, we feel so connected to you and your programs have
changed our lives." Penny H. - Hartford, CT
A Marriage Counseling Alternative That Works
Everyday, thousands of men and women hear, "I can't do this anymore!" As
painful as those words are, they are the truth. How many times and how
many ways does someone have to tell you, "What we are doing isn't
working!" So, instead of attending Marriage Counseling, where you will
be discussing the past, why not find an alternative to Marriage
Counseling that is faster and more effective and moves you forward
instead of backwards in time.
It's been my experience over the last 23 years that if your mate was in
love with you in the beginning, they can feel like that again, even if
you have been told by friends, family and a marriage counselor that
there is no hope.
"My wife told me that she didn't love me anymore and was not sure she
ever loved me and wanted a divorce. She finally agreed to go for
marriage counseling and we went to a highly recommended marriage
counselor in our area. He said that he wouldn't waste our time and would
let us know in 3 sessions whether our marriage had a chance. After our
3rd session, this marriage counselor told us, "Once the chemistry is
gone, you cannot ever get it back. My recommendation is for you the two
to get a legal separation that will, in all honesty, lead to divorce."
He told me that I had to accept that our marriage was over and we should
live separate lives. I have no doubt that had we listened to this
counselor, we would be divorced by now. Instead, we found you and
realized that we had never stopped loving each other. There was just a
lot of "stuff" that had gotten in the way. Your positive approach makes
so much sense and it not only affected us as a couple but our children
as well." Harvey W - Long Beach, N.Y.
If you would like to improve your marriage without marriage counseling,
look no further because you have come to the right place. You will see
how passionate I am about saving marriages. I am confident that yours
will be the next success story I receive.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008 at 3:25 PM
Recent studies show that making your mate #1 on your list of priorities
not only saves your relationship. It could save your life!
Dr. Dean Ornish, noted researcher and director of the Preventive
Institute in Sausalito, California, sites studies proving the healing
power of love in his book, Love and Survival.
At Yale, scientists studied 119 men and 40 women who underwent a
coronary angiogram to determine the degree of blockage in coronary
arteries. According to their findings, patients who felt most loved and
supported by their mates experienced substantially less blockage than
those who felt isolated fom their partners.
At Case Western Reserve University in Cleveland, researchers studied
nearly 10,000 married men with risk factors for angina, a heart
condition. These men had high cholesterol, high blood pressure and EKG
abnormalities ? perfect candidates for heart disease. Those who answered
"yes" to the question, "Does your wife show you her love?" experienced
less chest pain, almost half of those responding that their wives didn't
show their love.
As Ornish states, "Although diet, blood pressure, and other risk factors
play an important role in heart disease and angina, these forces can be
significantly moderated by a loving relationship."
So it seems there may be truth in the saying that you can break
someone's heart. All the more reason to show your mate your love ? today!
Five Reason Why Sex is Good for Your Health
If you knew about a pill that could give you more energy, fight
infection, and prevent heart disease at the same time, would you take
it? You probably would. How about receiving all this by engaging in more
fun than popping a pill? That's right. We're talking about sex.
If you're reading this and thinking, "How can I get more energy from sex
if I'm too tired to have it in the first place?" I have good news for
you. The chemical your brain emits during sexual activity is the same
chemical emitted whenever you hug, kiss or caress someone. So if having
sexual intercourse seems like an unreachable goal at first, take baby
steps.
Start by touching your mate. You've got 10 fingers, 2 hands, and 1
imagination. Use all three and you and your partner will be one step
closer to feeling healthier. Whether you take baby steps toward sexual
intimacy or you jump right into it, here 5 five important benefits:
Better circulation
Stronger heart
Healthier skin
Reduced stress
Stronger immune system
Through the years, I've heard many stories of couples who healed one
another through their loving touch. One of the men in my class suffered
from chronic sinus headaches. No amount of inhalers, decongestants, or
vaporizers equaled what his girlfriend Christine could do by applying
loving pressure on his head with her fingertips.
Another student told me how she looked forward every night to lying in
bed next to her husband as he lightly stroked her arms. No matter what
kind of day she had, she knew her stress would disappear with each
loving caress she felt.
The next time you're on your way to the pharmacy for medicine to fight a
cold, ask yourself when you last had sex or simply touched your mate.
Who knows, increase your sexual intimacy and you might find yourself
snuggling in bed with your partner more ? and driving to the drug store
less!
Wednesday, June 25, 2008 at 3:24 PM
I'm sure that your marriage could stand to have a little more fun and be
a lot less serious. Often sheer playfulness will cause us to laugh
harder than a funny story ever could. In my mind, playfulness includes
all of those things you might have done as a kid: snowball fights,
pillow fights, tag, hide-and-seek, tickling, dancing and even wrestling.
Partners who can be playful with each other have a better chance of
staying married than couples who aren't playful.
One of the best laughs I personally ever had was when my husband and I
engaged in a round of "Big-Time Wrestling." My husband is six foot two
and weighs 195 pounds. I'm five foot six and weigh 125 pounds soaking
wet. So many years ago, when I told him that I was going to pin him to
the floor so he couldn't get up, you can imagine his terror.
I told him he needed to play by my rules. He had to lie on his back with
his arms at his sides, bent at the elbows, and palms up.
"Go for it," he said.
I sat on top of him with my knees pinning his upper arms and my hands
holding down his wrists. Right off the bat, I sensed he wasn't trying
that hard. So I said, "Come on, you can do better than that, you wimp!"
