Dear Dr. Ellen: I hope it's not too late. I have taken my wife for
granted for so long and have not been supportive at all. I was
controlling and gave her a guilt trip in the hope of her loving me back.
I screwed up and now the wall is built and she will not take anything I
say as I mean it. We are now going to marriage counselors. Each of us
has our own counselor but it does not seem to be helping our marriage. I
want to do what it takes to make our marriage right and give her the
life she deserves. But right now I have done so much to offend her that
she wants nothing to do with me. I realize that the last few years of
our marriage have not been too exciting for her. I let our marriage
become so mundane that she lost all interest in romance. Also, she got a
job that I didn't like and I had no interest in it. What a mistake! Now
she has totally shut me out and will not share any part of her life with
me. We have two terrific boys and we both agree that we don't want to
put them through a divorce. Over the last 11 years I told her that I
loved her so often that it doesn't mean anything anymore. Now I realize
that actions that speak louder than the words. I'm willing to change. I
just hope that she stays around long enough for me to show her that I
can changes. This is going to take a long time to fix. I would
appreciate any suggestions on how to make this work. - Gerald
Dear Gerald: The first step in changing any situation is recognizing
what you've done wrong. It sounds like you do. I know you want her to
respond instantly to you, but it's taken years for you to get to this
point and it's going to take time for her to believe that you can truly
change. My suggestion is to write your wife a long love letter, letting
her know how you've screwed up and how much she means to you. You need
to take a lot of time wring this and make sure it comes from the bottom
of your heart. You need to incorporate the following points:
1. If you can get back to loving each other, your sons will have the
role models they need and deserve.
2. That you need new information to change your ways and the internal
tapes in your head. That you are willing to take courses, read books,
listen to tapes, etc., whatever it takes to make the necessary changes
and win back her confidence in you.
3. Assure her that after you make these changes she still doesn't feel
that your relationship is worth saving, you won't bother her anymore.
See what her response is. If she is open to trying, get to work! Good
luck and don't give up hope. Keep loving her no matter how unlovable she
seems and when you least expect it, she'll start to respond. - Dr. Ellen.
