Dear Dr. Ellen: A pool salesman was at my house today. He was a
high-pressure type of salesman. You know the type. They offer you a
better deal if you are ready to sign on the dotted line today. I made
mention of the fact that I did not appreciate his type of sales tactics.
I had already told him at the beginning of his presentation that I get 3
estimates and presentations BEFORE I sign anything. Well anyway, he
didn't like that I suggested he was a high pressure salesman and told me
he never quite had that kind of reaction before. Basically he was mad
because he didn't make the deal and decided that he was going to put me
in my place. Well, that just didn't go over well with me and I told him
so. But what really upset me was the way my husband was acting. He got
up from the table, went into the kitchen when this guy and I got into
it. Then on top of that he told me that I should stop. I felt this guy
was insulting me in my own house, and said "whatever" and just left the
table. I called one of my friends, told her what happened and she said
her husband would have defended her. I felt my husband should have done
the same. I was really mad and called my husband a "pansy" and that his
sister told me once he was afraid of his own shadow. This is not the
first time my husband has not stood up for me. He acts like he is scared
of conflict. I don't like it either, but I'm not going to let someone
disrespect me in my own home. I don't know what to do about my
relationship with my husband now. Everything happens for a reason, so
maybe this needed to happen. Any advice is appreciated. - Betty
Dear Betty: I believe that you fell in love with your husband because he
probably has a low-key personality and is easygoing and relaxed. The
fact that he is a peaceful and agreeable man who avoids conflicts
doesn't make him a "pansy." You could have simply thanked the salesman
for coming and said, "My husband and I will talk it over. I really
appreciate your time and we'll get back to you." If he tried to pressure
you after that, you could have said, "That's a great deal and I really
appreciate that offer but we never make a decision without thinking
about it for a few days and getting a few more estimates."
To begin with, it is very risky in this day and age to invite a stranger
into your home under any circumstances. He was obviously very
unprofessional and the fact that he got mad at you could have escalated
into a volatile situation. I am sure that your husband was very
uncomfortable, didn't want this to escalate and just wanted him to
leave. Everyone has a different way of dealing with conflict and many
times a man doesn't defend a woman because he feels that her reaction is
too extreme and inappropriate and he would have handled it in a
different way. Your husband has obviously seen you in "action" before
and knew you could handle yourself. Your friend may be someone who does
not speak up and depends on her husband to do it for her. In any case, I
don't feel that your friend's response was constructive. She could have
taken a more neutral position or given your husband the benefit of the
doubt. Instead, you complained about your husband and she made matters
worse by saying that her husband would never do that.
Every woman wants to have a knight in shining armor that will save her
from harm or in this case verbal abuse from a stranger. However, the way
you went about it was hurtful and wrong. You will never achieve what you
want by demeaning your husband and using his sister's hurtful comment to
support your position. A more effective approach anytime your husband
disappoints you is to describe what happened and then let him know what
you would have preferred to have happened instead. For example, in this
situation, you would have said, "When you saw him getting mad, I would
have liked to hear you say, "We always discuss all of our options and we
are not making a decision tonight. I'm sorry that you are disappointed
but it's how we do things." I would have then felt supported by you.
Attacking his manhood will only alienate him further. He doesn't
instinctively know what you expect from him. By calmly taking each
situation and explaining what you need from him in order to feel
protected and supported, will eventually get the desired response you
are looking for. You need to learn how fragile a man's ego is and how to
get what you want by building him up and not tearing him down. He, on
the other hand, needs to learn that every woman wants a man who will
support and protect her - someone she can lean on. I'm sorry to be so
hard on you, but I see too many marriages end in divorce because both
people didn't know how to make the other person feel good about
themselves. - Dr. Ellen