That did it. He got serious and started to really try to lift me up. So
then I got serious and tried harder to hold him down, grimacing with the
strain.
When he saw the determined look on my face, he knew he was in a war. He
started straining himself and that started me laughing. He let out a
loud grunt, which made me laugh even harder. Then, with a burst of
energy, he was able to turn me over and get on top of me. By now we were
both laughing hysterically, wrapped in each other's arms, rolling on the
floor.
That little wrestling match remains very vivid in my memory. Life can be
so serious so much of the time. By letting go of stress and being
playful, we add years to our life and memories that last forever.
I love collecting funny stories and this one was definitely a keeper. It
comes from a man who took my advice seriously.
Dear Dr. Ellen,
Your program for men was just what I was looking for to get my marriage
of twenty-six years out of the pits. You said you liked to collect
stories, so here's how I tried to be less predictable and boring.
My wife and I had just returned from the Bay Area, where we watched
sailboats and visited gift shops as part of a mini-vacation. When we got
home, my wife worked on her students' report cards in our home office,
while I decorated the living room using a sailing theme. I put a blue
sheet over the windows for privacy and had it represent the sky. I
hauled our mattress from the bedroom and put an oversized beach towel
which had the theme of sailboats on it. Then I lit scented candles and
placed them nearby. When everything was ready, I took off my clothes,
hung three Ping-Pong balls by a string from my "you-know-what," went
into our office and presented myself to my wife. I tapped her on the
shoulder and when she looked up at me, I said, "You're right. I really
am oversexed." Her laughter filled the room as I took her hand and
showed her the living room. We pretended we were on board a sailing
yacht on the bay at night, just the captain and his first mate, alone
under the stars. I proceeded to give her a long massage with scented oil
and was very well rewarded for my efforts.
Our do-it-only-in-the-bedroom routine turned into an imaginary voyage
that has burned a memory into our minds forever.
Sincerely, Captain on Board (used to be bored)
If you have a story to add to my collection, please write to me and let
me know if I can put it on my website. I think that most marriages could
stand a little more laughter, playfulness and imagination.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008 at 3:24 PM
I get calls from men and women who have been in marriage counseling for
years. You would think that after years of seeing a marriage counselor
they would have the ideal marriage and are only going for fine tuning at
this point. I don't know why I am still shocked when I find out that
they are worse off today than when they first started marriage
counseling. Obviously, commitment to their marriage is definitely not
one of their problems; otherwise they wouldn't have agreed to get help.
Think about how committed a couple has to be if they are faithfully
coming in week after week, month after month, year after year, to
discuss their marriage issues. Yet every day, a committed couple files
for divorce because a marriage counselor feels that they have done all
they can do and there is no future for them. After all, if a
professional marriage counselor gives you this advice, it must be true.
My life's work says it's not true.
Here is an email I received from a man who was fed up and wanted an
alternative to marriage counseling.
Marriage Counseling Did Not Help After 5 Years
My wife and I have been in marriage counseling for five years and things
have gone from bad to rock bottom! We started five years ago. We were
having some marriage problems and wanted to get an objective point of
view. Well, we have been faithfully coming twice a month and now we are
in a position where we are both ready to file for divorce.
It now seems that there are three people in our marriage and we can't
seem to make a move without consulting our counselor. I can't tell you
how many times a week my wife or I will say, "I need to run this by
John.", or "We better not make a decision until we see what John
thinks." I realized how insane this whole thing was last week when my
company asked me to go to the west coast for a few days to finalize a
deal with a new client. My immediate thought was, "I have to check with
John to see if he thinks this would take too much time away from the
family."
I know it's crazy but I feel that we need to find a therapist that can
help us detach from our therapist. My question for you is, that after 5
years, is it time to say goodbye to marriage counseling and fend for
ourselves? - Ted
Here was my reply:
Dear Ted: Since you are the one who said that it has gone from "bad to
rock bottom," it is clearly time to move on and stop going for marriage
counseling. It is a shame that, instead of giving you the tools you
needed to solve your problems, your marriage counselor has manipulated
you both into thinking that you can't make a move without consulting
him. It is the same crippling upbringing that many children get. The
goal in child rearing is to give your child roots and then wings. It
ought to be the same when couples go for marriage counseling. I am sure
that you are not alone and many couples are having the same dilemma.
Therefore, my suggestion would be to give the marriage counselor a
deadline to end marriage counseling and tell him that you would like a
summary of what needs to be done on your own. Perhaps a follow-up
session to see how you are doing would help.
Marriage Counseling Alternative Secret
Here is the secret to turning your marriage around. Are you ready? Your
thoughts have energy. So, to create what you want, it is important to
think that you already have what you want. If your spouse is thinking
about separating and that is what they are using their energy for, I
want you to counteract that negative energy with three times the amount
of positive energy.
I want every waking thought to be about staying together. Every night
before you go to bed, think about what you have learned on my CD
programs and the changes you are capable of making. Then picture
yourself executing my homework assignments and your mate reacting in a
positive way. Every evening before going to bed, picture you and your
spouse laughing and enjoying each other's company. Be as detailed as you
can. To help you, you can bring up the past when you were truly happy
and content. Lastly, picture looking into each other's eyes and imagine
the same passion that you used to feel. Repeat this exercise before you
get up in the morning.
For your situation to change, your energy, your thoughts and your
actions must all be focused on the outcome you are seeking. Do not pay
attention to any negative thoughts. If one comes up, then override it
with a positive thought. For example, if you have the following thought;
"It is only a question of time before my mate walks out the door." Talk
back to that thought and say, "That is not true. Once they see the
change in me, they are going to want to be with me forever!"
