How do you communicate with someone who slams doors, kicks cabinets,
gives dirty looks, rolls their eyes or resorts to the silent treatment
as a means of communication?
You may choose to ignore the whole thing, figuring it will soon blow
over. Or, you may ask, "What's wrong?" and when your mate responds,
"Nothing," the conversation is over. Unfortunately, neither of these
methods of dealing with nonverbal expressions of anger does anything to
increase communication and intimacy, but the following method does seem
to work:
First, you have to be willing to commit five minutes of your time to
breaking through the barrier. You begin with the same question you
usually ask: "What's wrong?"
This time, however, when get the usual answer ? "Nothing" ? you're not
going to drop it. Instead say: "Please tell me what's wrong. I know
something is bothering you."
Once again, the answer you get will probably be is, "I told you. Nothing
is wrong."
This is when it begins to get tough. Every bone in your body is telling
you to leave well enough alone - it's not worth it! Yes, it is. Keep
going. The fact that you are spending so much time and effort shows your
mate that you really care.
By now you are about three minutes into this monologue. This time you
say, "Please tell me what's wrong. I know you are upset. I must have
done something to hurt you, but unless you tell me what it is, I'll
never be able to do anything about it."
Your mate begins to weaken.
Here's your final attempt. I want you to say, "Please, please, tell me
what's wrong, so I can make it up to you. You are the most important
person in my life, and I love you with all my heart. Sometimes I can be
so insensitive to you, and I just have to know what I did to cause you
this pain."
Stick with this until you get an answer, no matter how discouraged you
become. The alternative is worse. Living with a person who is angry and
distant is no fun. This way, your mate will eventually cave in. It
really will only take about five minutes and it will be over, and both
of you will feel better.
While we're on the subject of non verbal communication, I want to
caution you to watch your own nonverbal messages. You can send a
negative message without saying a word. For example:
Your wife is talking to you. Your eyes never leave the newspaper. The
message you send is, "I'm not interested in what you have to say. This
newspaper is more interesting."
Your husband is telling a story you've heard many times before. You
begin to just roll your eyes. The message you send is, "You are so
boring. Here we go again."
You've just mad love and you are silent. The message you send is, "That
was no big deal; certainly not worth talking about."
Your mate is telling you about an incident she experienced that day, and
you look at your watch. The message you send is, "Hurry up and finish. I
have more important things to do."
Sometimes it's not what you say, but what you don't say, that hurts.
If you have a story to add to my collection, please write to me and let
me know if I can put it on my website. I think that most marriages could
stand a little more laughter, playfulness and imagination.
