Dear Dr. Ellen: I have lost my desire for sex. I am 45 and my husband is
47. Every time my husband approaches me I turn him down. He's getting
fed up with me and says that if something doesn't change then he'll find
someone who is interested. I don't know what to do. I can't make myself
feel like I'm in the mood when I'm not. - Joan
Dear Joan: I believe that you do not have to wait for a feeling to come
first before taking action. When I speak in front of a group I ask
couples to stand up and kiss for 10 seconds. I do this demonstration
because I want to point out to people that even though they may FEEL
distant, annoyed, embarrassed, humiliated or uncomfortable before the
kiss, when they do it anyway, no matter how they feel, the result of
their ACTIONS makes them feel connected, warm, tender, safe and even
passionate. In fact, some of them enjoyed it so much that they didn't
stop even when their time was up.
Some of us were taught to believe that we must FEEL a certain way before
we can ACT a certain way. Quite frankly, if I waited to do things until
I felt like it, I'd never do anything! I propose a different point of
view: YOU CAN CREATE LOVE EVERY DAY BY DOING IT AND NOT WORRYING ABOUT
FEELING IT!
For a lot of men, sex is the most meaningful demonstration of love and
self worth. In the "Hite Report on Male Sexuality", hundreds of men were
asked, "Why do you like intercourse?" The psychological or emotional
reason most men gave was the feeling of being loved and accepted. One
man summed it up by saying; "Intercourse continually reaffirms my close
attachment with my mate. It tells me she loves me. It gives me
confidence. It makes me feel wanted." This is not something your husband
can live without. Sometimes, understanding sex from a man's point of
view, helps bring out the warm, caring and tender feelings that are
there inside you. Continual rejection will open him up to the
possibility of seeking what he needs from someone else. Most women do
not understand how strong a man's sexual drive is. We've all heard
stories about successful politicians, actors, ministers, and other
highly visible men who risk everything they've worked so hard to achieve
for the sake of an extramarital affair. It doesn't matter who he is or
how successful he is, every man wants to feel wanted and needed
physically. Not only should you not continually reject him, but once in
a while initiate sex. It was actor, Paul Newman, who once said, "I don't
need to get hamburger outside my marriage when I get steak at home!"
Of course, there is another possibility. If you are not getting your
emotional needs met, it is almost impossible to respond sexually. My
course teaches men that, for a woman, kindness, gentleness, devotion,
commitment, caring, attention, patience and compliments are all
important if you want a woman to respond to your needs. A woman whose
mate takes the time to let her know that she is special, needed,
appreciated and loved will be far more available sexually than a woman
who is neglected or ignored. - Dr. Ellen