It is also so important to be surrounded by people who are positive and
supportive of your marriage because their thoughts affect you as well.
If you are working with a professional and they believe that it is going
to be difficult to save this marriage, stop going to this individual! If
your friends, co-workers and family begin bashing your mate, it's only
because of what you have told them in the past. Change what you tell
them and they too will change their thoughts.
I hope you will join me on an incredible journey that will prove to
everyone you know, that it is never too late to turn your marriage
around.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008 at 3:23 PM
How do you communicate with someone who slams doors, kicks cabinets,
gives dirty looks, rolls their eyes or resorts to the silent treatment
as a means of communication?
You may choose to ignore the whole thing, figuring it will soon blow
over. Or, you may ask, "What's wrong?" and when your mate responds,
"Nothing," the conversation is over. Unfortunately, neither of these
methods of dealing with nonverbal expressions of anger does anything to
increase communication and intimacy, but the following method does seem
to work:
First, you have to be willing to commit five minutes of your time to
breaking through the barrier. You begin with the same question you
usually ask: "What's wrong?"
This time, however, when get the usual answer ? "Nothing" ? you're not
going to drop it. Instead say: "Please tell me what's wrong. I know
something is bothering you."
Once again, the answer you get will probably be is, "I told you. Nothing
is wrong."
This is when it begins to get tough. Every bone in your body is telling
you to leave well enough alone - it's not worth it! Yes, it is. Keep
going. The fact that you are spending so much time and effort shows your
mate that you really care.
By now you are about three minutes into this monologue. This time you
say, "Please tell me what's wrong. I know you are upset. I must have
done something to hurt you, but unless you tell me what it is, I'll
never be able to do anything about it."
Your mate begins to weaken.
Here's your final attempt. I want you to say, "Please, please, tell me
what's wrong, so I can make it up to you. You are the most important
person in my life, and I love you with all my heart. Sometimes I can be
so insensitive to you, and I just have to know what I did to cause you
this pain."
Stick with this until you get an answer, no matter how discouraged you
become. The alternative is worse. Living with a person who is angry and
distant is no fun. This way, your mate will eventually cave in. It
really will only take about five minutes and it will be over, and both
of you will feel better.
While we're on the subject of non verbal communication, I want to
caution you to watch your own nonverbal messages. You can send a
negative message without saying a word. For example:
Your wife is talking to you. Your eyes never leave the newspaper. The
message you send is, "I'm not interested in what you have to say. This
newspaper is more interesting."
Your husband is telling a story you've heard many times before. You
begin to just roll your eyes. The message you send is, "You are so
boring. Here we go again."
You've just mad love and you are silent. The message you send is, "That
was no big deal; certainly not worth talking about."
Your mate is telling you about an incident she experienced that day, and
you look at your watch. The message you send is, "Hurry up and finish. I
have more important things to do."
Sometimes it's not what you say, but what you don't say, that hurts.
If you have a story to add to my collection, please write to me and let
me know if I can put it on my website. I think that most marriages could
stand a little more laughter, playfulness and imagination.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008 at 3:21 PM
Dear Dr. Ellen: My husband was transferred to another state and we have
to move out of our old house within the next three months. Trying to get
my two kids, ages 12 and 14 to help is next to impossible. We have been
in this house for years and there is so much we still need to do before
moving. Do you have any suggestions on how to motivate two unmotivated
kids when it comes to pitching in to help? - Sarah
Dear Sarah: The Cosby show once had an episode involving his youngest
daughter, Rudy, who refused to eat her brussel sprouts. After much
coaxing and pleading Mr. Cosby became annoyed. He told Rudy that she
could not get up from the dinner table unless she ate her brussel
sprouts, and he didn't care if it took all night and all the entire next
day. He and his wife went upstairs and got ready for an evening out.
Rudy continued sitting at the dinner table with the sprouts on her
plate. After a while her older sister came in with her friends. They
rearranged the furniture and rolled up the rug. When Rudy sked what they
were doing, her sister told her that they were going to dance. Rudy
asked if she could dance, too, and her sister said, "Sure you finish all
your brussel sprouts." She had hardly finished the sentence before Rudy
had eaten all of it. The point is, we all want to know what is in it for
us if we do what someone else wants us to do. For Rudy, the reward of
getting up from the table wasn't enough for her to endure the torture of
eating the brussel sprouts, but the chance to dance with her sister and
her friends was enough motivation.
Your children are upset because they don't want to leave their friends
and would prefer to stay where they are. In order to get them to help,
you will have to think of something that would be a great reward. For
example: Encourage them to contribute things they want to get rid of in
a family garage sale and put whatever money you make toward a vacation.
Ask them for some suggestions as to where they would like to go. If
money is an issue, it could be a recreational day at a theme park. The
money could also be used to buy them something they have been wanting.
Another idea is to tell them that once the garage is cleaned they can
have a big going away party. It's not a bribe. The point is to find out
what they would enjoy as a reward for the hard work that lies ahead for
all of you. - Dr. Ellen
Wednesday, June 25, 2008 at 3:20 PM
Dear Dr. Ellen: My husband and I have been married for 8 years and we
have two beautiful children, ages 5 and 2. About a year ago my husband
lost his job and went into a deep depression. At the same time, a guy at
work started paying attention to me. He'd come by my desk, telling me
how beautiful I was and how lucky my husband was to have a wife like me.
