Dear Dr. Ellen: Our oldest, soon to be 5, is going to kindergarten next
year. I teach in a middle school in a public school system which happens
to be in an affluent neighborhood with an excellent record of
achievement and very good families. In fact, I attended this system and
graduated 20 years ago. I really want my son to go to school there. My
husband wants him to go to a Catholic school down the road from our home
(we are Catholic). He went to Catholic school growing up and I went to a
public school. My sister is a kindergarten teacher at the public school
where I want my son to go. She would not be his teacher since she is his
Aunt, but she would be there for him each day. In fact, we live down the
street from each other so she could drive him to school each day and
then a teacher bus would take him to my school (the middle school in the
system) at the end of each day (the schools are about a mile from each
other). My parents live right between the public school and my brother's
three children also attend this public school system. I've forgotten
some background info. I teach and my husband stays home with the kids.
So, I could more easily be a part of my son's activities if he were at
the school near where I teach. It would be too hard to get to the
Catholic School for me during the day. I feel that I would be totally
left out if he went there. In addition, it is EXPENSIVE and it would
REALLY stretch us to do this. Then, there is the academic quality of
each school. In my opinion, no contest! I know everyone says their kids
are gifted, but our oldest may truly be and there are no enrichment (or
special needs for that matter) programs available at the Catholic
school. My husband likes the idea of religious things being around (on
display) and talked about and thinks it will be a better environment. He
feels public schools may provide bad examples that he says he saw first
hand at my middle school-language, etc. I feel he will get what he needs
through our home and religious classes without putting us in financial
strain (he says it won't) and possibly not being able to offer our
children other opportunities - piano, sports, etc. I've made a huge list
of pros and cons and I continue to feel that I really want my son at my
school system. (As do my sister. But obviously he can only go one place
and a decision must be made. We don't live in my school system zone but
since I teach there, my children can go there. I was hoping you might
have some thoughts on this. - Marilyn
Dear Marilyn: I always believe that when there is a decision to make,
you have to pick the one that feels less worse. Most people think once
they make a decision they will feel good about it. Very rarely in life
does that happen. Usually, it's a decision that unfortunately, no matter
which way you go, it isn't going to feel good. That is the situation you
and your husband are in right now. If you get your way and enroll him in
the public school system you'll feel guilty for going against your
husband's wishes. If you enroll him in the Catholic school, you'll feel
resentful. If your husband gets his way, he'll feel guilty that he's not
only going against your wishes but also the entire family. So, no matter
what, both guilt and resentment are not emotions that will feel good for
either of you. So, I decided to look at what is best for a 5 year old. I
think going to a neighborhood school and coming home as soon as possible
to be with his dad and siblings is best for a child who is in
kindergarten. At that age, it doesn't matter whether the school is
public or private.
I also don't think it's fair to make your sister responsible for driving
him to school everyday. What if she gets sick? What if she has to go in
early because the principal has called a teacher's meeting? What if she
decides to take off a few days for a mini-vacation? What if the alarm
clock doesn't go off? It might be fun for a while but that is a big
responsibility for an aunt to take on for the long haul.
The next point I'd like to address is you being involved in your son's
activities. Since you are teaching full time, I'm not sure how that
would be possible. You couldn't leave your students in the middle of the
day to go on a field trip or attend his class. As for being dropped off
after school, you may have to help a student after class or detain
someone for bad behavior or meet with a parent to discuss a child's
progress. Think of the anxiety you would have knowing that your son is
waiting for you to take him home. I think you would put a great deal
more stress on yourself than you already have. Also, if he has to be
picked up from school in the middle of the day because of illness or an
accident, wouldn't it be easier for your husband to go and get him if he
was close by rather than having to put the other 2 children in the car
and drive a lot further to get him? (I'm assuming that the public school
is a long drive.)
It is wonderful that your son has the benefit of a stay-at-home parent
who can take him to and from school everyday. Children love routine and
predictability. Kindergarten will be a big enough change for your child.
Why increase his travel time to and from school which means less play
time, expose him to more affluent children who may have a different
lifestyle than he does, and increase the amount of people in his life
who he will have to depend on daily. Your child is very lucky to have 2
wonderful parents who have his best interests at heart. But, you are
right, someone has to make the final decision. Since your husband is
home and has a deep bond with your son, why not allow him to be the one
to make it. Here's what you should say, "You know how strongly I feel
about the public school system. I've gone over it in my mind a hundred
times and I know you have done the same. I'm going to leave the final
decision to you because I know that you have our son's best interest at
heart even though we see things differently. I am willing to enroll him
in Catholic school if you feel that is best for him right now. In a year
we can then evaluate his progress. If he is happy, likes his teacher,
and makes lots of friends, and it is not a financial burden, then he can
continue. If not, you'll agree that we will transfer him. If you decide
that he can start public school, I promise to do the same. At the end of
a year, we'll evaluate his progress. If he isn't happy, then we will
transfer him to Catholic school.
As for your own peace of mind, try to realize that nothing has to be set
in stone and nothing is "forever." What seems to be best for you and
your child today may very well change after a year. - Dr. Ellen
