Dear Dr. Ellen: I need advice, and since I have always read the advice
of others but never asked for any myself, please honor me with your
reply. My ex was a sort of prize. I met him in Turkey where I taught
English, then went back to Turkey when I was 23, married him, and
brought him to America. Never mind how emotionally immature we both were
- I had lots of hope. I soon learned that to take an immigrant out of
his home isn't fair - I felt guilty that he was home sick, that he had
never traveled, was dependent on his mother or parents for all his needs
and autonomy, and was used to an extended family. When I was 3 months
pregnant he decided he was homesick and went on a vacation to Turkey.
Quitting his job, he then returned to America with his 14 year-old
sister.
I was already a bit disillusioned by that time. I was all done with the
wonderful fairy-tales I had envisioned. He was sexist and lazy. He
wanted dreams to come true, with little want to make them happen. Though
we had spoken of returning to Turkey, I knew that as a parent that was
unrealistic for a female. I befriended a co-worker and poured my heart
out. While "Alex" was in Turkey for over 2 months, "Steve" helped me
with Lamaze classes and birth preparation. I knew I had a problem now,
and was about to be expected to support 4 people, while my unrealistic
and dependent spouse returned from Turkey with his sister - and no
money, I might add. I had told him not to do that, and that he was very
foolish. I also warned him that if he were so impulsive and
irresponsible, I would divorce him. When he returned from Turkey, I
moved out and left him with his sister. I had kept my word, and I was
quite serious. This was no time to play games with a pregnant woman, and
I was feeling quite abandoned by that time.
Alex stayed in the states for a few months, and then returned to Turkey
with his sister. He returned again, but always complained about how he
couldn't be a teacher because he didn't want to go through the trouble
of taking the two classes necessary to upgrade his credential. He also
wanted to be an air traffic controller, but did not want to wait to be a
citizen. He was extremely impatient and unrealistic. I felt a bit guilty
that I had brought him here - but not too guilty.
Now my daughter is 13 years old. Alex has disappeared from all contact
for 3 years now. He has recently written to me. He says it's my fault
his other girlfriend aborted his child because she didn't trust him to
be responsible. He just doesn't take responsibility for his actions.
I have always considered myself honest, and I have had to put up with
his pity-pot depression for all this time. He has never overtly blamed
me as heavily as now because I think he should stop hiding and be a part
of my daughter's life. But he says I "ruined his life" and I tell him
that he is not holding himself accountable. Just how many men do this to
women? And what am I supposed to let him do now that I have remarried? I
really don't want him to be hostile to my new husband (1 1/2 years), and
Rich really doesn't want any part of what looks like a battle just
starting.
My goal is to get Alex to focus only on what's at hand and how to deal
with our daughter's needs and his place in her life. That's not enough
for him. He wants vengeance for his perceived failed life, and he seems
to expect I owe him something. Yet he doesn't get it - I am the person
who raised this child as a single mother. I think he may never "get it."
What can I do? Thanks. - Suzie
Dear Suzie: First I want to tell you what an incredible woman you are.
You have gone through so much and have landed on your feet. Your
daughter and your new husband are very lucky to have you in their lives.
As for your ex, you definitely have him figured out and your
psychological assessment of him is right on the mark.
I assume that he is now in his 30's with absolutely no signs of having
grown up, which entails thinking of someone other than himself. If he
didn't change as a result of the birth of your daughter, I doubt that he
will change when she is 13-years old. For your own and your daughter's
sanity you have to accept and so does she that he will not be part of
her life. I believe that if he is living here in America, you can
collect for child support by going through the legal system. It may take
years but for your daughter's sake, he needs to be identified legally as
a deadbeat dad. I personally know of a woman who did this when her
daughter was 8 and finally 20 years later, when her ex finally sold his
house, her daughter received quite a sizeable check. You never know what
his financial picture will be like in 20 years. He may get lucky and
holding him accountable for as long as it takes, should be done legally.
You can definitely do something about that.
Changing his basic core, which is selfish, irresponsible and lazy, is
not something you have any control over. Having unrealistic expectations
is what hurts people so deeply. If every birthday, holiday and special
event in your daughter's life, has you and your daughter hoping to hear
from her father, the disappointment and hurt will overshadow the joy and
happiness she should be experiencing.
My advice is to be as honest with her as you can. Let her know, "Your
dad has never been able to cope with life and certainly has never been
there for you or I. As hard as it is, we both have to stop wishing that
he was different. You have to go on with the realization that you have a
mother who loves you with all her heart, a step-dad who cares about you
deeply, and a father who will not be part of your life. I know it's so
hard to understand and accept, but this is the life you have. I love you
and will always be there for you." Kids can really cope with what is and
the truth. They have a tough time when a parent isn't honest or makes up
stories to cover for the other parent. I hope this helps. - Dr. Ellen