Well, I had an affair with this guy. I felt so guilty that I wound up
telling my husband. What a big mistake! I should tell you that my
husband is a great father, a wonderful lover and a great husband. We
split up for a time but are now back together. So here's my problem. My
husband is driving me crazy. One minute he wants to do everything and
anything for me; the housework, take care of the kids, buy me flowers
and is romantic, which I love. The next minute he's talking about the
guy I had an affair with, accusing me of still seeing him or sleeping
with someone else. Dr. Ellen, I'm not, but his jealousy is driving me
crazy! He wants to know where I am every minute of the day and calls me
if I have to work late. I know he doesn't believe me when I say I made a
big mistake and I want our marriage to work. What should I do? - Julie
Dear Julie: First of all, you did make a big mistake! I know you had the
affair at a time when your husband wasn't giving you any emotional
fulfillment, wasn't paying attention to you because he was so wrapped up
in his own misery. You were vulnerable and so this other man looked like
your Knight in Shining Armor. But what you did violated your marriage
vows and deeply hurt your husband. I know you want his forgiveness
immediately but it's going to take a long time before that's going to
happen. Time and your reassurance over and over again is what will make
this marriage heal. You'll have to keep telling him how much you love
him and how sorry you are. I know it's going to feel like a broken
record but it's the price you're going to have to pay for what you did.
He will eventually forgive you if he hears it enough times but
understand this - he will never forget what happened! Both of you can
use this crisis in your life to build a more loving, caring and
nurturing relationship, but it's going to take time. - Dr. Ellen
Wednesday, June 25, 2008 at 3:20 PM
Dear Dr. Ellen: I would like to know - what is romance? You see, my wife
has told me that I should be more romantic, and instead of ignoring her,
I decided to give it a try. I said to my wife "So tell me what kind of
romantic things you like so I can do them." Her reply was "If I tell you
that such and such is romantic, and then you do that, then it won't be
romantic anymore." Help. Please explain this romance thing to me. -
Darren
Dear Darren: I always tell women to stop thinking men have ESP and can
read your mind. Women are very intuitive and can read someone's mind but
most men don't have a clue and have to be told what you want. They
really do appreciate knowing what turns you on. If you are lucky enough
to have a man that asks you what romantic things he can do for you, tell
him! When I taught men's classes, I used to put the word, "ROMANCE" on
the blackboard and ask them if they thought of themselves as romantic.
Most of them thought I was asking them if they were good in bed. Of
course, they all said, "yes". But to a woman, romance is spending time
with her. When I put the word "ROMANCE" on the board in my women's
class, the comments were about dancing close together, cuddling, holding
hands while talking long walks, candlelight dinners, etc. In other
words, most men are X-rated, and most women are PG. Men need sexual
fulfillment in order to respond to a woman emotionally and women need
emotional fulfillment in order to respond sexually. So, my advice to you
is to ask your wife for a date next Saturday night. Take her out to
dinner and a show. Come back home and put on some romantic music and ask
her to dance. Run a bubble bath for her and tell her to relax and take
as much time as she needs and when she's ready, you'll brush her hair
and give her a massage from head to toe. That's romance! - Dr. Ellen
Wednesday, June 25, 2008 at 3:19 PM
Dear Dr. Ellen: I am holding a lot of anger and resentment towards my
husband's family, particularly his father. My husband's dad treats him
as if he is nothing. He seems as if he almost hates him. My husband
became the "man of the house" at the age of 10 when his father had an
accident and was confined to a wheelchair. I believe that is where his
father's hostility towards my husband lies. Anyway, my anger and
resentment towards his father is affecting our marriage and is only
hurting my husband, however, I don't know how to control it. What should
I do? - Jackie
Dear Jackie: It has to be very hard to see someone that you love treated
so poorly by his father. Your husband sounds like a saint, having taken
care of his father since he was 10. My guess is that you have already
told your husband of the pain and resentment you feel seeing him being
treated so poorly and he chooses to live with it rather than say
something. You have no control over your husband's relationship with his
family. You can only control your relationship with them. Remember, what
you DON'T see can't upset you. I think that you need to distance
yourself so you don't see how they are treating him. Tell your husband
that you will no longer accompany him on family visits because it hurts
to see someone you love being poorly treated and not appreciated. If
he's on the phone talking to a family member, you leave the room so you
don't hear the conversation. I think you'll find that your anger and
resentment should subside. There is nothing wrong with your husband
telling his parents the truth about why you are not there. If you are
really brave, you could tell them yourself. Obviously, what I would hope
for would be that your husband eventually confronts his father and asks
him to be more respectful and kinder otherwise he will lose a son as
well as a daughter-in-law and it will be his father's fault. Don't put
your husband down and criticize him for not confronting his father right
now. It will come in time. Make sure you give him all the praise,
respect and admiration you can. Tell him how much you value him and you
will not listen or watch anyone who doesn't! - Dr. Ellen
Wednesday, June 25, 2008 at 3:19 PM
Dear Dr. Ellen: My husband just walked out the door and told me that he
didn't want a Valentine's card from me this year because he's sick and
tired of my critical nature. It's true. He never seems to get upset at
me but for some reason so many things about him annoy me. We've been
married for 6 years and have a 2 year old and a 4 year old. I've been
crying about what he said all morning and don't know what to do. I know
he'll be upset if I get him a card and I'll be upset if I don't. - Meg
Dear Meg: To keep love alive, you have to be able to make your husband
feel good about himself. When you first fell in love all you saw were
his wonderful qualities. That's why they say, "Love is Blind."
