Dear Dr. Ellen: I guess I already know what your answer will be using
logic and common sense. However, being a common sense person, thinking
this through so many times, I still need some help. It starts out like
this. I was contacted a while back by the very first love of my life. I
was only 13, he was 15. He moved away, breaking my heart and his too.
Unfortunately at that age, you don't have many choices. It's now 30
years later. We talk a few times over the phone, laugh, and decide to
meet in person. Well, the chemistry is incredibly strong, but both of us
being married with children, do everything possible so that nothing
happened. He came from an abusive home and survived a horrible
childhood. His goal in life is to break the cycle and never have that
happen to his children. He does love his wife, as I do my husband, but
the problem we have is this incredible connection, a bond like I have
never felt about anyone. I can feel it even when we occasionally email
each other.
It's not that anything is missing from my life. In 20 years of marriage,
I have never strayed, nor have I had much of a desire to do so. But with
this friend, I can't describe it any way other than an addiction. It's
been 15 months now, and we both had hoped this would have faded. We have
never given ourselves an opportunity to even be alone together, for fear
of what may happen. We tried giving this thing distance, but then we're
both miserable. - Stacy
Dear Stacy: I'm sure you do know my answer. If you both truly love your
spouses and your children, you will stop corresponding with each other,
PERIOD. If it was just a friendship that was rekindled after all these
years, then the spouses would be informed and included. It is a decision
that you can make to end it now. It is also a conscious decision to
cross over the line. It doesn't just happen by chance. It is a decision
to cheat or not cheat, live a life filled with lies or not.
It is also important to understand the reason you are able to form such
a close bond. You are in a very controlled environment. There are no
children to deal with, relatives, friends and money problems - just two
adults spending quality time with each other. Stick in a couple of kids,
living with each other every day, dealing with the relatives and money
issues and let us see how much fun it still is!
You are cheating your husband out of having a wife who loves him with
all her heart and is 100% there in mind, body and soul. The more time
you spend thinking of this other man, the less time you spend thinking
of your husband. I know that you know deep in your heart that what you
are doing is wrong. You say that both of you are happily married. The
way you judge your behavior is to turn it around and say, "If my husband
was secretly talking on the phone and arranging to meet an old
girlfriend or friend behind my back, would I consider myself happily
married?" Would he consider himself happily married if he knew his wife
was doing the same thing? Although you may think that you are not
harming your husband by living this double life, you are destroying the
intimacy that a husband and wife should share. What you both have
consciously decided to do is to selfishly think about yourselves and
pretend that you have not done this intentionally. Well you have. Make
no mistake, in the end, you will cause many people a great deal of pain.
Your husband and children will suffer. Your friend's wife and children
will suffer and both of you will suffer by seeing the chaos you've
created. I vote for both of you to end this now. Your husband and his
wife do not deserve this. - Dr. Ellen
