Dear Dr. Ellen: I am in a horrible situation. My husband cheated on me
with a co-worker and they have a 10 month old baby. He finally told me
about a month ago. He said he never wanted to leave me, but didn't know
what to do about this baby he has with this other woman. He has been
paying her support for the child. He said they didn't have a
"relationship" it was just sex (twice he says). She also says there was
no relationship, but I have the feeling she wanted and still wants one
with him. We have started counseling to see if we can save our marriage.
The other women is still calling all the time. She says she only needs
to talk to him about the baby. I think this is a lie because she calls
several times a day. I don't know what to do. He says he is going to put
a stop to it. But when already. Thanks for any help Cindy
Dear Cindy: This woman is the mother of your husband's baby and the
sooner you accept that she will be in your life forever (or as long as
you stayed married to this man), the better off you'll be and the sooner
you can put together a plan to make this work. Your husband has betrayed
his marriage vows and has been living a double life for quite a long
time.
The last thing this baby needs is a dead beat dad who abandons his
responsibility both financially or emotionally. There are already too
many mothers who have to shoulder all the responsibilities because the
fathers have chosen to turn their backs on their children. This baby
didn't ask to be brought into this world but since he's here, (you
didn't give the gender of the baby so I will use "he") he deserves to
have a father who participates in his life. We can continually change
partners and have many husband's and wives, but we can only have one
mother and one father.
No matter what the explanation this child gets, somewhere deep down, he
will feel hurt and abandoned and want to know, "How come my daddy
doesn't want to be with me." No amount of child support can take that
pain and emptiness away as he gets older. My concern is for this child
and and how important it is to have his father involved in his life.
So, if you truly intend to stay married to this man, this is now more
than just "his" problem but yours as well. It is no longer just him
taking care of this problem, but both of you dealing with the
consequences of his actions. Whenever one person in a relationship
experiences any unwanted event, like a disease, the death of a loved one
or loss of a job, it always affects them as a couple. Whether it's a
decision on the type of treatment to get, selling possessions or
simplifying one's life, since it affects the couple's future, it is
important to discuss and solve it together. Healing is easier when it is
part of a combined effort When I was diagnosed with breast cancer many
years ago, I used to say that "we" were going through it because I
recognized that my husband was suffering just as much as I was. All of
my decisions regarding my treatment were agreed upon together.
Without your involvement and support, your husband won't be able to do
the loving and right thing for his child.
As for your husband, he did not have a one-night stand with this woman.
My guess is that he had an ongoing emotional connection before he ever
had an intimate connection. My suggestion is for you to request a
meeting for the three of you. If your husband really wants to make your
marriage work, he'll agree that this needs to be discussed rationally,
intelligently and openly. It's important for this other woman to see you
as a couple and your willingness to include this baby in you life as
well. This way, if there was any false hope on her end, it will very
clear that he has every intention of staying married. Then you must get
legal councel so that everyone's rights are protected- Dr. Ellen