Unfortunately, as time goes you get so caught up in the business of
raising children and the daily routine of life that you often focus more
on what's wrong with a person than what's right. Honor his request and
don't get a card. Instead, sit down and write him a love letter and
include all the reasons why you love him. Before you do this I want you
to really think about all the qualities you saw in him when you first
fell in love. To help you shift from your present negative thinking to
positive thinking, I want you to ask yourself these two questions:
1) How would someone else who has just fallen head over heels in love
with my mate view the same personality traits that have begun to
irritate me?
2) If my mate had only one more day to live, what would I be focusing on?
Remember there are at least two ways to view every personality trait,
from a positive or negative viewpoint. I'll give you some examples. If
you view your mate as unenthusiastic, another way of looking at it is
that he is often patient, consistent and low-key. If you see your mate
as indecisive, he's probably flexible, open-minded and philosophical. If
he's disorganized, he's probably spontaneous, creative and multifaceted.
If he's rigid, he's probably dependable, consistent and responsible. I
hope you see my point. Everyone deserves to feel good about themselves
when they are with you.
Then, after you are done with the love letter, make some love coupons
and give them to him. If you don't have the time to do it by tomorrow,
you can still use the idea for another occasion - the day you met, his
birthday, or a no occasion gift. Somewhere write - "More valuable than
money is my gift of LOVE to you. Because you are so special, you are
worth my time, my energy and my effort."
Some ideas for coupons -
1. A morning of rest. Sleep as long as you want followed by breakfast in
bed.
2. A soothing bubble bath followed by a massage from head to toe,
guaranteed to relax that wonderful body of yours.
3. A lunch date at the restaurant of your choice. We'll enjoy the
pleasure of each other's company. Who knows where we'll have "dessert"!
4. A steamy shower for two - guaranteed to make you feel clean "all
over".
5. A shopping spree for the "nightie" of your choice. Let your
imagination run wild and let me be your fantasy.
6. King for a day. You pick the day and your every wish will be my
command.
7. One passionate evening in the room of your choice!
8. A snuggle date in bed. A day to watch T.V. and eat in bed. Nothing to
do but relax in each other's arms.
9. Kiss and make-up session. If I have upset you in any way, just
present this coupon and I'll listen to you, make it up to you and also
say, "I'm sorry".
10. A 10-second kiss. You pick the time, day or night, and we will
engage in a passionate 10-second kiss. I want to show you that, not only
do I love you, but that I am still "in love" with you. Happy Valentine's
Day! - Dr. Ellen
Wednesday, June 25, 2008 at 3:18 PM
Dear Dr. Ellen: It's been a long time since my husband and I have been
away on any kind of vacation without the kids. We have 4 children, ages
11, 9, 6 and 3. My husband is a salesman by profession and has won a two
week vacation to France for both of us. My parents have offered to
baby-sit. I know it's a chance of a lifetime, but I have never left my
kids for such a long time and so far away. What makes it even harder,
was that when we told the kids about the trip, my six-year-old stormed
out of the room and the nine-year-old started to cry. They couldn't
believe that we were going without them. My husband wants to go but I'd
feel too guilty. What do you think? - Sharon
Dear Sharon: Children know exactly how to make you feel guilty and get
what they want. They are the masters of this game. Children are very
self-centered and believe that the whole world should revolve around
them. It's up to you, as a parent, to teach them that this is not the
case. If you are waiting for your children's permission to have a
vacation that doesn't include them, forget it! You'll be old and gray
before it happens. Children do not know what's good for them, you do. I
know they want you home all the time, but they also want fast food every
night for dinner. So, in spite of what they want, the last thing they
need is unhappy parents who sacrifice everything for the sake of the
child and then wind up divorced. The best gift you ever give your
children is a loving relationship with your husband. The happiest, most
well adjusted kids come from a home where mommy and daddy love each
other. So feel the guilt and book that vacation. BON VOYAGE - Dr. Ellen
Wednesday, June 25, 2008 at 3:18 PM
Dear Dr. Ellen: It has been 4 months since my husband left me. I was
shocked and devastated when he told me that he had been having an affair
for 6 months. I could not believe that he was throwing away 10 years of
marriage, not to mention the pain he was causing our 8 and 10-year old
children. I purchased your tapes and now I see why he had the affair and
what I should have done differently. I admit that all my focus was on my
children and my work. We had practically no sex life. My question is "Is
it too late to patch this up. He has not filed for divorce and hasn't
brought the topic up. He comes over to see the kids on weekends. It
seems like he's staying longer and it's getting harder to leave. I feel
like sometimes we are getting closer and then he'll still leave. I often
wonder what she says to him- how she must be dreading the thought of him
leaving her to come back to his family. I am so unsure what to do. I
love him so very much and I want to grow old with this man. Thank you so
much - Christine
Dear Christine: The only thing you can do, now that you are not living
together, is to make the time count when he comes over to visit. Act
happy, independent and busy with your life. Act like someone who he'd
want to have an affair with. Do not be depressed and needy. I don't care
if your heart is breaking, don't let him see that side anymore. When he
says it's time to leave, say, "Okay, thanks for coming by" and seem
anxious for him to leave or better yet, the next time, you make it a
point to cut the visit short because you have plans. The point is that
your behavior has been so predictable and I'd like you to be
UNPREDICTIBLE. Then he'll start to wonder what's going on. Maybe you've
met someone? Have an air of mystery to you. The more time he spends with
you, the more angry the other woman will get and he'll get tired of her
moods. You have to act like the other woman. Compliment him, talk to
him, treasure the little time you have together and make it count, then
sweetly kiss him goodbye. No accusations, no making him feel guilty, and
no pathetic, or sad behavior. The more fun you are to be with, and a
pleasure to talk to, the less time he'll want to spend with the other
woman. It may take some time, but you can do this! - Dr. Ellen
Wednesday, June 25, 2008 at 3:18 PM
Dear Dr. Ellen: My husband of 2 1/2 years walked out on me on January
31, with just a "Please forgive me" written on the back of our wedding
picture. I was devastated to find out that he was living with a 24 year
old. (He's 27 & I'm 40). The affair has been going on for quite
sometime, right in front of me, in public. When I asked him why, all he
said was that she could give him one thing that I couldn't - children. I
have no problem in that category. Since he's been with her, he has been
speaking to me up until a few days ago, when I made the choice for him.
