Dear Dr. Ellen: We've stopped making love and I need help! I like to
make love at night with at least some romance and my husband wants to
have sex in the morning when he gets up with absolutely no preparation.
It's like we now have this wall up and neither of us is willing to
budge. I'm sure not going to be part of "wham, bam, thank you ma'am"
when he's not willing to take his time and feel close in the evenings. I
honestly don't know what to do. - Gina
Dear Gina: When two people cannot agree on something it is necessary to
compromise. Until you both stop trying to win or get your way, this is
not going to happen. I always ask people, "Do you want to be right or do
you want to be loved?" I know that compromising isn't the perfect
solution, but it is still better than a brilliant solution where one
person wins and the other feels cheated, taken advantage of, or
dominated.
First of all, a little information goes a long way. In my audio program
for men and women I explain that for many men their hormone level is
highest in the morning. For many women their highest hormone level
occurs in the evening. So you are not alone. Many men prefer sex in the
morning while women like to make love in the evening. Your conflict
began as a simple biological difference and has now escalated into a war
where neither one is willing to please the other. Also keep in mind that
romance is an acquired skill that has to be taught. You can either lead
by "telling" or you can lead by, "showing." In my opinion, leading by
example is the most powerful way there is to teach. Surprise him with a
romantic evening and ask him to agree to a truce. Tell him how much you
love him and ask him if he is willing to participate in a few romantic
evenings in exchange for early morning sex. As silly as this may sound,
take out a calendar and plan which days you'll make love in the evening
and which days you'll make love in the morning. We put doctor and
dentist's appointments on the calendar and we even schedule car
maintenance on the calendar. Why not put the person you love most on the
calendar? - Dr. Ellen
