Dear Dr. Ellen: I have a problem between my husband and my brother. My husband and I have been together for three years. During most of this time, my brother has given my husband the cold shoulder, often not speaking to him while in his company, due to his own insecurities. The problem is that my brother is this way with the rest of our family as well on many occasions. We are just "used" to him and I would always try to justify it that way to my husband so he wouldn't take it personally. I never did address it with my brother. Just recently my husband got really fed up with my brother on an issue of professional basketball tickets. My husband felt my brother was lying to him regarding these seasons' tickets. With my encouragement, my husband finally vented his feelings to my brother. However, he did so in an email. My brother called me shocked and surprised the obvious angry tone in the email. I tried to explain to my brother how his cold shoulder has been received by my husband over the years and asked him how he would feel if the tables were turned. My brother did understand this, however insisted it was nothing personal and assured me that he had not been lying to my husband on the issue of the tickets. After we hung up, my brother tried to call my husband to clear the air. The problem is, my husband told him he couldn't talk and told me that he just doesn't like my brother after everything that has happened. He also said he "knows" my brother is lying and is just going to feed him more "lies". Therefore, my husband has no intention of contacting my brother back in any way. I tried to tell him that I feel it's important to allow my brother to respond to the email and give his side to the story. I also asked my husband to consider the possibility that my brother was not lying, but that it was just a misunderstanding. My husband didn't want to hear it and instead began accusing me of taking his "side," to which I assured him was untrue and unfair to say. I don't know what to do. My husband is now 36 years old and has not spoken to his father since he's 21, so I know all too well how long my husband can hold a grudge. I don't know if I should just mind my own business or encourage further communication between the two. Please help. - Bonnie

Dear Bonnie: This is simply the straw that broke the camel's back. This would probably be no big deal and just considered a misunderstanding if it was an isolated incident. But it sounds like it's been years that your husband has gone along with everyone and excused your brother's bad manners and behavior. First of all, your allegiance is to your husband and to step into his shoes for a change. You've been able to do that with your brother, most of your life. This is a valuable lesson for your brother and it is finally your husband who is going to teach it. It may be like the little boy who cried "Wolf" too many times and when it was real, no one believed him. This is not really about this incident but about years of selfishness. There may be nothing your brother can do right now to make up for all his bad behavior and it will take time for your husband to get over this. It sounds like your husband has been reasonable so far and I have no reason to believe, that given a little time and validation of his feelings, he'll be able to talk to your brother again. As for not talking to his own father for all these years, I would bet that his father has done some very cruel things. It takes a lot for a son to cut off all communication and I am sure it is also an accumulation of many years of either verbal or physical abuse. It is time to say one last thing to both of them and then you need to step away and let "Time heal all wounds." To your husband you say, "You have turned the other cheek for all these years because of me and I love you for that. I truly do understand how you feel and don't blame you for being upset with my brother. In fact, if you had a sister who had been acting like my brother, I don't think I could have been as wonderful as you have been. I know this is going to take time and it is up to my brother to make things right." Then you go to your brother and say, "I know that my husband may have overreacted in this situation but he's really reacting to years of feeling rejected by you. He's not going to apologize for his email and how he feels. I hope that just this one time, you can swallow your pride and make things right between the two of you. I love you and don't want to see this family torn apart. This is a misunderstanding between the two of you and nothing I say will make a difference. He needs to hear it from you." Then you must do something you will find next to impossible; step away and leave it alone. - Dr. Ellen