What should I do? I love this man, and I know he still loves me. Should
I wait until he finds out that the grass isn't greener on the other side
or should I close this door and wait for another to open? I'm not a
spring chicken anymore. Help! - Rita
Dear Rita: It is not very often that I respond to someone so harshly but
I'm hoping to really shake you up. YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS! It's
time to think about what's best for Rita. You mentioned that your
husband had been seeing this girl for "quite some time." You've only
been married for 2 1/2 years! Unfortunately, you married a "boy," not a
man. This boy wants you to forgive him. Why should you? He is lacking
honesty, integrity, and courage, all qualities that are part of a man
with character. Trust is one of the most important aspects of a
relationship and without it you can't build a life together. The man you
are describing cannot be trusted. That is a function of his basic
character and not his age. There is a saying, "Actions speak louder than
words." What does it matter if a man tells his wife how much he loves
her, and then abuses her everyday either verbally or physically? What
does it matter if a father tells his daughter how much he loves her and
then abandons her? What does it matter if a boy tells his girlfriend how
much he cares about her but only has sex with her and never takes her
out on a real date?
You say, "I know he loves me." His ACTIONS are not indicative of a man
who loves you. My definition of "love" is, when someone else's happiness
and well-being is just as important as your own. Do you really think
that your husband is concerned with your well-being? When you asked him
why he was having the affair, the answer he should have given you was,
"Because I am a liar, a cheat and a coward and all I care about is
myself." Now THAT answer I can work with, not his poor excuse for
cheating. Also his writing, "I'm sorry," on the back of your wedding
picture was cruel and insensitive.
You ended your email to me with, "I'm no spring chicken anymore." Well,
40 is not over the hill! You have a lot to offer someone even if you
don't believe that right now. Take some time now to take care of
yourself and grieve your loss. Close the door on this chapter of your
life. You are still young enough to find a man who adores you and has
good morals and values.
In time you will realize that you deserve to have a man who loves you
with all his heart and don't you dare settle for anything less. Good
luck! - Dr. Ellen
Wednesday, June 25, 2008 at 3:17 PM
Dear Dr. Ellen: My husband and I have been together 8 yrs. We have been
married 2 of those 8 yrs. We have known each other for about 20 yrs. His
father died suddenly about 4 months ago. His sisters and his step-mom
agreed to sign everything over to him. We have another house that is in
my name from before we started living together. He has decided that he
doesn't want to be married anymore. But still wants us to live together.
He said that he's controlling things now and it's his way or the
highway. I love this man and I had planned on spending the rest of my
life with him. I just don't understand what he thinks will be different
if we are not married. I don't want to take steps backward. I want our
future to go forward. He said that I'm the one who is throwing this
away. I told him, he gave me no choice. I don't want to go back to
living together but not married. Should I give his way a chance or
accept the fact that we won't be together anymore? - Patty
Dear Patty: Most women who write to me seem to underestimate their value
in the relationship. You have been part of his daily life for 8 years.
You are going to have to take the chance that you mean more to him than
he even he realizes, and if not, then it's time to take the highway. How
happy and joyful do you think you will be if he files for divorce and
you continue to live together? My guess is that you will become cold,
distant and unresponsive as soon as that happens. We all have an inner
guide that tells us what to do. I know yours is telling you that his new
arrangement won't work. You need to follow your guide and not his. All
of a sudden he wants to be a free man? I don't think so. I think he
knows that if he just asks for a divorce without giving you any hope of
staying together, you may go after his newly acquired assets. If he
banks on you being the weak, "whatever you say dear" type of woman,
he'll have the freedom to see other women, go anywhere he chooses
without answering to you, and keep all his assets to himself. You are
going to have to take a very deep breath and do what your heart tells
you to do. I know you think you can't live without him, but what you
don't know at this point is that he probably can't live without you as
well. You both stood at the alter and vowed to stay married, "till death
do you part" and for him to break that vow means he does not want to
spend the rest of his life with you as husband and wife. He wants to
spend just enough time and give you just enough hope so that you don't
cost him anything in a divorce settlement. My advice is to go to a
lawyer immediately and see what you are entitled to receive. I think you
will see that he is asking you to agree to a very one-sided arrangement
where he has only his own best interests at heart. - Dr. Ellen
Wednesday, June 25, 2008 at 3:17 PM
Hello Dr. Ellen: What do you think about wives taking pictures of
themselves for their husbands, to let them know what they have? Or is
this asking for trouble? I happened to find out that my husband had
recently looked at several revealing pictures of women on an internet
auction. So I confronted him about it and I feel we're ok as long as
it's not something that happens again. I should have emailed you then,
to see why guys do that and how we should handle it. That was not his
nature at all but they weren't horrible pictures either, even though it
really hurt me that he saw what he saw and didn't come to me for it.
