Dear Dr. Ellen: I am in a situation where I need to tell my husband that I do not love him anymore. I can see that he is hurting deeply because I cannot return his love and affection. We have been separated for a year. This is my second marriage. The first one lasted for 16 yrs., and now I've been married for 4. My husband has a drinking problem. He used to drink every night and pass out. Now, he has cut down in the past year since I have moved out, but has not quit completely.

I have a 14 year-old son and a 12 year-old daughter from my first marriage, and they are my priority. I left him a year ago because my daughter started to be afraid of him. He just recently lost his mother and now is about to sell his family farm. He doesn't want to blow everything that he has worked for all his life on us living in separate households. He's told me several times that he doesn't want me just hanging on until the kids are grown and then find someone else.

How can I tell my husband that I care about him, but I cannot stay married. I don't want him to blame me for his financial situation because he took care of us for 4 years. Can you help me? - Jan

Dear Jan: I believe that you should tell him the truth. If you do there might be some personal growth possible for him. Many times when someone wants to end a relationship they aren't honest about the reason. Rather than hurt someone's feelings the person may say something like, "It's not you. It's me; I don't know why or I just need space." These kinds of vague excuses may lesson the painful impact, but they do a great deal of damage since they continue to give the other person hope that maybe you'll change your mind. He needs to know that you and your children were living on a daily basis, in your own home, with fear. All of you were walking on eggshells and you do not want to live that way any longer. As you so aptly put it, your children "are your first priority," and what's best for them is to have a role model they can look up to. The fact that he was passing out every night is not something that your children should be exposed to. It is not enough to know that now he is no longer passing out (so he says) but still has a drinking problem. He needs to seek help for himself and you will have to see a lawyer to work out the financial arrangements. As far as your children are concerned, hopefully, they are doing o.k. now and won't suffer any lasting effects from his alcoholic episodes.- Dr. Ellen