In a committed relationship, the decisions you and your mate make will
guide your life together. Whether it's deciding to buy a house, have a
baby, or change careers, your decisions will affect the dynamics of your
marriage. If you make your decisions based on fear, your marriage will
be haunted by insecurities, anxiety, and negative energy. If you make
your decisions based on love, your marriage will be touched by nothing
but warmth, confidence, and trust. A couple with those emotions will
never wind up in marriage counseling.
If you experience difficulty making a particular decision, there is
probably some kind of fear involved. To make the best decision possible,
use the following steps. First, ask yourself, "What am I afraid of?" It
could be fear of losing money, fear that you can't make it on your own,
fear that you won't succeed, fear that you'll disappoint someone else,
fear that you won't be loved anymore, or fear of losing someone you
love. So first, I really want you to face what you are afraid of.
Next, I want you to ask yourself, "If I were coming from a loving place
deep inside me, where I knew I was completely safe, that my instincts
were trustworthy and my motives were pure, how would I react and what
would I say or do?" The answer to this question is sometimes very
different than what you would normally do or say. You may be attending
individual or couples marriage counseling and the counselor has
encouraged you to do whatever makes you happy. The problem with that
advice is that once you think about your choices, you realize that there
are good and bad consequences no matter what decision you make. So, many
times neither decision will make you happy. Sometimes it comes down to
which will make you feel "less worse."
I've helped many people make difficult decisions in their life. One of
them was Monica, who attended one of my lectures very distraught. She
told me that her husband had come home from work a few days ago and had
proudly announced that his company was doubling his salary, making him
vice president of a new bank, and was moving his family from California
to Arizona.
Monica said that all she could think about was how lonely she would be
if she had to leave her friends and family behind. She couldn't imagine
coping with her nine-month-old baby without the help of her mother. She
knew no one in Arizona and didn't make friends easily. She had cried all
that night, and in the morning she had told Peter she didn't want to go.
Peter left for work that morning without kissing her goodbye for the
first time in their marriage. Monica set up an appointment for marriage
counseling with a therapist that was recommended by one of her friends.
The counselor told her husband that he had to think about someone other
than himself now that he had a wife and baby and he had to take Monica's
feelings into consideration. Then she told Monica that there would be no
point in making this move if she was going to be miserable. It would
only be a matter of time before she would come home as a single mom!
So, you can imagine the state Monica was in when she came to see me.
They were no closer to making a decision after their marriage counseling
session.
I asked Monica to picture the worst-case scenario, including all of her
fears. She did a pretty good job of it. She pictured herself crying
every day as she sat by herself in her lonely house with the baby
screaming. She felt isolated, depressed, and angry.
I simply asked her if her thoughts were supportive and coming from a
loving place. She said, "No, and they are making me miserable."
I asked her to pretend that she was coming from a loving place, a place
where she was safe and secure and all of her thoughts were supportive.
Then I asked her what she would do or say if that's how she felt. She
looked at me as if I were crazy and said, "But I don't feel safe and
secure. I'm scared."
I said, "I know that, but if you were coming from a loving place instead
of a fearful place, what would you do? Just for a moment, pretend."
Monica said, "Well, if I felt safe and secure, then I would be excited
about going. I would tell my husband how proud I am of him and what a
wonderful opportunity this would be for us. If I wasn't scared, I'd be
excited about buying our first home because the prices are so much lower
in Arizona than they are in California."
I did everything I could to convince Monica that she should make her
decision from that loving place where faith prevails and not from a
fearful place. I'm happy to report that Monica and Peter did move to
Arizona. I received a letter letting me know that she had joined a
"Mommy and Me" swim class and had made some wonderful new friends. They
bought a home in a good neighborhood and a lovely retired couple who
lived next door, were delighted to help out with baby-sitting.
If Monica had made her decision based on fear, she never would have
stepped out of her comfort zone and experienced a new adventure, and her
relationship with her husband would have been damaged, if not destroyed
completely.
To live your life in a fearful state is to rob yourself of pleasure and
new experiences. More importantly, when you live your life in fear, it
is impossible to experience a deep connection with others, especially
your mate.