Well, I'm quite interested to know how you feel about all this. Thanks,
your student. - Jennifer
Dear Jennifer: The Internet is addicting and men have to use a lot of
self-control to stay away from it. There is so much spam going on now
and adult sites are sending unsolicited material right to everyone's
email address. Many men cannot help but take a peek and before they know
it, they are hooked. I am getting so many emails now from women who have
caught their husbands spending time on adult sites. Ages ago, a man had
to resort to going into a "sleazy" store in an undesirable part of town
to buy an adult video. Then, when video stores became main stream, they
kept the adult movies out of site, in the back of the store. The fear of
someone seeing you was enough to prevent most married men from renting
that type of video. Now, in the privacy of your home, it is difficult
for men to stay away and understand why it hurts their partner so much.
They don't consider it cheating and most women do.
Most men enjoy looking at beautiful women and get pleasure out of seeing
them in magazines and on the Internet. However, once a man falls in love
and gets married, he has more than himself to consider. My definition of
true love is, "When someone else's happiness and well-being is just as
important as your own." Hopefully, now that you have now told him how
unhappy his behavior made you feel, he'll respect that. I know he
wouldn't be very happy if you were viewing the same thing with men
online. The truth is that if he continues this behavior, you will turn
into an angry, cold, bitter and unresponsive woman.
A mature and loving man knows that he has to sacrifice certain things
for the sake of a marriage. When you become parents there are even more
sacrifices for the sake of the children. You may want to "party" till
4:00 a.m. but, if you are a responsible and loving parent, you know that
your child needs you to be alert the next day, so you don't! If looking
at naked women hurts your partner, then you simply control your impulses
and don't do it!
I think taking the glamour shots or what they call "boudoir photography"
is a great idea. It's a wonderful experience. You'll be shocked at how
classy and sexy you'll look. You can present it to your husband with a
cute note that says, "For Your Eyes Only." - Dr. Ellen
Wednesday, June 25, 2008 at 3:16 PM
Dear Dr. Ellen: I am 34 and my husband is 30. We were married nearly 2
years ago. My husband is also sober 15 years, thanks to AA. When we
first got together nearly 3 years ago, our income levels were close, but
in the last 2 years my income has tripled. In the last year my husband
decided that he did not like what he was doing as a CPA and wanted to
try something else. I was totally supportive and encouraged him to find
whatever line of work would make him happy. He found a business idea and
bought a new truck, all the supplies, memberships and insurance. Three
months later he hated it and decided to sell the business because it was
not what he wanted to do. I was ok with that, too. I have come to
realize that he does not know what he wants to do but I see that as his
issue. My job is to support him in any path he chooses. What I am having
a hard time with is that he has started seeing a counselor. This person
gave him homework to come home last week and talk to me about what is
giving him such anxiety. He came home from the counselor to tell me that
I have caused all of his anxiety because he is so worried about not
earning as much as I do. He said that if I do not love him solely for
the man he is and not for the income he has potential to make, that I
have married the wrong guy. I told him that I do love him, whatever he
makes, that I know and trust that he has TONS of potential and that he
is his worst critic. Amidst all of this, he also wants to start a family
which I too want, just not right now when I feel like everything is
unbalanced. He asked if he could be a stay at home Dad. That was when I
got upset. I told him that it would not be all right with me. I would
feel cheated and resentful and that is something I have waited all my
life to do even if it is only for a few months. Over the last few days,
I realized that I am angry because I feel like I'm being punished for
being successful in my career by the man I have so unselfishly and
unconditionally supported. Can you shed some light on what I should do?
Thank you! - Wendy
Dear Wendy: I think it is admirable that your husband had the courage to
quit his job and try his hand at a business he thought would be
successful. There is also no shame that he recognized early on that he
made a mistake. It's also quite natural for him to have anxiety over
making another wrong decision. Certainly a good counselor would validate
his feelings and help him through this difficult transition period. It
is hard for me to believe that he is seeing someone who is actually
supporting the notion that your husband's anxiety is your fault. That is
inconceivable to me after what you have written to me. Assuming it is
the truth, it is obvious that you have been a very supportive and
nurturing wife. Your husband should be so appreciative of having a woman
who has been a true partner contributing, not only financially, but
emotionally, to his well-being. You seem to have had only his best
interests at heart. Of course you feel angry, frustrated and confused
about getting blamed for his decisions and choices. It is not your fault
and if he continues down this path, he will destroy the love you have
for him.
You cannot be silent about this. You must tell him how much this has
hurt you. You can validate his feelings by letting him know that you
understand how awful it is to have his dreams shattered and how
difficult it is to find the strength to go on. But you will not accept
being the scapegoat.
He has gone through some disappointment and it will take a little time
and lots of love and encouragement from you until he gets control of his
life again. I have no doubt that a man who has been sober for 15 years
and became a CPA, knows the meaning of commitment and dedication. He's
just a little off track and needs to continually hear how much you
believe in him.
