Dear Dr. Ellen: I have a situation with my boyfriend that has really concerned me for some time. We have been dating for a year and a half and have a great relationship. We are both 36 years old and headed in the right direction. What concerns me is his mother always calling and popping in at his house. This house was the house he grew up in and his mother still thinks of it that way. She must call him ten times a day and stops by the house unannounced! It's becoming a problem with me feeling comfortable and free to explore our relationship on different levels. I'm always in fear of the unknown! Plus, when she stops by she doesn't leave and when she does she gives him the guilt trip. Is this woman lonely or just too dependent on her son? She is 72 years old and lost 2 husbands and a son, years ago. She doesn't socialize with any women or belong to any clubs. She does nothing but make her sons feel guilty. What advice would you have for me to possibly pass along. I don't like to say anything to my boyfriend about his mother's behavior. I am sure he is aware, but, he feels guilty or responsible for her well-being. I've learned never to say anything about ones mother. I'd appreciate some response or I am just going to go crazy or worse, slip away! - Pat

Dear Pat: You are with a man who comes with baggage. In this case, it is not children or an ex-wife, it's his mother. You cannot change in a year and a half the relationship he's had with his mother for 36 years. At 72, his mother is not going to change. The loss of her son, your boyfriend's brother, as well as two husbands, has probably made them closer. Obviously, at some point she had more than just your boyfriend to depend on. It is hard to make a new life for yourself when you are in your 70's. I would advise you to really think this one through. You are wise enough to know not to say something about a man's mother. Are you wise enough to know whether you can, for the long haul, accept that she is a very important part of his life? It could even get worse as she gets older and possibly sickly. She may be back in the house. If you can't accept the fact that you are getting a "package deal", you should move on. If you make him feel guilty for loving her and being there for her, you'll eventually lose his love anyway. Should the two of you get married, she is going to be part of your life. The best you can do at that point is to say to her, "I love having you over, but I need you to call before you come, so I am not caught in an embarrassing situation." Remember, what you see is what you get. Ask yourself, "Assuming this situation stays the same, is my love for this man deep enough to cope with this?" Be honest with yourself. - Dr. Ellen