Dear Dr. Ellen: I'm married and have a 3-year-old daughter. I've always
been a very capable person for as long as I can remember. When I was
working in an office I prided myself in getting everything done quickly
and perfectly. Now that I am a mother I am very critical of my daughter
when I see her doing things that are not up to my standards. My husband
thinks I should back off but I feel that when she does something she
should be taught to do it right or not at all.
It's actually less work to do the household chores myself than to have
her help. I'd rather wait until she's older when she will be more
capable of following directions. I'd really like your input on this.
Thanks. - Jean
Dear Jean: Everyone seems to understand the importance of practice when
learning to play a musical instrument or participating in a sport. Many
women, however, have a difficult time realizing that it also takes
practice to become skilled at making beds, washing dishes, vacuuming or
doing other household chores. If you take over a chore for a child
because you know you can do it better and faster, then your child never
gets the chance to practice. If you are the type of person who says,
"I'll pour the milk because you'll spill it" or "I'll make the bed
because you'll do a sloppy job" or I'll clean your room because it will
take you too long," then you aren't giving your child enough practice
doing things for herself.
It's important to realize that when a young child gives you help, it's
probably going to take more time to complete the job than if you were to
do it yourself. Instead of getting frantic about what needs to be done
today, try to take a longer range view, keeping in mind the big picture.
Children between the ages of two and four seem to have great interest in
helping. This is the ideal time to encourage them. Don't make the
mistake of pushing your child aside or belittling her efforts because
she is more trouble than help. Being patient and understanding while
your child is still young will bring much better results than waiting
until she's older and then suddenly trying to force her to do chores. If
children aren't encouraged when they are interested, they can't be
expected to want to help when they are older. Praise is one of the most
valuable teaching tools and motivators that you can use as a parent.
Lavish her with praise for any little thing she does, such as carrying
her plate to the kitchen sink. You'll find that as you notice and praise
your daughter, she will become more and more helpful. - Dr. Ellen.