Do not, however, bring a child into this world until you have a perfect
understanding of what your roles will be. You have to decide on whether
this is a deal breaker for you or not. If you are forced to work because
he has chosen not to, then you will resent him and your child will
suffer. Don't give any mixed messages here by saying one thing and
really wanting another. If this has been your lifetime dream, you cannot
agree to give it up. Make sure he is very clear that you will not work
when the baby is born, period. So, if he really wants to be a
stay-at-home dad, he will have to wait until you are ready to go back to
work. You may decide on a few months or a few years. You can't take an
opinion poll on this. This is a very personal decision. - Dr. Ellen
Wednesday, June 25, 2008 at 3:16 PM
Hello Dr. Ellen: I have been married now for 6 months and have known my
wife for 7 years. We are both 30 years old. During this time we have had
our normal ups and downs and have been able to successfully work through
them, usually after a day or so. I love my wife dearly and we have been
talking about having kids and have just moved into a brand new house.
All of this has fallen apart lately. About 4 weeks ago we had a
seemingly innocent conversation about our sexual history and about the
number of partners we have slept with. We had a similar conversation 7
years ago and I was given a vague answer of 3 or 4 partners. We have
built a life of great memories together so far and I have found her to
be a great person who loves me, does not smoke or do drugs, hardly
drinks and is no longer into the nightclub scene. Growing up, one of the
things I had come to value in a partner is the ability to abstain from
sex until marriage. My wife is very pretty and growing up in Australia,
I was prepared to accept that she has had a sexual past. Anyway, at the
end of the conversation, she had admitted that she had about 11 partners
and when pressed, she admitted to 14. (all in a 3 year span)! When the
conversation pressed on, I found out that she had had 1 night stands and
used to pick up guys at nightclubs that she frequented. Now I look back
at all her stories about nightclubbing and her flirting while drunk (in
my presence) to the point of hugging and kissing those around her as a
reminder of how she is (or was). If this is the number she did sleep
with, what about the near misses! She has also had unprotected sex on
occasions and has only recently had laser surgery to remove a wart virus
(which affected our sex life). I cannot help but be horrified by her
promiscuous past and have got very depressed about the details of her
encounters. I have had sex myself but I was in long term relationships
and had no where near the partners she has had. Now I cannot look at her
and feel the same closeness that we have been used to. I cannot help but
visualize all the guys having sex with her, sometimes as we are doing
it. Horrible thoughts enter my head as I look at her and sometimes refer
to her in my head as a "slut". I have not come across anything in my
life as hard to overcome and have certainly not had to seek help before
for anything. Sometimes I feel like getting even by sleeping around (I
have thought about it only). I can't help but feel that maybe I missed
out in my younger years by not having slept with a lot of women.
I feel that she has been able to experiment sexually and I haven't and
it makes me feel a lot of hurt, jealousy and insecurity. We had such a
big fight about our difference of opinion on this that we mentioned
divorce already. We are hanging on desperately trying to find a way to
solve this without leaving each other. I hope this reaches you and you
can help. - Lance
Dear Lance: You can bet that in any long-term relationship, sooner or
later, some unforeseen past event will wreck havoc in your life. It has
simply come sooner in your marriage, rather than later. This is your
test and I really hope that you don't fail. Your wife opened up to you
because it has probably been haunting her for a long time and she feels
guilty not telling you the truth.
There is no such thing as a "seemingly innocent conversation about our
sexual history," and quite frankly I am surprised you didn't know that a
conversation like that would bring up things that could potentially hurt
you. Many men have lovingly stated that they didn't want to know
anything about ex-lovers because they intuitively knew that it would
serve no purpose and would affect them negatively. It was not fair of
you to make it seem safe for her to share her past with you, and then
reject her for being honest.
She trusted you and now you are making her feel sorry that she did. If
you continue this, she'll never open herself up again to you. She took a
leap of faith and was completely honest with you about her past. If you
are not understanding and sympathetic now, it may be the last time she
ever takes that chance again. The past is over and it cannot be changed.
Most of us come into a relationship with excess baggage, things we would
like to change and experiences we wish had never happened. Your
tenderness and love has the ability to heal her wounds and make her feel
whole again. Don't waste this opportunity. It's a gift you can give her
for the rest of your life together.
She needs a husband who loves her for the woman she is today. The most
important words a woman can hear when she has shared something from her
past that she is not proud of, is, "I love you, no matter what! Your
past is over and it has nothing to do with the present or the future."
If you are not up to the task, then she really will be better off
without you. She will not be able to live with someone who has disgust
for her. The worst thing you can do, is stay married and then make her
feel bad and guilty for something that cannot be changed. Today, as you
said in your email, you have a woman who loves you, does not smoke or do
drugs, hardly drinks and is no longer into the nightclub scene. I think
after reading this email, you had better take her in your arms tonight
and tell her how far she has come, how proud you are to be her husband,
and what a wonderful mother she will be in the future. If you don't, I
can guarantee that you will be searching for another perfect woman who
doesn't exist. - Dr. Ellen
Wednesday, June 25, 2008 at 3:14 PM
Dear Dr. Ellen: I would like to know the best way to handle a religion
difference in our marriage. We have a 3 year old boy. I am not a
Christian and my husband is. I would not feel comfortable with him
taking our son to church although I know my husband can do what he wants
and teach him what he wants. I would like to take him to Jewish classes
with me and this is how I am raising him (our son). What do I do when he
wants to take our son to church? What do we tell our son about the
religious differences? Can I take him with me? - Carla
Dear Carla: This is definitely a personal issue that should have been
discussed before you got married and certainly before having a child. I
know that most clergy believe that a child should be raised believing in
one religion. I |